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It is absolutely no secret to anyone in the whole world that Eddie has never particularly liked any of Buck’s past girlfriends. Eddie knows it. Buck knows it. All the 118 knows it. Hell, Buck’s girlfriends most likely knew it, as well. Taylor Kelly for sure did, at least.
So when Eddie finds out that Buck is dating Tommy the situation is completely new and unexpected. And only part of that newness and unexpectedness is due to the Tommy being a guy thing.
Okay, sure, so Buck is bisexual. That’s great, truly. Eddie is incredibly happy for him.
It takes a particular kind of courage to be as open and vulnerable as Buck has been the past couple of weeks, going around and letting everyone in his life see this side of him.
Eddie feels pride at the thought of having been the first person Buck told, even if his hand was slightly forced by the fact that Eddie and Marisol had run into him and Tommy on what Eddie now knows was their first date.
The rest of the 118, Eddie has heard from Buck, have been their usual blend of supportive, teasing, and loving. Maddie, Buck told him with incredulity coloring his voice, has apparently always known in one way or another.
Eddie was there when Buck told Christopher over dinner a few nights ago, Buck’s voice shaking slightly, his eyes closing as a sigh of pure relief left his lips when Chris hugged him tight after the revelation.
The bisexual part is new then, yes, and unexpected for Eddie, absolutely, as he apparently lacks either the deep insight into Buck or the sisterly instincts that allowed Maddie to read this chapter of Buck’s life before even Buck knew he had started writing it.
It is, however, not the most surprising part of it all.
The most shocking thing of the whole ordeal is that Eddie truly and honestly likes Tommy. He liked Tommy before he knew about him and Buck, as evidenced by how quickly they clicked, by how easy it was to form a friendship with him. And he likes Tommy even more now. Now that he’s seen him in this new context, in this new role as Buck’s boyfriend.
For the first time ever Eddie Diaz likes one of Evan Buckley’s partners.
This should be cause for celebration. This should make Eddie feel joyous and relieved, knowing that not only is his best friend with someone that can treat him well and make him happy, but that Eddie can have his own bond with him as well.
It should be the dream, really: Buck has a romantic partner that is going to be part of their lives for the unforeseeable future and Eddie likes him so much that he feels comfortable sharing significant time and space with him.
The problem seems to be that Eddie does not feel comfortable at all with having to share Buck with him.
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“Hey, man, can I ask you something?”
Eddie gulps down the sip of beer he just took as he brings the bottle down back to the table.
The bar is loud around them and Tommy spoke the words quietly, so quietly that Eddie almost didn’t hear them. But hear them he actually did, so Eddie turns his head enough to look at Tommy standing next to him. Tommy’s elbows are resting on the table in front of them, his weight leaned forward, his gaze heavily focused somewhere other than Eddie. Eddie does not have to follow the path of his eyes to know what holds his attention so intensely.
Buck, Ravi, Hen and Chimney have been playing a competitive game of pool for about 10 minutes now, Probies vs Paramedics style as deemed by Hen and Chim, despite both Buck’s and Ravi’s protests that neither of them are probies anymore. None of them are really good at the game, so Eddie has been watching them bounce the cue ball against the walls over and over again as they heckle each other mercilessly for all the mistakes that they make, despite the fact that they are all making them.
It is not the game that Tommy is so focused on, Eddie knows. There is only one person that Tommy is staring at like the world would collapse if he moved his eyes away from him for even a second.
Eddie’s hand tightens around his beet bottle.
“Sure, yeah,” Eddie says, moving his eyes back in the direction of the pool table.
Buck is laughing at something that just happened during the game. His head is thrown back freely, his eyes are closed in delight. The long line of his neck is exposed, bared to the entire world.
Eddie shifts his gaze back to Tommy, who is now biting his bottom lip as his throat moves when he swallows harshly.
The beer bottle digs painfully into the palm of Eddie’s hand.
“What is Evan’s favorite restaurant?” Tommy asks, shaking his head lightly as he turns to look at Eddie. The siren call of Buck must be too strong for him to ignore, though, because he quickly gazes back in his direction.
It is Buck’s turn now, and he’s leaning over the table, moving his arms around to position his pool cue. His hips are tilted back, his fingers are wrapped around the stick, his eyes are squinted in concentration, his tongue is poking out one corner of his mouth.
Eddie quickly pulls his eyes away from him, apparently right at the same time that Tommy did because their gazes meet head on.
A second passes before Tommy says, “So?”
“What?” Eddie asks, confused, heartbeat erratic. He takes a deep breath through his nose, exhaling all the air out of his lungs before he inhales again.
“Evan,” Tommy says. “What’s his favorite restaurant?”
Eddie’s chest burns. It is strange, to say the least, to hear Buck’s first name spoken so casually, so openly, like it does not carry the weight of a thousand expectations with it. It makes Eddie feel restless. His skin itches. He wonders what he would see if he closed his eyes right now. Would it be a hospital room? The blood-soaked pavement of a Los Angeles street? Blue eyes rimmed in red and filled with guilt?
It’s funny that this is the moment when Eddie realizes he’s only ever said Buck’s first name out loud once before. In just a couple of weeks Tommy has said it… Well, Eddie is not sure he could count the number of times he’s heard Tommy say it out loud. He wonders how many more times he has said it when it’s just him and Buck.
“La Plaza Mayor,” Eddie responds mechanically, the answer so easy he didn’t even have to stop and think about it. “He says it’s the only Mexican restaurant that comes close to my Abuela’s cooking. He really misses her cooking.”
One of Tommy’s eyebrows quirks as he he nods his head slowly.
“Cool,” he says, clapping Eddie on the shoulder. “Thanks, Eddie.”
The conversation ends as Tommy walks away from their table, leaving Eddie standing behind intently watching one of the TVs playing the Dodgers game. He doesn’t need to look to know who Tommy just moved closer to.
Eddie takes a sip of his beer, this time finishing the bottle.
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“… and then he took me to La Plaza Mayor,” Buck says through a mouthful of mashed potatoes and green beans casserole as he recounts his date with Tommy to the 118 while they eat a rare uninterrupted meal at the station.
“It was kind of magic because I have been craving pozole for weeks now.” Buck wipes his mouth with the back of one of his hands while he reaches over to grab his glass of water with the other. “It was no Abuela’s, of course, but it was still just exactly what I needed.”
Eddie smiles, because he can never not smile in the face of Buck’s own happiness.
It is so easy to see that Tommy makes Buck happy.
And Eddie likes Tommy.
It is easy to help Tommy make Buck happy. Really, it is.
Eddie can ask Buck if he wants to go to La Plaza Mayor some other time. Maybe he can take Christopher there next Friday, just the two of them. It won’t be the same but maybe it will be just as good. Maybe it will be exactly what Eddie needs.
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“What about this one?” Tommy questions, holding up a bouquet of roses, carnations, and chrysanthemums. It is objectively beautiful, but the colors are a little subdued, all soft pinks and whites.
Eddie shakes his head and keeps walking around the flower shop, taking his time.
This is not where Eddie expected to end up when he left the house this morning.
The plan had been simple: he and Tommy were to head over to Santa Clarita for a car exhibition early in the morning, while Buck and Christopher were to stay behind at the Diaz house finishing Christopher’s science project. Then, at lunch time, they would all reconvene in the park closest to the Diaz house, where Marisol would join them for a nice picnic outside.
Eddie should have realized things were turning sour quickly, though, probably around the time when he had hugged Christopher goodbye as Tommy and Buck shared a sweet parting kiss and Eddie’s stomach had twisted on itself.
But Buck had looked so pleased, so content, that Eddie had not wanted to have to cancel the day simply because something had not sat down well with him the night before.
And truth is, Eddie had been excited too. He’d truly enjoyed the exhibition. He had befriended a sweet 83-year-old lady who had asked him to drive her around in her late husband’s 1975 Pontiac Grand Prix. He had gotten to know some of Tommy’s buddies who had excitedly said to him, “So this is the Eddie that Buck could not stop talking about the other day! You have a great best friend, dude. Tommy especially seems to think so, right?”
His weird stomach bug had been all but forgotten right until the moment Tommy had asked him, “Would you mind helping me pick out some flowers for Evan? It’s been a month since our first kiss and I want to commemorate the occasion or something, you know?”
The thought had been so sweet it made Eddie blush alongside Tommy as he said it.
It also, incredibly, demonstrated just how much Tommy did not just like Buck, but understood him as well, despite how short of a time one month really is in the grand scheme of things.
Buck, who lives and breathes for romance. Buck, who weeps when he watches In The Mood For Love, who tears up when he so much as looks at old couples holding hands in the street. Buck, who has always been the partner to go the extra mile for someone, who has always been the partner armed with both the big and small gestures alike.
And here was Tommy standing in front of Eddie ready to be the first partner who would finally do the same for Buck.
That thought had been the one that had made it impossible for Eddie to say no to Tommy’s request.
Now, as Eddie strolls around the flower shop searching for the bouquet that screams Buck’s name at him, Eddie kind of regrets his decision.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to help Tommy, of course not. He likes Tommy, he really does. He would go so far as to say he considers him a good friend now. And friends help other friends with their significant others, right?
It’s just that… Tommy’s significant other is Buck. Buck, who is Eddie’s best friend.
Isn’t Eddie to supposed to be on Buck’s side all of the time?
Not that there really are separate sides or anything close to resembling a divide. As far as Eddie can tell Buck and Tommy’s relationship is going well, so well in fact that there is only one side that Eddie could be in: their side.
Still, Eddie can’t help but irrationally feel like he’s participating in some sort of betrayal. Of whom, he really could not say, though.
He is glad when, finally, after about 5 more minutes of looking around the shop, he spots it: the one bouquet he knows Buck will love. It’s simple, a lot more simple than most of the other arrangements displayed. The blue of the hydrangeas reminds Eddie of Buck’s eyes, and the baby breaths scattered all over the bouquet make for a very soft look.
Without giving himself time to hesitate, Eddie grabs the arrangement carefully and turns to offer it to Tommy, who has been following him around the shop patiently all the while.
“This one,” Eddie says confidently as Tommy grabs the flowers. “Buck will love this one.”
The taste of guilt is strong on Eddie’s tongue, but it’s absolutely worth it for the way Buck’s smile lights up his face when Tommy gives him the flowers as soon as him and Eddie arrive to the park. Marisol is already there with Buck and Chris, and she moves to stand beside Eddie, both of them pretending like they can’t hear the sweet murmurs happening only 5 feet away from them.
“You really are trying hard to win the perfect boyfriend competition, huh?” Buck says, chuckling lightly. Eddie watches from the corner of his eye as he bring the flowers close to his nose and smells them. His smile turns sweeter, a little less flirty, perhaps, definitely a lot more delighted . “They’re so beautiful. I love them.”
Eddie feels a pang of satisfaction at the words.
“It’s what you deserve,” Tommy says, and he takes a step closer to Buck, his fingers settling under Buck’s chin as he brings their lips together, careful not to crush the flowers between them.
It’s only when Marisol clears her throat, bringing Eddie’s attention to her as she twists around the ring she always wears on her index finger, that Eddie realizes he never even thought of getting Marisol some flowers too.
It seems like Tommy truly is taking the win in the perfect boyfriend competition, after all.
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Three days later, Tommy texts him while Eddie and Buck are on a 24 hour shift.
What is Buck’s comfort food?
The bunk room is quiet. Buck’s breathing is a comforting background noise, one that can normally help soothe Eddie to sleep. Tonight, Eddie feels wide awake. His head is too loud, too many thoughts crashing into each other like the deadliest of car pile-ups.
Another text quickly follows as Eddie keeps staring at his screen.
I want to cook it for him and surprise him when you guys are done with your shift.
Buck is normally the one that does the cooking when he and Eddie hang out. In the Diaz household, he’s always the one engaging Christopher in trying to make new recipes with him. Eddie knows it’s been like this for him too in his previous relationships.
For all that Bobby is not Buck’s biological anything, Buck seems to have inherited his gene of showing love through the art of cooking for the people around them.
It’s so refreshing and attentive of Tommy that he wants to reverse the roles. Buck deserves someone that wants to provide for him, that wants to take care of him after his long days. He deserves someone that puts in the effort, that works to make him feel wanted and needed.
For a couple of heartbeats, Eddie debates putting his phone down, burying his face under the pillow, and faking sleep for long enough that the pretending becomes a reality.
With a sigh, Eddie types, Mac & cheese for savory, chocolate chip cookies for sweet.
Tommy replies to the message immediately.
Great. Will do both! 😀
One hour and 12 minutes later, the bell goes off. It doesn’t wake Eddie up because he never did manage to actually fall asleep.
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“Is Evan more of a comedy guy or an action movie type? We’re going to the movies tomorrow and I want to make sure I pick something he’s going to enjoy.”
“He’s really into romcoms. The sappier the better.”
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“I want to do something different. I don’t want us to get stuck in the dinner and a movie stage of our dates forever.”
“Buck’s been talking about wanting to take dancing lessons for a while. Maybe you guys should give it a try together.”
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“I know two months is not that long and I don’t want to go all out but I want to give him something. And I can’t do flowers again.”
“You should make him a playlist. He’s really into them. I can tell you some of his favorite artists but he’d also love it if you included some of yours. He’s always looking for new stuff to listen to.”
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It’s not that Eddie wants to talk about it with Marisol, not really. It’s just that Eddie can’t think of anyone else he can talk about it with.
She listens to him attentively, nodding and humming along in all the right places as Eddie talks, and talks, and talks, saying more words than he has in all the rest of their relationship combined, probably.
“I think it’s sweet,” she finally says while Eddie catches his breath and tries to recover from the way the explanation had tumbled out of his lips almost violently, as if ripped out of him. “You can tell Tommy really likes him. He just wants to make sure he’s treating Buck right.”
“No, yeah, absolutely,” Eddie agrees, grabbing the plate she just washed and is holding out for him so he can dry it with the towel slung over his shoulder. “Tommy’s a great guy.”
“I mean,” Marisol says, laughing lightly as she rinses a glass, “If I was close to Buck at all I might also use him as a cheat code.”
Eddie frowns, “Don’t you think it’s a little wrong, though?”
Before she speaks, Marisol turns off the faucet and turns her upper body towards Eddie as she tilts her head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know.” Eddie shrugs his shoulders. “It’s just…”
As hard as he tries, Eddie can’t find the proper words to express himself. He knows, rationally, that he has done nothing wrong. And yet, every day he walks around with a heavy feeling in his chest, as if someone keeps squeezing his heart too tightly. He knows too that Tommy has done nothing wrong either. And yet, every time that he watches him and Buck together Eddie feels this inexplicable urge to repent, to come clean about everything.
But come clean about what, is the thing? There is nothing to admit to. There is nothing to confess.
“I just feel like it’s somehow unfair,” Eddie says, shaking his head as he sighs. “To Buck, maybe.”
“Well, it’s not like Tommy has been asking you about really personal stuff, has he?” Marisol wonders, grabbing the kitchen towel that Eddie was holding in his hands to dry her hands on it.
“No, no, nothing like that. Tommy would never,” Eddie defends him, with all the conviction in his heart.
Because that is what it all boils down to, isn’t it?
Tommy Kinard is, and of this Eddie has no doubt, a really great man. A great man that is, Eddie is absolutely sure about, falling more and more in love with Buck every day. He sees it every time he gets to spend time with both of them together. It’s in his eyes when he looks at Buck, in his voice when he calls him Evan, in the way his hands always reach out to touch Buck like he’s something that deserves to be treated gently.
And Eddie gets it. He gets it better than anyone else in this world. Who wouldn’t fall in love with Evan Buckley?
Buck does deserve to be treated gently, just like he deserves the kind of love he’s been dreaming of having for his whole life. Eddie, as his best friend, should only be feeling elated at him for having finally found it. He should be happily playing his part in helping the romance along.
The nagging sensation persists, however. His heart is still being painfully constricted. He feels confused, guilty, wrong.
“Right,” Marisol says. “All he’s asking is for advice that he could ask anyone else about. He’s just lucky you’re his friend and also Buck’s.”
Eddie nods his head slowly, as he presses his lips together.
The conversation has not brought him any relief or clarity, but Eddie knows there is no reason to push it further. He’ll just have to give it more time and hope that the mess of his feelings will sort themselves out. And if in a couple months time he’s still feeling unsure about it, he’ll bring it up with Frank during their bimonthly therapy session. He’s sure Frank would appreciate the change of pace in their chats.
“Luckily for you he’s not asking you to write love letters to Buck in his name. There wouldn’t be much you could help him with there,” Marisol jokes, using the towel to lightly swat his chest.
Right there and then, the universe collapses and rebuilds itself right in front of Eddie’s eyes.
I would write about Buck’s tenacity, about the way he never gives up and always keeps fighting.
I would write about his compassion, about the way he cares for people, about the way he always wants to see the best in them.
I would write about his curiosity and about how exploring the world next to him is interesting and exciting all the time.
I would write about his capacity for forgiveness, and about his generosity, and about the way he can make everyone in a room laugh with just a few soft and well-meaning words.
I would write him pages upon pages if necessary, all so he would understand how special he is, how wonderfully lucky Tommy should feel for falling in love with him and being given the chance that Buck might love him back.
Time stands still and Eddie finally feels like he can breathe.
Something, however small, must show on his face, because to his right Marisol murmurs, “Oh.”
Time stands still and the world finally feels like it makes sense.
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That night when Eddie gets back home, he’s single once again.
That night when he gets back home, Eddie knows he’s irrevocably and absolutely in love with his best friend.
_________________________
The news of his break up with Marisol are taken without much fanfare but with a lot of empathy by his friends and family.
Christopher hugs him extra tight when Eddie tells him, transporting Eddie back to when he was just a little younger and so much smaller, making him tear up and feel just a little too old for someone who is still on the right side of 35.
Hen and Chimney keep their teasing of Eddie light for a couple of days, as if giving him a little mourning space.
Bobby cooks Eddie’s favorite foods for a week straight and makes sure Eddie always gets the leftovers to take home with him.
Tommy claps him on the shoulder extra hard and goes easy on him doing their next Muay Thai session.
And Buck. Buck is everywhere all at once. At his house, keeping Eddie company. On his phone, texting Eddie memes and TikTok videos at all hours of the day and night. At the station, sitting so close to Eddie he might as well be perched on his lap.
Buck is in Eddie’s head and Eddie’s soul and Eddie’s heart.
So really, it’s business as usual between them, nothing really new under the sun.
And yet Eddie asks himself everyday how he could have lived for years with this unnamed feeling inside him. It’s unmissable, Eddie realizes. The best and worst thing that Eddie has ever owned.
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“Do you think it’s too soon to tell Buck I love him?”
It’s funny, really, that the most surprising part of Tommy’s question is the use of Buck’s nickname instead of his given name. Eddie has grown used to hearing him say Evan with the confidence of someone who does not know the full story behind it but would still love Buck just the same if he did.
“I’m afraid I can’t help you with this one, man,” Eddie says, smiling ruefully at Tommy. “I think only Buck knows the answer to that question.”
Tommy sighs, “You’re right, yeah.”
Late that night, as he stares up at his own bedroom ceiling, Eddie wonders whether realizing he was in love with Buck would have been easier or harder if he did not like Buck’s boyfriend so much.
Would it hurt less if it was Taylor Kelly’s boyfriend that Eddie fantasized about sharing his entire life with every night?
Eddie does not know the answer to that question, but if there is one thing he’s sure about is that even if he has to spend his entire life watching Buck and Tommy love each other from the sidelines he will feel grateful Taylor Kelly is well and truly gone from their lives.
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The sun is rising over the horizon when Buck breaks the silence that had comfortably settled over them as soon as they had sat down on the roof of the fire station.
“Tommy told me he loved me last night.”
Eddie inhales deeply, the cold air of the early morning hurting the inside of his nostrils a little. Eddie exhales slowly, willing his heart to settle down, willing his heart to accept that its rightful place might not be in Buck’s hands.
“I broke up with him.”
Eddie gives up on fighting a losing battle and lets his heart run wild, its greedy roots looking to sink into Buck’s own chest with all their might.
“He’s a really good guy,” Eddie says, unsure why a defense of Tommy Kinard is the fist thing in his mind in this moment.
It might be because, despite whatever has happened between Tommy and Buck and whatever Eddie has wanted to happen between Buck and him, Tommy is his friend. A friend that Eddie appreciates dearly for all the good moments he brings to Eddie’s life and all the love he’s shown for the man that Eddie has grown to love as well.
“He really is,” Buck agrees, his voice nothing but a whisper.
When Eddie turns to look at him Buck’s gaze is lost somewhere over the clouds, following the dawn of the day in front of them.
“So why did you break up with him?” Eddie asks him, using all of the courage he possesses, as fearful as he is hopeful of the answer.
Buck is silent for a few seconds and Eddie can’t pull his eyes away from him. The light of the sunrise is painting his skin golden and his hair looks lighter than it usually does. Eddie has never seen anything so beautiful, he’s never felt so close to God or whatever higher power there is in his life.
“Did you notice that he always called me Evan?”
“What?” Eddie says, confused by the apparent non-sequitur.
“Tommy,” Buck clarifies. “Most of the time he always called me Evan, not Buck.”
Eddie takes a second to formulate his question before saying, “Did that bother you?”
Buck shakes his head slowly, and a small smile blooms on his lips. Eddie wants him to turn his head and look at him. Eddie needs him to settle his eyes on Eddie, to lock their gazes in an embrace that would hopefully offer Eddie all the answers he’s craving.
“No.” Buck chuckles lightly, the laugh nothing more than a exhale of air through his nose. “No, it didn’t. It definitely would have a few years ago. But not now. Not with him.”
For a minute or so Eddie is silent. The sun is almost completely visible now as Eddie waits for Buck to keep talking. When he doesn’t, Eddie finally prompts him, “So then…”
“Every time he said my name,” Buck says, as if he had not stopped speaking at all, “It didn’t feel wrong. But it didn’t feel quite right either. It was— I couldn’t—” Buck pauses, digging his teeth into his bottom lip like he’s frustrated by not being able to find the right words. “He said Evan but all I could hear was…”
A single tear makes its way down Eddie’s right cheek. “Buck…”
Finally, Buck turns his head to look at Eddie. His eyes are glistening and Eddie was so wrong before. This, this is what seeing the face of God is like.
“Eddie,” Buck murmurs, using his thumb to wipe away one more tear that was threatening to escape the corner of Eddie’s eye. “Say my name.”
“Buck…”
Buck’s hand cups Eddie’s cheek, Buck’s thumb tracing the edges of Eddie’s lips as Buck demands, “Say my name.”
“Evan.” It rolls of Eddie’s tongue like it’s the only word he was ever born to say, like the world ended the moment he first said it for the first time in that hospital room years ago and began once more just now.
Buck’s eyes close as he gasps. Eddie’s heart roots deeper into Buck, blossoming fully once it touches the beautifully jaded core of Buck’s being.
“That,” Buck says, “is why I broke up with Tommy.”
Kissing Buck feels like coming home.
Kissing Buck feels like saying his name does. Right. Momentous. Life-altering.
Their first kiss is short but deep. Their tongues touch for just a second but Eddie feels the graze from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. He’s alive. He’s alive, and he’s in love, and he’s Buck’s. He’s all Buck’s.
It is absolutely no secret to anyone in the whole world that Eddie has never particularly liked any of Buck’s past girlfriends. On the contrary, he liked Buck’s first boyfriend. He really did.
Buck’s second boyfriend, however? The one Buck will hopefully one day call his husband?
Well, Eddie has done a lot of work in therapy to grow to love himself. Maybe that will count for something.
If nothing, Eddie will love Buck exactly like he deserves forever. Wholly and unconditionally, for just who he is. All of Evan, all of Buck.
Eddie will love Buck in a way no one else ever has, in a way no else ever will.