Work Text:
John Phoenix was out in the fields experiencing the environment with his Uncle Phoenix.
"Wow John Phoenix take a photo of that bird!" said Phoenix.
"Okay," said John Phoenix.
"You didn't take out the camera..." said Phoenix.
"No, I didn't. Why? Because I don't need a camera. I have a photographic memory. That means I can save things I see with my eyes into a photo album in my brain. I can view it whenever I like."
"Wow that's very smart of you John Phoenix."
Suddenly a pig ran past John Phoenix, it ran through his open legs and nearly made him fall!
"Woahhhh ow!" John Phoenix did fall! "How dare that piggie make me fall!"
He got up and a wolf ran up next to him and fell on the ground panting heavily.
"I must catch that pig!" the wolf panted.
"So must I," said John Phoenix.
John Phoenix and the wolf decided to team up together and catch the pig.
They followed the pigprints on the ground and it took them to a house made of wood.
"Okay this'll be easy," said the wolf. "I'm gonna huff and puff and BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN!"
"OBJECTION no you will not!" said John Phoenix. "How do you expect to do that? It is made of wood! And it's a house! Wood houses are heavy!"
"Good point, John Phoenix," said the wolf. "But then how will I get inside?"
John Phoenix peeked into the window and heard a conversation inside.
"Why yes Billy yes I will keep you safe from the big bad wolf sit down dear fellow have a glass of water oh shit wait the faucet's broken whatever shall I do?"
"You should call a repairman!" John Phoenix shouted.
"Thank you John Phoenix."
The pig who owned the house picked up the phone and called the repairman.
"Hello, I'd like to ask you to fix my pipes," said the pig.
"Not interested," said the voice at the other end of the phone, but John Phoenix recognized it so he used ventriloquism to move his voice to where the phone was and started talking.
"Hello!" said John Phoenix and suddenly a hand came out of the phone and it stretched really wide and DYLAN FITCHAR JUMPED OUT!
"JOHN PHOENIX WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Dylan ran around screaming like a madman and swinging violent weapons around and the piggies were forced to flee! When they ran out the wolf was waiting for them and they tried to run back into the house but the wolf stabbed a stick through them and roasted them over a fire and they squealed like the pigs that they are but they deserved it.
John Phoenix and the wolf shared the roast pigs while a mysterious person observed their indulgence.
"You shall suffer for this, John Phoenix!" said the evil man and he went away to carry out his evil deed.
After eating the pigs, John Phoenix got tired and decided to go home. He walked back the way he came until he found a house made of bricks he didn't notice before. He looked through the window and saw the silhouette of a man with an axe and he SMASHED IT DOWN ON THE THIRD LITTLE PIG!
The police arrived!
"You are under arrest, Big Bad Wolf!" shouted Detective Camille from Hexepta: Mayor Attack.
The next day there was a trial and the wolf was accused of murdering the pig.
"OBJECTION!" shouted John Phoenix before anyone could speak. "He couldn't even get into the house!"
"Yeah he could," said Camille. "All he had to do was huff and puff and blow the house down!"
"No he could not..." said John Phoenix. "Because the house was made of BRICKS!"
"AW SHIT!" shouted Camille and he ran away.
"But John Phoenix who did do it then?" said the judge.
"The only way someone could get into the house was if they looked innocent and that means he must've looked like a pig himself and the only person I can think of that fits that description is DYLAN FITCHAR!"
"NO! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT!" shouted Dylan.
"Yes I can," said John Phoenix, and he hooked his brain to a computer and printed a photo he took of the moment of the crime with his photographic memory and it printed a picture of Dylan doing it!
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Dylan. Dylan Fitchar ran away!
"Very well I declare the wolf Not Guilty-" said the judge.
"NO YOU DON'T!" shouted Camille. "The wolf just DIED!"
"WHAT? WHO DID THIS?" said Payne.
"I think I know," said John Phoenix. "It had to be the only person in this court who doesn't have an alibi and that has to be YOU DETECTIVE CAMILLE!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOO!" cried Camille. "I'm sorry I confess I did it! I killed the wolf! I was the evil person who was watching them eat! I did it to save the pig that got eaten."
"You are under arrest for murder Detective Camille, I declare you GUILTY!"
John Phoenix won the case the end!