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He had been laying in a field for just a few fleeting moments, truly. Laid back and stared at the cloudy sky for no more than a few seconds but the time slugged on and it was as if it had been hours, days even. The clouds had changed shape, what he once saw as a boat had morphed into a castle and it made him sink deeper into the grass below him, the time must pass much swifter high up in the sky than here on the ground in his backyard. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he made no move to answer it until the buzzing fully stopped.
5 missed calls from Sannie
Sannie: Hey where are you? We’re outside, we've been knocking for 5 minutes dude
Sannie: y’know if you keep pulling this shit we won't keep trying to invite you places :/ kinda rude as shit to ghost us like this when we have plans
Sannie: fine. Wtv man I hope whatever you're doing is worth it
Wooyoung looked back up at the sky absently. It felt like it could swallow him whole if he stayed there long enough. He imagined distantly the imagery of cracks across the sky, chunks falling to the ground demolishing entire cities. A tear ripping slowly before biblically accurate angels swooped down bringing in the end times. A zipper appearing and a giant hand reaching down and yanking out part of the earth uncaring. He closed his eyes tightly to push the thoughts away, they were disturbing and morbid, he didn't want to think about all that. He didn't want to think about anything except the sky.
He instead imagined eyes appearing in the clouds, bright blue and blinking curiously down at the humans who ran amok day to day. The eyes would blink at him and he would blink back, maybe it would be reminiscent of that tumblr post about the night sky, though he'd never seen a cat with brilliantly sky blue fur. He let the thoughts wash over him painlessly until they began to sour and morph, twist into something heinous, something he had been trying to avoid. His body remained unmoving but his eyes screwed closed yet again, this time as if in pain, as if maybe he could squint hard enough and it would all leave his mind in an instant.
Instead the thoughts flooded every corner of his mind, the images of interactions that had gone awry plastered to every corner of his mind. He sighed heavily and finally moved from his spot, getting swallowed by nature.
“You know this behavior isn't healthy right Youngie? You'll have to do something about it eventually”
Wooyoung grumbled as his imagination created an illusion of a person sitting next to him, telling him all the thoughts he had been ignoring while looking like his best friend. He knew his imagination was perhaps overly active, giving form to the different thoughts he himself had been thinking as if to convince him to finally give in and listen. He sat up and stared at the empty space that his brain had chosen to place a figment of Yeosang to scold him. The voice was perfect in his mind, there was nothing his mind could create with him that hadn't happened in reality, which drove him crazy sometimes. An imitation so perfect truly couldn't be good for his mental stability.
“Yeah. but isn't it a beautiful day to simply enjoy nature?”
“Perhaps. But don't you think your friends mourning you while you're still here and alive is sad? Don't you think they've been through enough?”
Wooyoung glares at the empty space where the memory of a smug Yeosang sat. He lays back down again and he feels a phantom touch on his face, pushing his bangs off his face and cupping his cheek before squeezing lightly. He groaned at the sensation, annoyed at his brain for recreating the feeling so well.
“You can't keep sabotaging yourself like this, the friends you have now aren't the same friends that abandoned you all those years ago. They didn't hurt you, they don't deserve you hurting them in anticipation of something that wont happen. It's not a crime or a sin to love you”
“You're irritating. Could you leave me alone, I just want to be alone”
“Youngie you are alone. That's why I'm here, this is why you hate being alone. If you didn't want to be alone with your thoughts you should've answered Sannie. He was so excited to spend time with you today, why did you hurt him?”
“I didnt do anything fucker, I would never hurt Sannie-”
“You saw those messages Youngie. Those were real. The more you do this the more you hurt them. The more they burn themselves out to try and save you from this pit you're digging yourself. They love you but that love isn't unending. There's only so much you can hurt someone before they become bitter and can't for their own well-being keep sticking around and waiting for you”
Wooyoung looks at the shade and swats the air annoyed. The image distorts for a moment before re-materializing. Yeosangs face looks wrong when it frowns, Wooyoung is not used to seeing him frown.
“Yeosangies still around”
“Everyone has their limit. It’s not kind to poke around looking for it”
“Yeosang wouldn't leave me”
“You say that about everyone. What would you do if he did?”
Wooyoung closes his eyes aggressively at that, scrubbing at them with his fists and then covering his eyes for dear life. The voice continues unobstructed.
“Yeosang loves you so much but he knows his worth. If you keep treating him like this there's no way he won't grow tired of it. You're dragging these people you love down to the darkest recesses of your mind and keep trying to hand them shovels instead of helping them search for a ladder. It's going to damage them too at some point”
“There are no ladders. There is no way out”
“You're wrong. You just need to start paying attention”
Wooyoung opens his eyes again and the Yeosang figment is gone. He hears pounding on his door. He hesitantly gets up and walks into his house to answer it. Yeosang is the one knocking, San behind him with eyes that are just red enough for him to tell that he had been crying. Sannie had always been a crier, but it hurt more seeing his eyes puffy and red because of him. Yeosangs demeanor switched from worried to relieved, and a watery smile broke out across Sans face.
“Thank god you're ok, I was worried we lost you out there space cadet”
“Hey!!! Fuck off!!!”
Yeosangs smile widened and relaxed more as he laughed.
“I'm just glad you're doing ok, Sannie made it sound like you were dying”
Wooyoung looks at Sannie, who looks down at his feet, and smirks.
“I think he's the only one who was dying, from crying that is”
Sans head snaps up at him and he pouts heavily.
“Bastard! Fuck you I should’ve left you to fuck off doing whatever it was you were doing!”
He jabs him annoyed and Wooyoung laughs genuinely. He looks at the two and thinks again that he's lucky they keep giving him grace and support. He has to stop taking it for granted. He looks up at the sky again, this time not searching for answers or distractions, just finding comfort in the sounds of life flooding his brain.