Work Text:
As soon as Matt walked into the office he could tell something was wrong. Foggy smelled of tears and panic and his heart was pounding. Barely resisting the urge to run, Matt wordlessly walked to the doorway of Foggy’s office without stopping to put away his things.
“Matt,” Foggy’s voice shook.
“What happened, Foggy?” Matt asked as he walked in toward his partner.
“Mom called. Grandad was rushed to the hospital. She said I shouldn’t come out for the holidays. They don’t know… Mom said she’d call if,” Foggy’s voice trailed into silent sobs.
Matt stepped forward and rested his hand on Foggy’s shoulder. Foggy’s heartbeat and breathing calmed as he held on to Matt’s hand and leaned into his side.
Matt thought about how hard this must be for Foggy. Foggy always seemed so close to his family. To have all his Christmas plans cancelled, and to be worried about his Grandad’s health... Matt would do anything to keep this pain from him.
He heard the front door of the building and a familiar heartbeat. “Foggy, Karen is coming in the building. Do you want me to get you a wet towel or anything?”
“Nah, that’s ok, buddy. I’m not that much of a drippy mess,” Foggy took a deep breath and sat up. “I should probably get some work done. You, too, Attorney Mur-slacker-dock.”
Matt smiled and stepped toward his office. “You need anything,” he let his voice trail off. What could he do to help Foggy? What did he know about family?
“I know, Matt. Thank you,” Foggy’s answer and heartbeat sounded sincere. Maybe he really did know Matt was here for him.
Foggy seemed almost composed when he told Karen a few minutes later, although Matt could still sense his discomfort.
Karen hugged him and asked, “Do you need me to do anything? Do you want me to cancel any appointments, or call anyone?”
“No, thanks. We’ll just leave everything as it is for now until I know more.”
“Ok, boss,” Karen said with a jovial sarcastic tone. She continued more kindly, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“I will.”
Matt was surprised to discover that they did manage to get some work done for a few hours, in between Foggy checking his phone for texts or missed calls and refreshing email on his computer.
He heard Foggy tense when he checked the text notification on his phone and then relax a bit as he read it. Fiddling with a cup of coffee, Matt stuck his head into Foggy’s doorway. “News?”
“Good news, I think,” Foggy gestured as he continued, “The doctors say ‘his condition is serious but his prognosis is positive’. I did air quotes for that bit. I think it’s mom quoting my uncle who is quoting the doctors. But if the game of telephone is to be trusted I guess the scariest part is over.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“Did I ever tell you about Grandad and Yule, Matt?”
Matt shook his head and hummed in questioning encouragement.
“When we visited him for Christmas break he would let us stay up with him all night on the solstice and watch the fire. Well, we tried to stay up. There would be candles, and cookies and mulled cider and at some point someone would say ‘Look, it’s the first light of dawn.’ and we would pretend we had been awake the whole time.
“I haven’t thought about that in years.” Foggy’s whole body relaxed as he described his childhood memory.
The next afternoon Foggy walked into Matt’s office.
“Are there any rooftops around where it would be safe to have a bonfire?”
Matt stopped reading and gave Foggy his attention. “To sit up for the solstice?”
“Yeah. To keep vigil -- I finally remembered that’s what he called it. I can’t stop thinking about it. If I can’t visit Grandad I can at least do that for him.”
“Ok. I’ll look around tonight and find someplace.”
“Thanks,” Foggy walked over to Karen’s desk. “Karen, can you find someplace that sells firewood?”
“Why do you need firewood? You live in an efficiency.”
Matt chimed in from his desk, “Oh, is that what you call it? I thought it was an illegal sublet of an illegally partitioned apartment.”
“Hush you. We can’t all find giant billboards to lower our rent,” Foggy turned back to Karen and continued, “I will tell you why I need firewood! Matt and I are going to stay up on the solstice and get drunk around a bonfire. Wanna come?”
“Yeah, no. I like getting buzzed with you two, but not outside in December.”
“Okay, it’s just a party for two, then. I’ll bring the supplies, Murdock, you just bring your crazy brand of beer.”
“Will you bring hot chocolate?” Matt raised his eyebrows as he asked.
“Yes, I will bring hot chocolate. Karen, you’re going to miss my good hot chocolate!”
Karen stuck her tongue out at him. “I’ll just have to find a way to muddle through life without it.”
“Matt, Karen just stuck her tongue out at me. Did you know we hired a 10 year old to be our secretary?”
Matt said nothing, but was smirking as he went back to reading documents.
On the night of the solstice, Foggy walked up to the chosen building pushing a wheeled cart.
Matt was waiting for him by the door bundled in full coat and scarf. He tilted his head and commented, “You weren’t kidding about the supplies.”
“I didn’t know how much firewood we would need, and I didn’t want to run out. Help me carry these bundles upstairs. They’re like 20lbs each and I am not the muscle in this partnership.”
Matt folded his cane and stuck it in his pocket, then held out his arms. “Load me up.”
They trudged up the stairs of the underused building. Matt described the amenities. “There’s some sort of brick fireplace from when the fire department didn’t care about roof fires. And there’s an overhang that should cut down on the wind. We can lean up against it when we get sick of those folding chairs.”
“You forgot to mention there’s almost no light in these stairwells. You can go in front of me at the next landing, I’m going to lead us both into a broken stair or a giant pit or something.”
“There are no giant pits, Foggy,” Matt said earnestly.
“Oh good. You can still go first.”
It took them two more trips to get everything up to the roof. Foggy started to arrange firewood and newspaper in the fireplace. “I’ve got the blankets, the firewood, the kindling, the snacks and the drinks. And the drinks and the drinks. I think we are all set to start this party! Let’s add some flame!”
Foggy arranged the logs, muttering about a lost youth as a boy scout, while Matt gave helpful suggestions that were anything but. After much swearing, the application of some of the hard liquor did the trick and one of the logs really caught.
Looking pleased with himself, Foggy pulled up a chair and popped open a beer.
“Any news about your Grandad?” Matt asked as he copied Foggy’s actions.
“Mom has sent a bunch of emails but they all say the same thing. ‘He is stable, we’re still optimistic, it’s not a good time for you to visit him, I’ll let you know when you should come.’”
Matt patted Foggy’s knee encouragingly, and Foggy started the process of setting up snacks and getting hot chocolate ready.
Foggy stared at the firepit. He had lost track of time. They were halfway through the firewood, so he hoped they were at least halfway through the night. Foggy felt as warm and joyful as when he was surrounded by loved ones on a family holiday. He told Matt as much.
“I think we have finally reached babble-o’clock, Murdock. Who knew that if we paced out our drinking so we could stay conscious all night we could stay amusing for so long? Think of all the bonding experiences we missed out on in school because we were passed out in bed!”
“I don’t think we had anything as tasty as this hot chocolate then,” Matt smiled broadly. Foggy filed away “spiked hot chocolate” as one of Matt’s secret vices.
“That is true, my friend. I suck at mixed drinks, but I make an excellent grownup hot chocolate.” Foggy waved his hand holding the hot chocolate.
“I just gestured expressively with my hot chocolate, buddy. Hot chocolate, hot chocolate, hot chotoclate, hot chotoclate, how choclate. That’s fun to say. My hot toddies are also excellent,” he proclaimed, nuzzling into Matt’s shoulder. “I think. I’m usually pretty drunk when I get around to them. Mmm, you smell good.”
Foggy stopped talking and just enjoyed Matt’s shoulder for a while. At some point he pulled his head up (had he fallen asleep?) and noticed something in the sky.
“Awww, Matt, it’s snowing.”
Matt grunted. Foggy wasn’t sure what he meant by it. “Can you tell when it’s snowing?”
Matt turned his face up toward the sky and pursed his lips. “I think it’s like you noticing raindrops outside a window. When it’s just a few I can’t tell, but once it starts really coming down I can sense the cold and feel the flakes melt.”
Foggy hummed contentedly, “I love snow. At the beginning, when it’s clean. Not the slushy mess it turns into around here, when it mixes with the excrement of city life.”
Matt smirked at the description.
As the night got longer and longer Foggy got less and less talkative. Matt tossed out some conversation starters, but they fizzled.
“What’s wrong, Foggy? What don’t you want to talk about?” Matt wrapped one of the blankets more tightly around himself.
Foggy stood up and started pacing. “Am I doing that thing? Where you can hear my breathing and know I want to say something?”
“Somewhat. And I’ve never known you to be this quiet after drinking this much.”
Foggy snorted in amusement.
“So what is it?” Matt persisted.
Foggy walked to the edge of roof before coming back to sit down in his chair. He hung his head in his hands as he answered, “I’m scared. I’m scared all the time, Matt. I’m scared I won’t see my Grandad again. I’m scared that my parents are getting old and I can’t help them. I’m scared that we’re going to go bankrupt. I’m scared something is going to happen to you.”
“That’s a lot to be scared about.”
“Yeah, it is. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about any of those problems.”
Matt squatted down in front of Foggy and gently grabbed his knee. “You’re not helpless. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You fight every day for what is right and to take care of people. You’re afraid of these things because they’re truly scary. But they’re not your fault.”
Foggy lifted his head out of his hands and rested his forehead against Matt’s. “Thanks.”
“What about you? What’s bothering you tonight?”
“Why do you think something is bothering me?”
“You’ve looked miserable for hours, and you’ve shredded the edges of that blanket.”
“I’m fine, Foggy.” Matt said, his tone suggesting anything but fine.
“Yeah, not good enough, buddy. You gotta tell me something. How do I know how you’re doing if you won’t talk to me?”
Matt turned away from Foggy and clenched his fists. Foggy gazed unwaveringly at Matt. The fire crackled as they both sat there silently.
“You want to know the truth? I hate this,” Matt waved his hand broadly. “I hate the cold; I hate snow. I hate the boredom. I hate that I can hear suffering all around and I am stuck in this one place. I hate bonfires. I hate the smoke and I hate the way the heat wiggles around and I hate that I can only think of destruction and sirens when I smell fire. I know I’m not supposed to let it get to me. I should use it as an opportunity to practice control, and to tune things out. But I hate this and I wish we were inside.”
“Jesus, Matt. Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because you needed me.”
“You do know you can say no to me, right?”
Matt went silent and turned away from Foggy and the fire. When he turned back to speak tears were running down his cheeks.
“I can’t lose you, Foggy. I can’t go on without you.
“That night you walked out… I can’t go through that again.
“I ask so much of you, Foggy. Putting up with me as a roommate. Leaving Landman and Zack. Forgiving me for my lies about what I can do. Knowing that I go out at night. How could I refuse you when you need something from me?”
Foggy exploded. “You can refuse if it’s going to hurt you! Shit, though, a lot of this is my fault. I never even asked you if you wanted to come out with me. I just assumed you would. I never thought it would make you miserable.”
“I’m not miserable, Foggy, I’m with you. I would just rather be with you on a couch somewhere with indoor heating.”
Foggy said, “You need to be able to say no to me if our relationship is going to work. That’s how boundaries work, you don’t agree to do things if they are going to hurt you.”
“I’ll try, but it’s easier for me to ignore my pain than ignore yours.”
Foggy said, “Shit, more of that martyr stuff. It’s not supposed to work that way, Matt. I can help you take care of you, but you need to take care of you most. If I promise you’re not going to drive me away can you please try to take care of yourself? How about you just promise to tell me when you don’t like things. Can you do that?”
Matt chewed on his bottom lip and took a deep breath. “I can try.”
“Ok. That’s a really good start. Do you want to go inside now?”
“No, it’s almost dawn. Let me know when you see the sunrise, ok?”
They sat in silence as the fire dwindled away.
“Look, I see the first light of dawn!”
“Nah, I saw it first,” Matt quipped, then grabbed Foggy’s hand. They held onto each other until the sun rose.