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You're not entirely sure when it started. You know you've always liked girl clothes- the cute designs they sometimes had and the way the bottom of skirts or dresses swished when the person wearing them moved- but you’re pretty sure you didn’t start thinking about wearing them yourself until you were about ten. You vaguely remember watching TV around that age and sometimes thinking 'I want that' when you saw a cute dress. You didn't ask Bro to buy you one though. Even at ten you knew that a boy who wanted girl clothes was weird. Not the cool, acceptable, ironic kind of weird your brother was; bad weird. So you never said anything about your new found desire for skirts and dresses until after you met Rose. It was a few months after Jade had introduced the two of you over pesterchum. You and Rose were up late talking one night, comparing your home lives. At some point Rose started talking about a dress her mother had bought her the day before.
TG: i dont see what the big deal is
TG: you wear dresses all the time dont you
TT: Yes.
TT: But never anything like this. It's garish.
TG: what the fuck does that mean
TT: Gaudy?
TG: oh
TG: what does it look like
TT: It is a bright pink, purple, and blue floral patterned monstrosity.
TT: Not even you in your most ironic moments would wear it.
TG: i probably would not like i have a whole lot of options
TT: Options?
TG: um
TT: Dave, do you wear dresses?
TG: no of course not
TG: that wouldnt be cool or ironic
TG: itd just be weird
TT: Do you want to?
TG: ...
TG: what if i did
That conversation led to you getting your first dress. Rose sent the one she had been complaining about a few days later. She had offered to send you one that didn't look like a Hawaiian print nightmare, but that would have meant she would have to buy you a new dress or send you one of hers. Both options were unappealing to you, though for different reasons. You told her to just send the nightmare dress so she wouldn't have to see it anymore. You joked that it was your birthday present to her. (Her actual gift ended up being a Cthulu plushie that you know for a fact sits on her bookshelf to this day.) When the dress arrived in the mail you thanked every god you didn't believe in that Bro spent nearly the entire day working on his website in his room. You were able to hide the box in your closet without him even knowing it existed.
Your first opportunity to wear it came that weekend. Bro was going to be gone all night for a DJ gig and the closest thing to adult supervision you would have was an elderly neighbor that lived across the hall. She always only checked on you once right after Bro left and then would leave you alone for the rest of the night. Not the best baby sitter, but you were safe enough on your own. It wasn't like you were going to hurt yourself trying to use the stove or messing with Bro's swords. You knew better than that.
You waited an hour after the usual check in before going to your room to try the dress on. Your first thought when you saw it was that Rose had been right; it was gaudy as hell. You didn't care though. You wouldn't have cared if it had smuppets on it. All that mattered was that it was a dress and it was yours.
You can still remember how you felt putting it on that first time. A mix of nervous/excited that you associated with the rooftop strifes you had with Bro. Much to your surprise, the dress had actually fit you. The hem stopped just above your knees and the straps didn’t dig into your shoulders at all. Probably because even with Bro training you to be a super cool rap ninja you were just a little kid and you had only just started puberty. The material wasn't anything special, it felt like some of your shirts did, but it felt special to you. It was comfortable. Once it was on you had spun in a circle so you could make the skirt fan out like you had seen in movies. When it fell back down and brushed against your legs you had realized you were grinning. You had tried to stop, it wasn't cool, you needed to keep your poker face, but you couldn't. No one could see you though so you didn't think it mattered all that much.
You couldn't see you either, and suddenly you had to. You had to know what you looked like at that moment. There was a full length mirror in Bro's room. Usually you'd never go in there without permission but this was an emergency. The mirror in the bathroom wouldn't work. You peeked out of your room, just in case Bro had mysteriously reappeared in the apartment. He hadn't of course. You were the only one home. You had run to Bro's room, part because you were eager to see what you looked like and part because you didn't want to be out of your room too long. Even if Bro wouldn't be home until after midnight and your neighbor never came over more than once you didn't want to risk it.
The mirror was on the back of the door, so you didn't look at the room any longer than it took to walk in and turn around. You had shut the door and backed up so you could see the entire dress. Once you could see it all you couldn't help but stare. Suddenly the dress didn't look ugly to you; it looked perfect. You looked perfect. Well, almost. You thought that your shades looked kind of strange with the dress. As much as you loved them, you just didn't think they worked, so you took them off. That had been much better. You had started grinning again and tried spinning around so you could see it better that time. As you turned you noticed something out of the corner of your eye. A flash of blue and orange. Lil Cal. You hadn't been the only one home after all.
You had looked all around the room, afraid that Bro had been silently watching you the entire time. He wasn't there. It was just Cal sitting on the futon. You had walked over and picked him up, holding him at arm’s length so you could look him in the eyes.
"You can't tell Bro." It was silly, talking to the puppet as if he could possibly tell anyone anything. But even at eleven years old you hadn't been able to shake the feeling that Cal was alive somehow. You trusted him though. He might have been Bro's best friend but you knew he wouldn't tell him your secret. Cal was cool like that. You had given him a quick hug before setting him back down. You didn't worry about making sure he was exactly how he was before you picked him up. If Bro had left him home then it would have been to keep an eye on you, so you were pretty sure he wouldn't get mad if he noticed and figured out you had been in here.
After that you had gone back to your room. It had only been about 11pm, so you decided to log into pesterchum. John and Jade weren't on, their dad rarely let them stay up very late even on weekends, but Rose had been on. You had told her that you were finally wearing the dress, about how good it made you feel, and that she had been right about dress being hideous. She had asked to see you. If it had been anyone else you would have said no, but Rose had given you the dress in the first place, you thought it was fair that she get to see it on you. You said yes and Rose sent a video chat request. After a moment’s hesitation, you had turned on your webcam and backed away from your computer so Rose could see you better. Too late you remembered that you never put your shades back on, you had put them on your desk when you got on the computer. Rose didn't comment on that though. She had just smiled and sent a quick message.
TT: You look lovely Dave.
That was the day Rose Lalonde became your closest friend.
******
Three years later you still have the dress. Time has not made the dress any less ugly, though the colors have faded a bit. That might have something to do with the fact that you have to wash it in the bathroom sink with regular soap and not detergent. You don't dare try to mix it in with your laundry. It’s too risky.
It doesn't fit anymore. The straps dig into your shoulders and the hem just barely goes down to your thighs. If you ever bent over or sat down carelessly anyone nearby would get an eyeful. Not that there's ever anyone around. Rose has offered several times to send you more girl clothes but you always turn her down. You're already pushing your luck with the one dress in the apartment. You wear it nearly every chance you get, which now that you're old enough to be left alone for longer periods of time is pretty often.
Tonight is one such time. Bro has some DJ gig across town and he said that he would probably be gone all night. As always you wait an hour after he leaves before you change into your dress. You take off your shades after it’s on. You never liked the way shades looked with the dress so it became a sort of tradition. Rose had gone on about how it was symbolic but you didn’t pay any attention to her.
You log into pesterchum so you can talk to your friends for a while before they all go to sleep. As soon as you're logged in you get an invite to a memo from John.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] has opened a memo on board HOLY SHIT --
EB: ok now that dave is here we can start
-- turntechGodhead [TG] has joined the memo! –
GG: hi dave!!!
TG: sup
TT: Hello. Your timing is perfect, if you had taken much longer to log in I fear John would have, as you so often put it, "flipped his shit straight off the handle".
EB: i would not! and even if i did it would be for a very good reason!
TG: whats going on
GG: oh oh let me tell him
GG: our dad is going to propose to roses mom the next time were all in new york!!!!
TG: whoa seriously
TT: John said that he found what he believes to be an engagement ring in his father's jacket early today. I have every reason to believe mother will say yes if he does propose.
EB: it totally is! i looked it up online and everything.
TG: so whats the problem
GG: thats what i keep asking him
EB: it's just weird! like, rose would become my sister if our parents got married.
TT: And that would be a bad thing?
EB: um
EB: well no
TG: admit it john youre just upset because youve secretly been crushing on rose this whole time
EB: what?! no!
GG: hmmm i dont know
GG: there was that one time you kissed her
TT: Ah yes, I remember that day fondly.
EB: we were under mistletoe! that totally doesn't count.
TG: the perfect excuse
You spend the next hour teasing John with help from Jade and Rose before they all have to log off. You know that if their parents really do get married John will be fine with it. He just gets weird when it comes to big changes catching him by surprise.
You think back to last year when Mr. Egbert and Mrs. Lalonde first met. Rose had invited John, Jade, you, and your respective guardians to come out to New York for Christmas and New Year’s. Bro had to decline since he had to do some business for his website and was already booked for a DJ gig on New Year’s Eve. It had been disappointing, but he had made it up to you by hanging around all day on your birthday.
It had been obvious from day one that Mr. Egbert was completely smitten with Mrs. Lalonde. Well, obvious to everyone but John anyway. It took him three days to figure it out much to the girl’s and your amusement. This had worked out to your advantage, since the grown-ups spent so much time flirting that the four of you had been able to do pretty much anything so long as they didn't see. Like play dress up.
Rose had convinced you to come out to John and Jade about the cross-dressing earlier that year. Jade had done exactly what you had expected; got super excited and asked you a bunch of questions about what kind of clothes you liked. John hadn't taken it quite so well though. At first he had thought it was a joke, but Jade or Rose must have confirmed it for him because before you knew it he was making excuses and logging out of pesterchum. You had been sure that he hated you and spent the rest of the day miserable over the thought of losing one of your few friends. You had almost thrown your dress away, but couldn't bring yourself to do it. The next day when you logged in John was online. He had quickly sent you a message apologizing, saying that it had just been really surprising but that he was totally cool with it. You had the greatest friends in the world.
They proved this again in New York when the girls used every chance they could to treat you like their living Barbie. You had tried to pretend not to enjoy it, but you weren't very convincing. John had even gotten in on the action by way of making suggestions. It had been the best week of your life.
You're brought out of your memory by your stomach growling. A glance at the clock on your computer tells you that it's nearly midnight. The perfect time to grab some leftover pizza as a snack.
As you head to the kitchen you think about what might happen if (when) Mr. Egbert and Mrs. Lalonde get married. Would Rose and her mother move out to Washington or would the Egberts move to New York? Probably the latter since Rose's place is huge and has plenty of spare bedrooms. Either way you know you'll be jealous that your friends all get to be together while you're stuck far away in Texas. Maybe you could talk Bro into moving?
You're so lost in thought that you don't hear the front door open.
"Dave? What the hell are you wearing?"
Your brother's voice startles you out of your thoughts. What was he doing home so early? You should have had hours to yourself tonight. Fuck fuck fuck. You should have never left your room while dressed like this. At least then you could have had a chance of hearing Bro come in and quickly changing. But nope, you had to be an idiot and parade around the apartment in a dress. Now your worst nightmare is coming true.
You need to give him an answer but you can't bring yourself to turn around. Bro says your name again and this time it's in the rarely used parental tone he breaks out when you're in serious trouble. The kind of trouble that can't be settled with a rooftop strife. You gather up all your courage and turn to face your brother.
Unfortunately all your courage doesn't equal out to much, so you end up muttering your answer the floor instead of Bro. "It’s a dress."
"Hey, look at me." You hesitate for a second before you look up and almost look right back down when you see his face. Even with his shades on you can tell that Bro is not happy. A voice in the back of your head is screaming for you to just run to your room to hide. It wouldn't work, the door doesn't have a lock and you wouldn't be able to push your dresser in front of the door before Bro followed you. Oh shit, he just asked you something else and you have no idea what it was.
"What?"
"I asked you where you got that." Should you tell him? It's not like he would fly all the way out to New York just to tell Lalonde off. But what if he made you stop talking to her? You have no idea how he'd pull it off seeing as he's damn near never home but then again, it's Bro. Best to just be vague about it.
"I got it from a friend."
"Stupid question. No way in hell you'd buy something like that for yourself. Your friend has shitty taste." You grit your teeth. Even though the dress is ugly and it wasn't even Rose who bought it you don't like Bro insulting her like that.
"I asked her for it."
"You picked that thing out?" You can't help but flinch at the obvious disgust in his voice. You really wish you had your shades right now. "Christ Dave, I know I'm not going to get any parenting awards anytime soon but I thought I raised you better than this. Go take that damn thing off. I can practically see your junk." Your face feels like it's on fire right now, but it's not humiliation causing it; it's anger. You're not going to do this. Dress or no dress you're a Strider and you are not going to let your brother make you feel ashamed.
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"I said no." For once, you're not mumbling and you're not trying to disguise your emotions. There's no point in hiding any longer so fuck it, you're going to make him understand exactly how you feel about this. "I know that's it's disgusting to you, but I like dressing this way. Wearing dresses and skirts and shit makes me happy and I'm not gonna stop. Even if you kick my ass or throw me out. Sorry, turns out your little bro is a cross-dressing freak. You're just gonna have to fucking deal with it." Bro is just staring at you now, stunned. You’ve never spoken to him like that before. A beat goes by and you know that you should be using this opportunity to run; to your room or even out of the apartment. You're not going to run. No matter what happens next you are not backing down. Another beat and Bro finally speaks again.
"Dave..." He stops, takes off his shades and rubs at his eyes with his free hand. You think he might still be at a loss for words. If this were any other situation you might have been worried. Bro doesn't act like this ever. In fourteen years of life you can't remember one time where Bro was speechless. You're almost impressed with yourself. Bro looks at you again and he's...not angry. He actually looks kind of...hurt? What the hell? "Fuck lil man. You really believe I'd think you were disgusting?"
"I...you said..." You can feel all your anger draining away. It's quickly being replaced with confusion. "You said to take it off."
"Yeah because you look like a pedo's wet dream. That dress is way too fucking small on you. How did you and your friend not realize it wouldn't fit when you bought it?"
"It did fit. I grew out of it." Your voice sounds like it's coming from far away. Is this really happening? Maybe Bro punch your lights out after your little tirade and now you're just dreaming. Part of you notes vaguely that Bro looks thoughtful now, turning over what you just told him in his head before he asks another question.
"How long have you had that?"
You shrug. "I dunno, couple years now I guess." Bro swears softly and runs his hand through his hair not even paying attention to his hat that gets knocked off while doing so.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you'd hate me."
"Kid, I make puppet porn for a living. Wearing dresses is pretty fucking tame compared to that." You hadn't thought of it that way. Bro ran the site for the sake of irony right? It's totally not the same thing. Unless...
"Oh my god you actually like that shit?!" Bro doesn't bother trying to smother his laughter at that. How the hell had you never realized? "You are so fucking weird!"
"Whatever Lolita." You can't stop the scowl that comes at the name, but you're pretty sure it doesn't matter. You both lost your cool a while ago. That fact doesn't seem to keep Bro from smirking at your obvious annoyance. For a guy who’s always telling you that you need to stay cool at all times he sure as fuck seems to love it when you lose yours. "Now go change into something that actually fits before Chris Hansen shows up. We'll get you some new clothes tomorrow."
"You mean," You swallow nervously before continuing, "like another dress?"
"Some other things too if you want. Gonna have to get 'em online thouOOF." You run over before Bro can finish speaking and throw your arms around his chest. You haven't hugged Bro since you were in kindergarten, but now seems like a good time to do it. You want to thank him, hell you kind of want to tell him you love him, but there's a lump in your throat and you can already feel the threat of tears. When Bro leans down a bit so he can hug you back, you think he gets it anyway.