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ben pressed a hand to his back in an attempt to soothe the steady ache in the lower part of it, but it was no use. he screwed up his face in pain as the water from the shower rushed over him, doing very little to alleviate it. he just wanted to sleep, forget about this day completely. he didn’t know where this pain had come from but it was making him fall behind, making him a liability, and he couldn’t have that. he couldn’t let down his team.
the twelve hours of shift they had left to complete glared at him angrily in the face, and he wondered how on earth any of them were gonna manage it. that call had really shaken them all, and it was always hard to move on after seeing something like that.
he rested his head against the wall of the shower cubicle and tried to let the feeling of the boiling water trickling down his back calm him but he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. he needed to call miranda. it was late, but hopefully she would still be awake. he needed to hear her voice, it was the only thing that could ground him after difficult calls like the one he had just experienced. that mother’s desperate cries for her baby were still ringing in his ears and all he could think about were his own children, and he needed to know they were okay. he had to know.
he shut the shower off after a while and the bathroom went completely silent, only his heavy breathing and the ringing in his ears could be heard. after the tragedy that he had just witnessed, the silence was deafening.
he slowly got dressed back into his uniform and went to the bunker room to lay down for a moment. he was trying not to let his back pain bother him but it felt like someone was stabbing him with a million tiny knives, and every time he took a step another one would make a cut. the mattress, however uncomfortable, soothed his back immediately and he sighed in relief. he knew it would be back soon, but for now he was going to relish in this temporary break from the day of nightmares. he was still on high alert for the siren signalling another call though - it was a full moon after all.
he opened up his text thread with miranda, cracking a smile at the picture of pru wearing one of his old sfd t shirts that his wife had sent him earlier.
ben:
hey, you awake?
miranda:
yeah, just putting pru down. you okay?
ben:
i will be. can you call?
miranda:
of course.
she picked up on the first ring.
‘hey.’
‘hey.’ he said quietly, relief rushing over him at the sound of her voice. it was soft and comforting and he felt immediately calmer, the noise in his head quietening down like someone had pushed an off button in his brain. his wife did tend to have that effect on people, especially him.
‘you want to say goodnight to pru? she’s been asking for you.’
ben’s heart clenched in his chest. ‘yeah,’ he said, trying not to get choked up, ‘i’d love to.’
he waited as miranda switched their call to facetime and grinned as their daughter appeared on the screen, wearing her beloved unicorn pyjamas. the way her face lit up when she realised who was on the other end of the phone made the general awfulness of the day that was weighing heavily on him melt away in an instant.
‘you want to say goodnight to ben, honey?’ he heard miranda whisper, bringing the phone closer to her.
‘goodnight!’ pru murmured sleepily, waving a tiny hand at him through the screen.
‘goodnight, sweetheart,’ he said softly, blowing kisses to her through the screen, ‘i love you.’
miranda leaned down to kiss pru on the forehead, tucking the duvet in gently around her.
‘goodnight babygirl,’ ben heard his wife whisper as she turned pru’s bedroom light off and left the room, ‘sweet dreams.’
miranda waited until she was upstairs and out of earshot of their daughter so they didn’t disturb her sleep before continuing their conversation.
‘tough call, my love?’ miranda asked, her voice soft. she could always tell what was going on with him, and he really couldn’t describe how incredible it was, how lucky he felt, to have someone who knew him that well. who knew him so well that she could read him even when they weren’t physically together.
‘yeah. it was…’ he shivered, swallowing down the lump that had formed in his throat, ‘it was awful. the worst we’ve had in a while. all of us are pretty shaken up.’
‘i’m so sorry ben,’ she replied earnestly, ‘is there anything i can do?’
‘seeing pru definitely helped. just…just tell me you’re okay. and tuck and joey, they’re okay too?’
‘we’re all okay, honey. tuck and joey are playing one of their video games in joey’s room. i think tuck’s losing, i keep hearing him throw the controller down.’
ben chuckles at that, the image of his son getting worked up over losing a game of what was probably mario cart doing wonders at easing the anxiety that was building in his chest.
his family were okay. they were safe and happy, and he would get to go home to them later. the thought covered him in warmth like a weighted blanket, almost making him forget about-
he winced as a stab of pain shot down his back, and he was so grateful that miranda couldn’t see him right now. he couldn’t put this on her, not yet. even though she would probably find out soon enough - she could read him like a book after all. it was one of the things he loved most about her, even though it probably wouldn’t work in his favour this time.
he lay there for a while, his eyes closed, just listening to her breathe over the line. he appreciated that they could do this, just sit in each other’s presence without talking. it was the calmest he had felt all day.
after a while, miranda spoke again. ‘you feel better?’
‘much,’ he replied honestly, ‘thankyou.’
‘anytime.’ she murmured, and he could tell she was smiling.
he was so at ease that the sudden wailing of the siren signalling a call made him jump out of his skin. he had almost forgotten he was still at work.
‘i’ve got to go,’ he sighed, getting up quickly from the bunk and internally cursing himself when the sudden move made his back seize up again. he bit his tongue and tried not to let on how much pain he was in. ‘i’ll see you tomorrow?’
‘see you tomorrow, baby. be safe out there.’
‘i will, i promise,’ he reassured her, running out to the truck bay to join his team, who were frantically pulling on their gear, ‘i love you.’
‘i love you too.’
he hung up after that, immediately mourning her presence. he quickly threw on his turnouts and groaned as he jumped up into his spot in the truck, and sullivan gave him a funny look as he struggled to shut the door behind him.
‘you sure you’re doing okay, warren?’ he questioned firmly but sympathetically, furrowing his eyebrows.
‘i’m all good.’
sullivan raised an eyebrow at that.
ben sighed. why did none of them believe him?
probably because you’re a terrible liar.
‘i’m fine, i swear.’ ben reiterated, desperate for someone to take his word for it. he was annoyed at himself for letting on too much that he was in pain, he should’ve hidden it better. he couldn’t take anymore genuine concern from members of his team, each worried comment felt like a punch in the stomach.
you’re letting them down. again.
‘okay, if you’re sure…’ sullivan’s voice trailed off, and he had clearly given up trying to get anything out of his friend but ben could feel his eyes boring into him, and he knew that it was out of concern for him and his wellbeing but ben couldn’t take it right now. or ever. he had never been good at admitting when he needed help. he just stared out the window as the truck left the station and tried not to think about how much pain he was gonna be in after this call.
~
ben had never been more grateful for a shift to be over. he’d had bad ones before of course, but never like this. he could tell that the mental and physical impact of it was gonna weigh on him for days.
he sighed in relief as he finally pulled into the driveway of their home. the thought of seeing his family was what had gotten him through this godawful day, and nothing could truly compare to the pure joy he felt as he unlocked the door and pru came running towards him, her arms outstretched.
‘ben! ben! ben!’
‘hey, sweetheart,’ he greeted her happily, picking her up and gathering her in his arms, ‘how are you?’
‘good!’ she replied, smiling at him.
‘yeah? that’s good, i’m glad.’ he said in the most cheerful tone he could muster, kissing her gently on the forehead before lowering her down to the floor again. the movement made him want to cry out in pain, but he repressed it because miranda couldn’t see him like this. in pain and afraid. it wasn’t him. and he had been too in pain and too afraid lately, what with the whole falling through a roof and nearly dying situation. he couldn’t take anymore and he knew his wife couldn’t either.
miranda followed quickly behind pru, and the second he had put their daughter down on the ground his wife was pulling him into her arms. he sunk completely into her embrace and at that moment it felt like the world had stopped turning and he could finally breathe. it was just him and miranda and nothing could get to them here, no pain or worry.
she pulled back after a while, taking his face in her hands. they were warm and soft and oh how he wished they could stay like this forever.
‘you okay?’ she whispered, even though she probably already knew the answer.
ben was so exhausted he could feel it in every bone in his body. he was trying to hide it, but he knew that if he wasn't giving it away then the large dark bags forming under his eyes probably were.
‘yeah i just…i had a really tough night.’
‘i know,’ she replied sympathetically, stroking his cheek with her thumb, ‘you want to talk about it?’
in all honesty this was the last thing he wanted to do because then he’d have to tell her about the pain and that had to be his burden, at least for now. he didn’t want to worry her - he couldn’t. not now when he knew the worry of his latest near death experience at the sober living house still lingered in the forefront of her mind.
he closed his eyes for a moment and focused on the feeling of her thumb brushing gently across his face.
‘i think i just want to sleep,’ he replied after a while, ‘is that okay?’
‘of course.’ she nodded, ‘get some rest, my love. i’ve got pru.’
‘thankyou.’ he said quietly, leaning down to kiss her gently.
miranda watched as he ascended the stairs, slowly, a pained look on his face. something was up with him, she knew it. she always knew. he’d let her in, right?