Work Text:
Hi Carina,
I think you must be curious about why I wrote this letter to
you. I thought for a long time whether I should give you an explanation when you clearly stated that you don't want to have any contact with me.
I often wonder what I would be like if I hadn't met you, but I am sure that you would be very happy if you hadn't met me.
You who read this letter must have received the news, please don't be too sad or doubt yourself. My departure is not because of you, and I hope it won't remind you of the death of your mother and brother. I shouldn't be qualified to compare them, after all, I don't know if I still exist in your heart.
I want to give you an explanation. I don't love you less, but because I love you too much, I want to give you freedom. I don't want to give you freedom through divorce, so I chose this method, a method that will not hurt anyone.
After I gave you the ultimatum, I kept thinking about what made us like this. Obviously, we have always loved each other and promised to never leave each other, but I am sorry that I broke our wedding vows.
Looking back on everything, maybe the tragedy between us started when I won the gold medal? If I had never won the gold medal, many things would not have happened. I might not be what I am now, or if I had been more active and not tried to escape, maybe our ending would be what I imagined. I have always been proud of my medal winning behavior, ignoring the violence I suffered because of it, and when you tried to tell me, I chose to escape instead of facing the trauma actively.
I know that my behavior must have hurt you deeply, making you think of your father, the one who made you give up and leave your mother and brother. I am really sorry, I know I have no right to say sorry to you, I just hope you don’t feel sad. If you can, forget me, forget me who brought you more pain than happiness.
I think back to the time we spent together, we used to be so happy, we were the person of each other, but I don’t know why we can’t get into each other’s hearts anymore. I really regret why I messed up our perfect marriage. I know you must have a lot of questions to ask me, I really hope I can answer them for you, but I may not be able to help you, I hope I can do it if there is a chance. But maybe I can answer one question for you, you must not understand why I desperately want to become the captain again?
I think I can give you the answer here. Becoming the captain is not my ambition. I just want you to feel that I will be safer. Becoming the captain means that I have less chance to go to the disaster site. I hope you will not worry about me so much. Obviously I was wrong. My action made you more worried and scared.
I never wanted to hurt you. I can guarantee it with my life, but I am sorry that I did it. I failed your expectations. I forgot our wedding vows, I forgot my promise, and I forgot what I promised you. I know it is too late for me to make up for my mistakes, so I hope my choice can make you happy.
I hope your future is peaceful and happy. You must find your person in the days without me, who can bring you the best. Don't think of me. I didn't give you what you deserve. Looking back, I really failed. I was wrong in every aspect. I hope my departure can save everything.
Maya DeLuca Bishop