Chapter Text
When your whole self has been defined since before your birth, with no other option but to live up to it, it gets difficult to recognise the person that looks back to you in the mirror. I have never even thought of looking beyond the final goal of being a hero, proving myself different from my blood bounds, distancing myself from those who carry my name.
I was always Todoroki Shouto, the son of the actual number one hero, Endeavour. The boy with the ugly scar and infinite amounts of raw talent, ready to take anyone and make them kiss defeat before my power. But, as circumstances took me out of my bubble of burning flames that burned but never hurt, I became exposed to a whole different world outside of mine.
I couldn’t help but be instantly drawn to it and the mysteries it hid from my naive mind.
It all started the moment I was asked ‘Who are you?’. The obvious and practised answer materialised from my lips.
‘I am Todoroki Shouto, hero name Shouto, and I want to be a hero that makes people feel safe’.
I was surprised when I was asked: ‘Yes, but who are you?’
What do you mean ‘Who am I’? I just answered that.
I was then informed that that was, yes, in fact me, but the real question was ‘What makes Todoroki Shouto, Todoroki Shouto?’
And I became burdened by not being able to answer that.
What makes someone, someone? I knew I was Shouto, and that Shouto was a soon-to-be hero, and, for years, I assumed that was enough to determine what I was and wasn’t. Or so I thought.
That same night, alone with my thoughts in my dorm room, I began to cry. I began to cry after years of not doing so, because the realisation of not knowing what are the pieces that make me ‘me’ was more than I could ever handle. And it wasn’t a question I could ask anyone but myself, but I also didn’t know where to begin my search.
The next morning, during recess, I stayed at my desk with my notebook in hand and started asking myself questions, but then I faced an issue. Some questions required answers I never even lived. I have never explored my romantic preferences, or my sexual ones, or my hobbies or so much more.
Panic washed all over me and the pen in my hand started to shake, until a soft call shifted my attention.
“Todoroki? Are you okay?”
When turned around, the frame of a young lady became present. It was Y/N.
Her mist hair floated to her left, like a veil enhancing her features, and her face expressed confusion. I had to clear my throat and breathe in before actually answering.
“Yes, Y/N. Need anything?”
“Not really, but you seem a little unwell. Did you sleep well or eat properly?”
“Yes, please, do not worry.”
“Ok, sure. What are you doing?”
“I’m asking myself who I am.”
Her expression now had an odd frown, and her words seemed to have stuck in her throat.
“And why is that? Don’t you know who you are?”
“Not quite. That’s why I’m doing it.”
“May I help out then?”
“I don;t think you can answer these questions, though.”
“I can’t” She stopped, “But, maybe, I can help you find the answers.”
I thought about it, it might be beneficial, since some of these questions require experience, which I have not. If this is a short cut, I must take it.
“Fine, I accept. Where do we start?”
“What do you want to answer?”
I looked at my paper and the questions in it, there were several, mostly about traits such as if I’m kind or negative, dreamer or quick to anger, what drives me crazy and what I enjoy the most. I think it's best to start with these.
“How would I define myself?”
Y/N listened carefully before frowning once more, looking into my eyes.
“You know what? I don’t think school is the best place to ask these questions. Are you free after class? I think we should discover this over coffee and pastries.”
I nodded and closed the notebook, Y/N rested a hand over mine as I closed the notebook.
“Would you mind if I take this with me to give it a quick read? To understand your doubts better?”
“If there’s any way you’d help me decipher this quickly then, yes, yes you may.”
A bright smile appeared on her face, showing her pearly whites. The notebook was placed in a pocket from her backpack before she turned around to wave goodbye, disappearing through the door. I stared at my hands, following the creases, hoping to find answers at the end of them.
“Oh my God, Todoroki. I forgot to set a time and place! Does the mall’s cafe on the terrace sound good? At four?” Y/N’s head peaked from the outside, her hair covering what space was left on the door frame.
“Sure, see you there. Do you want me to pick you up from your dorm?”
“Oh, what a gentleman. First thing we discover, don’t we?” Her giggle echoed in the classroom, “Yes please, I’ll be at my door at 3:30.” Now, she actually left.
My clock striked 3:20. I was ready 10 minutes ago, after showering and dressing. Y/N didn’t specify any dress code, so I went for black trousers, a black turtleneck shirt and a fake leather jacket. I also would never let her pay, even if she was the one to suggest going out. Not because she can’t pay for herself, but as a thank you, for helping me. And also, ladies don’t pay when out.
After making sure my phone had enough battery and my door was locked, I walked to her door a floor below. Once there, I knocked thrice, receiving a ‘coming!’ as an answer. The lock clicked and the door opened, showing the inside and the one that opened it.
She was wearing a button up white shirt, with a pearl-embellished pair of jeans that had bows under the knees and cut below them, also some white flats.
“On time, Todoroki. A true gentleman if you ask me.”
“Thank you.”
“Shall we go?” She signalled sideways, pouting her lips.
“Yes.” I offered my arm, catching a giggle again from her.
The walk to the mall was very pleasant, she makes good small talk. As we walked through the mall, she kept pointing to stores and objects and making comments about it. I also noticed she smiles at strangers, who smile back at her, and little kids with their parents say hi to her often. The world seemed to be happy she walked through it, I can’t help but want the same.
At the cafe, she sat in front of me, fixing her hair out of her way. I just noticed she was wearing make up. It gave a delicate but intricate look to her features.
“Your makeup is beautiful, Y/N. You did a great job.”
“Aw, you noticed.” A happy pout appeared on her lips, and from her bag, she pulled out my notebook and a pen.
“I have read the questions. And I’m happy to say I already know most answers.”
“Tell me, then.” I became eager to know, eager for the truth.
“I will not tell you the exact words, but I'll tell you what you do that matches the meaning, and you have to tell me the adjectives.”
I nodded, interested in the challenge.
“You might not wear your heart on your sleeve, or an everlasting smile on your face. But you never deny your help to anyone. You are always quick to compliment someone or express your admiration. You might not be fond of your father, but deep down, you care about him and your whole family and friends.”
How sure she sounded had shaken something in me, making my heart feel raw, but I listened carefully.
“You are a gentleman, not only with the ladies, but with the boys too. Your manners are exquisite, except from the times your anger takes the best of you and your mouth becomes filthy. You are curious, you want to learn. Learn what hides behind the horizon, behind the pages of a book or the aftermath of experiences. You are alive, and you are a survivor, stronger than ever. You might be dense about social cues, but you learn from your mistakes and you push your limits. And I think, your heart is eager to bleed life out of it.”
I couldn't look at her, and my hand had to cover my quivering mouth. I can’t help but wonder if what she says holds any truth to it, because I never even thought about myself like that. Both her blackened hands held mine that rested on the table.
“I know you might think I’m being nice to you, but being nice without truth is just bad. I’ll grab a coffee for us and pastries, yes? I know you’re not a fan of sweets, but I would like to share with you my favourite cake.”
With that, she stood up and went to place the order, leaving me alone with my thoughts to digest everything said. I know for a fact she has never lied to me, because that’s not who she is, but how do I know what she is when I don't know what I am? Is it that easy to know someone? Easier than knowing oneself.
She came back quicker than I expected, with a tray full. Two coffees and a red velvet cake, I know it because Fuyumi enjoys baking it at home.
“Here. Please enjoy!”
Both of us took sips of the coffee before she handed me a spoon, implying she wanted me to taste it, and so I did. At first, it was too sweet for me, but the aftertaste was pleasant.
“I like this cake. Now I know what I’ve been missing from my sister baking it at home.”
“I’m glad you like it, Todoroki.” Her smile was soft, always soft.
“How did you gather all these facts about me, Y/N? By the way, please call me Shouto.”
“Well, Shouto. Observing is a great method, but living it is even better. When you share great amounts of time and experiences with someone, you get to know them. But no one ever knows all about anyone.”
“Not even about myself?”
“Not even you, because you never stop growing, or changing.”
“How is that even possible? Does that mean I’ll never know anything about me?”
“Think about it this way. You’ll keep meeting yourself over and over. Leaving stuff behind to make space for new things. Because, as we age, we face new needs, new likings and new dislikings. This doesn’t mean you’re always a different person, this just means you are, in fact, a person. A person grows and matures and changes and is always evolving, because that’s life. Life is about changing, about each day being better.”
Her words resonated deep within me.
“So, by that logic, today, I am a gentleman, I’m caring, curious and, maybe, a good friend?”
“Yes, and you also have a bad temper when angry, and you are inexperienced. But having bad habits doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you complex. And it makes you unperfect, and it makes you ‘You’.”
How come she’s got this way of thinking at our age? How is she so much wiser? Wiser enough to help others?
“Please, let’s keep eating, Shouto.”
The cake kept its sweet, pleasant flavour, and the coffee adopted a stronger flavour, contrasting both ends perfectly. I also happened to notice how her nails were manicured, and it made me realise I also notice the little details about people. I can agree with her on that.
After the food was long gone, we sat there chatting the evening away. I kept shooting questions at her, and she kept answering them all with elaborated perspectives. The sun also began setting, tinting the world in orange and yellow hues, shifting my focus to the sun hiding in the horizon.
“I know you’re told this often but, you’re not only handsome, you’re beautiful Shouto.”
“How can I be beautiful with this ugly scar in half my face.”
“Damaged things are often beautiful in their own way, as that means they now have shifted their shape. If kintsugi were a thing in people, you’d be the prime example.”
“But this scar was not repaired with gold.”
“Why do you think your body's job to fix itself is not as beautiful as gold? It did not bring back your skin, but it made your face beautiful in a unique way.”
“I’m amazed you’re saying all of this to me without asking for money back. You could be a great psychologist.” I made her laugh with that one.
“I appreciate that, but I hope you can really think about what I just said to you. I would also like to suggest encounters like this to keep uncovering who Todoroki Shouto is.”
“I find that very nice, Y/N.”