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Haejoon and Eunyung are no longer talking.
For about a month, they got along surprisingly well without any artificiality between them. Since Haejoon is trying to cut back on his aggressive tendencies and Eunyung began to get his life together, their dynamic naturally turned less hostile. If anything, they’re more amicable than ever. Eunyung got into the habit of bringing Haejoon snacks sometimes after school on top of making him breakfast, and Haejoon tried his best to help Eunyung learn how to study. Any disagreements they had were minor, and they were at a point in their lives that made them capable of resolving such things without any of the violence that was once so typical a year ago. Nobody said it came easy to them, but they could at least use their words like ordinary people.
Their newfound friendliness was the problem. Underneath the constant turbulence their relationship had shared, something was buried. Haejoon knew what that thing was to him– simply put; it was love. Somehow, he had fallen in love with Eunyung Baek. He didn’t understand how he’d fallen for the idiot who stole his wallet, or what of his qualities he’s come to appreciate so much. He only knew that Eunyung made him feel a way nobody else ever had, and it's been this way for a long while. Now that they weren’t constantly at each other's throats trying to prove something to the other, it became harder for Haejoon to rationalize and ignore that feeling.
Their shared proximity morphed these buried feelings into something intense, something ineffable. Every week, it felt as if more unspoken tension festered within that room. They felt it grow whenever Haejoon held his gaze on Eunyung’s face for several seconds too long, or put his hand on his thigh to stop him from bouncing his leg while they studied. It might’ve been mostly his fault, but the tension became so palpable he couldn’t stand it anymore.
It happened a week ago. Haejoon was forcing Eunyung to do some late-night studying, the overachieving bastard he is. Eunyung grew agitated due to Haejoon’s constant corrections and frustrated with his own academic incompetence. Haejoon could tell Eunyung needed to hear something to keep him from going crazy. Telling Eunyung to calm down usually irritates him more, so he opts for something different that evening. He must’ve been so exhausted he wasn’t thinking straight because he forwent all sense of personal boundary, leaned a little too close to Eunyung, and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Don't give up. You’re more than capable of answering these.” Haejoon whispered, trailing his hand down to Eunyung's upper back. “Trust me, Eunyung. I don't expect you to get everything right on the first try, but that's why we're here. So you can learn to. I wouldn't put you through this if I didn't believe in you.”
"Yeah, alright, I uh– I got it. Thanks." Eunyung gulps.
They were close enough to feel the subdued breath of the other. Haejoon's gaze fell to Eunyung’s lips and didn't let go. A month's worth of unrestrained longing was driving him crazy. He wanted to kiss Eunyung. Needed to kiss him all over, show him just how much he loves him, and prove his belief in the other boy through actions instead of mere words. Haejoon's shoulders tensed like a wolf readying to pounce, but he stopped himself. He didn’t think Eunyung would appreciate being kissed out of nowhere– much less by him.
"What are you…?" Eunyung blinks.
"Huh?"
Eunyung’s eyes flicker from Haejoon’s lightly parted mouth to his dark eyes as he sighs, his salty breath hot on Haejoon’s face.
"I can see you staring, dumbass. Are you going to stop being a fucking coward?"
"Coward? Wha–what are you talking about?" Haejoon stammered, his tone unconvincing. Unlike Eunyung, he was never good at acting.
Eunyung squinted at him, golden eyes staring daggers into his skull.
"God, I can't fucking stand you." He grumbled, then grabbed Haejoon by the chin and went for the kiss himself. It was uneventful and quick. Haejoon was caught too off-guard to kiss back, but lord knows how badly he wanted to. When Eunyung pulled away, he didn’t look Haejoon in the eye. He only put his fingers over his lips and stared emptily at the textbook. Haejoon didn’t look at him either, stuck in a shocked daze before getting out of his chair and rushing to take a shower. Only now does he understand the sort of impression that’d give off. Wordlessly leaving the room likely came across as angry, but…
Eunyung kissed him first. He knew how Haejoon felt, didn’t he?
They haven’t talked in the week since, but Haejoon has sworn that the portions of breakfast Eunyung serves him have increased in size. Even so, he wonders if Eunyung regrets what he did. Amid all this strained silence, Haejoon starts to regret ever having wanted to kiss him in the first place. They’d still be on speaking terms if not for him and his stupid, uncontrollable yearning. He’d rather never have kissed him than be kissed out of pity and sent to this no-contact hell.
Haejoon groans to himself as he slaves over a math textbook at his desk, his stress rendering him unable to focus on his work. As if he knew Haejoon couldn’t stop thinking about him, Eunyung loudly bursts through the door, unafraid to make his presence known. He got back home late– must’ve stayed out for work. Haejoon is too ashamed to face him, so he scoots his chair closer to his desk and lowers his posture, trying to make himself as invisible as possible. He can hear Eunyung take off his hoodie and toss it on his bed, then pull out chips from his bag, which he chews through obnoxiously. Haejoon tries desperately to ignore the noise, but it's like Eunyung is doing this on purpose. He hates it. He wishes things could go back to the way things were. Haejoon shudders and grabs at his hair, trying to concentrate on the equations in front of him. They're all indecipherable, blending together, his eyes unfocusing as he loses himself in thought.
“Hey, Haejoon.”
Startled, he whips his head back to the bed– Eunyung sits on the lower bunk, his face like stone.
“What?”
“You’ve been looking at me like you’re unsatisfied with me.” He rests his chin on his hand. “I know what you want.”
“Um,” Haejoon shudders. “I’m not sure what you mean?”
“You want me,” Eunyung shrugs like it’s nothing. “We both know that. I’m not blind, dude. I can read your face, as miserable as it looks half the time. We’ve already kissed once, so what’s stopping us from doing it again?”
“You haven’t talked to me in a week, and this is the first thing you ask me?”
“You’re the one that stopped talking to me, not the other way around.”
“What? No. I didn’t talk to you because you didn’t talk to me .”
“For the love of— okay, whatever! That’s irrelevant! That’s not what I’m fucking getting at!”
“Then what are you getting at? Spit it out already!” Haejoon clenches the top of his chair, his brows furrowed.
Eunyung’s legs bounce restlessly as he pats the space on the bed beside him. “C’mere.”
“Why??”
“Stop asking me questions and do it.”
Haejoon sighs heavily, rubbing his forehead while stepping over to sit beside him. His gaze darts in every direction except Eunyung’s face, and his shoulders are taut and withdrawn. Eunyung puts a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey. Calm down. I’m not actually gonna, like, do anything weird… I just want you to touch me, I guess.” Eunyung grimaces. “Eugh, that sounds so fucking gross— but seriously, nothing more than that. You’ll be fine.”
“God, this is so fucking sudden, too fucking sudden… What do you even mean?"
“Don’t make me fucking elaborate, Haejoon.” Eunyung winces, fidgeting with his fingers.
"I can make it easy for you and just put my hands on your face or something…" Haejoon mumbles, staring at the floor.
Eunyung sighs, a glower of self-loathing contorting his face. “No. Everywhere.”
“Wait. You want me to touch you,” Haejoon breathes, finally looking Eunying in the eye. “Everywhere?”
“ Yes , that’s what I said. Don’t make a big fucking deal out of it.”
“I’m not going to, it's that… This is really… A week goes by, and you don’t say shit, and then out of fucking nowhere, you want me to do this to you?”
“You think I’m gonna be all fine and dandy when you walk out on me after I kiss you? Hell, if it wasn’t for the way you looked at me like a kicked dog, I would’ve never said shit to you again!”
“Fuck you mean 'like a kicked dog?’”
“Y’know. All sad and pathetic like you miss me.”
Haejoon's shoulders slump. “Damn. Am I that obvious?”
“Yeah, Haejoon. Yeah, you are. Now, are you in or not?”
Haejoon hesitates. He’s finally getting what he wanted, but is this really okay? The circumstances behind this are so strange, and it’s all happening so quickly. He observes Eunyung’s expression, which seems like he’s trying to keep his composure, too. Maybe they both feel the same way– nervous, but eager to feel loved. He can try, if nothing else.
“Okay.” He nods.
“... You sure?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Just… I haven’t done anything like this before.” Haejoon gives the boy a small, anxious smile. “Sorry, I’m nervous. By the way, when you say everywhere, you don’t mean, uh…?”
“What? Of fucking course not, Haejoon. Gross.” Eunyung scowls. “Get a move on. Here, I'll help.”
Eunyung grabs Haejoon’s wrist and places his hand on his lap, right underneath his shirt. He tilts his head and gives Haejoon a shit-eating grin. Eunyung’s hand feels like fire against his skin, but he doesn’t pull back. It’s alright if he burns this way.
“Before we… Is it okay if I, y'know– kiss you?” Haejoon stammers, his hands involuntarily squeezing Eunyung’s thigh. Asking these sorts of questions, doing these sorts of things… It’s all so unfamiliar to him that he doesn’t know how to not be tense about it.
“Yeah, sure– feel free.” Eunyung blurts a little faster than he’d like to admit.
Haejoon nods in affirmation, leaning his forehead on Eunyung’s collarbone, moving his thumbs underneath Eunyung’s shirt, and holding his waist. Haejoon drifts his lips over the top of Eunyung’s chest, pressed against his skin in a manner unlike a kiss. Eunyung sucks in through his teeth, unsure if Haejoon is trying to tease him or not. Either way, the amount of anticipation bubbling in his stomach is enough to kill a man.
“Keep going?” Haejoon asks, giving Eunyung a wide-eyed, quizzical glance. He shivers as he feels Haejoon’s breath on his skin. Once he nods, Haejoon runs his hands further up Eunyung’s shirt. His torso is hot, and Haejoon can feel his rib cage expanding and contracting as he breathes. His shaking hands move slowly above Eunyung’s chest, scared to come across as too impatient. He’s just happy to be so close to him.
“Lift up your arms,” Haejoon says, which Eunyung obeys. Haejoon raises his shirt off his body, and Eunyung looks to the side as Haejoon stares at his chest. He’s a bit bony, still recovering from the weight loss he experienced during the winter when he was stuck in his parent's dingy apartment. Haejoon is relieved when he remembers Eunyung was able to escape that hellhole, even if it meant he was on the streets during harsh weather. It’s better to be out there than at that house, getting hit and gaslit every day. But none of that matters now. Eunyung is here, in the dorms— their home, where he’s cared for and safe.
Haejoon pulls his head back. “You want me to take off your pants, too, or..?”
“It’s up to you.” Eunyung shrugs.
Haejoon freezes up at the thought. It’s a bit too intimate right now– they’re not even going to do anything serious, but he’s intimidated by the notion nonetheless. He rigidly shakes his head.
“...Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I get it.” Eunyung nods, unzipping his pants and tossing them to the edge of the bed, now wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. He goes still for a moment before suddenly holding his knees up to his chest. “If you stare at my dick, I’ll fucking kill you.”
“Have some faith in me…” Haejoon sighs. “I’m not a fucking pervert. You told me we’re not going further than this, so I’ll respect that. And honestly? I don’t want to, either. I’d be fine either way, but I thought we should make that clear.”
The blonde nods, exhaling lightly, releasing a sense of relief he didn’t know he had.
“No, yeah, that’s chill. Thanks, man.”
It’s reassuring to know that to Haejoon, he’s more than a pretty face and body. He won’t get taken advantage of, not as long as he's here. Not with him.
Haejoon hums in acknowledgment, placing his hand on Eunyung’s chest and giving him a light shove onto the pillow. His stomach churns like a furnace, hot coals burning inside. To say the nerves are getting to him would be an understatement– anxiety and excitement are a dangerous mix.
“Tell me. Why? Why do you want this? Why me?”
Eunyung’s eyes narrow, avoiding the dark-haired boy in front of him.
“... You're always so rough . Nearly every time you touched me, it was so forceful. I just wanted to imagine how it'd feel if you were gentle, for once.” He confesses.
He's too bare, too exposed– in both a literal and figurative sense. His shirt and pants are off. Haejoon is straddling him on the bed, elbow propping him up, and his free hand on Eunyung's side. They both know this sort of intimacy looks strange. Despite himself, Eunyung truly wants this. He wants to be held, to be touched and felt and nothing else, even if it's more than a little awkward. Baring his skin to Haejoon like this is scary, but nothing beats the guttural fear of baring his emotions.
“Eunyung… I only know how to be gentle cause of you,” Haejoon breathes, caressing Eunyung’s cheek. “You told me I only flaunted my strength, so I became better for you. Still, I'm sorry.”
He presses his lips against Eunyung’s pink cheeks, kissing them softly. Eunyung moves his hand up to the back of Haejoon's neck, holding him so close he can feel the warmth of his breath. It smells faintly like mouthwash… What a dork. It's nearly unbelievable he's the only one who knows how to take Eunyung, the tight knot of dishonesty and pain that he is, and unravel him with care. He sees Eunyung laid bare and kisses him even so. He's unafraid, nonjudgmental— much too kind for his own good.
“That’s not true,” Eunyung whispers. “You’ve always known it, dipshit. You’ve always known gentleness.”
Haejoon’s stare falls to his body, uncomfortable.
“... Sure, but I forgot what it felt like when my mom passed.” He brings his timid gaze back to Eunyung, softening again. “It's all you– you made me remember. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful you trust me enough to let me repay you, too.”
Haejoon kisses Eunyung’s forehead this time, and Eunyung’s mind wanders, wanting to push down the skittish fluttering built up from his stomach to his chest. He wonders if this is what it feels like to be kissed by someone he loves. Why else would it feel so natural? Why else would it feel like this is where he's meant to be, who he's meant to be kissed by? Why else would it feel so damn good?
Haejoon moves down, kissing Eunyung’s cheek, his collarbone, to the middle of his chest. Eunyung looks up at the bed frame, anywhere but the boy kissing him, as he lazily puts a hand on Haejoon's shoulder. He holds on to the other boy like a lifeboat, clinging on so he’s not swept away.
Haejoon goes to his sides, grazing his hand over his obliques and kissing his ribs. He takes Eunyung’s other hand and kisses his small wrist, bony knuckles, the joints on his fingers. He opens his hand and places tiny kisses on his palms, then lays his hand at his side again. He kisses Eunyung’s stomach. His thighs. His scarred knees. This sinful worship comes so naturally to him that Eunyung is almost jealous. He reaches a trembling hand into Haejoon’s hair, placing it on his head. Haejoon doesn’t seem to mind at all, quietly humming as he leans into the touch. It's baffling.
Haejoon pokes at Eunyung’s inner thigh.
“Is here okay with you? I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm not gonna go any, uh, further, so don't worry.”
Haejoon's face is heavily dusted with red and he looks almost breathless and maybe even beautiful and ah fuck, Eunyung is lucky, lucky, lucky, so incredibly fucking lucky. He's so used to paying physical favors, so used to women he couldn't care less about treating him like they couldn't care less about him... so to be asked such a question, to have his feelings seriously considered... he can’t believe Haejoon is real. Eunyung’s adored by someone who actually respects him. Someone that won’t only feel him up and throw him out when all is said and done. Knowing this overwhelms him– makes him dizzy and feverish. It’s exhilarating. This sickness is heaven.
“No, please, go ahead— I mean, if you want.” Eunyung nods, swallowing. His heart is beating at a rate that's convincing him he's a ticking time bomb. Each time Haejoon does so much as lift a finger, it knocks the wind out of his chest. He can’t breathe. It's too real. This intimacy is too... Happening.
Haejoon closes his eyes and then moves to the inside of Eunyung's thighs, kissing them as well, leaning against them and relishing being in his presence. He follows his word and never goes too close to the length of Eunyung's boxer briefs. Eunyung said he just wanted to be touched– what a fucking joke. The unfortunate truth is he wanted to be cherished. He desired affection– Haejoon's affection. He craved it so damn badly he doesn't know what to do with himself now that he has it. He’s losing himself in the other boy, and he doesn't know if that's good or bad.
“I know you get this a lot, but fuck , you're so pretty. It's almost intoxicating to just look at you. I don't even know how I have the privilege to…” Haejoon’s eyes widen as he tenses up and goes silent.
“God, I don't even know what that word means,” Eunyung chuckles nervously. “Finish your sentence. I didn't quite hear it.”
Haejoon blinks at him, then sits up, avoiding eye contact. A few seconds pass until he sighs, closing his eyes and furrowing his brow. He leans his head backward, probably too anxious to even face Eunyung– or that's what he thinks, until, after a brief moment of deliberation, Haejoon looks at him with a fierceness in his eyes.
“... I don't even know how I have the privilege to love you, Eunyung. To kiss you as much as I’m doing now. That's what I was going to say.”
Eunyung pauses, grabbing a fistful of the bedsheets. His hands tremble and sweat. He's grinning at Haejoon, he's grinning so damn wildly. He can't control it at all, and his cheeks ache. This elation is a knife in his stomach, and Haejoon pushes it deeper and deeper, twisting it as he goes.
“Love… Yeah, I figured that's what this feeling is. I mean, shit, would I want you to kiss me if I didn't feel that way? Why would you do it if you didn’t feel that way, too? Fuck,” Eunyung throws his arm up to cover his eyes. “Ah, fuck, I'm hopeless. This is so goddamn hopeless, so hopeless, I'm so unbelievably fucked…” he whimpers. The thrill of being loved is utterly sickening.
“Then I am, too.” Haejoon nods, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. He knows it's a dangerous move, that Eunyung could shove it off and curse him out for the crime of loving him, but he does it anyway.
Eunyung only moves his arm slightly, looking at Haejoon with one eye uncovered. “Right. I guess we're hopeless and fucked together.”
In love, too, but he doesn’t think he can acknowledge that again without vomiting. If only love wasn't an understood concept. He revels in the feeling and despises the word itself. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
“Does knowing that make it feel any better?” Haejoon asks, lying on his back next to Eunyung.
Eunyung looks at the black-haired idiot.
“Well, I guess it beats being hopeless and fucked all alone.” he snickers. “Maybe we're just fucking insane. I think we should consider that, too.”
“Haven't we always been?” Haejoon takes his pinky finger and interlocks it with Eunyung’s own. Yet another brave move.
“... Yeah.” Eunyung looks down at his hand. It's thin and nearly small in comparison to Haejoon. His hand is thick, his palm rough and knuckles calloused from years of fighting. Eunyung likes that about his hands a little too much, savoring the fact that his violent past is shown through his hands– the same pretty hands that caressed Eunyung so quietly a moment ago.
“Maybe I shouldn't be asking, but can I hold your hand?” Haejoon whispers, his voice trembling when he asks. He's not very sensitive to the intricacies of other people's emotions, but he can tell that Eunyung is conflicted. He can tell Eunyung is afraid to love him back, even if he so desperately wants to, even if he won't be able to live if he contains his emotions any longer.
“Go ahead, but…” Eunyung scratches the back of his neck. “Can you take your shirt off or something? It's mad uncomfortable being naked as shit while you're all... Clothed. If you don't want to, that's fine by me, but you can at least get me my shirt, right? Pants, maybe?”
Haejoon sits up, relieved at how Eunyung speaks to him so casually. Despite all of what he’s confessed and all he still wants to say.
“Yeah, that's alright. I'll make it fair for you. Hell, I'll even give you your pants,” Haejoon laughs, promptly removing his shirt. He reaches toward the end of the bed and tosses Eunyung his pants, who drags them on as lazily as possible.
Haejoon falls back next to Eunyung, the bedsprings creaking from the impact. He takes the blonde's hand in his own with an over-eager quickness.
Eunyung's never seen Haejoon without his shirt on.
“Holy shit,” he mumbles without thinking.
“... What? Is something wrong with how I look?” Haejoon curls an eyebrow.
“No, no, not at all, that sort of came out. I, uh…” Eunyung blinks.
Haejoon’s a big guy. Despite being the same height, Eunyung is a stick in comparison. Haejoon could probably snap him in half like one, too. He’s got decent body fat, but he’s fit enough that it’s all muscle. Eunyung knows he likes sports and such, but his body indicates he works out regularly. Does their school even have a gym? He’ll have to ask Haejoon later. His pectorals are defined, and his arms are big enough to crush an egg in the space between his bicep and his forearm as he flexes. His stomach has rolls and stretch marks, his waist is so very grabbable, and he’s beautiful, so beautiful, and the amount of blood Eunyung can feel rushing to his face makes him think he’s about to explode.
“... I think you look good!”
That's an understatement. Haejoon knows it. He grins.
“Mhm. Your face is red as hell, by the way.”
“Did you know I fucking hate you?” Eunyung blurts, squeezing Haejoon’s hand.
“Sorry! It’s just difficult for me to imagine a world in which you ever thought I was pretty. I’m not even insecure or anything. Your face is just hard to compete with. You already know I think you’re beautiful. Shit, you already know everyone thinks you’re beautiful. I’m not special for thinking that at all.”
“Pipe down. Sure, it's not an original thought," Eunyung chuckles a little. "But it means something coming from you. Probably. Assuming you're not being shallow about it.”
“Shallow?”
“Like, my looks being the only thing you appreciate. I mean, I get it, at least from people I don't really know or care about. But you know me. You know me too much, honestly.”
“And I'd like to know you more. I... Shit. Okay, fine—” Haejoon shifts, inching closer to Eunyung and tightening his grip on his hand. “I love you because I know you. I love you because I've dealt with you for so long, and I've come to value you as a person. Even if you get really crazy about things sometimes– it’s not like I don’t, either. You make me better, Eunyung. I feel... Differently than how I did when we first met. I feel like I'm a better person because of you. I feel safe with you. You're just, um...”
Eunyung is silent. Haejoon buries his face in the crook of the other boy's neck, his face too red to show.
“You're someone I'm happy to come back to... You're home to me.”
They don't look at each other. Haejoon lies petrified in between Eunyung's ear and collarbone. Their racing heartbeats are the only sound permeating the stillness. Eunyung’s mouth is agape with shock, but he leans into Haejoon’s head anyway. He’s so hopeless. He’s so fucked. Incredibly fucked.
“You... You sappy bitch. You sappy fucking bitch! When did you get so soft?” Eunyung says, releasing his hold on Haejoon's hand to throw his arm around his back and pull his body closer. “I never thought I'd hear such bullshit coming from you... I'm fucking touched.”
“Don't call it bullshit.” Haejoon rests his hand on Eunyung's waist. "You wanted to know if my feelings were shallow? Then there’s your fucking answer." He sounds upset, but his actions say otherwise. They both know the other too well. This banter is just how they roll. He pulls his head back, facing Eunyung. They can feel each other's breath again. The air is thick.
Haejoon looks into his eyes.
“Seriously. I really love you, Eunyung. I love the shit out of you. If you don't want to return that, that's fine with me. I'm cool with just knowing you. If you do want to love me back, that's cool too. We don't have to be anything. We don't have to be boyfriends or go on dates or make a big deal out of it. If you're okay with it, I want to wake up to you every morning and hold you every night. Even if this bed is a bit too small for the both of us.”
Haejoon's eyes crinkle as he smiles. There’s a sparkle in them, reflecting the moonlight emanating from the window.
Eunyung swallows, but his mouth is dry. He wants to speak, but words are failing him. He can’t find a single thing to respond with. There’s nothing up there, nothing but raw emotion. The fire within Eunyung rages and burns, threatening to destroy them both, and Haejoon is the only one who can tame it. He’s the only one who knows what it’s like to have such an emotion consume you entirely– whether it’s wrath or despair or love. It’s almost impossible to put his desperation into words. Maybe it’s possible with only three.
He places a hand on Haejoon’s cheek, parting his lips as if about to say something. His yellow eyes are bright with something intense. Haejoon can't tell if Eunyung wants to devour or declare something to him.
Eunyung ditches the speaking idea and lunges into a kiss, catching Haejoon off guard. A few seconds pass, and despite the lack of air, Haejoon doesn’t want him to pull away. Eunyung doesn’t know the full extent of it, but Haejoon has craved his affection just as much as Eunyung did for him. He yearned to lose himself in Eunyung’s gaze, longing for his closeness and warmth. Haejoon kisses Eunyung eagerly, running a hand through his hair. His caress is soft at first. He quickly loses himself, grabbing the back of Eunyung’s head with his hair still tangled between his fingers, desperate to press him closer in any way possible. Not that they can get much closer in the first place– each time one pulls away, they’re immediately chased by another kiss. A year of pent-up emotions has left them starving, craving their fill. It’s clear Haejoon is inexperienced. His kisses are sloppy, far too aggressive, and Eunyung loves it. Loves that he’s his first kiss. Loves that– as far as he knows– he’s the first person Haejoon’s fallen for.
Haejoon is his first, too. He’s played pretend with other people, two-timed, three-timed, all while never feeling anything remotely close to “love.” His past relationships were nothing more than a means to fill a void in his life, and he always left them emptier than before. For a long time, he thought this was all his love life would be like. He’d find a girl that likes him, date her just to make her happy and get some free attention, and then break up when they’re both bored of each other. He grew complacent with his supposed heartlessness until Haejoon came along. Haejoon did, as Haejoon does, and changed that preconception. He made Eunyung’s heart race and his stomach flip whenever they got too close, whenever Haejoon showed that he cared. Haejoon made him dream of a future in which they’re laughing together.
He pulls away, putting his thumb on Haejoon’s lower lip. They're both red-faced and panting like they were narrowly rescued from the sea, a moment away from drowning. They wouldn’t mind drowning in each other. His head is spinning, and he can't tell if it's the amount of thoughts racing through his mind or the asphyxiation. What he wants with Haejoon transcends the stupidity of “boyfriends” or “partners” or “lovers.” Eunyung just wants to be his. He wants exclusivity, security, comfort– he wants to live . He wants all these beautiful jewels he’s never been allowed to treasure. He's okay with loving him that way.
“I… I want to be whatever with you. Something. Anything. As long as it’s you. I’ll be stupidly cuddly when I sleep with you. I’ll keep making you breakfast as I always have and I’ll kiss you when we’re alone and fuck, I’ll try. I’ll try so hard to be good to you. I’ll try my fucking best to deserve you. Haejoon, I just… I just need you .” Eunyung looks away as he clasps his hand over his mouth, trying not to gag at his own words. It's sickeningly honest, much too sweet– and the worst part is that it’s entirely true. Haejoon made him want to live again. Haejoon gave him a reason– truthfully, a lot of reasons. He gave him back theater, he gave him a reason to cook, gave him a reason to find honest work, gave him hope and joy and love and the possibility that his life could change.
"You always deserved me," Haejoon whispers sweetly, taking Eunyungs hand off his face and interlocking it with his own.
"Let's not lie to ourselves, Haejoon." Eunyung rolls his eyes.
"Okay. Maybe for like four months, you didn't deserve me." Haejoon squints and looks up, trying to remember the past.
“How about seven? Thanksgiving.”
“Okay. Should we count Thanksgiving? You were decent enough to me prior. That was mostly... An unfortunate time for us both.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Eunyung sighs. “How does five sound?”
“That's barely better than four.”
“I seriously can't win with you. Can we go back to kissing again?”
Haejoon laughs, smiling into a small kiss.
“Alright. Just know that you deserve me now. And let's try not to make out the whole night? We’ve got school in the morning.”
“What's stopping you from skipping? C’mon, a little bit of delinquency won't hurt you.”
“Mmm. You drive a hard bargain. Maybe. We'll see how I feel in the morning.”
Eunyung grins sheepishly. “Damn. I, uh, didn't expect that to work.”
“I used to think I only had my studies. Now I have you. You can guess which one I like more, right?” Haejoon teases. His deep voice has a tired vocal fry to it. Eunyung never thought he’d see the day Haejoon successfully flirts with anyone, much less him– though, knowing Haejoon, he might actually be sincere.
Eunyung pulls Haejoon an inch closer so that their noses are touching and plants a chaste kiss on his lips. His gaze softens, staring right into the abyss of Haejoon’s dark eyes, and he thinks he could get lost in those eyes forever. He wants to get lost in him forever, and he’s so insanely glad he has the opportunity to.
“Sappy bitch. I love you.”