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It seemed that from the day his sister was born, Zuko was pitted against her. They competed for everything - their mother’s attention, their father’s praise, down to the final fruit tart on the dessert tray. But, this hadn’t always been the case.
As tots, the pair were practically inseparable. They would babble to each other in their own baby language, giggling the day away. When Azula cried, Zuko would get misty-eyed, hugging her until a nanny or their mother would scoop her up. When Zuko became of school age, Azula was inconsolable over suddenly losing her playmate for hours at a time. And when Zuko struggled with his bending, Ozai filled most of his son’s schedule with extra Firebending lessons to make up for his “lack of talent”. But, when the Prince was dismissed from his lessons and rigorous drills, he would dash to the courtyard to meet his sister and play the rest of the afternoon away. The young siblings chased each other around in a game of tag, or hide and go seek, until the sun set and their mother called them in for dinner. Zuko loved this new routine, and hoped it would never change.
At the age of six, on her first day at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, Azula befriended just two of her classmates, staunchly rejecting any of the others that wished to get close to her. That same day, the Princess insisted her new companions come to the palace with her after school, which the girls’ parents were more than happy to allow. Zuko ran outside after his lessons, excited to find out all about his sister’s first day at school. He froze at the edge of the courtyard, unsure of what to do upon encountering the scene before him. Instead of waiting for her brother like she always did, Azula was already in the middle of a game with two other little girls. He frowned sadly, thinking maybe she didn’t need him anymore.
“Zuzu!” Azula called excitedly when she saw him, “Come meet my friends!” After another encouraging wave, and an afternoon filled with laughter, Azula, Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee were inseparable from then on.
The change happened slowly over the years, but there were a few pivotal moments that could be identified as catalysts.
First, was when Zuko turned ten. He was falling behind in his Firebending, and Ozai made sure that both his son and daughter understood which of them he preferred because of it. This was also the first time Azula understood that her mother had a preference, too.
As a gift for the Prince’s birthday, Ursa presented her son with a pair of dual dao swords, accompanied by private lessons with the famed Piandao. Azula felt envy rise within her like bile, but it waned when Zuko promised to show her everything he learned. However, this first wedge was further driven when Azula’s birthday gifts that year were new dresses and dolls, and she wailed about how unfair it was. Ozai made sure to emphasize that her brother’s gift was a consolation prize for his weakness.
The second change came just one year later. The Prince was just beginning to morph from a child into a young man, emphasized by his awkward lankiness and the new tone of his voice that was slowly but surely starting to fight its way out of his throat. Azula took notice when Ty Lee pointed out that Mai had started to blush in his presence. It didn’t help that Zuko had suddenly started to spend less time playing with the trio, but when he did, he clearly favored Mai. The envy rose in Azula again as Mai started to favor him back. Ozai’s words were getting to her, and by this time she believed she was better than her brother. So, why would one of their friends ever prefer him? This became clear on the Princess’s twelfth birthday.
Azula was ravenously opening her presents, Ty Lee dutifully by her side, ooh-ing and ahh-ing enthusiastically. Mai and Zuko were there, too, but more occupied with whispering and giggling to each other. The presents became irrelevant, and the dessert that Azula tried to distract herself with tasted like ash. It all came to a head when the pair shared an extra-long goodbye hug, and Ty Lee excitedly whispered something in Azula’s ear.
“Aren’t they just adorable together?”
The fountain incident was a misguided attempt by Azula to drive a wedge between her brother and friend. She had hoped that by thoroughly embarrassing the Prince, Mai would finally see reason, and forget this silly crush of hers. What the Princess didn’t count on was the event bringing the two even closer together. Azula fumed as she watched her brother sheepishly apologize, which Mai not only accepted, but felt deserved to be rewarded with a peck on the cheek.
“Come on, ‘Zula,” Ty Lee attempted to assuage, “Don’t you know what it’s like to have a crush?”
Indeed, she did. But she could never, ever admit it.
Once her brother was banished, the siblings’ fate was seemingly sealed. They had been at odds for years now, and with their mother gone, the chasm only grew as their father continued to pit them against one another. He’d force them to spar for hours on end, making sure that they all knew who was the superior one. Zuko’s lessons with Piandao were terminated in favor of more intense Firebending training, at a level that he was nearly guaranteed to fail, providing “proof” for Ozai to emphasize his son’s inferiority. And of course, that fateful day where her brother begged at their father’s feet. Azula felt an overwhelming sense of triumph, practically giddy over the fact that her opponent was defeated once and for all. Now, the glory of the throne was hers alone to bask in.
Unfortunately, not everything went the way she expected. Instead of returning enthusiastically to Azula’s side, Mai moped and sulked, much to the Princess’s dismay. Couldn’t Mai see that she’d made the wrong choice? And the universe had so graciously offered her a chance to correct this mistake? Azula was clearly superior to her brother in every way. But Mai didn’t see it that way, and as the girls grew older, Azula became more and more angry about it. She commanded the playground like an army battalion, making endless demands. Her friends were now her servants.
At thirteen, Ty Lee ran away to join the circus. Azula had thought the girl was joking, and laughed in her face as she offered a tearful goodbye. When Mai found out about this, she didn’t speak to Azula for weeks, avoiding her at the Academy and refraining from visiting the palace at all. When Azula complained about how unfair it was, Ozai began conducting a plan. And when the Earth Kingdom city of Omashu was conquered for the Fire Nation, he ensured that Minister Ukano received an immediate promotion.
Azula’s isolation in the palace only further fueled her fury. She poured everything she had into her training, determined to become the fiercest soldier in her kingdom. What she didn’t expect was, without her brother as a benchmark, her father revoked his praise in favor of criticism. According to him, her power was now weakness, her precision was now sloppiness. Anything she did was lacking, and she must do better. She no longer had friends to distract her, or even to impress with the things her father disparaged. It was just her, and she had to prove herself worthy of the throne.
She got her chance when news came to her father of the banished Prince’s failure to apprehend the Avatar in the North. Ozai bestowed this now honorable mission onto his daughter, who had fallen back into his favor now that his inferior son had come back to disappoint him once more. Azula thrived with the chance to best her brother again. She also knew that she didn’t want to do it alone - this was her opportunity to prove to her friends which of the royal siblings was the one to pledge their loyalties to.
Ty Lee was excited to see Azula again. The year they’d been apart had been more than kind to the acrobat, who had grown not only taller, but curvier, too. Upon seeing her, Azula felt the confusing, yet familiar fluttering in the pit of her stomach that she’d been experiencing for nearly three years now. The one that all the other girls her age spoke of when they giggled over a boy. She knew it was wrong, and shoved it as far down as she could, but when her friend threw her arms around her neck and hugged her close, Azula felt as though she might faint. If this was how she reacted to Ty Lee, the thought of seeing Mai again made her sick to her stomach.
The Princess was grateful for the distraction of encountering the Avatar in New Ozai. She could capture him now, and return home as soon as possible, not needing to spend any more time than was necessary with Mai. Unfortunately, the Airbender and his friends were able to escape by the skin of their teeth, and so Azula recruited Mai for the cause. Mai couldn’t wait to be out from under her mother’s thumb and away from the colony. And, though she wouldn’t admit it in as many words, she’d missed her friends.
Azula was proud of herself - since their time was wholly occupied with chasing the Avatar, she had no time to dwell on that annoyingly dizzying feeling that simply refused to wane. She threw herself into her training, using her inner conflict to fuel her fire. She was precise and calculated, a force to be reckoned with. She near single-handedly conquered the great city of Ba Sing Se and defeated the Avatar, securing victory for her father. She even offered redemption for her brother, as misguided as he had become. Azula finally felt truly worthy. If only the nagging in the back of her mind would quiet.
It was sickening, the way Mai clung to the Prince at all times. Azula felt envious rage threatening to boil over every time she saw the girl gently touch his face, hold his hand, whisper in his ear. And Agni, when she kissed him - Azula saw red. It was her that should be feeling those tender caresses and soft lips…but it was forbidden. It was wrong. Because, if it wasn’t, then why would her great-grandfather have outlawed it across the land? Surely, she just needed to meet the right boy.
But when she kissed Chan that night on Ember Island, the pit of her stomach bottomed out much differently than it did when she thought of Mai. It was all hollow emptiness, none of the pleasant fluttering or rushing heat that warmed her in a different way from her inner flame. There must be something terribly wrong with her. No, it was him…it had to be him. Azula was the infallible Fire Princess, honorable and powerful and perfect. She could not be the wrong one. She pushed it away, distracting herself with the joy she took in the destruction of the beach house. It was on their walk back to their accommodations, when Mai and Zuko had snuck behind a dark corner out of sight, that the feeling reared its ugly head again. Azula turned to Ty Lee, the words threatening to spill out of her mouth the next time it opened. But upon facing her friend, the acrobat leaned forward and planted her lips squarely on the Princess’s.
So this is what kissing felt like. The heady rush was intoxicating, and Azula’s mind went blank. She pulled the other girl close, hungrily. She forgot where she was, even who she was - there was just this. When the pair finally pulled apart, the Princess let out a contented sigh.
“Oh, Mai -”
“What?” Ty Lee’s betrayed, quiet gasp brought the Princess crashing back to the present. For the first time in her life, Azula froze.
“All this time, I thought…” Ty Lee sniffed, tears welling in her eyes, “I…”
“Ty Lee,” Azula managed to croak, “I’m…” The apology fell to ash on her tongue. She simply stared forward, wide-eyed as her friend further broke down into tears.
“Just…tell me,” Ty Lee said, voice thick even after calming herself down, “Do you really want her? Or is it just because your brother has her?”
Zuko had run off on a fool’s errand. At least finding him and the Avatar would be easy, since they were now apparently friends. Two birds with one stone.
Neither Mai, nor Azula, nor Ty Lee spoke his name. All for different reasons, but the result was all the same. Since Ember Island, Azula felt herself losing her grip on what she knew. If kissing another girl was wrong, then why had it felt like the most right thing in the world? But, the Fire Lord was the absolute authority, omniscient and unquestionable. If Sozin declared it, then it must be so, and it was upheld by his son, and his son after. What would Ozai do if he discovered he had two disappointments for children? So Azula worked harder, trained harder, struck harder. And when the opportunity came to rid herself of her brother at the Boiling Rock, she took it without hesitation.
“You miscalculated,” Mai’s voice was even and cold, “I love Zuko more than I fear you.”
Azula’s world flipped dizzyingly on its axis. Mai, beautiful Mai, all right angles and sharp edges, had been given so many chances to see that she’d chosen the wrong sibling. How could she not see the greatness that the Princess possessed - that the Prince lacked? How could she pledge her steadfast loyalty to the one who continued to hurt her, time and time again? How could she not see what was in front of her all along?
How could she?
That, Azula realized, was her breaking point. Any fantasy she had of winning the girl, getting a fairytale ending, was finished. She only had herself in this world, nothing more.
“No, you miscalculated!” was what she managed to spit, “You should have feared me more!”
You should have loved me more.
What was the ultimate power worth, if there was no one to share it with? Nothing pleased Azula any more. Everything had to be perfect, but nothing could be. She’d lost her only friends in the world, the only people she’d ever loved.
No, she corrected herself, They lost her. They betrayed her. They had to pay.
In an empty palace, surrounded by haunted walls and suffocating isolation, Azula broke. She nearly killed her brother, her first friend in this life, all for a father who didn’t care for either of them. She screamed fire until her throat was raw, mourning the rule she never had, the crown that would never sit on her head, the girl that would never be hers. She never stopped trying to get her brother out of the way, trying to get Mai to see reason. It never worked.
Ty Lee visited. She told Azula that she’d never stop loving her, but Azula couldn’t say the same - she had lost her affinity for lying long ago. She fell silent for a month when the royal wedding was announced. She cried until dawn the night she became an aunt. She never understood why the Princess who had always been worthy and deserving of everything else, was never worthy of Mai.