Chapter Text
****
Sam stared down at the small boy looking back up at him. "You did what, Gabriel?"
Gabriel handed the boy a sucker. "I reduced your brother to his six year old self. You get to be the big brother for a week, Sammy-boy." He grinned. "Have fun."
Sam shook his head at the empty spot where Gabriel had been. "Just great." He knelt down and looked Dean over. Sam frowned. "Hey, Dean. Uhm, did you hear what we were talking about?"
Dean tilted his head and looked around them. He wrinkled his nose and looked back towards Sam, but he wasn't making eye contact.
"Okay." Sam reached towards Dean and lifted him up without any protest. He stood up with Dean in his arms and headed for the nearer bed. "How old are you?"
Dean sniffed and held up six fingers.
Sam nodded. "That's good. That's great. I know I'm not your Dad, but..." Sam let Dean down onto the bed as he started to squirm.
Dean crawled to the head of the bed and pulled a pillow between himself and Sam. He peered over the top of it at Sam.
Sam licked his lip as he sat down. "Dean?"
With heaving breathes, Dean pushed the pillow down far enough to frown at Sam.
"I shouldn't mention Dad?"
Dean shook his head and hid behind the pillow again.
Sam grimaced and moved a little closer along the bed. "I can do that. We can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about?"
Peeking out around the pillow, Dean looked at Sam like he was an idiot.
Sam spread his hands. "Do you understand that you aren't normally a kid? That I'm your brother... Sammy?"
Dean blinked and pushed the pillow down between them. "Sammy?"
Sam could feel tears threatening at the horrible unused rasp of Dean's faint voice. "Yes. I'm Sammy." He shrugged his shoulders with his hands still spread. "All grown up."
Dean's face crumpled and he started to sob.
"Oh, shit." Sam started to reach for Dean, but he didn't get far as Dean crawled across the bed and climbed into Sam's lap with his pillow in tow, sobbing the whole way. "Okay, Dean. We'll fix it. Okay?"
Dean buried his face in Sam's chest and kept right on sobbing.
****
Castiel tried to push past his brother, but Gabriel held him fast. "He requires help."
Gabriel pulled Castiel to sit down beside him. "Just give it a little time, bro."
"I do not see how time will fix Dean's situation, which you have created."
"It isn't about Dean." Gabriel shrugged. "Well, not so much."
"What do you mean?" Castiel stopped struggling and settled against Gabriel's side. He was very tired most of the time now. It weighed on him to have no help with the Winchesters.
Gabriel curled his wing around Castiel's side. "Sam doesn't get it. What all Dean has gone through in protecting Sam." He gestured with the candy bar in his hand. "Dean wouldn't want his precious Sammy to know, but Sam...Well, Sam would do well to have a damn clue shoved up his ass."
Castiel refrained from asking how injuring Sam would help. He'd heard Dean say similar things often enough. "Sam will only pester Dean once he is restored to his proper age."
Gabriel smiled. "Yep."
****
Sam had tried everything he could think of to get Dean to stop crying. Nothing worked until Sam mentioned food. He watched Dean eat like the food was going to be taken right out of his hand. He rubbed at Dean's back. "You can slow down, Dean. No one is going to take it away from you."
Dean shook his head and kept stuffing his face. "Might not get more." He glanced up at Sam from the corner of his eye and ducked down into a tighter hunched over position. "Sorry."
Sam slid one hand down the side of his face as he kept rubbing circles on Dean's back with the other hand. "Nothing to be sorry for, Dean."
Only once all the food was gone did Dean uncurl a little. Sam wrapped him up in blanket and leaned back with Dean against his chest. "Thanks for not running away from me."
Dean picked at Sam's shirt sleeve. "You're nice."
"Yeah?" Sam pulled Dean's pillow over and tucked it under Dean's head. "Is that a good thing?"
Dean shrugged against Sam. "Guess so."
"You want to go to sleep? I promise to watch over you."
"No." Dean pushed against Sam's chest until he was sitting upright. "I have to be up."
Sam helped Dean work his arms out of the tangle he'd made of the blanket. "What do you mean?"
"Dad..." Dean frowned and pulled the blanket up around himself more and laid his head on his knees. He looked up at Sam from his one visible eye. "You won't tell on me?"
Sam shook his head and tired to smile. "No. Not about this. Not anything you say right now. Okay?"
Dean bit his lip and closed his eyes. "Dad is broken." Dean lifted his head and burrowed into Sam's chest, bunching the blanket between them. "He forgets us...me. He remembers Sammy now when he cries, but not me."
Sam wrapped his arms around Dean. "What does that have to do with you not sleeping?"
Dean sniffed and pushed his head into Sam's sternum. "He'll forget me and leave with Sammy."
"Oh, Dean."
"I have to protect Sammy." Dean clutched at Sam's shirt. "He needs fed and changed. Dad might forget. He...forgets..."
Sam began to rock from side to side slowly. "Shhh. Okay. It'll be okay. How about we sleep in the Impala? Then if Dad leaves he'll take you right along, how about that?"
"Yeah?" Dean snaked one arm around Sam's side. "Please."
"Sure. No problem." Sam worked his way into standing without having to put Dean down. He snagged another blanket from the other bed and made Dean a bed in the back of the Impala. "I'm going to sit up because I'm too tall to lay down in here, okay?"
Dean twisted around so the top of his head was against the outside of Sam's thigh. "Sam?"
"Yeah?"
He plucked at the seam of Sam's jeans. "Do I have to keep talking?"
Sam laid his hand on Dean's side. "No. You sound like you haven't been talking a lot lately. We could just do yes and no questions until you can sleep. How about that?"
Dean nodded and pulled Sam's hand down to his chest where he pressed it against himself.
Sam ran his free hand through his hair. "Okay. You move around a lot?"
Dean nodded.
"And you take care of Sammy?"
Another nod.
Sam bit his lip. "Are you hungry most of the time?"
Dean hesitated and then nodded quickly. He clutched Sam's hand tighter to his chest.
"It is alright. You haven't done anything wrong, Dean." Sam pressed his thumb against Dean's chest and rubbed a little circle. "Is Sammy going hungry like you?"
Dean shook his head violently.
Sam covered his eyes with the hand not soothing Dean. "That's...great, Dean. You are a really good brother." He bit his lips and took a deep breathe before lifting his head up. "You don't want to talk since Mom died?"
Dean sniffed and nodded slowly.
"Not even to Dad?"
Dean reached his hand up onto Sam's knee. "Just to Sammy. He wants to know words so I tell him. He points at stuff and makes faces."
Sam wiped at his eyes. "That's awesome, Dean. That you are willing to talk for him." He threaded his fingers through Dean's hair as he used the hand on Dean's chest to sooth little circles on Dean's shirt. "Just sleep, okay? I'm not going anywhere."
Dean tight hold on Sam's hand eased somewhat as he slipped into sleep. Sam resisted the urge to shift his legs from their cramped position. He didn't want to wake Dean.
****
Sam woke up when something moved against him and then thumped into the door on the other side of the car. He rubbed at his eyes as Sam turned to stare at Dean. He was a little older than when he'd gone to sleep. Eight maybe. Sam blinked at the way Dean's clothes had adjusted size with his change in age. "Hey."
Dean pulled his sleeves down over his hands and adverted his eyes. "Hi."
"You remember last night?"
Dean shrugged.
Sam nodded. "Great. You hungry?"
Dean lifted his head and narrowed his eyes at Sam. "How do I know you are really Sammy?"
Sam racked his brain for something they done when Dean was seven or eight that no one else knew about. "I used to think green jello could birth aliens from that one movie Predator because you insisted their eggs could hide like they did."
Dean smiled widely. "Yeah." He frowned. "I'm sorry about that."
Sam's eyebrows drew together. "What for? You liked green jello."
"That's why I told you that." Dean wrapped his arms around himself. "So I could have something to eat that I knew you wouldn't want."
"Oh." Sam climbed out of the car to cover the sudden attack of guilt he was having. He reached back in and held his hand out towards Dean. "Breakfast time."
Dean avoided Sam's hand and climbed out of the car. "Can we have bacon?"
Sam frowned as he started to clap Dean on the shoulder, but Dean deftly sidestepped that. "Sure. Anything you want." He locked up the car and lead Dean towards the diner across the parking lot.
****
Sam kept smiling at the waitress as Dean put away more food than he normally did in two meals as an adult. "Slow down a little. Don't make yourself sick."
Dean swallowed the bite he'd been chewing. "This is totally cool." He pointed his fork at Sam. "You grow up great." He put more food in his mouth. "Just saying."
Sam nodded and took another gulp of his coffee. "Yeah. You'll change your mind later on that."
Dean put his fork down. "What do you mean?"
"I, ah, sort of disappoint you. I think."
"Nah." Dean smiled at him. "You're Sammy. I'm sure you turn out great."
Sam blinked. "Wow. Okay." He pointed at Dean's empty plate. "Do you want more?"
Dean bit his lip as he looked down at his plate. "Could we get something to take with us?"
He could feel his chest constricting at the implications, but Sam nodded anyway. "Sure, Dean. We can do that."
****
Sam quickly found that eight year old Dean didn't want touched at all. He settled on the other bed from where Dean was sprawled on his stomach watching a cartoon. "You don't mind talking?"
Dean shrugged and changed the volume of the TV. "You never understood why I didn't want to talk. I got over it."
"Are you okay?" Sam frowned as Dean plucked at the comforter he was laying on.
"What do you care?" Dean pulled his legs under himself and sat most of the way up. "I don't matter."
"What?" Sam forced himself not to reach across to try to touch Dean. "What are you talking about?"
Dean snorted and clicked the TV off. He looked at the remote in his hands. "Dad cares about you. Everything he says is about watching you or protecting you." Dean frowned. "I know you're little and all." He glanced at Sam. "Normally little. I just..." Dean pressed his lips together.
Sam licked his lip. "Dean, what do you want to do when you grow up?"
Dean stared at him. "Are you stupid?"
"No." Sam cocked his head. "You must have something you want for yourself."
"You are stupid." Dean shook his head as he moved to the far side of his bed and dangled his legs over the edge. "What about you are more important didn't you hear? What I want hasn't mattered since Mom died." He clenched his hands on top of his knees. "Sometimes I think Dad doesn't..."
"Doesn't what, Dean?"
Dean shook his head and stood up. "It doesn't matter. I grow up to be a hunter like him, so why even think about it?"
Sam clasped his hands in his lap. "I'd still like to know."
With another snort, Dean headed into the bathroom. "Still a persistent pain in my butt, huh, Sammy?"
Sam grimaced as the bathroom door closed between them.
****
Sam wasn't surprised to wake up the next morning to a ten year old Dean that refused to move from his bed. "You aren't hungry?"
Dean pulled the bedspread up over his face. "Just figure out how to fix me, Sammy. You are a giant, did you know that?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, Dean, I've been taller than you for a whi..." Sam drew a sharp breathe. "I'm, uh, going to go get us breakfast."
Dean made an aborted move to sit up. "Fine."
With a frown, Sam moved a little closer to Dean's bed. "You want to come? You can."
The blanket over Dean's face made a small noise as Dean shook his head. "Nope."
Sam leaned against the room's door after he closed it. "Shit." He thumbed through his wallet until he found his single picture of them with their Dad where they were all smiling from around Sam's high school graduation. Dean was shorter than him even then. "How tall would he be if he hadn't gone hungry?"
Sam crossed the parking lot in a sort of daze as he thought about Dean's height, his bowed legs, and how he'd eat everything in reach like a compulsion anytime he was ill.
****
Dean at twelve was helpful and fascinated with Sam's computer. Sam watched him as Dean wrote code in the notepad program.
"Where did you learn that?"
Dean shrugged. "I taught myself." He looked up from the computer. "Sometimes databases don't link things together like Dad needs."
Sam pointed at the computer. "You learned it to help Dad?"
"No." Dean pushed away from the tiny motel table. "I learned it to help me. If Dad is busy he doesn't get upset with me about you."
Even though he was pleased that Dean was talking about things, Sam still frowned. "What do you mean?"
Dean sat on the bed and leaned against Sam's side. "I disappointed Dad and now if anything goes wrong it is totally my fault."
"Oh." Sam gingerly wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulders. "What does your code do?"
Dean used his hands as he talked. "I told the databases to link things we need to know and used a special phrase so I can pull up the results."
Sam had a flash of adult Dean typing in 'freaky accidents' and getting just what they needed to know. "Wow. That's awesome, Dean."
"Sure." Dean pulled away and flopped on the bed. "Whatever."
Sam left him alone.
****
Sam sat on the curb outside of their hotel room and glared at Gabriel smirking at him. "Fix it."
"I don't think you've seen the point, yet, kiddo."
Sam lifted his chin. "Really?" Sam pointed at Gabriel. "You have made your point. Dean has lost his whole damn life to protect me. And I think I figured that out when he sold his soul, thanks."
Gabriel rolled his eyes. "You are so stubborn." He sat down next to Sam. "I can see why you're Luci's vessel."
"What?"
"He's a stubborn ass too." Gabriel flapped his hand at Sam. "Oh, be quiet." He frowned across the parking lot. "Dean's primary focus has been you. What you need, want, yadda." He leaned back on his hands and stared up at the sky. "Before I did this, when did you ever give a thought to how your actions affect him?"
Sam rubbed his chin. "I...Not a lot." He grimaced.
"Yeah." Gabriel smiled sadly. "Luci and Mikey haven't ever given it a damn thought either." He looked at Sam. "You think I just waltzed out of there without giving it a lot of thought?"
"Oh." Sam blinked. "Then what are you trying to teach me? I'm listening."
Gabriel stood up and grinned down at Sam. "You'll see."
Sam sighed at the empty spot Gabriel left behind and stood up to go inside.
****
Fourteen year old Dean was quiet and wanted to stay in the Impala anytime he didn't need to go to the bathroom. Sam offered to sit out there with him, but Dean had just looked at him like he was looking through Sam. He finally consented to coming inside for dinner.
Sam frowned when Dean refused to eat anything. "Dean, please, you need to eat."
"It costs money to feed me." He poked at the plate and they both could hear his stomach rumble.
"I already bought the food, Dean." Sam leaned back and cross his arms over his chest. "It shouldn't go to waste if you are hungry."
Dean glared at him. "You eat it."
"I already ate mine, Dean. We're talking about your food."
With a huff, Dean pushed away from the table and rummaged in one of the duffel bags. "I am not hungry. Quit trying to make me eat."
Sam gathered up Dean's food and put it into the small fridge. "It is in here if you want it later." He laid down and ignored Dean in favor of watching TV. Until he noticed Dean taking one of the small, very sharp knives into the bathroom. "Hey."
Dean froze. "What?"
"Why do you have that?"
Dean glanced down at the knife. "What do you care?"
Sam sat up. "Dean, I care. So answer the question."
Dean gripped the handle of the knife and bit his lip. "No."
"Dean."
Dean whirled around and brandished the knife at him. "What? You want to know that I cut myself?" He stood there, his ribs heaving from the effort to breath. "You want to know that I sometimes wish I'd died with Mom because then Dad could have his prefect son and I wouldn't have to disappoint him all the time?"
Sam eased into a standing position.
Dean dropped the knife onto the bed between them. "Take it! I can just get another."
"Dean."
"Oh, don't 'Dean' me." He backed himself into the tiny corner made by the wall for the bathroom. "I...I'm sorry." He folded himself into the corner and buried his head against his knees.
Sam took the knife and tucked it away before going over and settling on the floor in front of Dean. "I'm going to touch you, okay?" When he didn't get a protest, Sam eased forward until he could pull Dean into a hug. "I'm sorry, Dean."
"Why?" Dean stayed stiff in his arms. "You didn't ask for an idiot for a brother."
Sam closed his eyes. "Dean, you are really smart. I know you are. I don't always say things in support of that, but that's not your fault."
Dean shook his head. "Nah. I'm going to drop out. I can't be wasting everyone's time. I need to be making some money. You've got a school trip next month."
Sam pulled Dean in tighter against himself. "Oh, Dean."
****
Sam woke to Gabriel sitting between him and a sleeping sixteen year old Dean. "What is it?"
Gabriel frowned. "I thought I'd tell you I'm done and I'll turn him back into his usual sunny self."
"No." Sam covered his mouth with his hand for a moment, surprised with himself for his outburst. He lowered his hand and looked at Dean. "No, Gabriel. You started this. You wanted me to learn, so I'm going to learn."
With a nod, Gabriel stood up. "Just don't be surprised."
Sam nodded and while he blinked Gabriel left. "Terrible idea, Sam." He stood up and went to the bathroom. When he came back out, Dean was sitting on his bed, under the covers with a fake smile firmly in place.
Sam sat down on the other bed and rubbed his wet hair with a towel. "Where are your cutting scars?"
Dean shook his head, the fake smile falling away. "Seriously? You want to know about that?"
"Yes, Dean. I want to know about that."
Dean threw back the covers and worked his way to the edge of the bed. "What? And I suppose you want to know how I get money to feed us and house us when Dad fucking forgets to pay the room rent because he found a lead on the thing that killed Mom?"
Sam steeled himself. "Yes, Dean."
Dean frowned. "No, you don't. It'll just make you leave me all the faster."
"I'm not going to leave you now." Sam reached across the space between the beds, ignored Dean's flinch, and held onto Dean's hands. "I did once, but..." Sam ducked his head down to catch Dean's eyes. "Dean, I will not leave you again."
Dean pulled away from Sam. "I..." He looked at Sam with his lip between his teeth. "You swear you won't leave?"
Sam nodded. "I swear, Dean. I will stay in this room with you. I will not leave you."
"You want to be normal, though."
Sam grimaced. "I did, yes." He leaned forward so his forearms rested on his thighs. "Thing is...We're not going to be normal because normal..." Sam sighed. "Normal doesn't exist like I thought it did."
"Oh."
Sam clasped his hands together. "Just tell me, Dean. I promise I won't be mad at you."
Dean squirmed around on the bed until he was facing the TV so Sam was looking at his profile. "I...uh, I sucked a couple of guys off for money."
Sam stared.
Dean hunched over his drawn up knees and put his chin on top. "I...lied about my age to this guy and got into a film thing. I made enough in two days to get you started into a decent college." He squinted at the TV. "I'm hoping you'll pick Washburn in Kansas. They've got a good law program and it'll be easier to get to you for visits and stuff."
Sam kept staring.
Dean looked down at his knees. "I figure three more films and I'll have made enough for your textbooks for the first year and..."
"Stop."
Dean snapped his mouth shut and held still.
Sam reached over and rested his hand on Dean's shoulder blade. He could feel the tension vibrating through Dean's body. "Films?"
Dean pushed himself away across the bed and turned to face Sam. "You need me to spell it out, Sammy?" He spread his arms. "Or did you want a demonstration?"
Sam shook his head. "No, Dean...just, did Dad have any..."
Dean snorted, shook his head once, and crossed his arms. "Dad doesn't care about me, Sammy. I know I tell you he does, but you miss the silent 'just you' at the end of those sentences." He looked around their room. "I've known for a long time, Sam." He pointed at himself. "This is just a body. Not me." He tapped the side of his head. "I'm me, inside here."
Sam nodded. "Okay." He flopped back on his bed. "I...admit I wasn't expecting that one."
"Seriously? You never even had a clue?"
Sam thought back on it. "I believed you when you said you were fixing cars. You were always awesome at anything to do with a car. I didn't know how much people made from that and I didn't really think about it." He covered his face with his arm. "I should have noticed."
"Screw that."
Sam turned his head and peered at Dean from under his arm. "What?"
Dean pointed at Sam. "I didn't want you to know. You were always busy with school stuff."
Sam grunted and turned his head back into the darkness of his arm across his face.
****
Sam kept himself awake that night. He watched as Dean aged fast for about an hour between two and three in the morning. Once Dean was his eighteen year old self, Sam retucked the covers around Dean and went to sleep.
Sam woke up to Dean kneeling over him, pinning him down. "Morning to you too, Dean."
Dean cocked his head and stared down at Sam. "You didn't leave."
Sam rubbed at one eye. "Of course not. I said I wasn't leaving you."
"You're going to though." Dean knelt back and relaxed his hands on his thighs. "I see you watching the mail. You stuck your tongue out at me about Washburn, so I know you've applied to all the coast schools." He ran his fingertips up and down his inner thighs. "It is going to be expensive, isn't it?"
"I got a full ride." Sam's eyebrows drew together and he laid one of his hands on Dean's knee. "I'm sorry, Dean. If I had known..."
Dean leaned forward and pressed his fists into Sam's chest. "No. You go. I'll be proud of you, Sammy."
Sam drew Dean down against his chest into a tight hug. "Thanks, Dean."
****
The next morning Dean sat on the edge of his bed staring down at his toes as he wiggled them. "Why did he do that to me, Cas?"
Castiel sat beside Dean watching Sam sleep. "He believed that he was teaching Sam something important."
Dean frowned. "By making me spill secrets that Sam did not need to know?"
Sam rolled onto his back. "Maybe because Gabriel knew I did need to know them."
Dean rubbed at his eyebrow with his thumb. "No, no, you didn't."
Sam looked at Cas. "Could you go get us some breakfast, please, Cas?"
Castiel nodded and disappeared.
Dean flopped backwards on his bed as Sam sat up. "Don't start on me, Sam."
"Sure." Sam put his feet on the floor and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm just going to sit here until you tell me why you never said anything before."
Dean put his fist against his forehead and lightly tapped himself with it. "Sam..."
"No, Dean. Don't try to brush this off. You wolf down food even now so don't tell me it is in the past and it doesn't matter."
"You ever think maybe I didn't want you to know?"
"I got that from the part where I didn't know until now." Sam scrubbed his hand across his face. "Dean..."
"Just stop, Sam." Dean sat up and turned towards Sam. "I'm fucked up. I get that, thanks."
"That isn't what..." Sam crossed to Dean's bed and tackled Dean down onto the bed. "Listen to me, Dean. I am so proud of you."
Dean blinked. "What?"
"Yeah, proud." Sam knelt over Dean and started searching Dean's skin. "You are the bravest person I know. And where did you cut yourself at?"
Dean squirmed out from under Sam. "They are gone."
"What?"
Dean rubbed at the crease where his thigh met his body. "When Cas got me out he erased most all of my scars."
"Oh."
Dean pulled his boxers out of the way. "They were here." He made a movement with his fingernail to bring up a little red welt. Dean frowned down at his skin. "I miss them sometimes."
Sam touched Dean's elbow. "I never caught you doing that to yourself."
"You were usually asleep." Dean looked at Sam. "You aren't telling me how fucked up I am." He narrowed his eyes. "You aren't possessed, are you?"
Sam rolled his eyes. "No, Dean. I am not possessed. Cas would have said something." He crossed his legs under himself. "Dean, I'm s..."
"Don't you dare."
Sam snapped his mouth shut.
Dean leaned towards Sam. "Don't you dare say 'sorry' like I should have allowed you to be harmed."
"You..."
Dean held up his hand. "Stop. Don't feel sorry for me either."
Sam grabbed Dean's hand. "Listen. I would never have wanted you to do all of that just for me."
"No shit."
Sam took a deep breath. "Stop being defensive for five seconds." He waited until Dean slumped. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I wish you hadn't had to, but I'm grateful you did."
Dean sat there blinking and breathing for a few minutes. "Oh."
Sam smiled with tears in his eyes and he pulled Dean into a tight hug. He thumped Dean on the back. "What sort of porn was it?"
Dean barked out a laugh that hitched once. "Bitch."
"Jerk."
****