Work Text:
it was the full moon. stolas was so nervous about tonight that he threw away all of his pre-prepared speech as soon as blitzø’s feet hit the stone of his balcony. worried he would lose his courage, he blurted, “we need to stop this...whatever this is.”
blitzø paused, still slightly crouched from his landing. “you...what?”
stolas tried to take a deep breath but it was shaky and much shorter than he had hoped for. “i apologize. i seem to have gotten ahead of myself.” he gestured to the open glass doors behind him. “please, come inside.”
“okay.” blitzø still sounded wary but led the way into the owl’s room anyway.
the room they walked into was the messiest blitzø had ever seen it pre-fucking. the covers on the bed were askew, like someone had been laying on top of them. several books were open and arranged in an arc, presumably because stolas had been sitting in the middle. a small pile of clothes was thrown over an armchair. little things that told blitzø that his owl was distressed over something and wasn’t letting the servants come in and clean.
stolas led the way to his couch, inviting blitzø to sit with him. the imp did and for a moment neither of them said anything. but stolas was the one who asked for this talk so he should probably be the one to start it.
“about what i said a moment ago,” he ventured, “we need to re-evaluate the deal we made for the grimoire. i can’t...” he sighed heavily. his posture slouched and he rested his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands and purposefully not looking at blitzø. if he did, he didn’t know if he’d be able to go through with this, but it needed to be done. “i understand now that in offering the grimoire in exchange for sex, i was only giving you the illusion of choice, since you needed the book for your work.”
“stolas...” blitzø began but stolas didn’t let him say more than that.
“blitzø, please. don’t.” stolas waited for blitzø to nod or something before continuing. “i proposed the deal because seeing you all these years later was the most exciting thing to happen in my life since the last time i met you, my friend, even if it was only for a day. so i chased that feeling, that high, and in doing so i trapped you in an arrangement that you hated. you don't want to be here, blitzø. you never did. i didn't realize it at the time, but you were always saying it.”
“bullshit,” blitzø insisted. “i never said that.”
stolas sighed, not sure why blitzø was protesting this. “not in those words, no. but the signs were there, if i had looked. you always complained when i asked you to do things outside of the deal, only doing them if i offered money in exchange. you never called or texted me first. recently, you didn’t visit me in the hospital even though i was there for two months. and these.”
he opened his photos and showed a few to blitzø. in all of them, stolas looked like he was enjoying himself and blitzø looked like he'd rather be anywhere else. blitzø winced.
stolas put the phone on the couch screen-down after locking it. “you’ve...i...” he stopped. shook his head. tried again. “the first time we slept together, i really thought...i mean, i hoped that you had come to see me. that, after all these years, you still thought of me sometimes.” he huffed, more air than laugh. “i realize now how naive that thinking was. you were there for my grimoire and only fucked me out of pity. it's just...until i realized the next morning that my book was missing and so were you, i really thought...”
stolas took a deep breath, trying to calm some of the hysteria he could feel climbing up his body. he wanted to laugh or cry but knew that, if he started either, he wouldn't be able to stop. he was embarrassed enough by his actions thus far and that would be too much. he was already about to fall apart.
blitzø seemed to understand what he wasn't saying, if the guilty look on his face was anything to go by.
stolas collected himself, mentally donning the most basic of masks to get through this conversation. he didn't have the energy for anything more complex. “regardless of what i thought was happening, having sex with you was the most alive i'd felt since we spent the day together as children. i suppose i just assumed that because you agreed to see me back then, you'd be happy to see me again.”
blitzø swallowed, looking nervous. “i didn't,” he admitted, unable to look stolas in the face. “agree to see you. i thought you knew the whole time. your dad paid my dad five bucks and a condom for me to spend the rest of the day with you. my dad told me to steal from you while i was there.”
stolas looked down. “i see.” he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, wishing he could make himself smaller until he was non-existent. he laughed wetly. “i was so happy to have a friend over for my birthday, i didn't think to question how it happened.” he rested his forehead on his knees. he mumbled, “i thought you wanted to be there.”
no one ever chose him. he didn't know why he expected this time to be different. his father hardly spoke to him. his marriage to stella had been arranged. via didn't ask to be born.
even his second chance with blitzø as an adult was only because the imp didn't want to get caught stealing his grimoire. then stolas trapped him with their deal. a deal blitzø hated and regularly bitched about. stolas was stupid to have missed it, or maybe willfully ignorant.
at first, blitzø didn't say or do anything. he watched stolas with an unreadable expression that did nothing to help stolas’s anxiety. “i didn't choose to be there, but that doesn't mean i didn't have fun,” blitzø admitted eventually.
“it still wasn't right.”
“it also wasn't your fault,” blitzø reminded him. he turned towards stolas, leaning into his space. “your loser dad went to my loser dad and they didn't involve either of us in that conversation. it’s on them, not you.”
stolas sighed. “but the deal for the book was my fault. i’m sorry for putting that decision on you while you were busy and couldn't think it through properly. i’d also like to apologize for every time i belittled you or made you feel less-than.”
blitzø had started this conversation rigid and tense, but he slowly softened the more stolas spoke. his face was unreadable as he reached out, running his thumb along a thin scar that carved its way around the outside of his main left eye. stolas shuddered and scrunched his eyes up tighter as memories from that night resurfaced.
“i should have realized when you didn't come visit me in the hospital or call and ask how i was doing,” stolas ranted, the feathers on his neck fluffing out in response to the strong emotions coursing through him. “i knew i didn't mean anything to you, but this confirmed it.”
blitzø didn't like how resigned stolas sounded. he wanted to say something, comfort the bird, but his brain wouldn't supply anything useful. he locked eyes with stolas and tried to put his conflicted feelings into that stare. without looking away, he brought his other hand up to frame stolas's face with his palms.
stolas swallowed nervously. his eyes, wide and unblinking, brimmed with unshed tears. “i have something for you,” he said finally, pulling his head away and reaching into his pocket. “it’s the reason i called you here.”
in his hand was a small box. he gave it to blitzø, who opened it warily. inside was the gem. “what's this?” he asked.
“an asmodian crystal,” stolas explained. “you and your employees can use it to access the human world legally and without any strings attached. it will also help with human disguises.”
blitzø carefully picked up gem. a chain dangled from it. “but your grimoire-”
“will be unnecessary for you to carry out your job,” stolas finished. “i want...” he sucked in a deep breath. this was it. “if you come to see me after this, i want it to be because you wanted to see me. not because my father bought you and not because i'm a prince with a powerful artifact you need.”
so quietly that blitzø almost missed it, he added, “i just wish someone wanted me.”
the comment went unacknowledged. for a long moment, neither of them said anything. then, blitzø asked, “what about at the lust club?”
stolas closed his eyes and sighed. “what about it?”
“what about it?” blitzø repeated, irritated. “you sat there and did nothing while they roasted me, and then when they pointed out how much lower i am in the fucking pecking order than you, you got embarrassed and hid away.” he pointed at stolas’s chest. “don't deny it. everyone saw you.”
“did you ever think maybe i was embarrassed by myself?” stolas shouted, knocking blitzø’s hand away. “that i was hiding from you, not because of you? that perhaps you aren't the only one here who hates himself?”
blitzø flinched but didn't deny it or object, so stolas continued. “asmodeus had just pointed out how much of a failure i am as a husband and a father, and i hated how true it was.”
“you’re not a bad father,” blitzø said automatically.
stolas laughed flatly. “there's a long line of people who would love to disagree with you, starting with stella.”
blitzø scrunched up his face, but when his words came out, they were surprisingly gentle. “even if that's true, you made it very clear that i’m just a toy to you.” he crossed his arms, uncrossed them, and then crossed them again. stolas wasn’t sure what that body language meant but it didn't matter.
“well, you made it very clear that you are apathetic to me, at best, and that coming to me each month was a chore. so here's your out. the gem is a gift. please, take it.” stolas hoped he would take the crystal and leave. he was at the limit of his ability to interact with other people for the day, and another minute would be too much.
to his dismay, blitzø barely glanced at the box before looking up at stolas. he closed the lid and placed it on the nearby coffee table, crystal still inside.
blitzø said nothing, expression unreadable. the silence rubbed irritatingly at stolas, like electricity just under the skin. blitzø clearly wasn’t keen on talking, so stolas felt compelled to fill the void. trouble was, he didn’t know what to talk about.
the longer the silence stretched, the more anxiety stolas felt. he stood from the couch as the electricity under his skin buzzed through his entire body. he tried to pace it out, back and forth in front of the couch. instead the opposite happened and the longer it went on, the more frantic stolas became. blitzø was still sitting there, staring out into the room with a blank face.
stolas fell to his knees before blitzø, hands hovering halfway between them as he struggled to not touch the imp until he was given permission. he looked up into his lover’s face. “blitzø, please. say something. i can’t...i...” he swallowed and sat back on his heels, hands falling to rest in his lap. “i care about you. it has moved beyond our deal, for me, and i can’t in good conscience let things continue as they are. i understand that you don’t feel the same, but i lo-” he stopped himself when blitzø’s gaze snapped to stolas’s face. he looked...scared.
“don’t.” blitzø said softly. “don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“i mean every word,” stolas promised, looking down at his own knees. “i love you, and if that means letting you go to live your life without me, then i’ll respect that choice.”
“you can’t love me,” blitzø protested. “no one does.”
“i think that’s for me to determine,” stolas bit out, irritation edging into his voice. “and if you think that loona and your employees don’t love you, then you’re in more denial than i realized.” he sighed. “i’m sorry. i didn’t ask you here to fight with you. like i said, the crystal is a gift, whatever you decide, and you are free to go as you wish.”
fabric rustled overhead and stolas closed his eyes, not wanting to watch blitzø walk away from him. so he was surprised when hands cupped his face, tilting it up and kissing him. the imp pressed down, stretching the bird’s neck until he looked at the ceiling. or he would have been, if blitzø’s head wasn't filling his vision.
the kiss ignited slowly, heat building, pausing only to catch a breath. stolas wasn't sure if this meant that blitzø liked him back or if it was a goodbye kiss, but he was weak and it felt too good to stop. if this was his last time seeing blitzø, he was going to soak up every moment he could.
finally, blitzø leaned away, just enough that he could look stolas in the eyes. “i'm terrible at this,” he said softly. “things never work out.”
“well, i wouldn't know if i was terrible or not. my one relationship was arranged and...abusive.” stolas shuddered. “i can imagine i'm going to do many things wrong, as well. we’ll have to figure it out. together.”
“together,” blitzø repeated.