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The Traveler's body is... not quite human. They may look a bit more like they used to but the star they swallowed left its mark.
If it weren't made obvious by their too-smooth skin, lightless stained limbs and star glowing brightly against their chest then it would be made obvious by the numerous other weird things that just happen to them all the time.
Like how they don't breathe in their sleep, or the sweetness of wish craft that lingers under their perfume, or maybe even the way nothing seems able to physically scar them anymore.
Because they weren't enough of a freak before, apparently!
If it was anyone else asking to look at their changes they wouldn't be so kind... Well, they weren't kind. They ruthlessly teased their Stardust about wanting to check them out but unfortunately, besides some minor denial and adorable blush, Siffrin is too used to their tactics to be put off enough to drop it for anything less than a direct “No.“
If anyone else had asked... The Traveler would have might have, maybe, uncomfortably, let one of their friends gaze upon the stars that litter their arms but... but never like this.
Their Stardust wanted to touch, to explore, to see if he could recognize which part of the night sky they were supposed to be. He didn't voice this, the skittish creature that they are would never actually admit to it and the Traveler didn't dare risk calling him out on it even if they could tell by the way his eye looked over them.
It was embarrassing! If they were meaner they might accuse him of some weirder things but they... didn't quite mind the attention.
So here they are, laying in bed while wearing probably the least amount of clothes they've ever worn around anyone, just shorts and a tank top that's cut low enough for their star to peek out and their Stardust straddling their legs.
It's not weird. They try to assure themself, even as their face is hot and their star lights up Siffrin enough to see even in the dim room how his cheeks are stained dark too. They’ve been plenty closer to their Stardust than this! However, they don’t think any of those situations were ones where they’ve basically agreed to let him study them like Odile might.
They... probably didn't need to be in this exact position but it's where their Stardust ended up and the Traveler can't find it in themself to push him off.
The Traveler shifts their gaze to the ceiling, breathing in, and out.
"I’ll change my mind if you wait too long." They warn, already feeling their nerves fraying under his gaze. He’s looking at them, inspecting them closer than they’ve even dared to look at themself and isn’t that just like him? Seeing everything they missed because they were too scared to look deeper.
"We don't have to..." Their sweet, considerate Stardust offers an out and they are blinding ready to punch him for it. They don't want the out, they want him to hurry up before they take the out despite not wanting to, like a coward.
"Getting cold feet?" If he wasn't sitting on their legs they might be tempted to kick him, just to make the joke actually mean something. "You asked for this, do it already."
He laughs a bit and the Traveler’s face burns hotter than before. Frustration and guilt mix horribly with self-disgust, they can’t imagine why he’d want to touch any part of them but he asked for it, they keep reminding themself, he asked to have them and the stupid, needy, selfish thing inside them always made it impossible to deny him.
They watch his hand move, slowly and carefully towards their neck. They nearly jump out of their skin with the contact, there was no surprise to it, the Traveler watched and expected but the moment fingers press to where their pulse should be they couldn’t help but flinch. It’s a stupid instinct, there’s nowhere to shy away to, laying on their back with their Stardust above them but thankfully Siffrin understands too well they don’t mean to escape.
“I… Don’t have a pulse.” They inform when the touch lingers there a little too long, there’s nothing there to feel.
“Is that why you keep feeling mine?” The question makes them wince, they… had hoped that he wouldn’t notice.
They are as quiet as the star in their chest. They’re not sure why they do it, the rhythm is soothing to feel under their fingers. It’s proof of life maybe? Their heart hasn’t been theirs for a long time now but it’s still beating on without them inside their Stardust, it’s nice sometimes to remember what it should feel like. Sometimes when they catch Siffrin sleeping, they’re brave enough to lay their head on his chest and listen…
“Sometimes you look too much like my corpse.” They say instead of all that, still a little too true to be completely comfortable but they grin at the way the fingers on their neck twitch.
It’s only a little relief when he moves his hand because their Stardust doesn’t lift it from their skin, fingers trail lightly over their neck until he has it in his grasp. They swallow instinctively, feeling the light pressure against their throat.
“Nervous?” Their Stardust asks with a stupid grin, he’s enjoying this too much.
“We’ve already established I don’t need to breathe.” The Traveler gripes, hoping to burst their bubble. They understand it but they’re not about to entertain it. “You can’t actually hurt me like this.” It’s not quite meant to reassure but they can feel a little of the tension bleed out of their stardust.
They resist the urge to swallow again as their Stardust’s thumb rubs over their throat. They glance up at him only to find he’s not looking at them, eyes cast to the side in a familiar look of guilt and self-doubt. The Traveler waits, watching, he’ll either voice his thoughts or he’ll move past them and they’re not particularly uncomfortable enough to distract him.
“I want to choke you.” He finally says, voice a sort of pathetic and breathless tone that freezes the Traveler in place.
Huh.
That’s not quite what they expected to hear, they were used to thoughts like that but it was rare for their Stardust to confess them! Adorable!
“Do it then.” They respond a little too quickly and with a smile a bit too wide, always a little too much but considering their Stardust just said they wanted to choke them out they figure they’re not the one to be embarrassed here.
“Wuh- I-I didn’t-” Despite their permission, Siffrin hesitates and pulls his hands away. Scared of himself probably, pale and shaky from the hauntings of their own mind in a way that tempts the Traveler to want to strangle him again instead. “Loop-”
“Do it.” They jeer, finally moving themself to grip his wrists and lead him back to their throat. They giggle at the way he doesn’t grip, how they have to push on his fingers for him. “Don’t just tease me, Stardust! Do it, do it, do it. I got my turn, didn’t I? It’s only fair-”
They’re cut off as Siffrin’s weight shifts to press down hard on their neck, taunts harshly turned into a silly little choked noise. They grip their stardust’s wrists tightly, keeping him firmly in place despite how hard they have to resist the urge to shove him away, something still painfully human in them screaming danger. Did they ever die like this? They can’t remember anything that would have tried strangulation off the top of their head so this… this is completely new, isn’t it?
And it… doesn’t even hurt! They wouldn’t say it’s comfortable at all but besides a minor spark of an instinctual panic, it isn’t too different from being gripped slightly too tightly on the shoulder or anywhere else on their body.
Or it would be if not for the way their Stardust is looking at them.
The Traveler barely manages to give a raspy laugh as they meet his gaze, they understand this feeling too well. There’s an exhilarating rush of power from having something trapped under you, helpless to you. Siffrin’s eyes are wide and dangerous as they squeeze tighter, strangling their laughter into a pitiful little wheeze.
Did they grip this tightly? They imagine it probably hurt Siffrin more.
They wish once more they had a pulse, a heart to pound away with fear for their Stardust to feel under his fingers. They smile, more genuine than before as they remember what it was like, how good it felt to pin down everything you hate and watch it struggle. They’re nowhere near as desperate as Siffrin was, this poses no threat to them or their “happy ending” the way it did back then and they doubt that their Stardust took any enjoyment from it like they are but even this, having air denied from them like it was something still important to them, willingly letting the better version of them steal yet another thing from them, being able to give this messed up satisfaction in return…
It’s catharsis, they think.
Catharsis.
They feel giddy and light-headed.
The pressure on their throat lifts and they breathe in useless breaths too easily, if they were still human their throat would have been crushed, if they were still human their lungs would struggle to get as much air as they could, if they were still human they’d probably be so scared!
Their Stardust lifts his hands from their neck and the Traveler mourns the lost but lets go of their wrists willingly because they remember this part too, the sinking feeling, the heavy guilt, the crash after the high. It feels like forever until it ends and then it was never enough time.
“Loop?” Their Stardust calls for their attention and they wish they had just a bit more time to float.
“I’m okay, Stardust.” The Traveler’s voice is normal, with no note of raspiness, no bruise to mark their neck, no hitch to their breathing, and no proof of injury.
They reach up and touch Siffrin’s face because they think they’re allowed this, to ground themself and to soothe their Stardust. He leans into it, their lack of gloves lets them feel the warmth of his face. His hands are shaky but one finds a place on their wrist, they watch as his fingers trace over their stars and for once the Traveler isn’t entirely bothered by the presence of those little specks of light.
They can see his conflicted thoughts, the desire for control swirling in with disgust, he wants to do more and he hates himself for it even if the Traveler would welcome it. Siffrin is so much better than they could ever be but there was a lovely sense of satisfaction in dragging even just a small part of him down to their level.
“I’m- I-I shouldn’t have-” Guilt, guilt, guilt, they can see it so clearly, he gave in too easily, he hates himself so much!
“Honestly, it’s- you’re so bad with aftercare.” The Traveler interrupts his thoughts with a sharp grin, practically giggly by the way their Stardust sputters. “Before care too! Next time you’re taking me for dinner first.”
“… Next time?” Their Stardust questions, voice small and… Eager.
Next time. Why’d they say that? Embarrassing! Who wants to be choked out at all, if even once?! The both of them are disgusting! It makes the Traveler’s eyes scrunch up with a jittery sort of mirth as they try to bring themself back down.
“You didn’t even do what you set out to do!” They change the subject for the sake of their sanity and ignore the way heat burns at their face, ignore the way Siffrin’s pupil is blown wide, ignore how his fingers dig a little firmer into their wrist, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. They’re supposed to be the broken possessive one, their Stardust is not allowed to steal their role! “You were supposed to touch me like a normal person. Really, how did we ever keep on track- ah!”
They flinch as Siffrin’s other hand lands on their chest, over the part where their top smothers the light of their star. He jumps nearly as much as they do, hand jerking back to simply hover over them.
“Sorry!” He winces, looking embarrassed and startled. It’s a considerably better expression than before but they can only imagine themself reflecting it. “I just- Haha, no. That was a lot, wasn’t it? We should… stop.”
Stars, they’re suddenly glad they don’t have a pulse or they’d be having a heart attack.
“Greedy.” They snark, to themself and their Stardust.
He still wants to touch them. Of course he does, their Stardust is needy like that, always wanting more touch, taking whatever is allowed of them. They make a good pair, a selfish clingy mess of a pair but a good one nonetheless. They’d rather he choke them again so they can focus on the ways it doesn’t hurt instead of the oddity that is their wish-torn body but the Traveler has such a hard time saying no to their little Stardust.
“We can do something else,” Their Stardust offers another out, his right hand still hovering over them while the left keeps their own hand to his face. “Don’t wanna keep you in a chokehold.”
They laugh, not because the pun is funny but because that’s kinda the opposite of what they want! Not that they’ll admit to it, ever… Except they kinda did, didn’t they? Everything about this situation is mortifying, they should really shove their Stardust away before they both do something stupid and shameful.
“It’s fine.” The Traveler says instead because they’re a pathetic thing that wants, wants, wants. Their star is always hot, an uncomfortable heat that they need to hide and shove down. They don’t look at the hand that now hovers over it. “I’ve never bothered to look at it much, it’d be nice to know.”
There’s a question on their stardust’s lips but thankfully he has the mind to stop before asking it. The Traveler assumes he’s probably figured out by now how much their body bothers them, perhaps it doesn’t make sense with how everyone had already seen them as a star but being mostly Siffrin feels like a mockery.
Siffrin! Except for their hands! And legs! And blinding heart! Probably all their organs too! If they even have any! It’s funny!!!
Their train of thought is cut off when their Stardust places his hand back over their star and they somehow manage to not flinch quite as hard. There’s a coolness to their hand, even through their shirt it still minorly soothes some of the warmth of their star. They close their eyes and breathe in, and out.
They try to relax some of the tension out of their shoulders and lay their palms flat on the bed. It’s nice, they tell themself. Siffrin is staring at them like they are under a magnifying glass and it’s not comfortable but this is what they wanted, isn’t it? They think so, they don’t want him to stop.
Whatever their Stardust waits for seems to pass, the Traveler keeps their eyes shut as they feel him pull the rim of their shirt down and…
His fingers glaze over their star, they can tell but it doesn't quite feel like anything? Like a slightly directed brush of wind.
“Weird…” Their Stardust mumbles and the Traveler opens their eyes just to glare at him. He startles slightly as he catches their gaze and seems to realize what he said. “Uhh, I mean, sorry, I-I thought it would be more solid? But It’s like I can just press down-”
It feels like all the air is pushed from their lungs as Siffrin’s hand sinks through their star and into their chest. It presses into them, deeper than bone, they feel the coolness of their hand against their very being.
“Oh, oh stars-” Their Stardust curses and the Traveler spasms as they feel them yank.
“Stop, stop it, get out! Get out! Get out!” They flail slightly, legs jerking and hands finding grip on their forearm, their blinding forearm because his wrist is lost within the light of their star. They feel it when he moves again, another tug on their chest that makes them screech. “Stop!”
“I-I’m trying!” There’s another pull, not quite as aggressive but it draws a pathetic keen from their throat. they feel it, each finger, each slight twitch, it’s like their muscles have been pried open and their body is stitching itself around the intrusion. “Yeah, that’s not working… I’m stuck…”
They choke back another noise, their vision blurs as the only sensation they can process is inside them. Siffrin’s hand stays still in them now, as still as it can be, they feel the slight tremors buzzing against their… something. It’s against something, they have no idea what but a hysterical giggle makes them tremble as they realize it’s confirmed not any organs!
Even their giggle is too much, their chest still shakes with breath and each littlest movement makes them uncomfortably aware of the hand. They have to hold their breath because as their nonexistent lungs pretend to fill their Stardust’s hand feels like it takes up so much more space, pressing firmly against whatever moves inside them.
“Okay, okay, this is fine.” Their Stardust’s other hand gently tries to pry at the Traveler’s grip on his arm, for a moment they’re determined to spitefully dig their nails deeper into Siffrin’s skin as any sort of retaliation for what they’re doing to them but the image of blood dripping down his arm and into their star has them yanking their hand away. “Loop..?”
They try to hum but it breaks off into a whimper as they feel a finger twitch.
“I know we already said you don’t need to but I think you should try breathing.” He offers oh-so-helpful advice.
“Die.” They hiss out but try to listen, slowly letting out a breath and choking as they breathe in.
“Ugh, I can feel it…” Siffrin complains quietly and the Traveler shoots them a glare.
“Oh! You can-” They wheeze slightly as their chest tightens. “-can feel it?!”
“Sorry…” Their Stardust cringes a little but it just moves their arm slightly. He freezes still again as they jolt slightly. “Sorry!”
They press their head back against the pillow and shut their eyes tightly, the taste of sugar bubbles at their throat, faintly growing stronger with each involuntary twitch of Siffrin’s hand. They’re grateful as he grows quiet to let them breathe, it’s uncomfortable and weird, so blinding weird and inhuman and invasive but they manage to slowly adapt.
It’s just pressure, they try to tell themself. It doesn’t hurt, like the pressure of having their throat crushed but- just more.
“You’re stuck?” They ask miserably, slowly opening their eyes to look up at their Stardust’s poorly hidden worry.
“I’m stuck.” He snickers slightly. “I’m stuck in a Loop.” They… admittedly have to fight back their own laugh, their chest spasming as they fight their smile.
“So~” The Traveler puts on a shaky smile as they force their performative voice. “You’re stuck in a Loop! At least we- ah…” Siffrin’s laughter shakes at them but they push on. “W-we escaped the time part!”
They both crack, Siffrin snorting and raising his free hand to cover his mouth and the only thing stopping the Traveler from cackling is the way they wheeze around the pressure in their chest. They both cringe from the feeling of it but it only makes them struggle more against the hysteria.
It takes them a few minutes to come down and the pressure pushing against the Traveler’s… Star? heart? Soul? lessens as they relax slightly, their Stardust’s hand feels less like an invasion and more just… there, it’s still weird beyond comprehension but they get used to it.
“What does it feel like?” He asks them after a beat of hesitation.
“Your hand’s a little cold…” They complain despite it not actually bothering them. “I- I’m really not sure how to explain it. It- It feels like you shoved your hand into my chest? It’s a little difficult to breathe around it. It doesn’t hurt but I can feel each time you move. I feel-” They struggle with their words. “I feel like you just- pried me open to make room for yourself…”
They feel his fingers twitch at that, a motion to almost clench before he remembered that they shouldn’t move.
“It’s hot…” He mumbles. “Like almost hurting but not quite enough to burn.” The Traveler gazes up at him as his other hand reaches out the trace the edges of their star, making them shudder from the touch. “It’s… Smooth? It doesn’t feel solid but it is? Like if wind pressure could take shape. It still moves like muscle, I think. It’s squeezing my hand, I feel it move when you do, it gets tighter when you breathe in.”
“Weird…” They mumble.
“Weird.” Their Stardust agrees. “It doesn’t feel as tight now, I could try pulling out again?”
Stars, they do not want to feel him move again but they clench their eyes shut and give a sharp nod anyway.
“No! No, stop!” They immediately regret it, the tug in their chest makes them arch their back to lessen the strain. It’s weird! It’s pulling too hard! They whine as their Stardust goes still again and barely have the mind to even be embarrassed about it.
“It… You gripped me when I moved again?” He says when their panicked breathing evens out a bit. “I think we’re stuck until you relax…”
“Re- Relax? How am I supposed to blinding relax like this?!” The Traveler snaps, still not looking. It’s fine if they don’t look, maybe they can pretend it’s not there if Siffrin would shut up.
“Guess we’re stuck then.” He sounds way too relaxed about this. “If I can’t pull backwards maybe I can push deeper?”
“Why would-” They reluctantly open their eyes to glare and grab his arm to hopefully prevent any more movement. “Do not.”
“I kinda really want to.”
“Stardust!” They can’t believe this, they really cannot believe they have to deal with this.
“It’s not like I can get more stuck.” He brushes off so easily, smiling even! They can’t believe he’s teasing them while like this!
“You can! Probably!!!” Their star isn’t wide enough to swallow him.
At least… They hope it isn’t. Stars, that’s something they have to worry about isn’t it? Their body was formed by wishcraft, they don’t need to breathe or have a pulse, there’s nothing inside them. Who’s to say they wouldn’t crack open to finally consume them? They dream so much of eating, of being eaten, of their Stardust choking on them.
The Traveler’s breath is shaky as they realize that’s a real threat, that even now the idea sparks something in them. They want it, they want to pull Siffrin in deeper, they want to press together until whichever one of them has the stronger gravity consumes the other. they want to keep him with them forever, they want, they want, they want-
They always imagined it would be him that consumed them, that tore them open and drank whatever they might have for blood. Maybe in escaping them, Siffrin will rip the star from their chest and they’ll simply be something small and shiny in his palm.
They shudder, they don’t want to die like this, they don’t want to die again at all. They don’t want Siffrin to die! What a stupid way to go! Their family wouldn’t forgive either of them.
“Hey, hey, Loop…” The palm of the hand their Stardust doesn’t have pressed into their being cups their face, cool against their flushed skin, the feeling makes them jolt and then cringe with the movement. “I’m kidding, it’s okay!”
“Shut up.” They hiss and try to fight the way their voice wants to crack. “Nothing about this is okay.”
“It is.”
They mourn the loss of their touch as it moves, the pillow sinking as Siffrin braces his arm next to their head as he leans over them. The movement doesn’t tug quite as badly, they can tell he’s being careful but it still shifts against whatever makes up their body. He encloses them with himself though, blocking out the rest of the world as his face hovers over theirs.
“My hand isn’t gone, I can still feel it.” He proves that with the slightest wiggle of his fingers, they grit their teeth and give their Stardust a withering look. “I moved it a bit when you were relaxed, I’ll get out eventually.”
They don’t want eventually, they’d really like right now but take a shaky uncomfortable breath.
It’s fine, their Stardust is right. He probably wouldn’t be that calm if his hand was burning up inside them or something.
“You’re not pressing in deeper or I will chop your arm off completely.” They grumble and fight the barest hint of a smile at the disappointment that immediately crosses Siffrin’s face.
“Come on!” He practically whines. “I wanna see if I can feel your spine…”
“Absolutely not.” The Traveler shudders at the idea and sharply turns their head to the side.
“How deep could I press inside you…” He murmurs now a little too close to their ear with their head turned.
“No.” They say firmly but their face is growing hotter. “I refuse, you’re never touching it again!”
“Aw,” Their Stardust leans closer, intentionally lowering their voice now, knowing exactly what he’s doing. “But I want to feel you… You’re so warm.”
It’s a slow shift, Siffrin curling their fingers into a fist. It’s a strange feeling, one that makes them inhale harshly and hold it until his hand stills again but the calm intentional movement behind it doesn’t feel as harsh.
Stars, they take it back, they hope he dies so they never have to live with the embarrassment of how he’s seeing how their face is probably stained dark with blush. They’re close, literally as close to each other as they can be. Their Stardust has his hand pressed to the closest thing that is their heart and despite teasing, he’s trying to be gentle with them.
It’s… dangerous, it feels dangerous and vulnerable, they feel faint, their heart would be pounding if they had one.
How did he manage to get them in this position twice in a row?!
“… Fine.” They don’t look at him, shoving their good side deeper into the pillow so they don’t have to look at him. “Not… This time, you’re getting out of me the moment you can but if… If we do this again, you can… feel more.”
They feel like they’re burning up, uncomfortably hot with the pillow providing little help against their heated face.
“Y-yeah, yeah, okay.” Their Stardust says, suddenly a little flustered as well and poorly hiding their excitement with the second promise of “next time” they’ve gotten from them today.
The Traveler represses a snicker, knowing immediately that he didn’t actually expect them to agree despite their teasing though their smugness is quickly wiped from them with a spiteful little shift of his hand.
He grants them some mercy, leaning forward again to rest his head against theirs, lips pressed against the side of their temple. It’s so painfully intimate but they choose not to say anything and so does he, allowing them to quietly breathe with them until the pressure in their chest lifts once more.
“I think I can move again…” Siffrin breaks the silence after a few minutes. “I’m going to try and pull again, okay? Just breathe…”
“Ugh…” The Traveler groans but gives a small nod. “Fine.”
They brace themself for the tug again, trying to convince themself it won’t be as bad, it’ll be slow and fine. It’s just their Stardust, they’re not doing anything to hurt them, so it’ll be fine-
Their eyes glaze as the hand is ripped from them in a sudden yank, mouth open in a silent scream as their form spasms. It’s a lot, it’s so much, it’s like a chunk of them was just suddenly pulled from them. It doesn’t hurt but stars, they sort of wish it did just so they could have something else to focus on.
“I got it!”
They’re going to kill him, they’re going to kill him, they’re going to blinding kill him so painfully the moment they stop wheezing. They don’t even process that they’ve curled to the side as much can with Siffrin still straddling them, their arms squeezed tightly and protectively over their star.
They feel a little empty now, had almost adapted to the strange pressure. It’s so noticeably empty now, a little cold spot where their Stardust used to be. They’re not sure how to feel about it but they’ll process it later when they’re less blinding angry at the harshness.
The Traveler slowly looks at their Stardust, smiling and not even the least bit remorseful. They feel absolutely murderous. It takes everything in them to pry their arms from their chest but it’s so worth it when they smack that stupid grin off Siffrin’s face with their pillow.
They’re merciless as they beat him, even as he cries excuses and hiccups with laughter.
“I’m sorry!” Whack! “It was-” Whack! “The only-” Whack! “Way!!!”
It was the only way, he says. They would have tensed again, he justifies. It was also funny, he mocks.
“You’re sleeping on the floor.” Both Siffrin and the Traveler are panting by the time they finally relent, indignation still burning in them. “On the floor! No running to share with Isa! You stay on the floor like the dog you are!!!”
“Nooo, I’m sorry!!!”
The Traveler spares no pity.