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This entire conversation can be blamed solely on Angel Dust.
If it had been any other kind of discussion, Lucifer would've gleefully participated with energy or stood back and let everyone do the talking.
However, when the pornstar begins to talk about his body count and sex life (Charlie and Vaggie, unable to now stop this tirade of lewdness and lust-filled stories, excuse themselves from the lobby along with Emily), Lucifer’s pride, his deadly sin, acts up as he begins to talk about his sexual journey with Lilith. He wanted to talk about Eve and Cain's true parentage, but not when Adam and Lute were currently in the hotel and he was trying to mend his relationship with the First Man.
Husk the bartender had an inconvenienced look on his face, wiping glasses as he tried hard to tune out every single kink, innuendo, and sex tale Angel Dust and Lucifer had been telling each other in some sick, twisted sense to one-up each other. While Lucifer had stayed with Lilith for millennia, they'd discovered every kink, sex position, and toy out there. They'd even tried out potions that could modify their bodies (how Charlie had been born, by the way.) And while Angel has tons of lovers on the pleasure side before starting to turn sex into work, he's currently giving Lucifer a run for his money.
He stayed with Lilith but he's been hit with a horrific dry spell for over ten years since they split.
Ugh, he wanted to fuck someone. Hopefully, it would be with the General of the Exorcists sitting on a beanbag chair, tuning his guitar while he pretends not to listen to the entire conversation.
Father, he is so hot. Is he still single?
Angel must have wanted Adam in on the conversation since he calls for him. “Yo, General, d'ya guys eva fuck in Heaven?”
Adam raises a brow, looking towards where Angel and Lucifer are sitting on the bar.
(Husk buries his face in his hands. He should've asked Alastor if he could have one day off. Just one, or an hour so he won't have to hear this.)
The angel scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Fucking course we do? We're all not eunuchs or priests up there. What, ya think they castrated us?”
The spider demon shrugs, drinking his beverage.
Lucifer, too, was curious; he was banished from Heaven before humans had ascended to Heaven, and since he saw almost everyone in Heaven as brothers and sisters, he did not think about sex with them. Gross.
“I mean, I don’t even get laid every day or every week. Just when days are so goddamn slow and I meet up with some chick that ain't afraid of breakin’ the rules just for a little bit. Lust is a sin, so we dial it back down and choose days where we want to fuck the shit outta someone.” He explains, eyes filled with memories.
Lucifer wants to be one of Adam’s girls tonight.
“That your lady, then?” Angel asks, pointing towards Lute, who glares at him in return.
He laughs, “Oh fuck no. She's a bad bitch, and we fucked a few times, but she's taken.”
The King of Hell raises a brow, refraining from breaking out dancing in the lobby. Yes! He can fuck Adam now! He's not taken! “By who?” He tries to keep his voice even, but he can see the pornstar smirk at him.
“By your fucking asshole of a brother, Azrael! He's so annoying and protective of Danger Tits over here as if she can't beat the shit out of him! She literally pegs him in the ass and invites me to watch or work his fucking mouth with my cock, and he's the one going all ‘She's my baby girl, back off!’ On anyone who even so much looks in her direction!” He points at Lute, who's busy sexting Azrael right now, nonplussed about this conversation.
“Wait,” Angel's smile widens, and Lucifer couldn't help but hear Husk mutter, “Oh fuck, here it comes,” as he looks towards Lute. “Da angel'a death is a bottom?”
The sin of Pride cringes, “I… don't want to think about my younger brother's sex life.”
Too late, once Adam begins talking about his sexcapades, Lucifer is forced to listen. Not only because he's too stunned to move, but he was also, quite possibly, morbidly fascinated by what Adam has been doing for the past ten thousand years in a stickler like Heaven.
“Workaholics tend to be,” Adam states in place of actually talking about Lute and Azrael’s sex life.
Lute's eyes lock on her commander's. “Like you.”
Lucifer chokes, Husk smacks his head on the counter, and Angel laughs.
Adam doesn't even argue back, and Lucifer’s already imagining Adam bent over the counter, hole stretched just for everyone to see…
Oh fuck. Is he getting hard?
Oh here no! Not right now! He can jerk off later!
“Fuck you, Lute, I don't fucking overwork myself like Azrael. When the guy gets home it's in the middle of the night, horny as here and begging to get fucked. When we were fuck buddies he'd woken me up by working me below the belt one morning. It was hot, don't get me wrong, but fuck if you tell him to bend over, he bends over. Boring as here.”
Lucifer once again wonders how it would feel to bend Adam over a table like that.
“Which is why you went for Dumah. Which— you fucking crazy?”
Adam noticeably grimaced. Lucifer remembered Dumah; he was his sweet younger brother who wouldn't hurt a fly. What happened there?
And why has Adam fucked two of his brothers?!
“I fucking hated that psycho. The only reason we got it on was because Dumah was hot, and I can't resist hot people even if their personalities are shit.” Lucifer can’t help but agree. “He was shit in bed, expecting me to do all the goddamn work for him while he takes it like a slut.” Lucifer wants to come to the defense of his brother, but he doesn’t quite know Dumah anymore. He doesn't know who his brothers are when he spends so long cooped up in his room while they have their own lives. “Let’s not forget his weird ass ideology over the existence of human angels that sounded like I was talking to one of the fascist sympathizers down here.” He cringes as he looks at Lucifer. “Ya got a lot down here.”
“I know.”
“So is Dumah… a psycho or somethin’?” Angel asks, stretching his first pair of arms.
“Oh worse than that. He’s the entire fucking circus. A clown show. A stalker yandere thinks putting pictures of me on his bedroom walls will make me kneel and start deepthroating his minuscule cock. Hey, I ain’t that narcissistic.”
His adversary lets out a skeptical hum. “So you say.”
Adam lifts a middle finger, but continues with his story, much to Lucifer’s exasperation, Husk’s will to live, and Angel’s interest in someone else’s sex life. “Then he started sayin’ shit like he loved me, and I got turned off immediately. Gross, I wasn’t looking for love and I still ain’t. When I told ‘im that he went cryin’ back to that bastard Kushiel.” The eyes of his mask seem to stare directly at Lucifer, and he chuckles, toying with his collar.
He can’t help but feel jealous of his brothers, though. How many times had they taken Adam to bed? Has Adam ever received rather than given to them before? Why were they the first to get freaky with the first man and not him?!
Lucifer was slightly disappointed to hear Adam isn’t looking for romantics, though. A shame, but at least he’s open to a no-strings-attached arrangement.
“He was so mad about that he started spreadin’ rumors about how shitty I was in bed.” A smug smile appears on Adam’s face. “Which is like, against the rules that Raguel hammered into our heads. So he got in trouble, and fucking Michael was the one to finally say I was great in bed. No wait, the best in his fucking bed, because that guy has never had a boyfriend or girlfriend his entire life. He’s sad. He’s depressing. It was a huge fucking turn-off. But he was a good lay.”
When Adam started to ramble about his older twin, Lucifer spat out the drink he’d been sipping on. Even Husk now seems interested in the conversation.
Angel spearheads the discussion. “Wait, Michael? Like, the Michael who knocked ‘im down from Heaven?”
He cannot help but flinch at the blunt statement.
“Yeah, he was cool. Whiny in bed, sensitive as fuck even after his own—” Adam stops suddenly, and Lute stares at him with haunting eyes. Lucifer, Angel, and Husk all glance at each other at the sudden pause, before Adam’s wings open slightly. It was a tell, but Lucifer doesn’t know what kind of tell that is. After a few more seconds, Adam returns to his leisurely posturing, “Doesn’t fucking matter how we got close. All that matters was that the guy was stressed as hell, and I was there to fuck the stress outta him. Good times.”
Even Michael managed to convince Adam to join him in bed.
What do his brothers have that Lucifer doesn’t?!
His ability to ruin lives?!
Ugh, this is so embarrassing! He should’ve been the one pinning Adam into the bed and having his way with him, relishing in the moans, gasps, and pants underneath him as he fucks him roughly.
… And he’s hard.
He shifts in his place to not make it obvious because if Angel finds out, he’ll never fucking hear the end of it.
Fuck his life. Fuck his brothers for having what he can’t have. Azrael, Dumah, and Michael especially.
I bet Adam was imagining me when he was with Michael, he smugly thinks to himself. There’s no way that prude asshole was that good in bed to give Adam an affectionate look.
“So all angels are power bottoms, hm?” Angel laughs, leaning forward. “Damn, I wish I’d had gone ta da pearly gates jus’ ta get a piece’o action.”
Lucifer can hear Husk behind the counter say, “End me.”
“Yeah, end me too,” Lucifer murmurs, his back hitting the counter with a jealous sigh. His cock was so hard. He should excuse himself so he can beat it in his bedroom with this new information, but hearing about Adam’s conquests having included his brothers was turning him off.
If he fucked him now, would he get sloppy fourths?
“I wish I fucked him first,” Lucifer sniffles, voice low enough that only Husk can hear it. “Then this wouldn’t have gotten to me like it should’ve.”
“Your Majesty… keep that to yourself.”