Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Liu Qingge is a light sleeper. 

This meant that when Shen Jiu wanted to lie awake at night, which was often, she had to be careful about it lest her thoughts be too loud.

Liu Qingge was also always quick when waking up.

“Awake?” He would ask though it was obvious that she was. 

“Mm.” She would answer. 

“Okay?” He would usually heave himself into half sitting at that point, “Need anything?” Line by line down his familiar script. Shen Jiu didn’t think he actually had a list, just that he was really that predictable. 

Sometimes if she was feeling a familiar gross late night queasy dysphoria she would nod and ask for water which would be fetched. Other times she would want him to talk to distract her which was easy enough with only a little prompting. 

“What did you think of the travel today?” For example. Or, “Do you think the weather tomorrow will be good?” The blandest questions she could think of. The ones that could not possibly generate anything other than desert dry smalltalk. 

He would always answer and distract her from the torture of her own thoughts. An easier life hadn’t fixed her yet and she was starting to feel a creeping terror that it never would. 

Other times she would just shake her head and tell him to go back to sleep even though that wasn’t what she wanted. With him sleeping easily next to her she would try and match their breaths to lull herself though that rarely helped. 

It must be a soldiers’ instinct and training that made him such an easy sleeper. He was the same on the war front, the road, the estate. Once his eyes were closed he was asleep and though he would wake quickly he would fall asleep again just as fast and was never grumpy the next morning from interrupted rest. 

Tonight was a night where Shen Jiu wanted to get up. Sleep was not only eluding her, it may as well be beating her down for how she felt. There was bright moonlight coming in through the window and puddling on the sheets of their bed. 

It was keeping her awake. That, and the heat. 

She turned her head to look back at Liu Qingge’s sleeping face. While the heat seemed to finally lure him into a deeper sleep than usual, it felt like a heavy blanket to her; somehow keeping her too physically cossetted to actually sleep. Comfortable enough that sleep was slipping through her fingers. 

Carefully she shifted to the edge of the bed and slipped off, not bothering with her slippers, and padded out of the room on careful steps. Liu Qingge didn’t stir. 

The night air was so warm, it was like the most comforting of embraces. Shen Jiu couldn’t help but feel her shoulders relax as she left the main house to pull out a floor cushion so she could sit on the terrace. The view looked out over shadowy tea farms, vast rolling hills, infinite green rows. The humidity makes her face feel sticky even at night. During the day it was almost oppressive, everytime she breathed in it was like inhaling steam. 

She had never thought she would love the heat so much. She had never been anywhere so hot before. The kind of heat that made you forget what it ever felt like to be cold. To wish to be cold. 

Shen Jiu crossed her legs loosely. The moonlight was shockingly bright. She had never seen such a huge moon before, low and round and yellow, caressing the landscape with long white fingers. 

They were staying in one of Liu Qingge’s Uncles’ holiday houses. A sweet one story structure built amongst the tea fields so the air was fragrant no matter the time of day or night. Shen Jiu preferred it to anything larger or more ostentatious. Even now the looming walls of the Liu estate made her heart rabbit no matter how stupid that reaction was. 

The Uncle was away right now, chasing adventure somewhere else, and they’d been given free reign in his absence. Since it was meant as a holiday abode for an unfussy single man there were no permanent servants. Instead a few members of the local village were paid to come and check on the property once every few weeks when he was away. 

It was the most privacy Shen Jiu thought she had ever been afforded. Apart from Liu Qingge she was entirely alone. The night felt clear and full of potential, a haze lifting off the future and allowing her to germinate a tentative yet terrifying optimism in her heart. She savoured it, letting the feeling roll over her tongue, leaving a sticky residue in its wake. 

As she sat outside the sky turned pink and orange streaked as sunlight chased itself over the landscape. A new day. Shen Jiu drew her knees up and rested her cheek against them, her mind quiet for once. She hadn’t thought of anything beyond the superficial for many shichen. It was wonderful. 

Liu Qingge came out quickly after the sun had risen, fully dressed and washed with his usual clear energy for the day ahead hanging over him.

“Hey.” He sat down next to her, not bothering with the floor cushions, “When did you wake up?”

Shen Jiu hadn’t slept. 

“A while ago.” She answers, “It was too hot.”

Liu Qingge frowns, “We can open the screen doors tonight so there’s more of a breeze.”

The stale air wasn’t it. Shen Jiu had stayed awake to savour the heat, not to spite it. 

“It’s alright.” She finally felt heavy-eyed, “I think I’ll go nap now.”

“Okay.” Liu Qingge stands, “I was going to go to the village to get some food, is there anything in particular you want?

“The pink fruits from yesterday if they have any.”

“I’ll get them.” Liu Qingge promised and when he left, walking down the path from the house to the main road, Shen Jiu watched him go until he was a small speck turning the bend before she returned to the bedroom. 

Liu Qingge had opened the windows and allowed the fresh air to circulate in. Shen Jiu kept it that way but closed the curtains. They billowed beautifully in the early morning breeze and when she lay down she turned on her side so she could watch the undulating dance they performed. 

Eventually her eyes closed and she turned the other way, pulling Liu Qingge’s pillow into her arms for something to wrap herself around. She slept easily after that. 

*

When Shen Jiu woke the room was still bright and she felt well-rested with a dry mouth and dreams she couldn’t remember. She squirmed under the sheet, rubbing her cheek against the pillow and luxuriating in stretching her arms and legs. Finally she settled on her back, looking up at the wooden ceiling dappled with sunlight. 

Liu Qingge coming back was the only reason she got out of bed. She likely could have stayed lying down, he wouldn’t have minded, but she was hungry. 

“Sleep well?” He asked when she emerged from the bedroom. 

“Mm.” She sat down opposite him at the table and took the fruits he offered her, peeling and giving him half an orange before picking up a knife to slice open the melon. 

“Thanks.” He takes the slice of melon she offers him and when she gets up to heat some water to make tea she sees him perk up predictably. 

The local tea here is light and fragrant, young leaves freshly picked at the spring of life. Liu Qingge likes it a lot and Shen Jiu thinks she does too. 

The ocean, this tea, the heat, long walks with no real destination, late night meals cooked over campfires, freshly roasted fish, Liu Qingge’s smile when she manages to land a hit on him in their play-spars. A small slice of the newly discovered things that she likes. 

“Do you want to walk to the lake later?” Liu Qingge asks, taking a sip of his fresh cup of tea. “It’ll be less hot after midday.”

“Alright.” Shen Jiu chewed on her fruit, letting the juice dry sticky on her fingers. “Qingge…”

“Mm?”

“Can we go swimming?”

They’d walked to the lake a few days ago but there had already been people in the water so they hadn’t joined.

“If there’s no one else there.”

Shen Jiu thinks of the secluded cove on his family’s property on the coast. He’d taught her to swim in that water, holding her hands and walking her in. Letting her stand on his feet until she acclimated to floating and kicking. 

Learning to swim had been a revelation. 

Qiu Jianluo had thrown her in the pond in the garden once. She had kicked and screamed and swallowed far too much murky water. She would have drowned if he hadn’t sent someone to fish her out. Later he’d told Haitang that she’d been clumsy and tripped so it was lucky that he was walking past and could save her life. Haitang had gasped and clung to her brother, telling him how amazing and wonderful he was. 

Shen Jiu’s throat had been aching from having to throw up water, she was shivering mutinously from the chill that had seeped into her bones and she hated him so much. She still hates him. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to stop even if they never cross paths again. 

But the idea that she is now able to swim, that even if someone did throw her in water again she would survive, is somewhat astonishing. 

“I hope we’re the only ones.” She takes another bite of fruit. 

“If you like swimming so much we should do it more.” Liu Qingge finishes his cup so she pours him more. “We have a bathing pond at the main summer estate.”

Shen Jiu doesn’t know how she feels about swimming in front of anyone but Liu Qingge. It feels like a very vulnerable activity to be stripped down and thrashing about with soggy hair and a complete lack of propriety. 

“I think I’d prefer it if it were only the two of us.” And when she sets down the teapot she finds her hand caught by Liu Qingge. His expression is soft and he curls their fingers together like she’s said something romantic. 

“Alright.” He rubs his thumb on the back of her hand. 

It’s a caretaking instinct she thinks. Liu Qingge is so strong he doesn’t mind other people being weak. Or something like that. He’s taken by feminine vulnerability in a way that doesn’t kill her to perform. In a way that makes sense. He doesn’t force her to extremes of emotion to laugh in her face. If she cried he would try to help her. He has tried to help her. Weakness is a good thing in front of him. A necessary thing when carefully rationed so it means more. 

They spend the time until their walk in quiet companionship. Shen Qingqiu responds to letters, replying to Qingge’s grandparents’ questions about their travels and Mingyan’s queries on when they’ll come home. Soon she thinks, though she’ll miss the heat when they head back North. She’ll even miss the sweat and the way her hair never lies flat. 

Once the sun begins to dip they head out. Shen Jiu wears a large straw hat to stop herself from burning and forces Liu Qingge to do the same. They hold hands when they leave before letting go and coming back together again. Talking and drifting in and out of reach as they walk. 

Liu Qingge doesn’t talk about anything in particular. It’s easy and superficial chit chat of the type Shen Jiu prefers. She can answer mindlessly without concern about Liu Qingge taking offence and commanding her to look him in the eye when she speaks. 

“Look.” Liu Qingge suddenly grabs her hand, squeezing tight, “A rabbit.”

Shen Jiu looks in the direction he’s pointing, “Where?”

“There, right next to the bush. Do you see it?”

Shen Jiu squints and then she does. It’s small and trembling slightly, mouth moving. 

Shen Jiu as a rule doesn’t like small animals very much, she’s never had an affinity for dogs or cats or rabbits, but Liu Qingge is under some kind of impression that she does and therefore always makes sure to point them out for her approval. It’s meant to be feminine she thinks, liking small fluffy things, and Liu Qingge obviously sees her as that kind of woman. Isn’t that a good thing?

“See it?”

“Mm.”

They stand and watch the rabbit a little longer before moving on. 

It doesn’t take much longer for them to reach the lake and when they do it’s thankfully deserted. Shen Jiu takes out their picnic blanket and spreads it out while Liu Qingge walks off, marking a rough perimeter as if scouting the area before returning. Another soldiders’ instinct? It reminds her more of a cat and the way they’ll walk a circle around an area before finally lying down. 

“No one here.” Liu Qingge confirms when he returns, “Want to swim?”

She nods and takes his shed outer robe to fold carefully, giving herself time to wait for Liu Qingge to get into the water before she has to undress and follow. It’s too bright outside and feels too open. She wanted to swim but somehow the cove had felt more enclosed. This was a stupid idea. She doesn’t want to be here anymore.

“A-Jiu.” Liu Qingge calls from the water, “Coming?”

She takes a deep breath and slides her outer robe off her shoulders. She doesn’t fold it as neatly as she does his and when she turns unfortunately Liu Qingge is watching her. 

Why does the walk to the water feel so far? The sand is rough on her bare feet. Her inner robes feel too thin. The sun is too bright. By the time she reaches the water she all but throws herself under its heavy cover, hiding for that brief weightless moment before she has to surface for air. 

“The water is great.” Liu Qingge says, looking stately even when drenched.

She nods and kicks gently to push herself into slightly deeper water. She can still stand if needed but can also draw up her legs and float. It’s sunny and hot but the water is cool. The air smells fresh, fragrant and clarifying. 

Shen Jiu ducks her head under the water and opens her eyes. 

*

It happened in the water. 

Shen Jiu is lying in bed staring at the curtains. It’s silent outside save for the sound of insects and distant frogs. Liu Qingge is snoring a few snuffling sounds while lying on his back. Shen Jiu doesn’t mind the noise. In fact she might even like it. Liu Qingge is alive and obviously asleep. She can lie awake more loudly than usual. 

There’s a sharpness to tonight’s air under the warm padding that nips at her bare foot where it peeks out from the blanket. She tucks it back closer to her body, pressing it against her calf to warm up. 

Today when they were swimming she had splashed Qingge and he had retaliated and the two of them had devolved into a rolling wrestle in the water. Lots of shrieking and accusations and general underhanded tricks as they attempted to drown each other. Shen Jiu hadn’t smiled so wide in a long time. 

And then Qingge had grabbed her ankle and yanked her closer and when she tried to hit him he had held her wrists and they had been so close, bare cun apart so she could taste his breath, and she had felt something foreign in the pit of her stomach. Nerves but no anxiety attached. Something warm that made her squirm in his grasp to get free. 

They’d passed the rest of the day without awkwardness but now, lying in bed, Shen Jiu can only remember that moment. It lights up her mind on a loop: Qingge’s touch, his damp hair, his face so close to hers, his mouth, his panting, his smile, the smell of his wet skin, the way their bare flesh slid against each other. 

She closes her eyes and presses her face to her pillow. 

It's not bad. The moment wasn’t unpleasant and remembering it isn’t unpleasant. It’s just… strange. 

She turns over onto her other side so she’s facing Qingge and stares at his face in profile. His chest rises and falls and she creeps closer, her hand edging over the sheets, so she can almost brush his arm with her fingertips. 

What am I doing? She wonders, a knot in her chest. 

She wants to be close to him. Closer than sharing a bed and talking everyday and being married. Closer than anyone else is and has the right to be. Liu Qingge isn’t the person she’s meant to be possessive over. She never used to be. Not like this. 

If she wakes him up then she’ll have to explain why she has and she doesn’t know. If she wakes him up and tells him she wants to be closer and isn’t able to explain why then what’s the point? 

Shen Jiu gets up out of bed and leaves the room, back out to the terrace. She’s a little tired but feels restless and too distracted by Liu Qingge next to her to sleep. The night air is still. She closes her eyes and the warm breeze caresses her face. 

Somehow she finds tears gathering for no real reason. She’s not upset or tired or in pain. She’s just… teary. How silly. She’s not even close to her cycle let alone anything more redeeming. 

Shen Jiu sniffles but the sharp burn in her nose doesn’t dissipate. A few tears edge their way out of her eyes and one splashes into her lap leaving an uneven stain in her clothing. Why is she crying? It’s so stupid. There’s no reason for her to cry. 

She takes a deep breath through her nose and a few more tears drop before that seems to be the end of it. 

“A-Jiu?”

Shit! Why is he awake? Shen Jiu scrubs at her face with her hands as best she can and hopes it's too dark for him to notice her puffy eyes. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” He asks.

“Mm.”

He sits down next to her, rolling his neck, “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“I’m not tired.” Her voice comes out a little scratchy, “The moon is so bright.”

“Yeah it is.” When he reaches out an arm she leans over and tucks herself into him easily. Less chance of him seeing her face this way. 

They don’t have to talk like this either. They just have to sit together and look up at the bright moon. Sitting with his arm around her like this she feels very… sheltered. Her nose begins to burn again. Stupid. 

When she sniffles Liu Qigge looks at her. 

“Okay?” He asks. 

“Fine. Just breathed in dust.”

He hums in acknowledgement. 

“Qingge…” She trails off because she doesn’t know what to say. 

She’s not sure she wants intimacy of the kind that is typical for married couples and that’s what makes Liu Qingge so special and precious; that he doesn’t seem to care either. But she wants a measure of softer feelings, a breed of late night water-logged emotion that seems hard to reach without some kind of physical catharsis. Like when they play-fight and he holds her afterwards when her heart is pounding with adrenaline and victory. The smell of sweat on each others’ skin. Is there a name for it? 

“Yeah?” He responds. 

Maybe Shen Jiu is an insane masochist because she knows where this will inevitably lead. Or maybe she’s very very brave the way Qingge had told her and she’d never forgotten. 

She leans up, tilting her head, “Kiss me.”

He does. 

They haven’t kissed in a long time. Maybe this is what was missing from their companionship though it wasn’t something she craved or could even confidently say she liked. Shen Jiu feels too aware of the sensations, too aware of the slick heat of his mouth and the rise and fall of both of their chests. It’s too much. 

She struggles with the feeling and pushes it down, leaning in further and forcing herself to go along with it. Like swimming this will soon become achievable. It will astonish her. She’ll look back with pride. Learning to kiss her husband and endure more gracefully. It’ll be good. 

Liu Qingge has wrapped his arms around her, hands on her back like a hug. Maybe this is the closeness she was looking for. 

So they kiss. 

It feels a little drawn out eventually; what are they still doing this for? Shen Jiu’s mouth feels tender and over-boiled. It stings slightly. 

They draw back and look at each other. Qingge’s lips are swollen. His face is flushed. Shen Jiu likes him so much she doesn’t know when her gratitude ends and that particular feeling begins. She just likes him. Like an extension of herself, an extra limb. After all, she’s never felt as in control of her own body as after she became attached to his. 

“You’re beautiful.” He tells her.

It’s the highest compliment he can bestow. The one he reserves for these special heightened moments. From Liu Qingge “you’re beautiful” is benediction. It encompasses more than looks; it encompasses the entirety of his ability to feel. The only compliment he knows.

She smiles in response, the way she knows he likes, and is vindicated by how taken by the expression he seems. She wants to go a step further now that this one is so surmountable. Liu Qingge can kiss her whenever he likes, it’s almost too easy. 

“Do you want to have children?” She asks, a code for marital intimacy they’ve developed. They’ve only tried less than a handful of times as a necessary evil and she hasn’t fallen pregnant yet. It worries her all the more as her fear of Qingge demanding fades. A tipping scale of suffering that unfortunately never evens out. 

Surprisingly Qingge’s face does something complicated. 

“We could just do this.” His hand migrates from her back to her face, “We don’t have to do anything else.”

Shen Jiu is surprised. He’s never not wanted to before. Where has there ever been a man that does not want to? Even Qingge, who never asks, always accepts when it's offered. 

She proceeds delicately, “Are you not in the right mood?” She asks, pitching her voice soft and reaching out to stroke the back of his hand where it’s cupping her cheek. 

“It’s just,” He pauses, “There’s no need for us to have children so soon. Or ever.”

Shen Jiu frowns, “What do you mean, ever?”

“If it doesn’t happen then that’s fine.”

It’s not fine. If it’s not her birthing Liu heirs it’ll be someone else. As casual and close as the family seems they’re still human. Nobles even. Liu Qingge has a bloodline that can be traced back cleanly for generations. First born. Male. The right lineage. Who would accept that being chopped off because he was drugged at some stupid Imperial event and ended up with an interloper who is unable to fulfil the most basic of filial duties? 

Shen Jiu doesn’t even want children. But it’s not about that. It’s not about what she wants. It’s not even about what Liu Qingge wants. It’s about larger ideals: filial respect and family duty and responsibility. Things that she knows matter enough to people who matter to him that they can’t be ignored. 

Shen Jiu swallows and keeps her voice even and soft, allowing enough emotion so her breath hitches but not enough that she’ll start screaming, “Qingge… I don’t want to share you with anyone else. And I know children are important to your family, to every family, they’re a blessing. I want to have children with you and I also don’t want…” She looks away, “You to have them with anyone else.”

“I wouldn’t.”

In moments like this she hates him. Hates him for all the reasons that she likes him. 

“I want to have your children.” She insists, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She leans up and they kiss again. It’s warm and wet. 

“Will you?” She asks. 

Qingge still hesitates, turning something over in his mind. She doesn’t know what it is which worries her. What is he thinking that she can’t understand? She thought there was nothing that she couldn’t tell. His mind has never suddenly seemed so opaque to her, it sends a cold chill down her back that only his arms can keep at bay. 

“It hurts you.” He finally says, “I don’t like hurting you.”

Astonishing. Strange. Unpredictable. Is that what he’s worried about?

“It always hurts women.” Shen Jiu says. She refrains from saying that the more it hurts is directly proportional to a woman’s perceived morality. Isn’t that the common teaching? Or maybe that’s just what she’s been told. She logically knows not every woman is in pain during the act, but displaying too much pleasure… isn’t that a one way road to obscenity and censure? 

“Not always. Not that much.” Liu Qingge seems to consider it carefully, “The first time.” He says with gravitas, “But not every time.”

Shen Jiu’s “first time” with Liu Qingge was on their wedding night. Then her second and third time in the army encampment. And then a stuttering fourth time in that coastal estate one balmy night. Their primary purpose had been children. The timing was never perfect. Liu Qingge still always finished easily enough. 

Her wedding night hurt like it was supposed to. Subsequent bouts of pain were expected. Liu Qingge was a good man who needed a good wife who would dutifully bear pain for his pleasure. 

“It’s not too bad.” Shen Jiu assured him though it was always horrific. “I don’t mind.”

Liu Qingge seemed conflicted. It was clear it wasn’t that he didn’t want it. He just cared about other things more because he was that kind of person. 

“It shouldn’t hurt that badly.” He tried again. 

“It doesn’t.”

She needed to hide the pain better lest he never lie with her again. Stupid. His sudden concern was just making her life harder. 

“We don’t need to worry about children.” He insisted.

Shen Jiu leaned further into him, “I want to.” She kissed his jaw. 

That thankfully seemed to do it. 

This time when they kissed there was purpose to it. Together her inner robes were shifted and he lined himself up. They’d gotten better at this part at least. 

Shen Jiu made sure to keep her grip light and very carefully angled her face away. It hurt but it was supposed to. There was no way around it. It just hurt. It had always hurt and would always hurt. Pain was part and parcel to the experience. At least if she was in pain it meant she wasn’t numb and bleeding out. 

“Okay?” He asked. 

“Mm, it’s okay.”

“Is it painful?”

Why was he asking so many times? It was annoying now. 

“It’s fine.” Shen Jiu said more shortly than she intended to. She lost her careful grip and her nails dug into his shoulders. 

“A-Jiu-”

“It’s fine.” She repeated. 

Liu Qingge pulled out and away. 

“Qingge!”

“It was painful.” He frowned at her where he was leaning over her, eyebrows tilted prettily so the expression made him look strangely sweet. 

“It wasn’t bad.” She protested. “Qingge.” She tried to beseech but couldn’t do it well enough judging by the way he moved back even further. “Maybe if we went slower.” She tried to find a point of compromise. “Qingge.” Some of her genuine upset bled into her voice, her real panic, “Please. I don’t want us not to be able to.”

“Hey,” Caught by the fishhook of her pain he came back, hand cupping her face, “A-Jiu, it’s okay.”

She shook her head, “I want us to be together.” Truth. 

“We are.” Qingge frowned, “Maybe there’s… when we get home I can speak to my-”

“No!” Shen Jiu grabbed his shoulder, “Don’t tell anyone!”

“But-”

“It’s embarrassing.” She said instead of telling him it was horrific and would kill her. 

“I won’t.” He promised, “But it’s not your fault. I think I need to learn how to do it better.”

Shen Jiu should be able to believe that this is an achievable goal, after all what can’t her husband do? He’s managed to engender warm feelings in a cold fish like her after all, shouldn’t he be considered a miracle-worker for that? 

But she can’t believe it. She needs to give him something else tonight that will cover up this awful moment.

“Do you want me to…” She trails off leadingly though she doesn’t want to follow through. 

He kisses her. So it must have worked. Good. It’s good. 

The kisses persist, turning into caresses over her face and shoulders. His steady hands found purchase on her biceps. Her sleep clothes are thin, she can feel the warmth of his palms through them, and the outer robe is sliding down her arms. The fabric slips off and is lost. He keeps kissing her. 

Shen Jiu winds her arms around his neck. Her collar is gaping open. Somehow his hand finds a bare space of skin there and he strokes his thumb back and forth. Upper chest, lower neck. It feels like a good focal point. Every moment he’s touching her like this is a moment she doesn’t have to touch him. 

“Can I?” His voice is very hoarse. 

Shen Jiu doesn’t know what he wants but she wants and needs to give it to him regardless. 

When he slides open her clothing so her chest is exposed it feels both expected and not. 

Nudity is not something Shen Jiu enjoys in any context. She’s never seen Liu Qingge entirely unclothed and the reverse is the same. She naively thought he wasn’t interested. Looking back she feels very stupid. 

His touch is very light on her breasts, a little hesitant. “Tell me if I do something wrong.”

She nods and has no idea of what he’s going to do. 

He then ducks his head and kisses her, right there on her chest!

“Qingge!” She can’t help it. No one’s ever done this before. She thought she understood relations between men and women; all the torturous penetration and play. She never could imagine someone would kiss her there. 

“Is it bad?”

It doesn’t feel like much. A little ticklish maybe. 

“You can do it if you want.” She can feel herself flushing. Being so naked is horrible. At least it’s only Qingge. He’d been a virgin before her and so has no one and nothing to compare her too. She often thinks about how much grace that must buy her. 

He kisses her again, long and lingering, on the sensitive underside of her breast where the skin is thin and the flesh pillowy. Then moving up, another kiss brushes her nipple. Then another and another.

Shen Jiu can’t close her eyes. Her gaze remains fixed to the top of her husband’s head, the profile of his face as he treats her body more delicately than she does. Than anyone but Yue Qi ever has. 

The sensation smooths from something ticklish into something less abrasive. Syrupy. He’s still holding her and that feels nice. The kisses don’t hurt at least. If this is all he wants, Shen Jiu can relax and allow it. 

Liu Qingge spends more time on her breasts than she really thinks is necessary. What else is there to do with them? But he kisses and caresses her endlessly. It’s… nice. At a certain point something in her gives way and it becomes pleasant. 

“We should go inside.” She murmurs, “To bed.”

Qingge nods and picks her up, something that she reluctantly likes and therefore endures with only a little complaint, to carry her inside. 

“Do you feel good?” He asks, setting her down on the bed, face earnest and serious in the moonlight.

“Mm.” She nods and he smiles.

“Good.” He comes in after her and they kiss easily, practice making perfect. 

She’s naked from the waist up and her nipples feel stiff and sensitive. Her body is shying away from itself. 

“We can just do this tonight.” He tells her, “I like touching you.”

She hesitates, unsure. 

“Please.” He kisses her again and his shockingly gentle touch finds her breast and squeezes. It’s not sophisticated but there’s real care in the gesture that Shen Jiu wants to believe in. She’s always been foolish that way. 

“If you like it.” She compromises.

So they end up like that, in bed under the sheets together with their swollen lips and her love bitten skin. 

*

It’s awkward the next morning in a way that fucking isn’t. The mornings after they fuck Shen Jiu doesn’t usually feel anything at all. A little sore perhaps but since Qingge is always easy and affectionate as always the shame and nausea are kept at bay. 

Today she feels shy in the sunlight, remembering his lips on her nipples and hands on her face. She keeps flushing and reminding herself. There’s something personal about it that isn’t present in penetration when she can look away and disconnect herself from that part of her body. Dead below the waist. Cold fish. Frigid bitch. 

It becomes apparent quickly that the morning sun was a ruse and by early afternoon rain is coming down in thick sheets. She and Qingge have no choice but to hide inside. Together. 

Being in such close proximity doesn’t help. Her nipples are sore. When she changed in the morning she found a pink bruise on the top of her left breast left by his mouth. Does last night count as her performing her marital duties? It doesn’t feel like it, after all she gave up nothing of significance. Did he really enjoy it?

Shen Jiu darts a glance at Qingge where he’s sitting frowning over a book. 

She looks away back to her own novel and then, drawn almost unwillingly by a force beyond her control, she looks back at him and then away again. She can’t help it. She’s never felt so taken by him. If he wanted to do it again… She’d say yes of course. She would never say no to anything he wanted to do. 

That squirming sensation is back. It’s heavy in her stomach. Distracting. She can’t even hide herself in fiction. Her own mind is failing her which isn’t a surprise.  

“Hungry?” Qingge suddenly asks. 

It startles her more than it should. 

“No.”

“Alright.” He gets up. She’s not looking directly but can feel him move, the shift in the air that signals him leaving the room. 

She exhales, maybe in relief or something else. Disappointment? She’s not afraid of Qingge so she’s not relieved he’s gone. That would be stupid. He’s just distracting today. She’s distracted thinking about last night. There had been no purpose to it, he hadn’t even finished. He’d just kissed her until she felt watery before they fell asleep in each other's arms. Her heart beats faster just thinking about it. 

Will he want to do it again tonight? 

The afternoon is agonising the way it drags on. Shen Jiu is paradoxically too full of feeling to eat and too confused by her own body to settle. She can’t distract herself and every time Qingge brushes past she startles almost out of her skin. 

“Hey.” It’s over dinner that he finally addresses it, “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been jumpy today.”

Shen Jiu should have prepared for the question but stupidly she hadn’t and now she’s adrift at sea with no life raft.

“Is it the rain?” He asks when she doesn’t answer for too long. 

She shakes her head. With Qingge she’s allowed to play this stupid game where she doesn’t speak and he tries to guess. 

“You didn’t eat much today.” He pushes her bowl closer to her, “Are you getting sick?”

“No. I feel fine.”

He frowns, considering. 

“I’m fine.” She repeats. 

“Is it last night?” Qingge is bullish when he says it, like he’s battering down an internal wall to speak openly, “If you didn’t like it tell me. We don’t have to do it again.” His cheeks are bright red and he looks much younger than usual, embarrassment de-aging him. 

Shen Jiu’s mouth is dry. She swallows. She shakes her head. 

“We can do it again.” She says and then quickly moves on, “Did you like it?” Everything she knows about men and what they like doesn’t extend to last night. It doesn’t fit into her understanding of the world and her place in it, so she’s curious despite everything. 

“I liked it.” Qingge is sincere, “You’re beautiful.”

The compliment renders her incapable of thought for a second. A white hot emotion pours over her, glazing her thoughts in a slippery sheen. 

Will he touch her again tonight? She wants him too. Like swimming there’s a novelty to this painless activity that satisfies both of them. They should do it again and again. It’s uncharted territory in the way precious few things are. 

“The weather is awful.” She changes the subject while unable to engage with what he’s said, leaning across the table to pour him a fresh cup of tea, “We should retire early so as not to waste all the candles.”

“Alright.” When she sets the pot down he takes her free hand and smiles at her. 

Something small and scared inside of her trembles; fear. Maybe hope. 

*

She doesn’t bother to dress properly for sleep tonight so they fall into bed with a little less fumbling than usual. Qingge immediately kisses her lips and then her cheek and neck. She tries to reciprocate and stroke her hands up and down his arms and back. His hair is soft and silky. She’d brushed it for him this morning and savours the warm weight shifting against her skin. When it’s down he looks soft, less severe and angular. 

When she’d seen him properly the first time, through the red haze of the veil on her wedding day, she had been too numb to be terrified though she had been terrified. Her husband was tall and well built, scowling and serious, and terrifyingly quiet. 

She had held her tongue, waiting to see what he would do, and their relationship had settled into silence. Married to silence. Living within the four comfortable walls of Liu Qingge’s chambers in silence. 

Shen Jiu doesn’t want to remember those first weeks. She clutches Liu Qingge harder and reminds herself of the tea fields beyond the fluttering curtains, the expanse of the wider world and beyond laid out for her. 

Her husband had shown her the ocean. 

“Okay?” Liu Qingge asks her. 

“Yes.” She breathes into the skin of his neck. “It’s good.”

It’s distracting at least. No one has ever held her like this; so softly with a gentle hand in her hair and warm lips on her chest. She’s never been so naked with such minimal expectations before. Shen Jiu has to wonder if all women feel this way; she used to think so until she married. Then after, when watching the way Liu Qingge’s grandparents interacted she doubted his grandmother spent her days wondering how to keep her husband treating her kindly. 

Of course Shen Jiu was an entirely different type of woman than Lady Liu, almost a different species of animal entirely, and she couldn’t expect to approach the world and be treated the same. 

Shen Jiu was a married woman where she had once been told she was barely fit to work in a whorehouse. Couldn’t that be considered more than good enough?

Liu Qingge’s teeth graze her jaw. It’s ticklish. Then he moves lower. He’s bolder tonight than last night, still exploratory but with an increasing familiarity that means his mouth finds her nipple quickly. Shen Jiu can’t help her small shriek, the way she scrabbles at the sheets. It’s shocking. 

“Painful?” He asks. 

“No!” 

He needs to stop asking. She can’t answer, she doesn’t have the words. 

His hands have found her waist, rubbing up and down as if to soothe them both as he continues to kiss her. She can’t stand it. It’s different from her slow acclimatisation last night. Last night every brush of skin was a revelation and she didn’t have the headspace to feel it while she was too busy marvelling. Now it’s too much. Too personal. It’s too intimate and they’re all alone in the middle of nowhere and if he wanted to do this all night who would interrupt or stop them? It’s dangerous. Dangerous with no excuses nor avenues for distraction. 

All Shen Jiu has is herself. It’s white hot. Fear? Yes. No. Does it hurt? No. Yes. She wants to scream. 

His tongue caresses her belly button. Her robes are tangled around her legs. She can’t hold still. 

When his hand touches her clothed thigh it tips her over and she shoves him away, panting. 

Liu Qingge goes easily, eyes wide and face flushed. 

“Hurts?” He asks. 

“No.” Her heart is going so fast she thinks she might collapse. Her husband is overdressed. It’s wildly unfair. 

She feels loose and aggressive. She can’t have him touch her anymore, she’ll lose her mind. 

“A-Jiu-”

She tackles him back onto the sheets, connecting their mouths and pushing his own robes off his shoulders so they can be similarly undressed. If he can kiss her like that she can do the same. See how he likes it. 

What is she doing? 

She kisses his neck. It tastes like skin, like pressing her lips to the back of her own hand. Unthreatening. The next kiss is to his chest. And another and another. Qingge’s hands grip her arms, tight but flexible, not trying to hold her in place. 

“Do you like this?” She asks, far more aggressively than she should. She needs to watch herself. 

He nods, throat bobbing as he swallows, “Yes.”

Her stupid simple husband who knows so much less than her. Her heart is watery-soft. 

When she bites his neck he doesn’t protest, doesn’t even try to stop her from marking him up. 

Shen Jiu has only been drunk once before and it had been one of the worst nights of her life. But the loss of control of her limbs, the inability to stop herself from flailing and talking and stumbling, it feels the much the same. Such awful self-control. 

When she sucks a dark bruise into his clavicle he couldn’t have stopped her if he tried. 

*

Shen Jiu has always known there was something wrong with her. From childhood to present there’s something that marks her as different. Deficient. Unable to conform to the rules of polite society. There’s something inside of her, visible to others, that marks her apart. 

She’s vacillated about believing it when those purporting to be able to tell were the people she hated most in the world. Even if they were right she was spiteful enough to give them no grace. 

And then married to Liu Qingge as his quiet wife she thinks she’d somehow inadvertently managed to fashion a new self far from who she used to be. He treats her so softly, so gently, that surely her expression doesn’t ask for abuse the way she’s been accused of. If he’s kind to her it means everyone else is wrong and she doesn’t deserve it. 

But Shen Jiu still knows herself too well to dismiss the assessment and that’s especially true in moments like this. 

The bruise she left on Qingge’s neck has purpled beautifully overnight. She might as well have written her name on his cheek. There’s a sensation she recognsing in her stomach as giddiness. The way she felt when Qiu Jianluo announced he would be leaving the estate on business for months. The way she felt when Yue Qi kissed her. The way she feels looking at Liu Qingge. 

Ownership is new for her. She’s never been able to own anyone else before though she has intimate experience with the reverse. However this morning; with her marks all over him, reddening under his clothes, blooming over his neck, across his jaw…Perfect teeth shaped crescents for her to refit her mouth over. She’s staring but she can’t help it. She’s sick and can’t help it. 

He’s affectionate too like he doesn’t care about the way she had mauled him. This morning it’s raining again and they’re sitting on the terrace together, hiding under the awning, and watching the rain. He has his arm around her and she feels an uncontrollable animal desire to be close to him in turn. She can’t stop touching him, smoothing his clothing, brushing his hair back, touching him as though stopping for just a moment will cut their new physical connection and let the past crowd back in. 

Her head is pleasantly blank. The rain is endless. She hopes it keeps them trapped here forever. In this strange place where she can own her husband as thoroughly as he is meant to own her. 

“What do you want to eat for lunch?” He asks. 

Neither of them are exemplary cooks but thankfully with warm weather and good provisions within reach they don’t have to be. 

“Do we have any dried meat left?” She asks. 

“Yeah, and rice.”

“Then we can have that. And some of the vegetables you bought two days ago.”

“If it wasn’t raining we could buy more fruit.”

Shen Jiu is fairly voracious when it comes to fruit. It’s always her fault that’s the first provision to go. In her defence it would go bad if left too long.

“We still have soup.” She leans into him, canting her head to look at his face. 

What they’ve been doing can’t count as sex. Biting and kissing each other above the waist isn’t sex. It’s sexual in a fashion she’s finding challenging to put into words, but it’s still not sex in any way that matters. However, even if that’s true it’s obviously doing something inexplicable to her mind because she can’t stop her attention from being drawn to her husband. Even if she tried to ignore him it would be impossible. 

Their eyes meet and she knows what he’s going to do before he does it, so obviously she closes her eyes and tilts her face invitingly. 

The kiss is a familiar starter but she wants to move faster than their snails pace. They’ve already done this first part enough times to get good at it, she wants to smooth over the other acts the same way. It won’t hurt this time, she’s sure of it with a wild confidence that has her gripping the back of his neck. 

Liu Qingge leans back on his elbows so she can climb on top of him and press him into the wooden floor of the terrace. The rain is only getting more intense and there’s a chill in the wind, water splashing so droplets shower her robes and make the fabric cling to her skin. 

“Inside?” He asks. 

“Mm.” But she doesn’t move. 

“We could stay out here.” He cups her cheek, “If you want.”

“We should go inside.” She agrees but once again doesn’t try to move. 

They stare at each other for a period, stuck, and then he grins and laughs. “Inside or not? Your choice.”

“You choose.” She throws it back. 

“Inside.” He decides, “The rain’s getting heavier, we’ll get wet out here.”

“Fine.” She waits for him to pick her up and is gratified when he does. Unfortunately her skirt gets caught on the edge of a loose floorboard which means it rips when he hefts her into his arms. 

“What was that?” He asks at the same time she exclaims. 

“My skirt!”

Liu Qingge shifts to the side, trying to see the problem, and Shen Jiu squirms in his arms to get down and assess the damage which means they stumble as one and he half drops her. 

“Qingge!”

“Sorry!”

What a mess. Shen Jiu can’t help but make an irritated sound at the state of her skirt. She’ll have to mend it now. 

“How did that happen?” He looks genuinely confused. 

“My skirt got caught on something.” 

She wants to snap at him but restrains herself, and like she’s gotten very good at over the course of her life, counts backwards in her head until there’s no more danger of her reacting. 

“Oh.” He frowns, “Is it fixable?”

“Yes.” She tugs the fabric loose from where it’s been caught and gathers it up.

“That’s good.” Qingge shifts awkwardly. 

It is awkward the way their intimacy had been ruined by such a stupid thing but Shen Jiu isn’t in the same mood anymore and finds it foreign to walk up and kiss him like they can just dive right back into it. 

“I’m hungry.” She finally decides to say.

“I’ll get something together.” He shifts, lingering.

Shen Jiu finally stands back up, “Mm, I’ll make tea.”

He smiles at her for that, small but very familiar, and she can’t be too angry anymore. That’s what she tells herself. 

*

They don’t fall into bed tonight. They lie down like civilised people. Shen Jiu isn’t sure if she wants to do anything. On one hand she feels like if she doesn’t it’ll be a lost opportunity in this special place where things seem to work differently than in the real world. On the other hand she can’t summon the same wild careening emotions that drove her the past few days. That warmth in her stomach feels dead tonight. 

She and Qingge lie down facing each other. She tucks her hands under her cheek. 

“If it stops raining by tomorrow we can get moving.” He says. “It’ll take a month from here back to the estate if we take our time.”

Shen Jiu doesn’t know if she wants to leave or stay.

“If it keeps raining?” She asks. 

“We can’t travel in the rain.” He makes a face. “So we’ll stay until it stops.”

“Okay.”

There’s not much for them to talk about. Liu Qingge’s never been good at talking anyway. It’s something she likes about him. 

Unfortunately in moments like this it means they aren’t able to do much more than stare at each other. Shen Jiu breaks her gaze and stares at his shoulder instead. He’s so familiar to her she should be able to draw him flawlessly by memory alone. Why is she so satisfied and yet so restless? Why does she want to push more from a union that’s more than she had ever expected or deserved? She should play it safe, why is she unable to? Perpetually unable to follow her own good advice. 

“A-Jiu.” Liu Qingge’s hand reaches for hers and laces their fingers together, “Are you tired?”

Shen Jiu drags her gaze back to his face. “No.” She answers. Her heart swoops to rest between her knees. She shouldn’t have said that. She wants to go outside into the rain and run laps around the house until her head is empty. 

She wants him to put his hands back on her but properly. Not the playacting they’ve been doing the past few days. Something real. Something to chew on that she can take with the gravitas she’s meant to. No more of the empty honey-headed insanity of the past few days. She needs to get back to herself. 

“Qingge, I want you.” She presses their lips together and coaxes him to put his hand on her hip. 

Her earlier optimism insisting she was in the midst of blooming open is gone and all that’s left is resignation. Why can’t Qingge conquer her stupid disobedient body the way he does everything else? Is she so wrong for no longer wanting to be a virtuous woman who endures?

She fits her lips over that purple bruise on his jaw and spreads her legs. He doesn’t question her this time at least, no more inquiries and carefully worded questions. The key to unlocking his reticence seems to be a few nights of careful kissing and cuddling, she’ll note that for future. 

Now he rolls her onto her back and grabs her breasts like he’s entitled, so different from the nerves of only two days ago. 

Shen Jiu finds her own hands fisted in his hair, tugging far tighter than she should. But he doesn’t fight back, he just touches her more surely as if her forcefulness is granting a form of permission. 

The optimism grows once more, crests as her skirts are shifted open, as his trousers are tugged down, as his cock is pulled out and he pushes in, stuttering against that first obstacle. 

It hurts and she’s unable to hide it. 

The stupid disappointment overwhelms her and Qingge can tell immediately. He pulls away before saying anything and hovers above her, concerned and wretched when he should just shove himself inside and push her face into the pillow and smother her mouth until she screams for air. 

“A-Jiu-”

“Here.” She hates her own body and is willing to be spiteful about it so she rolls onto her stomach and shifts her hips up. She spits into her hand and rubs the slick on the inside of her thighs. “Come here, between them.”

“I don’t-”

She can’t see his face from this angle and she doesn’t want to so she just reaches back and fits her nails into the flesh of his hip to physically drag him forward. Thankfully he comes and shoves his cock between her slick thighs the way she demands. 

Once he’s in place she reaches down with her other hand and rubs the head of his cock where it's peeking out, brushing her stomach, smearing the wetness around. 

“You can move.” She tries to gentle her voice so it comes out sweet and seductive. “Qingge, please move.”

He moves. 

It’s incredible how shocked by his own pleasure he is. The way he drapes himself over her back as his hips move. The way he mouths at her neck. The panting and gasping and litany of her name. He likes it. He really likes it. 

She squeezes her thighs together tighter and lets him squeeze her breasts as he thrusts. 

Shen Jiu closes her eyes so tightly white spots bloom behind her lids. This is horrible. It’s so-

Suddenly she finds her face drawn to the side, Qingge cupping her cheek and coaxing her to look back so they can kiss. 

“You’re so beautiful.” He pants against her mouth. 

Shen Jiu feels a burn of tears in her nose. 

“Qingge.” She calls. 

“I’m here.” He kisses her again, lips soft against hers, quick pecks against her cheek and then ear as she shivers and shakes against him. 

His warm palm migrates down from her breast to her stomach and strokes softly. She’s never been so naked. 

“I love you.” He tells her. 

She loses the battle with her tears and collapses forward so she can hide her face in the pillow. Thankfully he doesn’t read her hitching shoulders as anything other than pleasure and so keeps thrusting. 

By the time he finishes the tears have stopped so when he pulls out from between her legs and cuddles up against her, kissing her shoulder and neck, she can face him and pretend her flush and watery eyes are pleasure related. 

“I love you.” He tells her again. 

“We can do that any time you want.” She rests her cheek on his chest and looks at him from beneath her lashes, “But it’s fine if it hurts, please don’t worry.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“For children.” She presses while he’s soft and pliant and liable to agree, “Don’t you want them?”

He looks very conflicted. 

“If… if you’re okay with it and it’s something that can’t be helped and for children then-” He stops, obviously still not convinced, and bends down to nuzzle her face, drawing his nose up her cheek. She loves it when he does that. 

“I love you.” 

He kisses her in response and says it back. 

*

Liu Qingge is frowning hard as he reads the missive.

“What’s wrong?” Shen Jiu instinctively looks around to check they’re neither being watched nor listened to. The rural teahouse they’ve stopped in is near deserted and the other two tables of patrons are absorbed in loud conversation. 

She flicks her gaze back to Liu Qingge for him to hand her the message. 

“It's from Grandfather. He’s warning us to stay away.”

As many Liu messages are, this one is unsigned and brief. Three lines, two used as identifiers, and one containing the actual message. It’s carefully worded to look like near nonsense to outsiders. Shen Jiu was sure Lord Liu had sent the same message to multiple mail points in the area to increase the chances of them picking it up. 

“Stay away?”

Liu Qingge’s nose wrinkles in distaste, “Trouble back home. Likely political. There may be a warrant out for my arrest or something similar.”

Shen Jiu stares at him, “How can you be so calm?”

“These things happen. There was some trouble with my Great-Uncle a few years ago but it got straightened out quickly.” 

Shen Jiu doesn’t think these things should be taken so lightly but her husband would know better than her on this subject, “Then what should we do?”

Liu Qingge taps his fingers on the table, “We need to go to the summer estate.”

Shen Jiu feels out of her depth and confused and therefore resentful. “Why?”

“That’s where any family member in trouble is told to hide out until it blows over. Better than us wandering around on our own to wherever without all the information.”

Shen Jiu nods, “Alright.” She can’t help but feel a horrible roiling in her stomach. She has a horrible premonition. Or perhaps it’s just her natural pessimism and paranoia. 

Tut tut Xiao Jiu, what are you looking so worried for if you’re not at fault? 

It feels abruptly chilly, the heat this far South chased away by a gone-by breeze. 

“It’ll be alright.” Liu Qingge reassures her, “It may just be a miscommunication.”

Somehow Shen Jiu doesn’t think so. 

*

“Young Master Liu!” The unfamiliar young man is grinning as he skids up to them from where he had dismounted his horse, “Fight me!”

The road is empty at this time of day. They hadn’t met anyone for many li. Shen Jiu can’t help but step back. Who is this? 

“Yang Yixuan.” Liu Qingge recognises him easily at least, taking in his stance with a raised eyebrow, “You’ve grown.” He dismounts his own horse though thankfully he doesn’t move forward and instead walks over to stand next to where Shen Jiu is still mounted. 

“Of course.” Yang Yixuan puffs out his chest, “I’ll last longer this time.”

“Qingge.” Shen Jiu, mindful of the potential risk, leans forward and tugs on her husband’s sleeve, “How did he find us?” She keeps her voice low. 

That makes Qingge frown, “How did you find us?” He asks bluntly. 

“I was asked by Qi-gugu to come find you. She said you would be travelling North from tea country but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to meet you. I’ve been riding around in circles for a bit convinced I must have missed you. What great luck!” 

“Then you were sent to tell us something?” Qingge raises an eyebrow. 

“Yes!”

Why didn’t he lead with that?! Idiot! Shen Jiu’s already frazzled nerves are sparking. She takes Qingge’s hand and thankfully he understands her signalling. 

“Tell us first before other nonsense.” 

The road is deserted but even so they step off to the side, Qingge helping her dismount her horse, and walking a ways into the surrounding forest, before finally speaking. 

Yang Yixuan is thankfully to the point, “Someone accused you of colluding with the enemy on your last military campaign to draw out the conflict and earn greater accolades. The Emperor has sent out a request for your return to the Capital so you can be questioned.” 

Essentially a warrant for her husband’s arrest just dressed up nicely. Shen Jiu can’t help but take Qingge’s hand and squeeze tightly even in front of the interloper. 

“What did Grandfather say?”

“Lord Liu let the palace know that you were travelling far afield and the family wasn’t sure where you were or when you would be back.” 

Liu Qingge shakes his head, “Who made the accusation?”

“No one knows.” He scratched the back of his head, “Someone believable though to kick up this much fuss. The message right now is for you to avoid going back to the capital since it’s not safe.” Yang Yixuan has clearly imparted all the information he is able to and begins to rock from side to side, hand on the hilt on his sword. 

Qingge considers and then takes out his own sword, “Watch your footwork.” He warns and then the two of them are off as if nothing more needs to be discussed. 

Shen Jiu lingers to the side. 

The roiling in her stomach is back. It had never left. These past days even with Liu Qingge’s easy confidence and the lack of information she had been terrified. Some part of her had considered this to be very expected. At the end of the day nothing is fit to last. Everyone lives at the whim of a higher power, Shen Jiu knows that most of all. While Liu Qingge was placed on a higher shelf than most there were still rungs above him.  

Shen Jiu picks at the skin of her cuticles under the cover of her sleeves and lets the ragged pricks of pain serve as a counterpart of her spiralling thoughts. 

Someone “believable” made the accusation. That means someone who would presumably know about these things. Someone whose knowing would make sense and be legitimate. But any other military officer who was there would be pointing the finger at themselves by coming forward so late. No member of the Liu clan would, what would they have to gain? Even to unseat Qingge as heir makes no sense. All of Qingge’s relatives adore him, even when Shen Jiu had been specifically looking for discontent she had been unable to find it. 

Someone “believable”. Someone aesthetically close enough to make the accusation hold weight but not close enough to care for her husbands’ wellbeing. 

“Hey.” Qingge has finished beating Yang Yixuan into the dust though the youth looks rather invigorated by the fight beyond the dirt on his clothes and bruises. “We’re done.”

“Mm.” She keeps her eyes down. 

Thinking keeps Shen Jiu busy all the way to the next town they stop in. Yang Yixuan had accompanied them before parting ways with a last promise to beat Liu Qingge the next time they met. As they rode Qingge had told the story of how they met at a weapons shop in Jinlan city and how the boy had been taken as an apprentice to a relative of his since his family died in the plague with Yang Yixuan interjecting every so often to add details and display his general admiration of her husband’s skills. 

Shen Jiu wasn’t in the mood to make conversation so she had responded lacklusteredly to that story. It wasn’t until they were in their inn room and the door was closed tight that she finally opened her mouth properly. 

“Qingge,” She beckoned him closer, “We should be more careful. I don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“It won’t.”

She despises his easy confidence. It’s a quality of his that has unfortunately never really grown on her, especially in moments like this. 

“They’ll be looking for both of us.” She cautions, “A married couple travelling together.”

“Mm.”

There’s a pause. She considers it and decides to venture her idea. 

“If I disguised myself as a man.” She suggests, “It would be harder to identify us.”

Liu Qingge is staring at her. 

“Alright.” He finally says. 

“And we’ll need new travel papers in case anyone asks to see them. Something with new names.”

“Mm.” He agrees and again doesn’t say any more. 

Shen Jiu spends the rest of the evening sorting through her husband’s clothing and carefully altering the few pieces that can be spared and would suit her best. 

“Who do you think it is?” She asks as she works. 

“No idea.” Liu Qingge shakes his head, “I can’t even imagine the purpose.”

“It would need to be someone who was sure this would benefit them. Someone willing to stick their neck out against your family.”

“I don’t know that I have any particular enemies.” Liu Qingge says, “But I’m sure there are people who don’t like me.” He says it with the confidence of someone who has never been truly hated. 

“It might not even be about you.” Shen Jiu is careful with her stitches. She’s never been wonderful at sewing and needs to focus, “Your family is large and well-positioned enough that if you didn’t have your rule against meddling in political affairs you could swing decisions in court easily. If you’re arrested your Grandfather will need to engage with politics to have you exonerated even if you’ve done nothing wrong. In that case he would owe whoever helped a favour just as the next battle for succession is beginning to start.”

Qingge shakes his head, “Grandfather would hate that.”

“But he would save you.”

“Mm. He would.”

There’s a lull while Shen Jiu finishes up the last stitch. 

“If we’re travelling on horseback then we should plan out our route to avoid main roads if possible.” Shen Jiu finally adds as she snaps the thread with her teeth, Liu Qingge’s spare outer robe now adjusted enough to accommodate her slimmer frame. 

“Alright.” Her husband repeats. 

She doesn’t look at him so she’s not sure what expression he’s making. 

*

The next morning after Shen Jiu dressed her husband stared at her like he had never seen her before. 

When she caught a glimpse of herself in the bronze mirror fastened to the wall near the wash basin she understood why. 

*

“So where are you travelling from?”

Shen Jiu gives the guard a tight smile, “We’re heading North to Shuang Hu city.”

“Your papers look to be in order.” The man is scanning them with a disinterested gaze. 

“Mm, could I ask who you’re looking for?” Shen Jiu asks, leaning forward on her horse. “We’ve run into at least three different checkpoints in the past fifty li.”

The guard shares a look at his companion who shrugs as if to say “why not tell them?” .

“The younger Lord Liu, the big military general.” The guard hands their papers to the other for another look. 

“Oh really? Has he committed a crime?”

“We just know to apprehend him to the capital for questioning.” The guard doesn’t seem willing to share more, “Have a smooth rest of your journey.”

“Thank you.” Shen Jiu brushes a hand over the side of her horses’ neck to gentle it. 

“Hey,” The other guard steps forward to hand back their papers and points to the names written, “So he’s Yang Yixuan.” He then gestures to Shen Jiu, “And you would be?”

Shen Jiu doesn’t let her smile falter as she takes back their forged travel papers. 

“Shen Qingqiu. It’s nice to meet you.”