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Buck got home in the late evening, tired after a long shift of back-to-back calls with seemingly no break. He was dead on his feet, ready to maybe eat and then get straight into bed. His mind was spinning, thinking about anything and everything that he could stress about, no matter how small. Did he say something wrong to a patient? Maybe the facial expression from another firefighter meant he had done wrong? So many trivial things that he couldn't quiet.
As he stepped through the door fiddling with his keys, he realised that someone else was in the loft. He could smell food, hear movement. He looked up and saw Tommy in the kitchen, humming to himself, moving around to different pots on the stove. He looked happy. Comfy. Like he belonged.
"Evan!" Buck was startled out of his daze. "Come sit, dinner will be soon."
Buck finished taking his coat off and put his bag aside. Walking over to the table he still had thoughts spiralling through his head but maybe they were quieter. He pulled out a chair and sat down. Tommy had already laid the table and Buck was just sort of staring at it. So often he had cooked for someone else to come home, he had set the table, greeted them. It was odd to be on the other side. Why had he never been on this side? Was it something he had done? What was different now that allowed this?
His thought process was interrupted with a plate being put down in front of him and a soft "Evan?"
He looked up and saw Tommy's face painted in concern, he could see all the layers to it. Nerves. Sadness. Anger. Disappointment? Why was there disappointment? What had he done? Before he could spiral again, he felt a hand on his arm, he felt like he had been pulled back into the present.
"Evan, I'm worried." There was that concern again. "You've barely said anything, since you came in. What's going on?"
Buck could feel his heartbeat faster, his chest gets tighter, breathing felt like a chore. His words didn't want to come out. What if he ruined this? What if telling Tommy scared him away? What- Oh.
Arms had wrapped around him, his face pressed into something warm. "You don’t have to say anything now, Evan but I am here. I am not going anywhere."
Buck felt a release. It was like everything that had happened that and before came crashing through him, fighting to find a way out. The way that it found was tears, tears that never felt like they would end. Tears that also felt freeing. He felt like his mind was pushing itself through the fog, away from the spiral down.
He pulled back away from Tommy, looking at his face wanting to see what he would fine. Maybe a part of it was the spiral looming wanting to reach out, call to him, bring him back into its slippery slope. All Buck could see was Love, made with layers of concern, nerves, sadness, anger, disappointment.
"Today was hard." He finally got out. It was small and quiet but also so loud. It felt so powerful to admit that. It was another step away from the panicked questions, from the alluring spiral. "I'm so grateful for you."
Tommy's face softened; his arms moved so that one was on Buck's face. He leaned down and caught Buck's lips in a soft kiss. "Let's eat, you need it."
Tommy moved from where he was crouching at Bucks chair, to opposite him and sat. Buck lifted his fork, filled with food, to his mouth and when he had a taste all he could think was how it felt like home. Like warmth. Like comfort.
Buck and Tommy while a rocky start to the evening were able to then have a peaceful time. They ate food, watched TV pressed against each other, sharing kisses and love. They made it to bed, under the covers, skin against skin.
"Today was hard." Buck began, loud in the quietness. "I couldn't rest, all I could think were these questions that kept making me second guess everything. I couldn't stop. It felt relentless."
Tommy brought an arm over Buck's waist, pressing small kisses against Buck's neck and shoulders. "But you helped. You helped me step away, helped me stop. I love you."
There was another small kiss to his neck before Tommy replied, "I love you too, Evan. Anytime, I will be here for you anytime. Like you are for me."