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Sirius had been waiting for too long. He was about to crawl out of his own skin.
It had been hours since James had left the room and told him to keep an eye on their compact mirrors.
Dawn was about to break.
Sirius would have gotten tired just from fidgeting if he hadn't already been spent by the weight of what he had done.
A knock on their dorm room spurned him on his feet, with relief as much as fear. He was halfway to the door when he realised his friends wouldn’t have knocked.
Their head of house was at the door when he opened it. He tried to look over her shoulders to see his friends, but there was no one else.
“Please follow me, Mr. Black.” McGonagall didn’t say anything else, but Sirius understood:
James didn’t make it.
Sirius wanted to scream, to sob, to throw himself against the walls.
Instead, he hoped: “What is it, Professor?”
“There has been an accident Mr. Black. A student was in peril. We suspect you were involved.”
They suspected he was involved. He would have been involved. He could not be the perpetrator, could he? Whatever accident had happened, Sirius could have only been involved.
He wasn’t the werewolf after all.
He was the werewolf’s friend.
Who set the werewolf on another student.
Remus.
What did Moony do?
Sirius could not walk.
Sirius could not think.
“Please, Mr. Black.”
And Sirius would be a Black. Wouldn’t he?
He had done his best to distance himself from everything Black only to fail disastrously.
A hundred years later, when they finally arrived at Dumbledore’s office, James and Dumbledore were there.
Only James and Dumbledore.
James’s clothes were stained red. Sirius refused to process that.
James exclaimed "Sirius!" It was the most heartbreaking sound Sirius heard. A confused, shocked, frightened, disbelieving, begging and silent thing, all at the same time.
Sirius managed a demanding "Remus?"
James was shaking, blurry at the edges. It must’ve been the shock. It didn’t suit him.
“Mr. Lupin is in custody.” McGonagall sounded disgusted, definitely not with Remus.
Sirius was shown a chair. He hoped he would be shown everything now. He didn’t think he’d be able to do anything on his own anymore. He sat down like a marionette, lowered down to his place in the booth.
He made himself small.
Dumbledore took his seat behind his desk; and brought his hands in front of him.
The fireplace behind James and Sirius crackled.
Euphemia (Sirius called her Effie, once) and Fleamont Potter came out of it.
“Thank you for coming here on such short notice.” Dumbledore said.
“Of course, Headmaster.” Fleamont replied.
Sirius didn’t look back at their faces.
“I'm not going to mince words since everyone here is aware of Mr. Lupin's condition. A student,” Dumbledore coughed, “Severus Snape, managed to enter the house where Mr. Lupin goes through his transformations. There have not been any successful attempts before. We suspect Severus had”, another cough, “help. Would you boys know anything about this?”
“Is Sniv… Snape ok?” Sirius was about to go mad, he had to know.
“I'm afraid Mr. Snape didn't make it out of the house, Mr. Black.”
All blood drained from Sirius’s face. Snape was dead. Moony killed him. Sirius had made Remus a killer.
“Why would James or Sirius have any information?” Fleamont’s voice was schooled. He had too kind a heart not to mourn a boy whom he never knew.
“Madam Pomfrey found Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin together at the house when she went there to retrieve Mr. Lupin.”
“James?” A gasp came from behind Sirius.
“Mum…” James broke into sobs then, all hiccups and pained grunts.
“I’m right here baby, do you think you can talk?” Euphemia was beside James at once, embracing him.
McGonagall brought a glass of water for James, and they had to wait until James calmed down.
“They didn’t do anything,” Sirius wanted to tell them, “it was me. I’ll tell you all of it.” But he couldn’t command his mouth to start speaking.
No one even looked in Sirius’s direction.
He felt smaller still.
“Remus told us where he went, for the… for the moons, and how to get in.” James shuddered. His breathing had not evened out yet.
“And I overheard that Severus wanted to go there. During dinner. As a dare.” James was lying.
A final attempt at protecting Sirius. Sirius couldn’t understand whether or not Dumbledore caught on.
Sirius would ask James why he was still doing it if he wasn’t already growing fond of this rewrite, this dark fairy tale world, where Sirius didn’t destroy Remus Lupin.
“And I hurried to the tree but Pet… but I couldn’t get in the usual way. I was searching for the knot on the tree, but then I heard the screams.
Sirius couldn’t listen anymore, he wanted to cover his ears with his hands. He didn’t though; if James had to listen to Remus maul Severus, hearing an account of it was the least Sirius could do. That, and he couldn’t move and risk attracting attention to himself.
“But it was very brief, and then I could hear the wolf, so I waited until Moondown before I went in. I thought maybe Severus had hidden somewhere, but it was only Remus and there was… there was so much blood.” The last part was obviously not for the rest of them to hear. James was barely audible, his eyes were distant, and he was shaking again. His nose was scrunched as if he could smell the shack.
“He, Remus, he is always battered after, and tonight he was just there in the middle of it, and then he came to and I couldn’t leave him like that! So I just sat there with him. We didn’t speak. We were both in shock. Is he ok?”
“Mr. Lupin was taken to the ministry for registration, after which he will receive a date for a trial. He was understandably shaken but Madam Pomfrey is with him and his muggle caretaker has been informed.” Dumbledore provided a summary of Remus’s circumstances so succinctly.
A date for Remus's trial.
Remus had dates for some of their time-sensitive potions projects. He had dates for his exams. He had dates of full moons for the coming months marked on his calendar.
Now, he would have a date for a trial. What would he be charged with? Where would he stay until then? What would happen to him if he had to go through a full moon? Did it even matter; he was innocent! He didn’t do anything, it was all Sirius!
Sirius’s mouth felt muddy and he was breathing rapidly. His insides churned. He bent over and heaved for minutes. By the time he could breathe normally again, his stomach was cramped and he was shivering. A new glass of water was brought for him but he couldn’t drink it. He held it in his hands, clasped in his lap.
So, he could move.
“Oh, boys, I’m so sorry.” Now Euphemia was consoling Sirius. Her hand was leaden on his shoulder.
“It was me, I told Severus how to get into the Shrieking Shack.” Sirius’s throat was hoarse, the words came out barely a whisper.
“I’m sorry Mr. Black?” Dumbledore asked.
“I told Severus how to get into the shack. James only went there to save him.”
Euphemia retracted her hand from Sirius’s shoulder as if he burned her.
“Mr. Potter said…” Dumbledore was about to point out the obvious contradiction between Sirius and James’s statements.
Sirius didn’t want James to lie for him again.
“I can give you my memories. My parents have a basin, it replays memories. I’m sure you have one.”
“Oh, Sirius.” Euphemia said.
She didn’t say “Your heritage finally caught up with you.”, but Sirius heard it.
James didn’t say anything. He probably regretted protecting Sirius anyway.
“Mr. Black, if what you’re saying is true, the consequence would be severe for you.” Dumbledore warned him, but even he didn’t sound convinced.
Sirius almost laughed, but he was losing control of his faculties again. He just repeated: “I can give you my memories.”
The rest of the night was a blur, the fireplace cracked a few more times, spitting out Aurors. Sirius and James told their accounts of the events. Quills hovering beside the Aurors took a lot of notes.
No one said a word to Sirius about Remus.
At one point, Sirius found himself missing his parents- his biological parents. Euphemia and Fleamont looked worn out, a look of distress settled on their faces. Sirius couldn’t imagine Walburga and Orion looking like this or looking at him like the Potters did. He hated himself for putting the Potters through this.
Peter appeared sometime during the interrogations, but he wasn’t allowed in the office. It was clear from Sirius’s memories that Peter had nothing to do with the accident . He was still waiting at the door when Sirius and James finally emerged. Sirius was surprised; he didn’t think Peter had it in him.
Sirius and James were given an hour to collect their belongings from their room. McGonagall waited in the room with them. James was given time to recover, and Sirius wasn’t allowed to stay at Hogwarts. Sirius wouldn’t be put under arrest but it was unclear whether he would ever be able to return.
Sirius was relieved they wouldn’t remain at the school. The news would travel fast, and soon everyone would know what had happened. Remus was a werewolf. Remus killed Severus. Sirius made him do it.
—
Sirius was expelled. He wasn’t sad (or sadder) because of it; he never wanted to go back to Hogwarts. The word was that Remus and Sirius planned Severus’s murder. Normally, it would be a breeze to pin the whole thing on Sirius Black, but once people learned Remus was a werewolf, no one doubted his part in it.
Sirius and James learned all of this through Peter. He wrote to them, almost every day. Sirius would’ve never believed he’d feel lucky to have Peter as a friend.
The Potters assured Sirius that they weren’t about to kick him out. Sirius didn’t deserve them, but he didn’t have it in him to argue with the people who helped him ceaselessly. Besides, he wouldn't know what to do all by himself.
James returned to Hogwarts two weeks later. He promised he would write to Sirius. Sirius was glad, he found James’s forgiveness and obvious pity overbearing. It would be easier for Sirius to make himself invisible without James around.
When Sirius stopped leaving his room almost altogether, neither Euphemia nor Fleamont made too much of an effort to convince him otherwise. He put them on edge. They didn’t know how to approach the treacherous sixteen-year-old in their house. And frankly, it didn’t seem like they wanted to.
Remus’s trial date was set a month later. He would certainly be found guilty.
Sirius didn’t try to contact him once. He had known he would never see or talk to Remus again since the night at Dumbledore’s office. He should’ve known it the moment he ran into Severus that day and told him how to get past the tree.
He thought of sending a letter of apology. He mulled over what he would write: “Sorry for ruining your life. It’s been hard for me too.” He gave up.
—
To his horror, Sirius learned he had to be present at Remus’s trial, to give an account of what had happened. Dumbledore believed it would help Remus’s case and reassured Sirius he wouldn’t be in trouble. It was a childish prank, Sirius didn’t kill Severus. I just told him how to off himself on a moonlit night , Sirius thought.
To his relief, he saw Remus only for a second before Remus was maniacal and had to be escorted out. Sirius wouldn’t have been able to speak in front of him, even though he knew that he deserved it.
A part of Sirius wanted Remus to be able to stay, to see Sirius Black for himself. But that part was quickly snuffed out by another that convinced Sirius this was for the best. He realised he wanted to see Remus for selfish reasons. Absolution through abhorrence.
Besides, Remus didn’t have to see Sirius, Sirius made sure he was undeniably ingrained in Remus’s life.
Dumbledore ensured Remus was tried as a child. He made the case Remus was not himself at the moment of the murder. He pulled a lot of strings so Remus would get a lesser sentence. In the end, Remus was sentenced to twelve years in Azkaban.
—
In the years until their graduation, only James and Peter kept in touch with Sirius. He received a lot of letters signed ‘Prongs and Wormtail’. He didn’t expect or dare to hope otherwise.
James wanted to keep the letters short and happy. Sirius had to persuade him to not hold back. The agony of reading the consequences of his actions was exquisite.
The tension between Gryffindor and Slytherin was insurmountable when James first went back. Then Gryffindors held a vigil for Severus with other houses. It seemed Sirius brought inter-house peace for a while.
There were protests against the administration for harbouring a werewolf. Some parents threatened to take their kids but they never did.
After the initial shock subsided, their friends stopped talking about the tragedy. The remaining sentiment seemed to be disbelief and sorrow.
Sometime in their sixth year, Lily and James started dating.
Lily failed to believe Remus could do such a thing and was inconsolable from losing two of her best friends at the same time, and how. James eventually had to tell Lily the truth.
She almost broke up with James over it. “Don’t be upset! We made up just about immediately!” James wrote.
Lily promised not to tell anyone else but also never wanted to see or hear about Sirius, ever again.
Sirius moved out of the Potter Manor as soon as he was of age and had access to his inheritance. Potters were anxious about leaving Sirius alone, but also relieved he was leaving them.
He had gotten a job apprenticing for a muggle bike repair shop. He kept it after moving out. He felt ashamed he was enjoying it.
He almost never practised magic, at home or at work.
—
James and Lily got married sometime after graduation. Sirius wasn’t invited to the wedding.
James and Peter visited Sirius to celebrate, just the three of them. James showed him their wedding photos. They drank and talked all night. Sirius felt genuinely happy for the first time in years. He imagined himself at the wedding for the rest of the week.
About a year and a half after the wedding, James and Lily had a baby. Sirius sent the baby a plush dog as a gift, with the hopes that Lily would not set it aflame. He received a message from James that she didn’t, and baby Harry loved it. Sirius loved baby Harry back.
For Harry’s first birthday, Sirius bought him a broomstick. He received back an affectionate “Don’t push it, mate.” James told Sirius how he almost wore Lily down and could soon bring Harry with him to visit. Sirius couldn’t wait.
Sometime after Harry’s birthday, Peter visited Sirius alone to tell him the war had gotten worse, and James and his family had to go into hiding. Sirius forgot the wizarding world was at war. It wasn’t like Peter or James could tell him what they were doing for the Order.
Peter explained to him what had happened, and what had to happen, and that James couldn’t contact Sirius for a while. He also told Sirius he believed they would win the war soon, but could not provide any details. Sirius was so thankful for Peter and proud of his friend.
—
Sirius didn’t hear from James at all for the next ten months, and heard from Peter only sporadically, usually a few reassuring sentences by his patronus that they were all fine.
Ten months later, James and Peter showed up at his door, with Harry. The war was over.
Sirius had not cried in six years.
Sirius didn’t look up once from Harry at his friends, while they told him of the heroics of Peter and Regulus. Apparently, Peter infiltrated the Death Eaters as a spy, and Regulus was his informant. Once Regulus found out about Voldemort’s horcruxes (“What are horcruxes?” Sirius asked, from the rug where he and Harry had made themselves comfortable), it was just a matter of time before the Order pooled all available resources to hunt and destroy them (“We were lucky to have Alastor, Dumbledore was a mess by the end.” Peter laughed, beer bottle at hand.)
Sirius’s heart swelled; his brother helped win the war. His best friend was a war hero. Most importantly, they had survived the war. He had never thought of contacting his brother as an option until now, but he resolved to at least write to him.
When it was time for them to leave, Sirius didn’t want to let go of the toddler. James couldn’t promise visits with Harry would become a regular occurrence, but he assured Sirius it would happen again.
—
Sirius could never forget the date of Remus’s release, despite his conscious efforts to not think of him.
It had gotten ever so slightly easier over the past twelve years. The fact that Sirius could not picture Remus anymore helped. He must be a completely different person.
Sirius was too scared to ask about Remus, during the first few months after his release.
And when he finally had the courage, he had to get James drunk to pry any information out of him.
James and Lily had picked Remus up.
“But he wasn’t so bad considering…” James stopped mid-sentence. Apparently, he wasn’t drunk enough.
“Considering his best friend destroyed his life?” Apparently, Sirius was.
“Considering he spent twelve years in Azkaban. Don’t do this to yourself, Sirius.”
“Well, it’s the truth.”
“And we can’t do anything about it now.”
“Case closed.”
“Don’t be an arsehole. Do you think this has been easy for me? Every part of my body screamed at me that I should hate you, for years! But I saw how much you hated yourself, and there isn’t anything worse than that that I can do to you, is there?”
“What if I stopped hating myself?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know if these things have an expiration date. I guess I’d be resentful for a bit. But I kept talking to you for years, so I don’t know what that says about me either. So, let’s just please not talk about it today.”
“As if we ever do.”
“What do you want me to do Sirius? Berate you? Lock you in here behind me? It’s too late for all of that, don’t you think?”
“Tell me about him.”
“What?”
“Tell me about him, but don’t spare me the bad bits.”
“I’m not cruel or in a position to exonerate you.”
“You wrote to me for years about the great time you were having at Hogwarts.” Sirius sneered.
“For fuck’s sake Sirius, you wanted me to! I didn’t do it to punish you; I thought you wanted to live vicariously through me!”
“I’m sorry to say, it wasn’t that. I’ll ask just this once, tell me about him, and I promise I’ll never mention him again. Not as punishment, just out of curiosity.”
James sighed.
Remus was thin as a twig when they picked him up, but infinitely taller. He stayed with James and Lily before moving in with a muggle friend. They had to be really good friends, James guessed, because Remus didn’t have a job yet, and his friend didn’t seem particularly well off, but he was happy to take Remus in. Remus was as stubborn as ever and didn’t accept any money from James, even though James assured him it was a loan until he got back on his feet. He was looking for a job, but it wouldn’t be easy. Lily tried to convince him going back to school was an option. He didn’t talk about his time in Azkaban, not even a word. He wanted nothing to do with the magical world, but the transformations made it tricky. Peter was trying to find a way for them to accompany Remus during full moons. Remus was all thumbs with Harry, but he could read to him for hours. And when he found out James was visiting Sirius today, he was crestfallen and made James swear they wouldn’t talk about him.
At some point James let it slip that Lily put away Harry’s plush dog before they brought Remus home, and how sometimes Remus screamed in his sleep and freaked Harry out.
They cried and laughed and cried some more as James talked, and when he stopped, Sirius thanked him and kept his promise.