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It's an itching feeling.
Leo doesn't want to do it. He did it almost every day when they still hid from humans- stole necessities and stuff to make their life better. He doesn't need to steal now. But it's like he can't stop his hands from moving, eyes darting to see the angles of the cameras, slipping whatever it was into his pocket.
He doesn't want to steal. He doesn't need whatever he's taking almost every time- anime sticker packs for Donnie or Mikey's favorite snack or a bracelet for April or a mini Funko Pop for Raph. He can pay for it, he knows that. He has a job and people send them money all the time still as a thanks for saving New York.
But he can't stop. It's second-nature to him now and it's not the same second-nature as stealing food and dishes and clothes and blankets was. It's an itching feeling under the skin of his hands and he already imagines the best way to hide his hands just from the view of the camera and slip whatever it was inside his jacket or pocket and keep walking. It's easy for him and he hates it.
He wishes it wasn't easy. Maybe then he would get caught and someone would yell at him and it would scare him out of it.
He beats himself up over it for days after it. He feels terrible. He feels like a criminal. And, really, he is and has been ever since Splinter let them go out for things, but that's different. It was their only option.
He can see the Dollar Tree looming around the corner now like it's the gates of hell and April and his brothers are chatting about something he doesn't remember and the itching feeling grows. He doesn't want to steal but he knows the second he walks into the store his hands will move before he knows it and he'll leave with about 4 new things and his pockets will feel heavy with shame.
It gives him an adrenaline rush and he likes it. He doesnt know why. Maybe it's a distraction. It makes things more exciting with the risk of being caught. He hasn't been caught, not for a long time- the only time he's ever been caught was when they were 13 and a shop keeper saw his figure in the shadows from the corner of their eyes and shouted at him and chased after him with a broomstick until he ran onto the rooftops.
It's a distraction from his anxiety, maybe. It gives him a different thing to worry about than the millions of scenarios running through his head after every action he takes, constantly worrying about his friends and family. It makes him focus purely on not getting caught.
"Hey, you okay?" April asks suddenly, turning to Leo. He's been quiet most of the way here. And now his brothers eyes are in him and it's like cameras again and he can't stop the words from coming out of his mouth.
"You guys need to stop me from stealing from the store." Leo blurts out, and he keeps his eyes glued to the pavement in front of him. His cheeks burn from embarrassment and he picks at the dirt under his nail to somehow try to keep his mind off of the awkward silence. "Sorry, that's- that's a really weird thing to ask of you guys but-"
"What, are you a klepto?" Raph asks, and there's a teasing tone to it but Leo can tell it's genuine. Leo nods and it feels like the uncomfortable warmth of embarrassment spread from his face to his whole body. He's supposed to be the responsible one, the role model, the more 'morally correct' one, and it fills him with shame that he needs to ask at all.
"Do we have to do this, like, TSA style?" Mikey jokes. Ugh, don't remind him. They've been on airplanes more times than any person should ever be in the past year for interviews and public appearances and all the stuff that made Leo's anxiety go absolutely haywire.
"Is that why you gave us all random stuff last week and when I asked you when you got them you got all weird?" Donnie asks, and all Leo can do is nod.
April puts a hand on his shoulder. "Of course, dude."
Leo knows it's supposed to make him feel better but it just makes him feel bad. He mutters something he hopes sounds like a thanks.
"If you can make it not a huge deal it'd help. This is embarrassing." He mumbles. "I've just been doing it for a while and I don't like doing it but I do it anyway."
"I totally get it. I had a phase in 7th grade where you couldn't take me anywhere because I'd leave with something in my pocket." April replies, chuckling awkwardly. "Don't tell that to anyone else though."
"Thanks." Leo says. It seems like his brothers already dropped the topic on purpose and it makes him feel better. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. The Dollar Tree is just up ahead now.
Dollar Tree being one of their hang out spots didn't help Leo's peoblem at all. April loved Dollar Tree like a second home and him and his brothers had been on multiple occasions before the Superfly ordeal- but they'd never taken much because it had the most random stuff, which was why April loved it so much.
They step inside and Leo's hands automatically leave his pockets and he can't stop his eyes from checking where the cameras were immediately after walking in even though he knew were they were all too well.
He doesn't miss out of the corner of his eye how Donnie's eyes dart to his hands once they walk in and he feels guilt rise in his throat like bile.
The walk through the aisles is mostly peaceful. His brothers and April are way too loud for such a small store and he says that multiple times before he gives up. They're just loud.
They're walking through one aisle and his eyes catch sight of a pack of mechanical pencils. It's thin and it would be so, so easy to slip it in the space between his shirt and his jacket and keep it pinned there with his arms at his sides without looking awkward.
He grabs it and looks at it for a second while Donnie and Mikey are looking at sudoku books on the other end of the aisle and April is looking at the small notepads a couple feet away. He doesn't even notice Raph is standing next to him until he's looking up to double check the angle of the camera and he's already trying to slip it into his jacket before Raph nudges his shoulder.
"I have a few extras at home. If you need them." He says awkwardly and Leo realizes that this is him trying to make it less of a big deal than it feels like. Leo puts the pencils back.
"Oh. Thanks, Raph." He replies and the words feel heavy on his tongue and the itching feeling doesn't get any better but he smiles little and walks with Raph to the end of the aisle because everyone else is leaving them behind.
"If you ever need pencils just look at the floor at school." Raph snorts. "It's a fuckin' gold mine. I found an unopened pack of gum one time." Leo knows what he's doing. He's trying to draw the subject away from Leo's sticky hands and make the conversation seem natural.
Leo chuckles at that and tries to keep his eyes on April and his brothers ahead of him and not the small air freshners on the shelf they're passing by that would be so easy to grab discreetly and just shove in his pocket. He doesn't even drive a car like they're made for but since they renovated their part of the sewers to accommodate the bigger family, he has his own room and it's hooked up to real air conditioning now and he could put it over the vent cover.
Miraculously, he doesn't grab it. His hands feel like they have so much pent up energy that he needs to grab onto something he doesn't own or he'll end up tearing off his own fingernails.
They're caught up with everybody else now and Leo doesmt even realize his fingers are twitching until Donnie must've noticed and shoved a keychain stress ball into his hands that he's had for 3 years now and Leo is amazed hasn't broken.
Leo squeezes it and it honestly doesn't help much but it's something. It keeps his hands occupied. It doesn't help the urge to grab that small box with a bottle of ibuprofen. April's been complaining about headaches lately and she never seems to have any ibuprofen on hand- and Leo always does, he always has everything with him all the time in a fanny pack he carries across his chest that was jam-packed with anything anyone would ever need- but she should have some of her own, right?
Mikey blocks his view of it as he giggles and shoves something in Raph's face, his arm right in front of Leo's face because he's on his right and Raph is on his left. "Casey might need this."
"I'm not buying a drug test for Casey!" Raph replies, annoyed, shoving it back at Mikey. "Worst Casey's ever done is weed." He scoffs.
"You haven't smoked weed, right?" Leo asks, and they're already out of the medicine aisle after Mikey tossed it back.
"No!" Raph replies a little too loud and his voice is suddenly a hushed whisper. "Shut up. Maybe once."
Leo scowls. "You shouldn't do that until you're over 25. I know it's not as addictive as other stuff but yours and Casey's brains are still developing and it's more addictive if you start at a young age." He feels like a mother lecturing a child but he can't stop the feeling of protectiveness in his chest over his brother. He doesnt think of Raph as a younger brother, really- and he knows he and his brothers are all the same age but sometimes he feels like he grew up too fast because he felt responsible over them.
"Don't tell Dad, dude." Raph mumbles. Leo nods and squeezes the stress ball tighter.
God. Now would be the perfect time to take something. Anything. Stealing is a distraction. It makes him focus on anything else other than this kind of thing. Raph is out smoking weed and Leo trusts Casey- well, to a certain point- but what if they both get into serious trouble? Get into harder drugs? Casey isn't Leo's friend but he still cares about him because Raph does.
What if Raph got addicted? What if Raph and Casey started smoking in school and got suspended or expelled and what if-
He doesn't even realize his breathing is getting faster until Mikey slings an arm over his shoulder. "You gotta calm down, bro." He says casually. Leo needs to take something. Anything. He needs that rush of adrenaline and risk ro get his mind off of it.
But Mikey's right there at his side and he's squeezing his shoulder slightly like he's trying to squeeze the feeling out of Leo and it helps a little.
The stress ball in his hands is probably 5 seconds away from breaking. "Uh, Donnie, you can have this back." He hands it back and decides to pick at his fingernails again instead. He already felt bad enough- he didn't want to break his brother's stress ball to add onto it.
Maybe he should've broken it because he can see a stress ball on another shelf near the check out. He could slip it into his pocket and then a few days later he could give it to Donnie as an apology.
"What movie do you wanna watch when we get home? April really wants to watch this movie called Juno but Donnie wants to watch Kiki's Delivery Service. I don't really care what we watch." Mikey asks as they get into the checkout line.
It's a distraction.
"What's Juno about?" Leo asks, and April turns around before Leo can blink.
"Juno? You mean 2007 coming-of-age teen comedy drama movie starring Elliot Page and Michael Cera?" She says excitedly, putting her few items on the register belt and pulling out some cash from her pocket. "So, basically, there's this girl, Juno..."
Leo is hanging onto her every word and doesn't even realize they're leaving the store until he feels the cold autumn breeze whip past his face as they open the doors and leave.
His hands feel like they need to rip something apart but he just went in and out of a store without stealing something for the first time in ages. It makes him feel better, at least emotionally, but physically he feels like he needs to take something and run.
Mikey groups up with his brothers and April is still explaining the plot of the movie to Leo behind them and he can feel his face burn as she grabs his hand.
He still feels embarrassed about the whole thing but it's a start.