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“Did you want some more wine?” Caroline called from the kitchen of the farmhouse, picking up a bottle of expensive red that she had brought round at the beginning of the evening and squinting down at the label. They had already consumed one, plus the shitty rose that Gillian already had open when she arrived. Whilst she knew that Gillian would drink pretty much anything it really had been a new low, and she had threatened to take it home to use as some kind of cleaner rather than as a drink. Still, it was gone now, and time for something new…
"Yeah, sure." Gillian sat up on the sofa so that Caroline could refill her glass. "Thanks. Hey, you know what, Caz? Ellie asked me the other day when I'd last been on a date," Gillian huffed. "But then I realised I've never really been on a date, a proper one, you know... Well, not since..." Gillian tried hard to think of an evening - or a man - that would count as such, but could come up with nothing. She'd had her fair share of 'male encounters' - as Celia so subtly put it - but they'd never really asked her out on a date.
Caroline’s hand jerked a little, almost slopping some of the wine over the side of the glass as she glanced at her, trying to keep her face unreadable. “Not since when? Didn’t you ever go on a date with Robbie?” She almost spat out his name, never having warmed to him. She had seen how he had treated Gillian - like she was some kind of project that he needed to fix, like he was doing her some kind of favour by saying that he loved her. She hated the fact that Gillian had felt so trapped, especially as she could have just said at their wedding that she should pull out. She knew at the time that one word from her would have stopped it, but she didn’t dare.
"Robbie?" Gillian huffed again. "He never even bothered to ask me out! Probably didn't think I was worth the effort," she sighed noticeably. "Would be nice though, wouldn't it? To have someone to spend a nice evening with. Some wine, talking, laughing... and..." Just like their Friday nights, she thought, but didn't dare say it out loud. There was no way she was going to ruin this – whatever this was – between them.
“Oh, well, I…” Caroline started awkwardly, dropping the wine bottle on the coffee table and coming to sit beside her. A little stab of hurt radiated through her chest… Over time the two of them had lived their lives more and more in each other's pockets, and while Friday nights were a permanent fixture, there were usually a couple more days of the week that they ended up having dinner together or at least seeing each other in some capacity. Nothing made her happier than when Gillian showed up unexpectedly and let herself into the house like she owned the place, and automatically started making them tea. Her comments made her think that maybe she didn’t see it that way, like Caroline somehow wasn’t enough… But then, how could she be? They weren’t in a relationship, and although she craved further displays of intimacy from her, the simple fact of the matter was that she was straight. It was never going to happen.
“I… I guess it would be nice to… have that, yes,” she carried on, running her finger around the rim of her glass as she stared into the swirling ruby liquid.
Caroline turned to meet her eyes with an intensity that unsettled the brunette. All she could think was that this - sharing an evening with her - was all she wanted. Well, if she were honest, she wanted a whole lot more than that, but those thoughts were better left in a box labelled 'inappropriate thoughts about your stepsister'. Knowing her face would give too much away, she quickly looked down at her wine.
"So what about you? When was the last time you were out on a date?" Gillian tried to sound casual and calm as she fiddled with the hem of her shirt. What if someone new had caught the blonde's eye? How would she be able to cope if the blonde found a beautiful, kind and loving woman who could give her all that she deserved, all that she - a notoriously struggling, broke and damaged sheep farmer – could not.
Caroline blinked, settling back into the sofa cushions. “Well, I don't think I can really count Ruth…” She winced, even the memory of that awful evening and everything that followed making her feel a little sick. “Olga.. we never really had a relationship like that. Kate, we didn't really go on a date…” A pang of sadness went through her, wishing now that she had made more of an effort to take her, but they had had so little time together in the grand scheme of things and their relationship had moved so fast she hadn't exactly had an opportunity. “John. When we were first together he took me to some ghastly cabaret evening and got pissed on Rioja. I had to carry him home.”
Gillian snorted with laughter at the image of Caroline dragging John home, knocking over her wine glass and spilling the remains all over her shirt. "Shit, shit, shit," she muttered as she hurriedly tried to prevent the stains from setting. "Sorry, Caz ... I really didn't mean to ... it's just the picture of John-" She tried to calm herself but failed miserably and burst out laughing again. "Dunno know how you put up with him for so long," she added, trying to compose herself, not wanting Caroline to think she was laughing at her. In fact, it was a question she had been pondering since she first met the blonde’s ex-husband. Sure, John had his charms, but she was so obviously out of his league. She looked down at her now stained shirt. "Guess it adds to the collection," she mused with a wry smile, her shirt already had plenty of stains.
“Do you want me to try and get it out?” Caroline asked, gesturing at the huge splodges. “And I don't know either… I think I just got myself into a rut. Felt like that was all there was to life…” She shrugged sadly, knowing that she was getting back into another of those ruts now. “Anyway… we were talking about you. Are you thinking of trying to find someone… new?” She tried to keep her voice level, and felt she mostly succeeded.
Gillian fell silent, the thought had never really crossed her mind before. She didn't feel the need to meet someone new. It was the truth she'd told Caroline not long ago, that she'd never been less lonely in her life. Everything she wanted seemed to be right here, sitting next to her, yet out of reach. She felt the blonde's questioning eyes on her, she was well aware of her reluctance to answer.
“Don’t feel you have to answer, if you don’t want to…” Caroline said gently, almost wishing that she hadn’t asked, and they had just been able to carry on with their evening as normal. It felt like she was picking at a scab, teetering over the edge of a precipice of sadness that she would struggle to pull herself back from.
“Dunno, Caz… haven’t really had a chance to get out much lately, have I?” she smiled a little self-consciously, realising how radically her life had changed in that respect over the past few years. She knew she had quite a reputation when it came to men - a fact Celia never failed to point out - and people didn't seem to have forgotten, judging by the way a rather handsome young man had approached her at the sheep auction last week. Gillian hesitated for a moment. "Mhm… actually, there's this guy... he came up to me at the sheep auction... gave me his number." Caroline's eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she quickly regained her composure, masking any other emotions. Gillian felt a wave of unease run through her body. Why was she sharing this with the blonde when it didn't mean anything?
“Was… was he…” Caroline gestured weakly, making an odd sort of flapping motion with her hand. “Was he… attractive? Your type?” She couldn’t really have put her finger on what Gillian’s type was, given that they seldom seemed to have much in common. In past times she would have been crueller and said any man with a pulse would have done, but she knew that was unkind. Gillian had been remarkably celibate since Robbie, so it wasn’t fair, either.
"Didn't know I had a type," she chuckled, glancing teasingly at Caroline. "Yeah, he was quite fit... younger, though. But hey, that's never stopped me before," she added with a smirk.
“No… no, I suppose not…” Caroline hummed, clenching her jaw. “Well… are you going to text him, then? If he’s given you his number?” She found, unreasonably, that she already hated this faceless man, someone who might end up sharing time with her friend in a way that she would never be allowed.
“And say what? ‘Fancy a romantic dinner sometime?’ I don’t think he’s the type for that kind of date…”
“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t ask,” Caroline shot back, wondering why she was digging herself into this hole. It hurt to think of Gillian with anyone else, why was she forcing it?
"You really think I should text him?" Gillian sighed as Caroline nudged her arm gently. She took a deep breath and she reached for her phone, her fingers brushing hesitantly across the screen before finally composing a message.
G: Hey, it's Gillian from the auction. Thanks for giving me your number. Would you be up for grabbing a drink sometime?
What the hell was she doing? She had no intention of actually going out with this man, but Caroline seemed eager for her to do so. As she hit send, a wave of sadness washed over her. It was becoming more and more clear to her that her feelings were one-sided. It became harder and harder to try and ignore her longing for the other woman with every Friday night they spent together. Maybe it was for the best that she went out with this man; maybe it would take her mind off this mess...
To her surprise, the reply came almost immediately.
Hey Gillian, glad you messaged! I'd love to grab a drink - but how about we make it a meal? How about tomorrow night?
Gillian raised an eyebrow, masking her disappointment with a smile. She had hoped for a polite decline. With a heavy sigh, she glanced at Caroline, who was watching her expectantly.
“He seems keen,” Caroline commented, forcing a smile that she really didn’t feel. She cursed herself once again - she felt almost like she had forced the situation, and wished that she hadn’t said anything or encouraged her. “What are you going to say back?”
“Dunno, Caz… got a lot on tomorrow… and I was supposed to be babysitting Calamity.” She gestured at her empty glass. “Is there any more?” She would need a lot more wine if she was going to follow through with this plan.
“Yes…” Caroline plucked the bottle from the table and carefully poured some more into her glass, staring at it intently - anything to avoid having to look at her and risk giving away the pained expression in her eyes. “Well… It’s up to you, isn’t it? If you want to go?” She thought it obvious that Gillian did, given that she sent the text in the first place. If she felt any differently about it - or about her - then she was sure that she would have just brushed it off.
The brunette could sense the unease in Caroline's posture, though it was hard to make any sense of it. Was she afraid that their close friendship and especially their Friday night tradition would be in jeopardy if Gillian found someone new? Even if - and that was a big if - the brunette would ever be interested in someone other than the headmistress, she had no intention of giving up their evenings together, in fact she rather dreaded the idea, if she was honest. It was truly remarkable how their friendship had grown into something so much deeper for her. She had never imagined she would care so deeply for someone she had once called a "snotty bitch" over a parking space - although that image had quickly dissolved the night their parents had gone missing, revealing the true layers of the blonde's complexity. The time she spent with Caroline was the highlight of her week, and had been for quite some time. Maybe, she wondered, it would be a good idea to bring her along, not just to have a backup in case anything weird happened - which was rather unlikely, the man seemed quite nice, she had to admit, but she simply felt safer with the blonde around - but also to shed some light on Caroline's unusual behaviour.
“Gillian,” Caroline’s voice interrupted her thoughts, drawing her attention back to their conversation.”Are you alright? You seem lost in thought.”
"Yeah, sorry," she replied with a slight smile. "Lost in my head for a moment." Her mind was still spinning with this newfound idea. "Mmh... I was thinking...what if you came with me?"
Caroline's eyes widened in surprise, a hint of uncertainty flickering in her gaze. "On the date?" she repeated, clearly startled by the suggestion.
Gillian shrugged. "Yeah, as m-m-my wing woman?" A hopeful smile on her lips.
“Your wing woman?” Caroline frowned, shifting a little uncomfortably as she considered the idea. “Won’t that be… awkward, though? Me being there if you’re trying to… you know… flirt, and stuff?” Not to mention how difficult it would be for her - it would be like watching something she loved be stolen away from under her very nose. That would be exactly how it was, in fact…
Gillian’s smile faltered slightly at the blonde’s hesitant response. She hadn’t considered how uncomfortable her suggestion might make Caroline feel. “But if you’re not comfortable with the idea…” she said self-consciously, not daring to look at her, her fingers gripping the rim of her glass tightly. She hated the thought of Caroline being upset but there seemed to be no other way to get to the bottom of her friend’s behaviour. In for a penny… “I just thought… maybe having you there with me could help me, you know?” She went on, her voice soft and uncertain. “You… you’re much better at reading people. He could be a real dick for all I know… a-and if he’s not, you can always leave.” She forced herself to look up, meeting the blonde’s eyes with a mixture of fear and hope.
The look in her eyes was enough to have Caroline’s shoulders sagging in defeat. She knew that Gillian didn’t have the best dating history, and lord knew that she could do with any help that she could get when it came to choosing someone appropriate. If it couldn’t be her, then she reasoned that she could at least be there to help make sure that she didn’t fall for some sweaty lothario who only wanted to get into her knickers.
“I suppose…” she said with a sigh, trying to smile but struggling to make her lips curve upwards. “If it means that much to you… Greg has Flora, so I am free…”
Great! That’s settled then.” With a sheepish smile, the brunette reached for her phone and quickly typed out a reply. She was quite excited about her plan, it was definitely going to be an interesting evening…
Caroline nodded, reaching for the wine once again. She was going to need some Dutch courage for this…
—
“So… how are you feeling about this?” Caroline asked nervously, tapping her finger against the steering wheel as she glanced across at Gillian in the passenger seat. She looked gorgeous - she was wearing a pretty wrap dress that clung to her curves, her hair curling sound her ears and brushing her neck, and even some high heels that Caroline recognised from their parent’s wedding. She had picked the farmer up just a short while ago, cursing herself all the way for ever agreeing to this.
Gillian’s nerves were on edge as she fidgeted with the hem of her dress. “I-I don’t know,” she admitted, her voice trembling slightly, “Nervous… I-I-I guess… I don’t even know why,” she laughed, though the sound came out strained, even to her ears. Of course, she knew exactly why. Her nervousness had little to do with the date itself and everything to do with the blonde sitting next to her. Caroline’s posture, however, remained unreadable. Maybe she should just go along with it. Maybe he’d be nice and she might even enjoy the evening.
“Well, if you haven’t been on a date properly before then that’s understandable,” Caroline reasoned, trying to keep her voice even and not show the dread that she was feeling inside. “Although for what it’s worth I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about - you look gorgeous.”
Gillian blushed, never particularly good at taking compliments. She offered a shy smile in response, feeling a warm flutter in her chest at Caroline’s words. "So, how should we do this then? I've never had a... wing woman before," Gillian chewed her lip, pondering the best approach. What exactly was the role of a wing woman when she had already managed to get a date with the man?
“I've never been one, either,” Caroline gave back, letting out a low chuckle. “I don't know, really… I'm kind of thinking that I'll get a table nearby and… watch? Listen? Would you be comfortable with that?” She didn't know if she was comfortable with it, but she wasn't here for her own benefit. “I guess I'm meant to tell you if I think he's an idiot or not?”
"Sounds like a plan," Gillian nodded thoughtfully. But she hesitated, unsure if she wanted Caroline to overhear their conversation. Still, she couldn't ignore the obvious. If she wanted the blonde's opinion, she needed to be close enough to observe. "We need a safe word, though," Gillian realised that that might not be the best term for what they were about to do and immediately clarified. Some k-kind of signal?"
“That sounds advisable…” Caroline nodded, biting her lip. “What are you thinking? And what do you want me to do if you say it?”
Gillian pondered for a moment, her mind racing for some suitable word or signal. Suddenly a grin spread across her face.
"How about... 'watermelon'... or 'pineapple' when I want to talk to you? You could discreetly follow me to the loo," she suggested with a chuckle. "If I take off my cardigan though, that would mean 'get me out of here ASAP'."
“Okay, I can do that,” Caroline nodded again, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. She had styled it nicely and worn a nice dress, not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb if the restaurant was fancy. Part of her hoped it was - Gillian deserved to be treated well, after all, as much as she prayed that the date wouldn’t culminate in anything more than a bearable evening. She felt horrible for even thinking of it - Gillian had had more than her fair share of horrible experiences over the years, and she deserved something nice. She only wished that something was her,...
“Thanks, Caz…” Gillian gave back softly, reaching across the gap that separated them and gently squeezing her knee. She wished that she could do more than that - Caroline looked beautiful tonight, although really Gillian thought that she looked beautiful every night. “I appreciate it.” She couldn’t stop the rush of love that she felt for her, hoping against hope that this would work.
Caroline glanced across the car at her, trying to ignore how her hand caused a rush of heat to surge through her. She caught the look in the other woman’s eyes, one that she would have sworn that she hadn’t seen before… but she didn’t understand it.
“Nearly there,” she murmured, turning her attention back to the road. “Not long now.”
—
“Italian?” Caroline asked, looking up at the sign for the restaurant as she furrowed her brow. It wasn’t that she had an issue with Italian food - far from it, it was one of her favourites - but whoever this bloke was had chosen one of the cheapest places in town, and she knew that if she had the privilege of taking the farmer out on a date she would choose somewhere better than this. Mind you, she was predisposed to hate everything about the evening - she wanted to shove Gillian back in the car and take her home again, knowing that it was going to be excruciatingly painful to watch her flirting with some complete tosspot who wouldn’t be worthy of her.
Gillian couldn’t shake the feeling that she might be making a bad mistake by bringing Caroline along tonight, but she pushed those doubts aside. “I’ll speak to you in a bit,” she muttered out of the corner of her mouth, and without another glance at the blonde, she made her way to the door to the restaurant and slipped inside. Caroline followed just behind.
The interior didn’t seem too terrible, although it had a bit of a kitschy, faux-Italian touch that she was sure Caroline would hate. Her date was already waiting at a table at the back of the restaurant. Taking a moment to study him, she had to admit, he looked quite handsome - much better than he had on the day of the sheep auction. He was tall and lean, with a hint of muscle underneath his neat shirt, clean-cut features, a strong jaw, and soft brown eyes.
“Is that him?” Caroline whispered from her side, having caught her up, frowning towards him. She hated that he was what might be considered classically attractive, and could immediately see how that might appeal to Gillian. She wasn’t usually one to dislike people on sight, but found that she was making an exception…
"Yeah, that's him... Tom." Fearing that her date would notice that she'd brought her friend, she gave Caroline one last smile and walked over to the table, feeling a flutter in her stomach. She found that her date had already ordered a bottle of wine. "Hi," she greeted him with a friendly smile and took the seat opposite him. "I'm not late, am I?"
“No, not at all,” he said easily, offering her a kind smile. “How are you? Have you had a good day, an okay trip down here?”
Meanwhile, Caroline sat a few tables away, plucking the wine list from the table and watching them surreptitiously over the top of it. Gillian was facing in her direction and she could only see the back of Tom’s heaf, and she couldn’t help narrowing her eyes at him. If he did anything untoward she would be down on him like a tonne of bricks…
"Yeah, thanks. Day wasn't too bad - the tractor broke down again, but I managed to fix it," she grinned at him, a hint of pride in her voice. "But hey, no wandering sheep today, that's definitely a plus," she laughed, knowing he would understand the challenges of sheep farming. "How about you?"
“Aye, not too bad,” Tom nodded, looking at her appraisingly. “Had some lambs to take care of up Todmorden way, but otherwise pretty quiet. You look lovely, by the way.” He ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it in a way that could be considered attractive.
Gillian felt a blush creep up her cheeks. "Thank you," she replied, her smile widening at his words, noticing the way his hair fell in an effortlessly charming way. He was certainly handsome, and there was something about him that would surely have piqued her interest once. She sighed heavily. She wasn't that woman anymore, not since Caroline had taken her heart so completely - a realisation she had never felt more clearly than at this moment. Who was she trying to fool?
Despite her initial nervousness, she found she enjoyed Tom's company more than she had expected. He was easy to talk to and their conversation flowed effortlessly, swapping stories and laughing at the quirks of farm life. Still, as they started to eat their surprisingly tasty meal, her mind wandered to the blonde sitting just two tables away who had become such an inseparable part of her life.
Meanwhile, Caroline was deep in her second glass of wine, trying not to notice how gorgeous Gillian was looking and how she was leaning in to talk to the man, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling. Her chest squeezed uncomfortably, and she found that she was clenching her knife hard between her fingers as she waited for her own meal to come.
Halfway through her meal as the conversation lulled, Gillian subtly glanced at her watch. Despite the pleasant evening, she felt a nagging restlessness. It was time. Waiting for the right moment to slip in their code word, Gillian remembered that perfect evening not so long ago - the two of them, enjoying a lovely dinner, some wine - well, at least three bottles if memory served her right - and ending up curled up on the sofa watching a quiz show. "You know, I was watching this quiz show with a friend the other night and it turns out that in some cultures the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality," she said, unable to keep a smirk from her voice, knowing full well that the blonde would find this fact hilarious and that it would actually reveal that despite all her whining about how terrible these shows were, she secretly loved them.
Tom raised an eyebrow, looking slightly puzzled at the sudden change of subject, but nodded politely. "Yeah, I've heard that one. Isn't it funny how certain fruits can have such significance?"
Gillian chuckled - if only he knew the significance of that particular fruit at this moment - her heart pounding in her chest as she hoped Caroline had got the signal. She knew she couldn't keep up this charade much longer. The evening had only clarified for her that she wasn’t interested in anyone apart from the lovely woman sat just a few tables away. Desperate to speak to her, Gillian decided to take the plunge. "I'll be right back," she told Tom, making her way to the toilet.
Caroline waited until Gillian had gone past her and quickly got up to follow, throwing her napkin down in her seat. Her dinner had arrived but she had barely touched it, pushing it round and round the plate as she fought a wave of nausea. It seemed like they were getting on incredibly well, and she could hardly stand it.
“Are you alright?” Caroline asked when she entered the bathroom, checking that they were alone and closing her door behind her. “How are you getting on?”
“I didn’t think I’d say this, but he’s actually quite nice,” Gillian replied somewhat hesitantly. “What do you think?”
“I think he looks a bit shifty,” Caroline hummed, folding her arms over her chest and trying not to look too judgemental. “And it looked like he was staring at your chest half the time…”
“But isn’t that just part of the dating game?” Gillian asked curiously, meeting Caroline’s gaze squarely.
Caroline let out a snort, tossing her hair behind her head as she leant against one of the sinks. “Maybe, if you like that kind of thing,” she huffed, looking down and rubbing the toe of her shoe against one of the cracked tiles that lined the bathroom. “I just think you deserve better than that.”
Gillian could sense Caroline’s unease and immediately felt bad for asking the blonde to come along. Perhaps it hadn't been such a good idea, considering the blonde's recent admission that she sometimes felt lonely, and the disaster with her terrible head of English hadn’t made things any easier - it rather had made her retreat into her shell.
“Come on, Caz,” she asked, gently reaching out for her hand. “What’s really bothering you?”
“Just concern for you,” Caroline murmured, swallowing nervously. She could hardly tell her that she felt like screaming, like she wanted to tell Gillian that she didn’t need to date him , and that she would take care of her instead. But that was hardly appropriate. “You’ve been through enough shit, Gillian, you don’t need to suffer through some twat if he’s not good enough for you…”
Gillian’s heart sank, she wished the blonde would open up to her, but she had to accept that she seemed to have her reasons for keeping things under wraps. Maybe the brunette had read too much into it, maybe all she wanted was to protect her from getting hurt again?. Yet, the realisation that Caroline didn’t seem to return her feelings hurt more than the man waiting for her at the dinner table ever could. With a heavy sigh, Gillian squeezed her hand gently.
“Thanks, Caz,” she murmured, offering a small, appreciative smile. “I appreciate your concern… I really do.” Deep down, Gillian wished she could tell the blonde about her longing, that her heart ached when she wasn’t with her, but she knew now was not the time. Not here in a bathroom when her date was waiting, probably wondering what had taken her so long.
Caroline sighed, knowing that she was being a little unfair. “Is he being nice to you, at least? Is he interesting, kind?”
“Seems to be…” Gillian hummed, looking down awkwardly as she fiddled with her sleeve. It was as she had said before - he was nice enough, and in another life she could see how she might easily fall for him, but when Caroline was around there was simply no contest. “I’m not sure if… if all this is quite what I want, but…”
“But it’s worth a try,” Caroline finished, trying to construct a reassuring smile, but not knowing how convincing it was. “I just want you to be happy, Gillian, and… and do whatever makes you feel happy.”
Gillian desperately wanted to tell her that the only person that made her happy was her, and she looked up, meeting her eyes for a long moment. “Thanks…” she said finally, and with a lingering look, she released Caroline’s hand and turned to return to her date.
“Welcome back,” Tom said with a wide grin, getting up and pulling out Gillian’s chair for her. It was a bit of an over the top chivalrous gesture, but Gillian smiled at him nonetheless. “I took the liberty of ordering you another wine - I hope that was okay?”
Meanwhile, Caroline moved back into her seat, picking up her fork again and listlessly pushing the food around. She really was in no mood… As she watched Gillian chatting and laughing, she started feeling like she was just getting in the way. Surely Gillian could manage this on her own? The man didn’t seem to offensive, despite her misgivings, and sitting there was like torture… Perhaps she should leave? She was Gillian’s ride home, but the way things were going it was looking like she might not need one…
As Gillian sat back down she noticed that Tom had ordered dessert for her - chocolate cake - which wasn’t her favourite, but after her disappointing conversation with Caroline in the bathroom, a bit of serotonin might be just what she needed. She had hoped the blonde would have said something, anything to get her to end this date but she hadn’t, leaving Gillian even more confused as to her intentions. Perhaps she really wanted her to find someone new...
Halfway through her cake, Tom suddenly leant over and brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. “You have some chocolate on your lip,” he chuckled..
“Th-thank you,” was all she managed to reply, completely taken aback by this unexpected physical contact.
Caroline had seen everything. As she watched Tom lean closer to the brunette, she dropped her fork down onto her plate as she felt her heart tear a little. She couldn’t help feeling that this was the beginning of the end of the lovely bond that they had cultivated, having visions of Gillian forgoing time with her so that she could be with this man, and finding herself left out in the cold with nowhere to turn. Her face dropped, and she felt tears gather in her eyes as she clenched her napkin in her fist.
The sudden sound of a fork being dropped startled the brunette and she caught Caroline’s eyes. The blonde looked devastated. Not quite sure what to make of it, Gilian shifted uncomfortably in her chair, feeling the blonde’s intense gaze on her.
When Gillian’s eyes met hers she knew that she’d been caught, and Caroline panicked. Shoving her chair back from the table, she grabbed her handbag and bolted back to the toilets. What people would think of her running in and out of there she didn’t know, but all she knew was that she couldn’t face looking at Gillian any longer. When she got into the bathroom she slumped against the sinks, burying her face in her hands.
Before she realised what she was doing, GIllian got up and murmured “S-s-sorry… I-I have to…” She moved her chair back with a sharp screech, drawing the attention of some of the other diners, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Again?” Tom muttered with a quizzical look on his face, but the brunette ignored him, heading straight to the bathroom, desperate to know what the hell was going on.
As soon as the door banged open Caroline knew that it would be Gillian, and she turned quickly to face the mirror and started to rummage in her handbag so that she had an excuse to look down and hide her face. “Don’t worry, just patching up my lipstick,” she mumbled, hardly daring to look at her.
When she saw Caroline standing by the sink, clearly upset, she suddenly knew what this was all about. Her eyes were wide open now, watching her, her heart pounding in her chest. She suddenly felt a rush of nerves, knowing that this was the moment, the moment to show her how she really felt, that she didn't want Tom or any other man for that matter. Throwing caution to the wind, she lunged at Caroline and pulled her into a fierce kiss, deciding that actions spoke louder than words. They could talk later.
A second later they parted, Caroline gasping in shock as she looked down at Gillian with wide eyes. “What was that for?” she asked, her voice shaking, her mind struggling to catch up with events. “Why… how… what?”
Seeing the look in Caroline's eyes, the brunette's heart stopped at what she saw - her eyes were filled with confusion, doubt, and sadness. Gillian felt a crippling uncertainty gnawing at the back of her mind. Her own impulsiveness had surprised even her, but the look on the other woman's face told her she had blown it. She had taken things too far. How could she have gotten it so wrong? With a sudden jerk, Gillian flinched back as if the blonde were on fire, unable to look at her.
“I-I-I am so s-sorry, Caz… I-“
“Gillian, stop,” Caroline said quickly, reaching out to grasp her by her shoulders. She didn’t want her to run, not now, not with what they had just shared. Her heart was hammering in her chest, her breath feeling like it was catching in her throat. She knew that she would have to tread carefully if she wanted to avoid ruining this. “Please, don’t… don’t… just… Did you mean that? Really?”
Gillian stared at her for a few painfully long heartbeats, but then looked down again. She was sure the blonde was going to break her heart into a million pieces. “I…” she started, but then halted, shaking her head in disbelief. “You have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?” Caroline said faintly, but raised her hand to gently caress the brunette’s cheek anyhow to try and offer some kind of reassurance. Her skin was smooth beneath her finger tips, and she gasped at the surge of electricity that seemed to flow between them. “Gillian, please…”
“How long I’ve wanted to do this…” It came out as an almost-whisper. “And I-I know that’s not what you want,” she continued, trying to look away. She just couldn’t face the fact that this might be it, she had ruined everything.
Caroline stared at her wordlessly for a moment, lifting her other hand so that she was cradling the brunette’s beautiful face, and finally gave in. She leant in and kissed her, a gentle brush of her lips against Gillian’s to begin with, but quickly becoming deeper as the other woman reciprocated.
The farmer couldn't believe what was happening. Her whole body hummed with excitement as she pulled the blonde even closer. When they finally came up for air, Gillian gazed at Caroline, lost in her sparkling blue eyes, a beaming smile on her lips. "Best not here," she murmured, yet found herself capturing the blonde's lips again, her date completely forgotten.
“Shall we get out of here?” Caroline murmured when she pulled away, gently stroking her thumbs down her cheekbones as she offered her a shy smile. “Go home? Talk?” It seemed the best way forward. As much as bathrooms seemed to be their haunt, this was not where she wanted to have a conversation that may change the direction of both of their lives.
“Yes, please,“ Gillian wanted nothing more than to go home with Caroline to talk – and maybe something more, she thought, when she suddenly realised Tom was waiting for her. “Oh god… Tom!”
“Shit…” Caroline grimaced, feeling a little guilty that the date, for Tom, at least, had been a total waste of time. “Uhh… how are we going to play this?”
“I-I don’t know!” Gillian nervously fiddled with her hair as she paced around the small bathroom. “Maybe, I could say I f-f-feel… sick? Would explain me going to the bathroom again,” she sighed, knowing it would be unfair to leave her date like that. He would probably be worried and call or text later.
“I think maybe it’s best to be honest… or as honest as possible?” Caroline suggested, grasping her shoulders and drawing her to a stop. She widened her eyes at her, offering her a little smile. “Whatever… this… is going to be, we don’t want to start it off on a bad note, do we? Otherwise… he might persist.”
“You’re right.” Gillian pushed her shoulders back and smoothed her dress. As both women walked out of the bathroom, Tom was looking at her, clearly worried and a bit puzzled to find Caroline coming out of the bathroom with her. As she approached the table, she saw that her date had already finished the wine.
“Are you alright?” he asked, his voice a little worried.
“Look, Tom, this… has been… nice,” she began, searching for the right words, “but I don’t think this is going to work.” She motioned between them, her voice softening - he was a nice man after all. “I’ll settle the bill...”
“Oh…” he blinked between them both, looking a little miffed, but when he saw that Caroline’s hand was resting on the small of Gillian’s back his face dawned in understanding. “You know… that’s fine,” he said, nodding firmly but not unkindly. “You know… I kind of didn’t think you were that into it. But that’s okay.”
This was easier than she thought.The blonde had been right, as always. It was astonishing that having Caroline by her side made Gillian feel instantly more at ease. She nodded at Tom and gave him a grateful smile before making her way to the bar.
“Sorry,” Caroline said too, darting him a little smile before following her. As Gillian paid she resisted the urge to offer to cover it, feeling like it was somehow her fault that she was now out of pocket to the tune of nearly a hundred pounds. “Do you want me to get half?” she offered quietly.
"No. It was my date after all... even if it was... well," the brunette shrugged and smiled at Caroline. "How about you ask me out next time and then you'll pay?" she added with a wink.
“I think that can be arranged,” Caroline murmured, doing her best to keep her hands to herself whilst Tom was still watching. All she wanted was to curl her arm around Gillian’s waist and pull her in for another kiss, but it was not the time. Still… a first date with her would be wonderful. “Do you think you’d like to come on a date with me instead, then?” she whispered as the barman went to go and get Gillian a receipt.
"I think I'd like that very much," she replied, smiling at Caroline. "But now let's get out of here." After Gillian had paid the bill, they made their way out of the restaurant. Her mind was racing a million miles a minute. What did the blonde want out of tonight? The brunette knew what she wanted, but was it too soon to ask Caroline to stay at the farm? In her bed? Deciding to let Caroline take the lead, she held out her hand.
Noticing straight away, Caroline slipped her hand into hers, squeezing gently. Being able to do so was wonderful, and she shot Gillian a shy smile as they made their way back towards the Jag. “Is this definitely what you want?” she asked again, her fear that this wasn’t somehow real still niggling away at her, even after everything that they had shared.
“Yes,” Gillian replied nervously, trying to calm her voice. Fiddling with the hem of her shirt again, she braced herself before asking a question. “W-w-would you like to… stay… at the farm? With m-me… tonight?” she added self-consciously. She knew this was a big step, one they couldn’t take back, but she was more than willing to take it, hoping that Caroline felt the same. They had danced around each other for too long, and she wanted nothing more than to show the blonde how much she wanted her, how much she wanted this.
By this time they had reached the car, and Caroline turned to her and drew her into her arms, smiling down at her softly. “I’d like that,” she murmured, leaning down to kiss her tenderly, brushing her lips against hers. “With no expectation, or anything like that - I just want to be with you. I… I don’t think I could bear to be apart, not after tonight.”
“Me, neither,” Gillian breathed, reaching up to run her fingers through the other woman’s silky blonde hair. Whilst Caroline said no expectations she couldn’t help but hope, having wanted her for so long that it was like a physical ache inside her.
“That’s settled, then,” Caroline whispered, grinning against her lips as she kissed her again. It had been the oddest of evenings and parts of it had been incredibly painful, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret it. It had gotten them to here, and the possibility of moving on from here as one, walking the same path rather than two separate ones. If that was a possibility then she was going to grab it with both hands, and never let it go.
<3