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As Katsuki gazed down at the eerily still figure lying on the hospital bed, he wanted to scream. He wanted to blow something up.
The ever-present itch was there in his brain, even as his hands were barely secreting sweat, having not yet fully recovered from the effects of the quirk-suppressing drugs he’d been on for the last 48 hours.
He knew he couldn’t feasibly detonate this entire hospital, as angry as he was that Deku still hadn’t woken up; those machines were currently the only thing keeping the stupid nerd alive.
But he needed to do something. Anything.
Anything was better than sitting here so helplessly in this sterilized room that felt so void of color and life, unable to do anything but track the lines on Deku’s heart monitor and watch the shaky rise and fall of Deku’s chest and flinch every time Deku’s face twitched in obvious fear.
Whatever nightmare he was having, Katsuki knew it was horrible.
Every moment they’d spent in that wretched place had been horrible. Being forced to fight each other, injected with so many drugs that they’d been only half-aware of what they were doing but aware enough to know that something was so, so wrong—
A full body shudder passes through him at the mere thought of it.
Back there, even in his drugged and mind-fogged state, Katsuki had been able to feel every hit he took. The handlers had made sure that was the case, so he’d get angry and want to fight back. And the worst part? He had. He’d hurt Deku so badly that the doctors here had to perform eight surgeries. All that training, all that preparation to become stronger so he would one day be the best, and for what? To hurt the person he cared most about?
Deku had hurt him too, but it had been Katsuki who was consumed by his anger, the anger he’d never really learned to control, come to think of it.
What kind of hero was he?
Not Deku’s hero, that was for sure.
From the bed there came a weak cough.
Deku’s eyelids remained firmly shut, but Katsuki could see the erratic movement that was happening beneath them.
Why couldn’t it have been Katsuki? Why couldn’t they have taken him instead for all those fights that they’d made Deku fight solo? Why couldn’t it have been Katsuki who got so gravely injured?
At some point, the nurse came to change his bandages, and Katsuki obediently pushed his chair back to give her space. He’d lost track of time in this room. At first, when they’d allowed him to see Deku, he’d been filled with rage and indignance and self-hatred and confusion. As his memories of those horrors had gradually returned over the past day, those emotions were still there, just- muted. And they’d been shoved aside to make room for resignation and regret and retrospection.
Deku coughed again, but this time, it was stronger and there seemed to be something caught in his throat. Frantically, Katsuki stabbed at the call button at his bedside, barely daring to breathe until the same nurse had rushed in and elevated the bed and cleared the phlegm.
Deku’s eyelids slowly fluttered open, blessedly revealing his natural viridian, and his gaze darted in terror around the room before they finally landed on Katsuki and gradually focused. Katsuki breathed a sigh of mild relief; that his eyes were back to normal meant the doctors had successfully flushed the drugs from his system.
“Deku?” he whispered. “Deku, you idiot, talk to me. Tell me why you still saved me after all that I hurt you. Tell me-”
His voice broke off into a half-sob. All Katsuki wanted to hear was the nerd’s annoying voice — he’d even put up with his overexcited rambles about heroes and quirks.
Back there, they hadn’t been able to talk, hadn’t even been able to recognize each other after the first eight hours despite being locked up in the same cell. For all he’d internally screamed let me out let me out let me out, the only sounds that had escaped his mouth had been guttural, animalistic yells and grunts.
Talk to me, please, Katsuki pleaded.
And for the first time in 84 hours, Deku did.
“Ka- Kacchan?” His voice was raspy from misuse and then disuse, but it was undeniably Deku. “Kacchan, what…?”
“We were saved, Deku,” Katsuki replied. “Aizawa-sensei and the others came for us.”
Deku managed to smile softly at that before wincing at the strain on his cheeks. “I’m glad. Tell them thank you.”
“Tell them yourself,” Katsuki shot back. “They’ve been worried sick. They’ll be here later this afternoon — they’ve been visiting you every day. We all have.”
Deku’s eyes widened. “Kacchan, how long have you been here?”
“Long enough to see you wake up, and that’s all that matters,” Katsuki answered. “It’s the least I should do.”
“It’s not your fault,” said Deku, in all his stupid heroism. “We couldn’t control- any of that.”
“But-”
Deku shook his head as much as he could with his neck brace. “Whatever you felt, whatever anger and hate and anything else, I probably felt it too,” he whispered. “You’re always telling me not to apologize. It’s my turn to tell you that.”
Katsuki barked a laugh. “Where did you learn to grow a spine?” he asked, but the words had no heat behind them.
“You taught me,” Deku told him. “I don’t know if you remember, but the first time they forced us to fight, you refused and turned on your handler instead. That’s why your dosage of the injections was so high — because the first time you were conscious enough, you cared enough to resist the urge to hurt me.”
Now that it was mentioned, Katsuki could recall something like that, blurry and buried back in his mound of memories, but there.
“Still.”
“Please don’t apologize to me, Kacchan, or else I’m going to have to apologize to you,” Deku implored him. “And we wouldn’t want that, would you?”
“Cheeky,” Katsuki snarked. “If you’re feeling well enough to give me that sass, I’m calling Aizawa-sensei in so he can fuss over you.”
Deku grinned. “See? The fact that I’m feeling fine now means you didn’t do any lasting damage. I’m stronger than that.”
Katsuki scoffed. “Yeah, of course. I wouldn’t associate with you if you weren’t.”
“Exactly! Everything is going to be all right, ” Deku declared.
Nodding decisively, Katsuki managed a smile to match Deku's. “We’re safe now. We’re going to be all right. It had better be.”
And he found himself almost able to believe the words.