Work Text:
Greetings, esteemed audience; it's your favorite feline connoisseur, Garfield, here. Now, you might be scratching your heads, wondering, "What on earth could have possessed this lasagna-loving cat to embark on such a venture?"
Let me set the record straight—I am, by no means, an aficionado of exertion. The very notion of undertaking anything that remotely resembles physical activity is as appealing to me as a diet of plain, unsalted rice cakes. My philosophy? If it requires more energy than lifting a forkful of lasagna, it's a hard pass from me.
My days, as you might imagine, are filled with the simple pleasures of life: concocting elaborate schemes to give our dear mail carrier a run for his money and devising ingenious methods to send Nermal, my eternally optimistic foil, on an all-expenses-paid trip to Abu Dhabi. As for a life of crime or high-stakes adventure? Let's just say that, were my own father in the picture, I doubt he'd entertain such notions, especially not with a voice reminiscent of the distinguished gentleman who brought Nick Fury to life.
And who could forget the ill-fated decision to entrust the essence of my unparalleled charm to an actor best known for his role in a certain park and recreation-based comedy? A miscast more egregious than Jon's ill-conceived attempts to switch my gourmet meals with diet kibble. The horror!
In a failed attempt at humor, this entire escapade reeks of disappointment—a stench far surpassing even the dreaded aroma of my least favorite processed pet food. One might say it's a culinary disaster of epic proportions, comparable only to the travesty of a diet forcibly imposed by Jon.
So, here we are, my friends. You've heard it straight from the cat's mouth. In a world where effort is the enemy and culinary delights reign supreme, one must ask themselves, "What would Garfield do?" The answer, unequivocally, is always in favor of leisure, indulgence, and a healthy dose of sleep.
If the situation were reversed, Odie would be stuck in a ditch, not helping.
Have you seen that dog do anything other than be sent flying by my kick or be able to do anything else but just be a nuisance.
I mean I can tolerate the mutt but I’m not going to trust him to be my friend, I mean I have a reputation, cats hate dogs, dogs hate cats.
We get along now and then but still I am not am a friendly cat, even Jon tries to get me to behave but I show him.
Sometimes locking him out is the best way to make him remember and others remember I am not to be angered or offended, something Nermal doesn’t do, yes I hate Nermal still, nothing could make me his friend even if you paid me, he’s stil that annoying little cat that is so revolting he makes me gag at how much he merchandised
Not likely. It seems the writers and producers of this fine art forgot that I am a cantankerous cat and not the picture of child-friendly animals like a certain mouse.
I just ate. I don’t usually eat pests, but this one was begging to be eaten. He kept on singing about stars and wishes, and I despise whimsy of any kind. Just ask Binky the Clown; it’s no coincidence I sent him and a few others up the river. You try being sidelined in your own show and then get back to me.
However, I do give credit to the director, as he created one of my two favorite movies, one of them being that film with the emperor, who was selfish and vain as yours truly, while also showing how he could be more than just the ruler but also more kind to his fellow citizens and less like a prima donna.
Another was that film staring cats as the main characters and not that awful Cats, but Cats Don’t Dance.
Me and Arlene caught it on a rerun, and boy do I enjoy when people who think animals have no talent get their just desserts, mmhmm, speaking of which I’m famished for some cake. Anyway, I don’t know how it works but this film reeks of pure cash grab, I mean it’s bad enough what they did to Popeye, that guy can never catch a break, they tried live action before but apparently they think people want live action movies, did you see my last two movies under Fox, those stunk worse then my litter box, take a lesson, people don’t want watered down movies that are just an excuse for brand withdrawal. Anyway, I don’t have any idea as to why anyone thought this was a good idea. I mean, people who haven’t read my comics, yes, they still print those even if the funny papers are a bit repetitive, yet I still think they need to focus on showing how unapologetic and mischievous i can be to get rid of this nonsense that people think, I, Garfield, am not a kid-friendly person; I despise loud noises; I hate dogs; I dislike energy; if anyone is taking notes, please don’t change us for the general audience; there’s enough of those like the annoying sponge who can’t ever stop laughing; anyone have a spare fishing hook or a spare set of earmuffs. Yeah, I know I am owned by that same company, but at least let me be clear, i am not a kids person, I still have nightmares about the baby Garfield, that looks more like Nermal then me, I mean what is this the 80s, where everyone did a baby version of the popular animated characters I mean the nerve, the whole thing reeks of nostalgia and I hate that, I mean if they showed the real me as a child, you be appalled by my manners or lack there of, I am a slob not a clean eater, anyone who says I am neither is an expert or they have mistook me for pure bread, speaking of which I need to find a loaf or two, I get more hungry the longer I go with this. You might wonder why I don’t spoil the whole thing; it’s just not interesting enough to speak about. If I wanted to, I could, but what’s the point of that? Everyone seems to be of the same mind. This film is not worth the hype or attention it deserves. I take my name off it, but I am a fictional character and I am not a lawyer. If you do go into the entertainment business, remember to read the fine print.