Chapter Text
Note to self: Never play pranks on sailing day.
I am on the forecastle with Henry Wilde. He is the last person I want to work with! He always acts like he has a stick up his arse. He looks at me and gives me an evil look. It's best to control my thoughts when around the man. He must have some idea about what I am thinking about. I turn away from him and back to the task at hand. The able-bodied seamen are raising the ropes so the Titanic can leave port. We are due at Cherbourg this evening. A shadow flies above me, and I look up at the bright blue sky. A flock of geese fly overhead.
Wilde looks up and sees what is catching my attention. "It is just geese, Lightoller," he snaps and folds his arms. "They will not bother us."
"Are you sure about that?" One of the men asks. He points towards the Bridge. The geese start landing on the ship. One lands beside me, and another by Wilde. "It seems like they like you two."
"All right, less of the cheek," I say. I am supposed to be the cheeky one, not some able-bodied seaman I cannot recall for the life of me.
"You can say that again," Wilde grumbles. He eyes the goose before him. "How many of these bloody things have landed on the ship so far?"
The goose opens its beak and honks full-blast. The able-bodied seamen drop their ropes and cover their ears. I cover mine and stare at the goose. It does not seem to appreciate Wilde's swearing! The goose spreads its wings. "Emma never said anything about stupid geese!" Wilde yells.
The goose honks and begins chasing Wilde around the forecastle. People begin screaming. I turn to look at the Bridge. Captain Smith is running around like an alien is chasing him. Or is it a goose? Either way, it might not end well. "Get rid of the blasted goose!" Captain Smith bellows, his voice echoing throughout the dock.
I would have stood there laughing had my goose not honked. I look at it. "You geese are silly. What will you get out of chasing people around?" The goose honks and mimes biting my leg. I jump back. Maybe these geese are not so silly after all.
After several minutes of running around screaming, I find that multiple people are doing the same thing. Third-class passengers are in first-class areas, and the crew are running around like crazy. One stewardess has hiked her skirts up in an attempt to escape her goose. I wish I could help, but with my own goose at my backside, there is little I can do. I keep running out of the Grand Staircase. There must be a way to tire this goose out!
I eventually find myself back at the Bridge. "I swear I ran throughout this ship, and I haven't lost this damn goose!" Emma screams.
Emma's swearing? Uh oh. We have a major problem. Emma did not know about the geese. "You did not know?" I yell.
"No!" I finally spot Emma as she rounds the corner and runs straight into me. "Stupid goose!" She shakes her fist at it. Her goose honks. "I give up." She turns to me. "I see you acquired one."
The goose bites me. "More like it acquired me!"
Emma smiles and shakes her head. "It must have a cheeky nature."
I give her the best glare possible. "Please, no one is cheekier than me."
"You keep saying." She eyes her goose. "I don't know what these geese are doing here, but I've had enough of them to last me a lifetime."
"Already? But the day's only just started," I tease. I nudge Emma.
Emma nudges me back. "And I want some sleep!" She throws her arms up. "As if waking up at five am wasn't bad enough." She glares at her goose. "You better not disturb me." The goose honks, and Emma has an exasperated look on her face. "I should have realised." She turns back to me. "I'm turning in for a while. I hope not all of the officers were affected."
"One goose was chasing your father around earlier."
Emma groans. "Then we should probably assume that the geese won't let up for the voyage." Emma yawns. "I'm off to bed. See you later."
I do not think any of us will be completing our full watches any time soon.
I stand on the Bridge for a while when Wilde runs through. "Stop this goose!" He screams.
I finger the fart machine I have in my pocket. Jane gave it to me as a birthday gift last year, and I have not had the chance to use it yet. Well, no time like the present. I step forward and drop it in Wilde's pocket before he runs off. I smile at the goose. "Do you want to play a prank on Wilde?" The goose honks and nods. "At least we can agree on something." I produce the button from my pocket. "We can get everyone thinking Wilde is a Slitheen!" If geese could smile, I am sure mine is right now. I shake my head and press the button.
"Where is the Slitheen?" Mr Pitman yells. That is not the person I expected to yell that. Mr Pitman never even knew about Slitheen until he met Emma! He walks out onto the Bridge and looks around. "Did you hear someone fart?"
"No, I do not think I did."
Bert laughs. "I am sure we will find the culprit soon."
"Maybe."
Bert looks down at his goose. "This thing keeps following me. It's trying to get me into first-class areas."
"I have not noticed where mine is trying to take me." I glare at the goose. "Silly geese do not know we cannot go there while there are passengers onboard."
"Other than Captain Smith."
I nod. "Hey, are you meant to be on watch?"
"Just starting." Bert sighs. "It would be greater if these geese were not involved. But they seem to know when our watches are." Bert narrows his eyes at his goose.
"Unless you are Wilde. I saw his goose chasing him."
Bert laughs. "Then it looks like you are covering for him until he gets here."
The last thing I want to do is take over Wilde's watch. He will be intolerable for the rest of the day. That's when I remember what I dropped into his pocket. Emma never said how wide a range the machine had. I pull the button out of my pocket and press it.
"Where is the Slitheen?" William Murdoch yells.
I burst out laughing. That is his first response? A Slitheen? I guess farting is not normal in Edwardian England.
"What the—" Wilde roars. "Charles Herbert Lightoller!"
I run down the stairs leading to B Deck. I will not be on the Bridge when Wilde arrives, not in a million years. As I run, I bump into someone. "Excuse me, Miss." I look at her.
It's Jane.
Jane smiles and shakes her head. "What mess did you get into this time?"
My goose honks and pushes its head against my leg. I stumble and fall into Jane's arms. "It is supposed to be the man who catches the girl," I say.
Jane laughs. "We are not in the sixteenth century. If I want to save a man, I am more than capable." Jane helps me to my feet.
"I know, I know." I rub the back of my neck. "And to answer your question, I put a fart machine in Mr Wilde's pocket."
Jane's eyes grow wide."Where did you get a fart machine from?"
"Blame Emma. She brought it as a birthday present. I have not had the chance to try it until now."
"That does not mean you can use it on the day Titanic sets sail. Especially with these soulmate geese around!"
"Soulmate geese?" I look down at my geese. "What are soulmate geese?"
"They help people find their soulmates. I know it sounds like rubbish."
I laugh. "Rubbish? No, not at all. It could be sweet."
"With geese chasing people around for the entire voyage?"
I sigh. Jane does have a point. Do I want this goose following me around for the entire voyage? Would anyone want that?
The short answer is no. No one wants a goose following you around at all hours of the day and night. Especially if these are soulmate geese and are supposed to help people find their significant other. How would they know who the person's significant other is? How can they tell who will be suitable for them? There are so many questions that do not make sense. Maybe the trick is to not think about it too deeply. "All right, maybe the idea is not so sweet. Who would want a goose chasing them for the entire voyage?"
"And I know you do not want me chasing you around the ship for the entire voyage!" A hand lands on my shoulder. I look behind me to see Wilde glaring at me, the fart machine in his other hand. "Did you think it was funny?" His cold blue eyes stare directly into mine. "I do not want to go around impersonating a Slitheen."
Jane covers her mouth with her hand to muffle the laugh trying to escape. Emma must have told her what a Slitheen is. I look back at Wilde. "I think Murdoch had a laugh about it."
"Of course, he did." Wilde pulls my hand forward and slaps the fart machine into it. "If I catch you putting this in someone's pocket, you will not like the consequences. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir." I sigh when Wilde turns his back and heads up the stairs.
"And you are to return to the Bridge the moment you finish your conversation with Miss Seymour. It is bad enough that William and Emma are covering your shift when there is no need."
I close my eyes and turn back to Jane. "I guess that means you should not pull pranks on this ship," Jane says.
"What, and miss seeing that beautiful face every day?" I jab a thumb behind me. "No, thanks. You must know how much trouble I love being in."
Jane groans and closes her eyes. "The canon at Fort Denison was not a one-time thing?" I shake my head. "Emma should have told me that."
"Well, she is infatuated with William. Certain things will slip her mind." I begin heading towards the stairs. "And I better go. I do not want Wilde to catch me extending my conversation with you to get out of my duties."
Jane laughs. "I cannot believe you, Charles Lightoller!"
I laugh and run up the stairs. I will think of another way to use the fart machine.