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Shidou Kirisaki had always been one to like to confess first, because perhaps it was just better to get all of those messy feelings out of the way and done with. Once they could no longer linger in his mind, he'd be happy with himself for a while regardless of the reaction. He's never been emotionally strong, which is almost ironic to think that a doctor could be one to cry easily or feel bad in most instances when he is typically surrounded by death and blood and injury and gore.
He had known since secondary school that the one he had begun dating at the time was someone he was going to keep for a while, and the rest of his life, that young Kirisaki had hoped. He eventually married that girl with the long, dark blue hair named Hana, who was always interested in flowers and their special meanings. She eventually became a botanist, someone who studied those plants as well as made arrangements for weddings, Valentine's Day gifts, anniversaries, funerals, you name it. She was an expert of it all, and Shidou had modestly learned the best from her. He kept those facts in mind as if letting himself indulge in those things his wife loved the most as well just to be able to keep a part of her in his heart. In his eyes, she was always a strong and kind person. Hana was able to keep her calm easily and was even one to help him out in times of his own distress; he was forever grateful. She was always great at advice, and Hana always made sure that Shidou never overworked himself. Later on, the couple had two beautiful kids named “Ajisai” and “Shion”, both boys.
They were the happiest family you could ever lay eyes on.
Well, winter comes by and all flowers eventually wilt of course before they are reborn in the spring. Winter is always cold and harsh, this was a well known fact, but Shidou just always wonders in the back of his head why it had to be his whole family, his favorite flowers he watched grow together, that had to be the ones to wilt and die under the sheer pressure of the cycle of life.
Ever since that, he's been a man who's mourning, grieving, wishing that it was him who had gone instead because he couldn't find some use in a world without those he valued most.
Even in that attempt to save them, he couldn't. He watched that beautiful structure made of different parts he created like how Doctor Frankenstein looked at his creation once it had come to life. Then, just as quick, almost as soon as he watched that flicker of life in his beloved's eyes, he watched it fade away once more and take her to the rotting ground. The doctor gazed in terror as it all crumbled down and he fell to his knees, tears filling his eyes again. He was sure nothing could fix the wound that opened up.
MILGRAM had become a place where Shidou thought he would finally be able to join his family and they'd finally all share their love again in the same casket, and even better, he would be judged in the face of someone who shouldn’t have to worry about the law and focus on the ethics and morality of the case. The doctor knew that he wouldn’t stand a chance with those in mind. Even during his first trial, he had simply requested a verdict of guilty, because there could be no better fate than finally being at peace like that. Instead, he was met with the green light of innocence. He was quite appalled at the disregard of his own wishes, but then again, he can’t blame them for treading along that path after all. Since then, he’s devoted his life to bettering the statuses of others instead of worrying about the fate he wants right now. Even if it’s still present in his mind, he still wants to make sure everyone is safe before he makes his own departure.
Shidou had always naturally fit into the environments of those around him. Sure, maybe as a child, he was a shy, quiet and polite boy unless it was with those he loved, but that doesn’t stop any of those habits from forming into adulthood. Speaking in polite mannerisms, making sure not to miss a single beat of a word because one wrong word could mean something bad. He’s always made good use of his words, almost like a bullet to a gun, or rather more like a knife to flesh. He got by getting along with most people inside of the prison, but it seemed like children kept frowning and turning away from him. He likes them, he really does, he just can’t get over the cruel words they say to his face and then kick him in the shin, or call him a sin of the likes. He just wants to help them both after all, so he does his best not to let it get to him.
More notably, those he did get along with were most of the other adults, including Mikoto Kayano and Kazui Mukuhara during the first trial. They frequented the smoke room and often chatted about more personal things that always affected them. Kayano talked about work and his family, how both were important to him and just how much he never truly understood this place and how it worked.
Mukuhara on the other hand talked about how much he grieved his wife. You could tell it was genuine from how his face would quickly dim in the flame of the lighter whenever he went to light his cigarette. The shadows of his face made up for the brightness of a fake smile. Shidou always had his deepest sympathies for the two, even when the second trial had come about and Kayano had quickly become what was seen as a threat due to his erratic behavior that ranged from his usual smiles with fake laughter to rattling heard in the middle of the night that spooked the child who resided next door. Not like the sounds were anything new, they’d been a topic amongst prisoners for a bit, but it got more frequent and you could hear screaming sometimes on top of it. Shidou reserved himself to stay away from any dangers and focus on what he had. Mukuhara was already ample company as well as Shiina, and he must admit, he did grow rather fond of the man who went out of his way to help him and the other prisoners whenever he could. He’d say it was quite admirable of the older one to do this, but he’d return a simple smile and say there was no need to thank him because Kirisaki had done just as much.
Sometimes, he could still feel the heat on his face after soft compliments like that.
It made some things feel worthwhile again, and his hands that had felt frozen without the presence of his wife had begun to thaw under the presence of this new love that he had found.
Shidou Kirisaki had always been one who liked to confess first. He kept specific flowers in tow as he went over to the cell that was marked for Prisoner 007, flowers he had requested from the Warden because it was something of important matters to him. They didn't give it much of a second glance nor bother to point out that Shidou was fidgeting with his gloves, which he usually did whenever he felt nervous, flustered, or a possibility of him being overstimulated from something. So, he thought he was very much in the clear.
“Mukuhara-San, can we talk?” His voice was as calm as ever, but he could already feel his face heating up again in the moment.
“Mm? Of course we can, Kirisaki. I'm always free for a chat.” The taller responds in his casual tone, getting up and opening the cell door for the other. It creaks, just the same sound they always hear.
“So, what is it you wanted to talk about?” His eyes are attentive, staring down to where Kirisaki’s hands would normally be. He doesn't give any facial cues other than that, but he already knows that the doctor is hiding something from him.
“Ah, perhaps we could talk about this more privately? I'd prefer to just keep it between you and me.”
“Sure,” Kazui feigns ignorance and he steps inside, sky blue eyes watching as Shidou carries himself inside, shutting the door behind him. As soon as it's shut, his interrogation of the cloudy haired one begins. “I've got a small question first. What is that you're holding behind your back?” He lifts a finger, and tilts his head so he can try and get a look at what it is.
Kirisaki immediately traces his hands in the other direction, away from where the ex-officer’s eyes could linger, and Kazui retracts as well. Shidou knows he can be a good deceiver when he's able to keep his calm, but how could he do that over such a trivial matter? In front of someone who was way better at this than him even?
“It's a small gift - for you.” He finally reveals the small bouquet, which had only an arrangement of a few small flowers. Milk vetch, pink camellias, and some carnations as well. “It's something my wife used to do for me for our anniversaries, but I made sure to cater to what I specifically had in mind.” Shidou hands it over to Kazui, his cheeks turning a bright shade of pink.
“Ah, I'm not exactly in the know about flowers, but I did also try to gift my wife some a few times. I trusted that the florists knew what they were doing,” He lets out a weak chuckle, examining the bouquet itself before taking it in his hands. “I do recognize the carnations at least. Those are a… Lovey dovey type of flower, aren't they?” He inquires, eyes glazing over the various arrays of colored petals. Shidou can't even read the look on his face, and he doesn't know if that's a good or a bad thing.
“Yes, I can inform you on what the flowers mean if you want me to,”
“Then why are you giving those to me? Even if it’s just to keep old traditions, you know what they mean. Is there an ulterior motive?” Kazui’s expression softens, but it’s still unreadable despite the amount of emotion suddenly in it. It’s like he was also on the fence about himself.
Shidou kept his silence, and that in itself was enough of an answer. The older one lets out a small laugh and he pats a hand on the doctor’s shoulder. “You can spit out whatever it is you feel,”
“Look, I…” The words stagger in his mouth and he eventually does get them out. “I like you, alright? That’s the message I was mainly trying to convey. You’re always there to help me out, and the words you say are so comforting, it’s enough to lift anyone’s spirits up. And even then, even when I see that real you when we smoke together, I can still feel all of these emotions bubbling up inside of me. It’s a bit embarrassing, I must admit, but I wanted to get this out of the way.”
“Ah… I had a feeling you might say something like that.” Kazui settles into silence as well, and the air in the room becomes tense.
After a few moments, Shidou is the one to speak up again. “It’s alright if you don’t feel the same way. Things can stay the same-”
“No, that’s the thing about it,” The taller man cuts him off. He runs a hand through his hair and puffs out a small sigh like he would when he smokes. “Once it’s out in the air, it stays in the air. It lingers so to say… You know this isn’t allowed, right? Even if I felt the same way, even if these feelings continue to exist,
they would never allow something like this.
” His expression darkens with gloom. “I can’t put anyone through something like I have; never again. Hiding for the sake of conformity, hiding for the sake of making my parents proud… You don’t want something like that, do you? So please,
distance your heart away from that sin.
”
That’s the first Shidou had seen Kazui’s expression so broken before, nor has he ever seen him so desperate. He’s seen his face in shades of emotion that varied like sun and rain, but never something this broken. The doctor can see the tears in his eyes, and he wipes that rain away. He wants to tear up as well in all honesty - because seeing someone he looks up to begin to cry also makes him emotional. He heaves in a shaky breath, and lets it out, blinking tears away from his own eyes. “I understand. I just wanted to say it… I didn’t know if there ever would be a chance.”
“The world can’t change for us, Kirisaki. It never will.”
Shidou didn’t know what to say to that. His head tilts down as if collapsing. “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?” He tries to laugh, but he can’t. He can’t do it quite as well as him in this state.
“It does. I know that all too well.” He takes a step forward, hands gripping onto the flowers. “Thank you for the thoughtful gift though. I'll make sure to get a good vase for them. It'll… Brighten up the room.” He offers a smile, and he places the bouquet off on a table at his bedside.
“Let's get this off our minds, alright? How about a smoke?" Kazui turns around and holds out a hand to the doctor.
“That sounds nice right about now. You always know how to make me feel better.” His gaze softened, taking his hand as they both headed off together, wanting to forget about what just happened.
Maybe the smoke could make those feelings go away too.