Chapter Text
Sasuke always figured Itachi would be the one to kill him if Sasuke didn’t kill him first.
But he hadn’t expected it to happen on his first goddamn mission outside the village.
Itachi was-
His worst nightmare.
He haunted his dreams and didn’t even have the decency to leave him alone when he was awake—his image in his head his every waking moment too. The red of the Sharingan against a black sky. His parents blood—and that of his cousins and aunts and uncles—still dyeing his clothing.
“You’re weak Sasuke.”
His brother.
The person that always listened to him even when his father was being distant. That picked him up from school whenever he wasn’t on a mission. That carried him home on his back when Sasuke twisted his ankle. That was never anything less than patient and understanding with him.
Why why why why why why why why-
-staring at him.
“Sasuke,” he intoned simply, face a cool mask.
The person with Itachi glanced between the two of them, shark like teeth peaking out when talked. “What? You two know each other?”
Sasuke couldn’t have answered if he wanted too. His feat felt frozen to the ground. He wanted revenge but not now- not when he was so weak- not when he couldn’t win-
“Sasuke-kun?” Sakura asked shakily and Sasuke grit his teeth in annoyance at the reminder of his teammates.
“Sasuke?” Naruto parroted far too loudly into the silence, for once not looking 100% confident about something.
At least the drunk was staying quiet for once.
His teammates were looking at him and their Sensei—pathetic though Ebisu was—was unmoving on the ground after one look from Itachi. Sasuke was supposed to be the best in their class and yet it felt like there was nothing he could do.
“He’s my little brother,” Itachi said at last, after what felt like an eternity.
Sasuke wanted to scream.
“Brother?!” Naruto sputtered out, glancing between the two of them rapidly. “I didn’t know you had a brother Sasuke!”
As if he knew anything about him in the first place.
“Really?” Itachi’s companion said, sounding perhaps only mildly invested in the conversation. “I heard the entire Uchiha Clan was killed though. By you,” he tagged on almost like an afterthought despite the weighty way he said it.
Itachi didn’t respond. He hadn’t looked away from Sasuke the entire time.
Naruto sucked in a sharp breath, always too loud. Sasuke wanted to yell at him to shut up.
The tension in the area only seemed to climb and Sasuke felt like he was going to buckle under the weight. His hands inched towards his kunai pouch. If he was going to die anyway then- at least-
Someone stumbled into the clearing grumbling.
“-why is there so much mist. We’re not in Kiri for-“ He paused as he seemed to take in the situation. “You have got to be kidding me,” the man said flatly.
Deep, twisted scars were covering half his face with an eyepatch on the side of his face without the scars. How did that even work?
Another person with white hair emerged next to him. His visible eye—because he also had one covered, along with two thirds of his face—took in the situation almost lazily, looking bored. His hands were still in his pockets.
“Well,” he drawled, managing to sound supremely unimpressed, “this is an interesting turn of events.”
Itachi turned him. “Kakashi Hatake and Obito Uchiha,” he greeted and- what?
Sasuke’s mind raced at the implication even as dark haired man’s—the Uchiha’s???—face twisted into a grimace.
“Well fuck you too,” he said, to Itachi of all people.
Sasuke let out a strangled noise that might have been a wheeze.
The white haired man with him chuckled. “Maa, were you even trying to keep it a secret at this point?”
“Shut up Bakakashi.”
This was not how Obito wanted his day to go.
(“Wave?” Obito repeated in confusion as he bit into his dumpling. “You mean things actually happen there?”
Kakashi elbowed him, blinking innocently when Obito glowered at him.
The trader nodded, willfully ignoring their byplay. “We used to do a lot of trade with them but ever since Gato took over shipping there it’s become completely shut off. There are whispers that it's gotten pretty bad over there but no one can really confirm anything.”
Kakashi hummed thoughtfully next to him, tossing his dumpling up and down idly. Still stubbornly unwilling to let anyone else have even a glimpse of his face, even to eat.
“Sounds up our alley,” he commented airily.
“Evil dictator and all,” Obito added with a grin.
The trader looked between them, cautiously hopeful. “So you’ll go?”
Kakashi shrugged. “Why not?” He asked flippantly. “That dumpling was pretty good.” Obito hadn’t even noticed when he’d eaten it.
He nodded in agreement. “Besides, we’re not dying in Wave of all places.”)
Famous last words. Of course, in his defense, he hadn’t expected Wave to have Itachi. He felt like he could be forgiven for the oversight.
“What?” Itachi’s partner (Kisame, according to Itachi’s updates) said. “You missed another one in your massacre?”
Itachi didn’t deign that worthy of a response, for obvious reasons.
“Why are you even here?” Obito asked incredulously because what were the chances honestly?
It was Kisame that answered. “Gato hired us.”
Right. That figured. His mind raced.
Three genin, an unconscious sensei, and an old man (the client?). Itachi was undercover right now so Obito couldn’t expect any obvious help from that corner.
“S-Class nin are paid to fight genin these days?” Kakashi piped up drily, stalling.
Obito could kiss him.
Kisame grinned, his smile all teeth. “Well, missing nin have to pay the bills somehow right?” He added a shrug. “You guys should get it.”
“Sure,” Obito chirped. “If you suck.”
Kisame’s smile shrank. “Hah,” he barked out in a poor imitation of a laugh, sounding not at all amused. He hefted his sword up.
What was with Kiri-nin and giant swords? Were they compensating for something? Obito should ask Zabuza next time he saw him. It’d probably piss him off.
“Let’s see if you can put your money where your mouth is.”
It was a stalling battle more than anything else.
The goal wasn’t to win—Obito wasn’t even sure if he could manage that in a real fight against Itachi, who’s technique was so faultless and had so many traps and layers it made Obito want to punch him on principle. And that was with Itachi likely holding back and half blind.
It was oddly nostalgic of being eleven and watching Kakashi in action. Maybe it was just his knee jerk reaction to geniuses. It could also be the amount of times Obito was almost set on fire in the last two minutes alone.
And Kakashi fighting someone with a chakra eating sword was just a bad matchup regardless with his comparatively lower reserves. He wasn’t even using his Sharingan because it would only siphon off his reserves that much faster. Probably the only reason he was still standing was that the genin, well, the two boys anyway, seemed determined to make themselves absolute nuisances to Kisame.
Honestly these two were probably the worst matchups possible for them. It was almost impressive.
So. If winning wasn’t an option than they could only make themselves more trouble than they’re worth.
Itachi seemed to be following his idea. “Enough,” he said at last and the whole clearing came to a standstill. He hadn’t even needed to raise his voice. “Kisame, let’s go.”
“What? We’re leaving?” He asked, lowering his weapon.
“If Gato wants them gone so badly then we’ll require a greater pay, otherwise this is a waste of our time,” Itachi said flatly.
Obito bit back the urge to cheer.
Kisame laughed. “Ever practical huh?” He grinned jauntily. “Let’s do this again huh?”
“Pass,” Kakashi said immediately.
“Pass,” Obito followed up.
If he never had to fight Itachi and his sneaky cheating tricks ever again it’d still be too soon.
Kisame barked out another laugh and then they were gone.
“Well,” Obito said at last to the bedraggled genin. “That could’ve gone worse.”
Someone snorted. No one looked impressed.
Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “Their sensei is virtually comatose.” He nudged said sensei with his foot.
“But not dead,” Obito was quick to point out.
“I’m not sure that makes it much better,” Kakashi said mildly.
And then straight up passed out. Bastard always had to have the last word.
“Right,” Obito said into the silence after he caught him. It stretched on.
What comforted kids again? Distractions? Normalcy? Obito could do that. He could be so normal about this. And he’d been told he was very distracting.
“C’mon grab your sensei. We won’t get anywhere like this,” Obito ordered as he hoisted Kakashi onto his back.
“You’re coming with us?!” The genin in bright orange—what was the academy even teaching these kids—asked excitedly.
“Why not,” Obito asked rhetorically. “I don’t have anything better to do and my partner needs to rest somewhere.”
Plus the idea of leaving a couple of genin alone, without even their sensei being conscious, with two absurdly powerful missing-nin lurking in the area (that weren’t him and Kakashi he meant) rubbed him the wrong way.
“So. Who are you brats?” Obito asked once they’d finally gotten their sensei situated on a stretcher fashioned from their tent and begun walking.
“I’m Naruto Uzumaki!” The orange one announced like he’d just been waiting for his cue, jostling their sensei and earning a scolding from his teammates.
Obito choked upon hearing it, doing a double take. He did have Kushina’s face with Minato-sensei’s coloring. Oh god. Oh fuck. He was not in any way prepared to be dealing with this right now.
And of course Kakashi was unconscious for this bit of mind fuckery, the asshole. Somehow he must have done this on purpose, Obito decided.
“And I’m going to be the Hokage!” Minato-sensei’s son finished with a beaming grin as if that wasn’t a kick to the ribs.
“I know I asked and all,” Obito said trying not to look and feel like he was hyperventilating, “but did no one ever get around to teaching you about stranger danger?”
Wait.
Maybe that was a bit too tactless to say to an orphan. Fuck, who was even taking care of Naruto? Jiraiya was off being a useless perv (and spying but details), Kakashi and him were missing-nin doing very important world saving things when they weren’t making enemies out of the Hidden Villages (not to mention they were only 14 when Minato-sensei died), and Sarutobi had been busy being the Hokage (not that Obito would have trusted him to take care of a plastic plant at this point in time).
Was anyone taking care of Naruto?
Obito suddenly had many concerns he hadn’t had not even five minutes ago.
Naruto only wrinkled his nose at him though so… crisis adverted? “You saved us!” He protested with flawless logic—absolutely no way for that to be used against him.
Obito snorted to himself. Sure, and Madara hadn’t wanted to use him.
“How are you guys still alive,” Obito asked the world at large. Snark was how he coped thanks for noticing.
The girl—Pinky—brushed some hair behind her ear. “Well it is only our first C-Rank,” she offered a bit hesitantly.
Obito’s eyebrows shot up. “And you ran into two-“ Well, four if you counted him and Kakashi. “-S-Ranked missing-nin?”
It was almost impressive how appalling their luck was.
Pinky bobbed her head in confirmation.
“And I thought only mine and Kakashi’s luck was that bad,” Obito mused.
“I thought his name was Bakakashi?” Naruto wondered aloud with a confused frown.
Obito choked again.
Pinky hit his head. “Weren’t you listening earlier? The blue guy called him Kakashi Hatake.”
Blue guy, Obito thought hysterically, coughing. “Okay, lets lay down some ground rules. For starters, I’m the only one allowed to call Kakashi that,” he decided executively. “Second, I still need the rest of your names,” he prodded unsubtly.
Pinky blushed bashfully. “Oh! I’m Sakura Haruno.”
“Tazuna. Bridge builder,” was all the old man offered. Probably for the best considering the stench of alcohol coming from him.
The lack of trauma associated with those names was a goddamn relief.
Their brooding teammate gave Obito a long searching look that didn’t bode well. “Sasuke Uchiha.”
Obito had clearly spoken too soon. Sage of Fucking Six Paths. There was a lot to unpack there.
For someone who’s entire clan was supposed to be wiped out Obito has been having far too many awkward family reunions.
“… Right.” It was at that point Obito just decided it was best to give up.
Clearly the day was beyond salvaging.