Work Text:
ARCHIVIST
Tim, I have a question about your expense report.
[PAPERS SHUFFLING AS HE TRIES TO READ TIM’S ILLEGIBLE HANDWRITING]
Why did you spend £17 at… Ivy’s Pub?
TIM
[HIS CHAIR CREAKS AS HE CASUALLY LEANS BACKWARD]
I bought myself a few pints.
[SOUND OF HIS CHAIR SLAMMING AGAINST THE FLOOR AS HE CATCHES HIMSELF BEFORE FALLING OVER. HIS FEET HIT THE FLOOR WITH A THUMP]
ARCHIVIST
Is that so?
TIM
[Exasperated] I didn’t mean to say that
ARCHIVIST
Well, what did you mean to say?
TIM
I was going to lie and tell you that I needed them for work purposes, but I just didn’t really feel like interviewing Charlotte Clark that day.
[TIM CLAPS HIS HAND OVER HIS MOUTH WITH AN AUDIBLE SMACK]
[MARTIN LAUGHS]
ARCHIVIST
That is hardly an appropriate use of company funds.
TIM
[slightly frantic] No, that’s- I didn’t mean to say that! It’s like you pulled it out of me
ARCHIVIST
[suspicious] Tim, have you been drinking?
TIM
[frantic] No, when you asked me it was like I had to answer [ frustrated groan ] Look, just try it on Martin and you’ll see!
[JON STARTS TO DISMISS HIM BUT TIM CUTS HIM OFF]
Just, please? Try asking Martin something. I swear to God I’m telling the truth.
ARCHIVIST
[voice full of disdain] Martin, what colour is your shirt?
MARTIN
Erm…blue?
TIM
You have to ask him something he wouldn’t want to answer
[MARTIN SQUEAKS NERVOUSLY]
ARCHIVIST
Have you ever purposefully submitted a report when you knew it contained mistakes?
MARTIN
Yeah, when you’re being particularly frustrating I put the period on the wrong side of the quotation marks when I’m citing something ‘cause I know you can’t be bothered to make me re-do the whole thing but I know it drives you mad [gasps]
ARCHIVIST
[mumbling] I knew it
[BOTH MARTIN AND JON SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME]
Martin, proper citations-
MARTIN
I am so sorry I-
TIM
[Speaking loudly over both of them] Brilliant!
[HIS CHAIR CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR AS HE JUMPS UP IN EXCITEMENT]
We should play a game!
ARCHIVIST
[disgusted and annoyed] a game?
TIM
[Audibly grinning] Yeah, like…truth or dare! Or truth or….truth? Martin, truth or truth?
MARTIN
Uh, truth? [realizing Tim isn't the one with the truth powers and he doesn't actually have to answer him ] Wait, no!
TIM
Have you ever…[ Wickedly] had sex in public?
MARTIN
[sputtering] What? No!
TIM
Alright, Jon now you ask him!
MARTIN
Jon is not-
ARCHIVIST
[Done with the conversation and trying to humour Tim so they can all get back to work] Have you?
MARTIN
Yeah…
[SOUNDS OF HIM STRUGGLING TO STOP HIMSELF FROM SPEAKING]
I gave someone a blowjob in a toilet stall once.
ARCHIVIST
[ disgusted] …disgusting.
TIM
[practically yelling] Oh my God!
[SOUNDS OF TIM MOVING AROUND THE ROOM, TOO EXCITED TO CONTAIN IT WITHIN HIS BODY]
really?
MARTIN
[DROPPING HIS HEAD INTO HIS HAND AND MAKING VAGUE NOISES OF EMBARRASMENT]
[SASHA’S HEELS CLICK AGAINST THE TILE AS SHE ENTERS THE BREAK ROOM]
SASHA
What’s going on?
[MARTIN SIGHS IN RELIEF AT THE ATTENTION SHIFTING AWAY FROM HIM]
TIM
Jon’s got spooky truth-telling powers!
SASHA
[confused] what?
TIM
Jon’s got-
SASHA
[cutting Tim off] No, I heard you. What does that mean?
TIM
Go on, show her Jon!
ARCHIVIST
[SIGHS]
Sasha, what’s something you know that you aren't telling me?
SASHA
Martin has a crush on you.
[MARTIN SPUTTERS AND CHOKES ON HIS TEA, IT SPLASHES ACROSS THE TABLE. ARCHIVIST’S CHAIR SCRAPES AGAINST THE FLOOR AS HE TRIES TO AVOID IT]
SASHA
Oh, My God. Martin, I am so sorry.
TIM
Wow, Martin’s really taking a beating this game, huh?
[MARTIN AND SASHA SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME]
MARTIN
[disgruntled and embarrassed] Tim…
SASHA
[Scolding] Tim!
TIM
What? [feigning innocence] She’s the one who said it.
MARTIN
[GROANS]
Not helping...
SASHA
I think we might have bigger things to worry about right now. Specifically, Jon’s magic powers.
ARCHIVIST
[grumpily] I don’t have magic powers
SASHA
[are you kidding me?] Okay, what do you call the sudden ability to make people tell the truth, Jon?
ARCHIVIST
A…[ not even he believes what he’s saying] Coincidence?
[THE ENTIRE TABLE, MINUS JON, GROANS LOUDLY]
MARTIN
[Incredulos] Are you serious? Can we not do the whole skeptic thing right now?
ARCHIVIST
Fine. What do you suppose we do then, Martin?
MARTIN
I have no idea, I'm still so embarrassed I can barely think and all I want to do right now is hide in the storage room.
[PAUSES]
[HUFFS]
You should stop asking questions, for starters
ARCHIVIST
Right.
TIM
Ask him if he’s ever-
[MARTIN GROANS AND LAYS HIS HEAD DOWN HEAVILY ONTO HIS FOLDED ARMS]
SASHA
(Ignoring Tim) Have you touched any artifacts? Or talked to anyone strange?
ARCHIVIST
(disparaging) Sasha, I want you to consider our place of work for a moment. I haven’t spoken to anyone normal since 2011.
SASHA
Well, stranger then?
ARCHIVIST
No [sighs] Nothing comes to mind.
SASHA
Okay
[PAUSES TO COLLECT HER THOUGHTS. SHE STANDS UP AND THE CHAIR SCRAPES AGAINST THE FLOOR.]
[Taking charge] I'll check with artifact storage and see if they've misplaced anything. Tim, you head to the library and see what you can find on compulsion and mind control. Martin...
[MARTIN MUMBLES SOMETHING INCOHERENT, HIS WORDS MUFFLED BY HIS ARMS]
Maybe you should take a few minutes to, uh...breathe. You're looking a little...
TIM
flustered?
SASHA
stressed.
MARTIN
[muffled] I'm fine
ARCHIVIST
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
[Trying to sound as professional and authoritative as possible to overcompensate for his sudden feelings of inferiority] I'll take a look at yesterday's statement. Perhaps something I read caused this...problem.
SASHA
[Trying to defuse Jon's discomfort] Good idea. And don't ask any more questions.
ARCHIVIST
[Joking] Why, is there something you're afraid I'll find out?
[realizing and regretting] Oh no. Sorry, I didn't-
SASHA
Tim and I have been hooking up and I think I deserve your job more than you
TIM
I love this job.
ARCHIVIST
[CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN]
Right. Well, neither of those facts were exactly...unknown to me.
[SOUND OF HIS SHOES SQUEAKING ON THE FLOOR AS HE TURNS TOWARD HIS OFFICE. HE STOPS ABRUPTLY AND TURNS TO LOOK BACK AT MARTIN]
Oh, and Martin? Please ensure that there are no futher issues with your citations. I doubt I need to remind you that we have a certain academic standard to uphold, regardless of how...frustrated you may be.
[TIM LAUGHS SO LOUDLY IT ECHOS]
[DOOR CLOSES]