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Evening had settled onto Cafe Atori with little commotion or fuss; it was a slow day, so closing felt more like an afterthought than anything else.
Auntie had decided to take Yui on a trip somewhere nice to "lift her spirits", so the cafe was empty, save for Shinji and Ren.
Shinji lazed about on one of the stools, head cradled between his arms against the cool marble countertop. His left lay on the table while his right rested on top, acting as a cushion for his face. He looked off at nothing in particular, simply sitting for the sake of it, lost in his thoughts. Ren, on the other hand, had finally gotten to properly closing up the shop. He swept, slowly, carefully, being a bit too mindful of Shinji's lack of chattering and noise-making. It's not as if he wanted the other man to pick a fight with him or be annoying or anything like that, but the lack of sound… The lack of anything from Shinji left an odd pain in his body that made him feel restless.
If he wants to sulk so badly why doesn't he just do it upstairs. Is he trying to bother me? What's his problem? … Is he okay?
That final thought echoed through him.
..."Okay"? Does that really matter? Why even bother thinking about something like that?
He paused sweeping and pinched the bridge of his nose, suppressing a migraine. This was too much for an evening like this. Shouldn't he be grateful for the silence? Isn't this good? Why fight it? He'd be better off, he thought, if Shinji was never there in the first place. The thought sunk deep. Deeper than he'd like to admit. It swirled over something round in the pit of his stomach and attached itself to it with ease; it was meant to be down there, after all. A shiver went up Ren’s spine and he loosened his back, attempting to regain some sort of relaxation. He could dwell on it later— there were more important things to do. He glanced at Shinji, still lost in thought and scowled at the sight.
Yes, more important things like getting Shinji to pull his weight.
"Get off your ass and help me clean already,” said an increasingly annoyed Ren.
Shinji responded with a "mhm" and proceeded to do nothing of the sort.
Irritating. So fucking irritating. He can't even do simple tasks now? Can't even do what he's paid to do?
Ren swept up the dirt from the floor into the dustpan with a slight huff.
Is it even worth it to fight him right now? Like this? Is there even anything to gain from it?
The question itched at him all the while as he emptied the dustpan, stored the broom and walked to the sink. He clenched the counter, trying to weigh his options with no success.
In circles. It's like I'm constantly in circles with this guy.
He shook his head, fully exasperated. Even in complete silence, Shinji had defeated him. Fighting with an overly active and talkative Shinji was one thing— he didn't even have to think, it was as simple as breathing. But fighting with a quiet Shinji? Ren was at a loss. He looked toward Shinji for a moment and noted how lost he looked, transfixed on nothing. His eyes were nearly glazed over and his breaths were so light that in any other instance you would've thought he was dead.
Dead, he thought.
The ball in his stomach swirled again.
Maybe that's not the right word.
He started to clean the dishes one by one, hoping to take his mind elsewhere. Before he knew it, he had slipped into a steady rhythm: he focused on the sound of the water, its warmth and the scent of the soap that he couldn't quite pinpoint even though it was labeled as “apple blossom". For a moment, he was at ease. For a moment, Shinji Kido wasn't there. Nor was the game, or even Eri. Perhaps there was a peace to be found here, as if he was finally untangled from something that had been strangling him for god knows how long. But the longer he dwelled on the absence, the more he could feel something dull clawing at his insides. Someone he was neglecting. Was it out of guilt or weakness, he wondered. He turned it over in his mind, inspecting it delicately. The feeling burned in his hands, but faded quickly. On top of it laid a fresh, gnawing burn; one of frustration and heartache. He looked at it for a while, caught up in the audacity of its existence. As he stared, he could see the feelings melt and meld into something akin to desire. The pain was searing now.
Ah.
The feeling fell from his hands. Suddenly Ren did not appreciate the direction his thoughts were going in. He attempted to steer them back towards that peace he was desperately clinging to before being abruptly cut off by something that was not supposed to be there. Shinji, having broken his trance, turned slightly in Ren’s direction and asked, "Why am I still here, Ren?"
Ren's muscles tensed. The question was stupid.
"What does that even mean?" He spat, keeping his eyes on the dishes. Shinji huffed, irritated at Ren’s irritation.
"You know what I mean! With like the battle and stuff," he gestured vaguely with his right hand, "shouldn't you have gotten rid of me by now?"
Ren smirked and glanced towards him, eyebrows slightly raised.
"... So you're asking to be killed now?"
Shinji made a defeated noise and buried his head in his arms. "You know that's not-! Whatever."
Gave up faster than I thought, Ren mused.
It wasn't like him to back down so quickly, and from such a simple retort at that. It was frustrating.
Fine. If he's so in the dumps about it then he'll get an answer. He sighed lightly.
"Because if I did Yui would probably never forgive me for it".
Good enough, right?
Shinji grumbled as he spoke. "'Probably'!?" He stood up from his seat loudly and glared at Ren, clearly offended. Ren turned off the sink and chuckled quietly, suddenly a little too eager to poke fun at the smaller man.
"You're such a nuisance I'm sure Yui’d get over it in a matter of days." He placed the last dish on the rack and admired it briefly. Shinji made a displeased noise at his answer, but fell into silence once again. Ren tidied the sink, anticipating a response but receiving none. That feeling again. Why was it coming back? He sucked in a quick breath and began to head towards the stairs. There was no use in reflecting on it now. "I'm going to bed. Finish the rest unless you want Auntie to scold you again." … No response.
Whatever.
Ren had just placed his hand on the stairwell when Shinji asked another question, this time in a quieter tone.
"If... If you won't now, then when?"
He froze. Why was Shinji still on this? Why ask? Why even speak it into existence? His heart rate began to climb. It's not as if he wasn't going to try— he had to, for Eri's sake. Yes, that's right, it was all very simple. This is exactly what he wanted and he would do whatever it took to achieve his goal. There was nothing in the way of that. Even when Eri had begged him to just do what he wanted, well, that just meant saving her like he planned before, right? He would get to it at some point. He was the only one that could kill Shinji, after all. No one else, not Kitaoka, not Asakura, no one was allowed to tamper with him. His life was solely in Ren's hands and when the time came, whenever that was, he would be the one to... He would... Ren's grip on the stairwell tightened, eyes locked on his shoes.
What am I even thinking?
The ball at the pit of his stomach turned over once again, seeking to constrict him from the inside. His tone was low and uneven when he spoke, throat threatening to close with every word.
"Why do you wanna know?"
Shinji sat for a second before replying. "... I don't know. Maybe so I can put it on my calendar. Prepare for it. Things like that." He fumbled with his hands awkwardly.
Ren's heart rate spiked. Was he serious? Had he lost his mind?? Should he just strangle him right here and now??? How can he not understand that— that—
Shinji continued, cautious but firm in his tone:
"It’s just... Sometimes I wonder if you even want to fight."
Ren could feel him staring at him back now. Patient. Waiting. Shinji understood the gravity of such a statement; he understood what he was insinuating. It wasn’t his place, of course, but it wouldn’t be the first time.
Ren's hand went numb from gripping the stairwell. Should he just fight him? Kill him, right now? Is that what he wants? Proof of his conviction in saving Eri? Why does he have to prove himself to a guy like this anyway? This gullible, idiotic, foolish, weak-willed man? Isn't it enough that he says he will? Isn't that proof enough? Ren’s body ached with a violence he wasn't willing to commit. The ball in his stomach sunk deeper, probing at a truth he wished he could kill with his bare hands. He gritted his teeth.
"Should you of all people be saying that?" His voice was hoarse now, laced with a bitterness that stretched across lifetimes.
Shinji stared blankly for a moment, coming to some sort of conclusion before scratching his head and mumbling, "Probably not. Sorry." He then folded himself back into his arms and began bouncing his leg restlessly. Ren took that as a sign that the conversation was finished, and trudged up the stairs. Each step sunk deep into the wood, carried slowly by a body now made of cement.
------
When Ren finally entered his shared room with a soft click, he attempted to regain himself. He felt the textured wood of the door and traced its imperfections for a few seconds before scanning the room. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, he felt a sense of ease wash over him. Shinji’s side was messy; his bed was unmade, clothes and knickknacks littered his side of the room and a stack of unorganized papers and folders lay under his bed, probably from his other job. Ren’s side, on the other hand, while not pristine, was leaps and bounds nicer to look at. For starters, the bed was actually made, albeit a bit sloppily. He had some mementos from Eri in his dresser, cute letters she had made for him, pictures of them, some hair clips she liked to wear, things like that. Next to it, his long black coat hung neatly on a coat hanger and beside that, hanging off one of the poles of his bed, was his helmet. Ren was sure Shinji’s helmet was somewhere in his mess, but it wasn’t as if he had to be the one to figure out where. Ren took a deep breath. To see it lived in… To feel its warmth was a comfort that knew no bounds. It wrapped him in a way that felt unreasonably right. The feeling was ridiculous, he thought, but it's not as if anyone would know. He then paused for a moment and listened. He listened for crickets, for cars, for people, for anything, really. But there was nothing. Nothing at all. Ren's mouth went dry. Something in his insides shifted and his body grew numb. He knew, logically, that even if he couldn’t hear anything, it didn’t mean nothing was happening. It wasn’t the end of the world. Something silly like that, it shouldn’t be. He also knew, logically, that right now Shinji was downstairs doing nothing like before; just being useless and unproductive, Ren guessed. But at that moment, an oddly familiar panic seeped through his skin. At that moment, his senses told him a horrible lie.
Can’t you feel it?
He smelled something burning.
It’s over.
He heard the sound of sirens.
You won.
He tasted metal in his mouth.
She’s alive.
He saw pure white.
And he’s gone.
He felt a hand clenching his own—
Satisfied?
It burned.
Ren gasped suddenly, clutching his chest and dripping with sweat. His lungs chased for air, but couldn’t grab enough. The ball in his stomach had made its way to his throat and he choked on it, helplessly.
What a liar.
He closed his eyes, trying desperately to steady himself. None of those feelings were necessary, he thought. The only thing he needed was Eri. The only thing he should be focusing on was Eri. He didn’t have the luxury to be honest. He didn’t have the luxury to admit that just as Shinji was suffocating, so was the empty air. Maybe he enjoyed one over the other, but he’d never say. It was pointless, after all. Ren took a shaky breath and crept slowly to his bed. He laid a while in silence, his thoughts finally ceasing. Slowly but surely, the air had returned to him, and he was able to breathe again. But his eyes stayed firmly planted on the empty bed across the room. A final thought, this time said aloud, crept softly from within him.
"I should've just asked him if he was okay."