Chapter Text
After the sixth brawl in a month, the coach was categorical: you either attend the meeting with the sports therapist or you’re not playing anymore.
He didn’t take this threat seriously, he couldn’t actually bench him, they would lose or at least the team’s performance would go down. It was too big of a risk to take: in the end, the bruises would blend in with the physiological ones that came with volleyball. If anything, he put some effot into staying calm and cut his rage down to verbal aggressions if this or that action wouldn’t go through, but after the seventh brawl he saw that the threat was effective.
He spent two games benched, looking at the coach challengingly each time they would lose, but by the time the third match was over he understood that it wasn’t a threat: it really was a punishment.
So he plucks up his courage and, tail between his legs, he gets close to a teammate, one who was more open about those kinds of things. A benchwarmer, really, not strong enough to be a starting player but a good support if he put the effort. In Tobio’s opinion, he would be better off looking for another job but, right now, he was the only one who could help him.
«Can I talk to you for a minute?» he’s pretty, Tobio notices. He has a charming shape of eyes, a big nose that brings a sense to his whole face, the momentarily damp hair compliment his face more than they do when they’re dry. He looks over his shoulder before he answers, like he wants to be sure Tobio is talking to him. What an idiot he thinks There’s only the two of us here.
So his shoulders contract a little bit, his voice does not align with his body language «Sure. Everything alright?» he answers, kind.
Tobio feels the urge to insult him. No, nothing is alright, why would it be alright if he’s talking to him? They never have anything to say to each other and he really thought it was okay this way for this teammate too, or is he insinuating Tobio would only talk to him if he needs something? How dares him to be right? Tobio takes a deep breath, trying to recall what he had prepared for this conversation. He wanted to say: “Coach will not let me play until I go to the therapist, to me is a waste of time that distracts me from practice, also my cat hates me lately, the team hates me, coach hates me and I hate all of you back except from my cat. My sister hates me too, we never talk for more than a minute, and I don’t know anyone else, so if no one wants to talk to me am I really so shitty that I have to pay someone? It’s also a waste of funds for the team, it makes me so angry.” But, facing him, not a single word comes out.
He has those charming, worried eyes looking at him, so it feels rude to curse. There, Tobio hates him now, because in a few words he was capable of making him feel tenderness, that idiot.
So he opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again and just stays there to stare at him before he gets embarassed. Maybe he thinks it will be less humiliating if I don’t look at him. «You go to that doctor, right? The psychologist.» the strategy works, he was able to say something.
His teammate softens and nods. «Yes, I go every Wednesday, every week.» before he can add anything, Tobio interrupts
«Why?»
His teammate makes a little pensive sound, and Tobio thinks that even that sound is charming. He chose the wrong job he thinks he should be an actor, or an host. He doesn’t’ take any time to recognize the embarrassing nature of those thoughts. The more he’s close to him, the more feels something like an hunger. This is not the moment to think about that.
«I go because i feel the need to go. I have always wanted to see a psychologist but it was so expensive and I too thought it was a waste of time, so I put it off until I really needed it. I…. I could not sleep well anymore, I had no friends and I was thinking of leaving everything behind, but I did not want to give up, so I looked for help, and found it.» he concludes, smiling at him. Tobio can’t really understand a lot of what he said to him. An hail of questions leaves his mouth before he can realize:
«Why didn’t you go to a real doctor if you could not sleep? Did he give you pills? Were you able to make friends after? It actually helped you, even if you’re still benched?» he thinks those are all fair questions, but the face his teammate makes changes drastically from that understating smile he had seconds before. Tobio picks up that he is nervous from his body language, but his voice is still kind. He hates him. How does he do it? Why is he a liar? He knows for a fact he does not want to be nice to him right now, so why doesn’t he just insult him?
«I’m sorry, Kageyama, but this is none of your business. Why did you ask?» he hates him, with that kind voice and charming eyes and contracted shoulders because he’s afraid and yet he does not tell him to go fuck himself.
«I must go.» Tobio blurts out «or I can’t play and we keep losing. The captain does not want to hear it, so I want to know what do you do with a therapist.» it costs him a lot to admit it, like he’s confessing his most intimate weakness. Already defensive, the reaction of his teammate confuses Tobio: his shoulders relax, his kind eyes spark with a different light and he smiles at him pitiful now.
Tobio watches him turn over and take something from his bag. He is offering him some tasty looking candy. «What, do you think I’m a child?» he provokes, but his teammate won’t budge.
«You don’t have to take it if you don’t want it.» so it’s only on the court that you can’t defend yourself, Tobio thinks, miraculously he does not say this one out loud «Maybe I was never friendly to you. Do you want one?»
Yes, Tobio wants one. He takes it and says thanks, listening to him while he eats his stupid, comforting candy. «Therapy does not work well if you don’t really want to go but I say give it a try. Maybe you just need to talk about your problems with someone who can help. It sounds simple, but that is how it is.»
«My cat hates me.» Tobio argues, looking in his head for a problem he could speak about with someone «he does not want to sleep in the same room anymore and he runs away every time I try to pet him, so I chase him because I want cuddles and he scratches me. Your doctor can fix this?»
Then, his teammate does something Tobio didn’t’ expect: he bursts out laughing, from his belly. «What kind of cat do you have?» he asks before Tobio can get mad.
«Orange. I found him in my neighborhood and I took him home with me when he was a kitten. I have no idea why he hates me now. Can you doctor fix this?» he insists, like his cat hating him was the worst problem in the world- in a sense, it his, that cat is responsible for all of his non sport physical contact Tobio has in his life.
«Maybe it is because you are always angry and he’s scared of you. No, he can’t fix it himself, but he can help you find a way to fix it by yourself. This is what you do in therapy: you talk, the therapist listens, together you find a solution that you could not find on your own. The therapist will not tell you what to do.»
«What’s the point, then, if I have to figure it out myself anyway.» he asks, confused.
«I thought that too, but it really helps. You don’t have to figure anything out by yourself. I know it’s difficult for you.» Tobio gets that zinger and he wants to zing back, it’s such an old talking point about himself that he adopted it as a part of his personality. Yes, I never want to ask for help, what about it?
«That’s not true.» he lies, defensively «I can ask for help if I want to. I just did it, didn’t I?»
«I think you did. Do you have his number?»
Tobio tries to think about a non embarrassing way to tell him he is not sure if he has his number in the first place, let alone the therapist. Once again, he stays silent, staring at him with nothing smart to say.
«I will text it to you later, I have to go. It was nice talking to you!» his teammate says, conciliatory, but they are not done in Tobio’s head. He wants to keep talking to him, he wants to know why he could not sleep, he wants to look at him a little more- so he grabs him by a shoulder, before he can say anything. Tobio feels his fear, sees the way he steps back, how he tries to run from his and and no, not yet, don’t go, stay a little more: Tobio squeezes his shoulder without realizing it, only realizing when he sees his hurt expression, so he lets go immediately.
«Sorry, I….you had something…..there was….a mosquito.» he puts together. Now it’s Tobio that wants to run away. Are there two doors in that locker room, possibly?
«Thank you, Kageyama….?» his teammate answers uncertainly, wearing his jacket in a hurry. «We will see each other tomorrow, I…. look…..go to the therapist. Do it for yourself. I am being serious. You won’t regret it.» and off he is, out of that locker room before Tobio can grab him again.
Tobio thinks he must have gotten crazy. He gave him an advantage of three minutes before he begins to follow him. First of all, he does it because he did not want to go home and did not know where to go. Then, because he wants to know where his teammate goes: maybe he goes to the psychologist and Tobio can grab some additional information. Lastly, he follows him because it felt really good to have his shoulder under his and, and maybe he hopes a little it happens again, without hurting him this time.
The last resolution is the first one to evaporate: they take the subway, get off downtown, walk towards Nichome and he starts running towards someone pretty, with colored hair and wearing makeup. Is it an escort? Tobio wonders, but the way they hold to each other tells him that there is much more.
He follows them to a café and watches them stroke each other, share a slice of cake and talk. When it gets too cute for his tastes, and honestly a little envious of what he’s seeing, he decides to go home. Tobio gets it, now. Not only he hurt him, but he also risked to put him in a difficult position with his significant other.
He is about to head home. He finds himself in a place he is not familiar with, nor he ever was around so much people dressed in extravagant ways, colorful flags, life. The neighborhood he lives in is quiet and pretty much deserted when he comes back after practice. Tobio does not have an outgoing personality, nor has friends who take him drink after work. Suddenly he gets hit by a wave of sadness: is he missing out? Are those the sacrifices in the life of a professional athlete? And yet, his teammate has a significant other, and Tobio knows the others go out together sometimes, like he did in his previous teams. He’s older, now, and does not need these kinds of things.
Or does he?
«Heyy, handsome!» Tobio almost doesn’t turn, absorbed in his thoughts.
The one who calls him is a makeup wearing boy, very similar to his teammate significant other. He does not like this, but here is something about him that compels Tobio enough to give him some attention. «You look sooo stressed! You really need a nice drink, come in.» he blinks at him suggestively and, to his honesty, Tobio thinks about if for a second.
He quickly looks at the bar behind the birdlike shoulders of this host, he opens his mouth and “no” comes out before he can say what he really wants to say. He turned on his heel before he realizes he said no, he’s in the subway before he can have a second thought about it-then, when he sits in an empty seat, he feels his heavy breathing.
Next to him, a schoolgirl previously preoccupied with her phone, looks up at him and then goes back to stare at the screen. A colorful lanyard hangs from her phone and catches his attention, orange, white and pink. He looks away.
When he gets home, the house is empty and his cat sleeps on the couch. The fridge is empty too, and the girl who delivers his dinner goes away immediately. Neither the ramen or the shower he takes are able to shake off of him the odd feeling that stuck onto him from this afternoon.
It’s 22:20 when a text lights up his phone, from his teammate.
Hi Kageyama, here’s the number of doctor Fuki. Don’t be scared. See you tomorrow!
Tobio replies with a basic thank you, bothered by the idea he is ignorning his partner to do him this favour. Does he feel sorry for me or is he scared I might beat him if he doesn’t send me the number?
This thought makes him do another thing that convinces him he must have gone crazy. Maybe he does need a therapist after all: now that he has the name of his teammate, Tobio spends the following half hour looking into Seito Yuta’s life.
He finds out that: he too has an older sister, his partner is actually a trans girl. Obviously he knows about trans people, but he never met one in real life up until now. Now that he gets a better look at her, he can clearly tell it’s a girl. They do volunteering, in his profile there is a Highlight section named “Mental health”. Judging by his profile, Tobio wouldn’t be able to tell he is a professional athlete. (It doesn’t occur to him that everything on that profile is built for the moment his contract expires and won’t get renewed. It does not even cross his mind the possibility of wanting a different life from professional sport.)
If he has such a full life, why he wouldn’t sleep? Why would he go to a therapist? Why would he need one? Dig into his life only made Tobio have more questions.
The following day, he asks the team manager to get him in contact with doctor Fuki. He tries to not notice the relief that shines through at this request. The manager makes it difficult, because he says «I’m proud of you. It’s not so easy.»
At that point, he wonders what awaits him. According to what Seito has told him, it will be easy: you go there, talk about yourself, he says something and in the end you feel better.
At practice, Seito seems normal. They don’t talk, he doesn’t look at him, but Tobio looks at him very well, in an attempt to grasp the secrets of his wellness: is it thanks to his therapist? The volunteering? Is it his girlfriend? All of the above? He isn’t bothered to be costantly benched because he has something else going on in his life? Tobio notices that, at the end of the day, Seito does his best to not be left alone with him, he escapes even though Tobio has been building up the courage to go and talk to him all morning.
The rest of the team notices this change of attitude, and they ask among themselves if the coach’s punishment is somehow working, but no one has anything to say to his face. Tobio hears them talking about a get together. He asks about it before he knows he wants to ask. Words just come out off his mouth like he ad a sudden impulse to vomit. Fittingly, he feels disgusted immediately after: «Are you going somewhere?»
He knows the one that answers him. Number 8. He is good, usually the first to part the brawls. «ah, Kageyama-san, yes. We are going to the party of a pair of twins I played against in high school, we got invited.»
«the Miya?» if there is another pair of twins that played volleyball in Japan, a study must be done on this coincidence.
«You know them? Yes. I would not be surprised if they invited you too, they invite whoever.» he makes number 3 beside him laugh, and Tobio does not know how to take it.
«Why would they?» he’s starting to get nervous, then he remembers that Seito kept talking to him because he didn’t attack immediately.
«Because they invite everyone.» number 3 inserts himself «Last New Years party we found ourselves partying with the national team of figure skating and a group of idols, Atsumu invited them as a joke and they actually came.» he tells. Tobio takes a good look at him. He has an anonymus face and the tone of his voice is falsely friendly. Moreover, he does not like that he has so much good to say about the twins. Tobio never really like one, since he can make up his mind about the other one he hates them both.
«I didn’t get the invitation.» he argues, like this proved some sort of superiority. The silence that follows is embarassing enough to terminate any possible attempt of a conversation, so the two go back talking to each other while Tobio leaves.
«No wonder he did not get invited!» once he is sure Tobio is out of reach, number 3 (Kugisaki Ando) says «Atsu’s boyfriend, isn’t he…?»
«Ah, it’s true. I don’t think it’s because of it, though, maybe he’s just too unlikeable, even for them.»
«He’s trouble, for sure. I wonder what made him this way, he was so normal a few years ago.»
«Probably it was the rest of the team that made him normal.» number 10 is nice enough to not speculate about Kageyama and Hinata’s relationship, too respectful of the relationship between Atsumu and Shoyo, but they both know whose probable credit and responsibility for the emotional collapse of the setter was.
Tobio spends all of his commute thinking about the party he was not invited to. He does not make the same reasoning those two made early while he was not there. At most, he attends his own pity party: they invite whoever but not me, because not even them can stand me he thinks, like he does not old a preemptive distaste for the twins in the first place. He thinks about fiding out where the party is and showing up out of spite, but his pride stops him from doing such a thing.
When he gets at home, the cat is drinking from his automatic fountain and, for the first time in weeks, greets him with a “meow”.
«What now, you don’t hate me anymore?» Tobio leaves his bag on the table, slowly approaching the cat. He does not move: not to walk to him, not to run from him. When Tobio reaches to pet him, the cat does not move, but he also does not respond affectionately like he used to do. At least he does not hiss. «If you hate me too, I will have to find another cat. I don’t want another cat. I like you. I adopted you, but you have to give me cuddles and not scratch me anymore. Okay? Are we good?» the cat meows, lets Tobio touch him «I take it as a yes. Today, everyone seems to be more proud of me. I did not do anything special, I just decided I want to be like Seito.» Tobio finally confesses, scratching the cat behind his ears. Will you purr at me, shitty animal? He thinks, but does not say it. He’s trying to maintain the peace. «I love you even if you poop on the couch, Sho. I don’t know why you have all those expectations on me.» he remprimands, but the cat lets him hold him and bring him to his lap. That night, Tobio gets some cold cuddles, but it’s a start. Maybe tomorrow they will play with the ball.
Before he goes to bed, he watches Seito’s story. His girlfriend and him are at a party. Tobio wonders if it is the same party where the others are. Sure thing Seito and his girlfriend were invited, with their stupid interesting lives, their good looks and happy, brave relationship. He looks at the picture they take by a mirror for a long time: his muscled arm is around her waist, she looks happy. Tobio asks himself if a girl would be happy in the same way, under his arm, or if a boy could hold him so tenderly and care enough to take a picture and post it.
«Just what do you see in him. Do you know he sees a therapist?» he is talking to the girl in the picture. He has the vague impression that she would answer that that’s the reason she loves him: he is nice, kind and goes to get himself checked.
He can’t believe that, in twentyfour hours only, he went from thinking of him as nothing to be envious of his life. All because Seito was nice to him.
In the following days, Tobio forms an habit to look at what Seito and his girlfriend are doing. A week goes by, and Seito finally goes to talk to him. They are in the locker room again, at the end of one day, and the preliminary conversation loses all meaning when he says «Why are you watching Kaya’s stories?»
Tobio feels like he is being caught red handed in an unforgivable crime. «If it pisses you off, I will stop immediately.» he mumbles, mortified.
«How do you know her?» Seito inquires, a lot less nice than usual. Is he jealous?
«From your stories. I always see her.» Tobio does not know why he’s justifying himself. Normally he would tell him to mind his own business and that he can look at all the pretty girls he want, taken or not, but….he likes them. He does not want to interfere, he just wants to see them.
«It’s you she’s been talking to?» that question catches him by surprise, he never talked to her once. Tobio’s face is very confused, and very sincere: that dissolves every animosity in Seito, who lets himself fall sat on one of the benches, face in his hands. «Sorry.» he says, those charming eyes hidden behind his fingers «I don’t know what I was thinking.»
At that point, Tobio is surprised by what Seito compels him to do: he sits besides him, and puts an hand across his back, comforting. Clearly, the despair the other is feeling is greater than any fear of Tobio being so close to him. «You are a nice couple, I watch you every night.» he says, just now realizing how creepy it sounds «on your stories. You keep me some company, because my cat still hates me a little bit. He lets me pet him and does not scratch me anymore, but he is still not approaching me.» he tells «I would be sorry if you broke up, you are such a beautiful couple. I would never talk to her, wouldn’t know what to say. I never know what to say.»
That raw honesty shakes Seito awake from his sadness, now polluted by a strange and soft incredulity. He raises a brow, looking at him for a long time: he is trying to understand if Tobio is making fun of him, but there isn’t much to suspect, it’s clear that he’s completely sincere. «I’m sorry, what?» he blurts out.
«My cat does not want to stay with me, so I watch what you two do. Is it weird?»
Seito takes a long time to answer. He wants to scream yes, it is weird, you crazy ass, how do you even think it’s okay, are you a stalker?, you are so creepy, how can you say those things like they were normal…and then, he realizes they are. In the end, he too watches the stories of his acquaintances, comments on posts of people whom he knew something a long time ago and now they are strangers, there an then watches the livestreams of that political journalist. In fact, he too watches the lives of other people when he feels alone, and until now he never needed to become aware of how odd it is. «I did not think that you could find us interesting….»
«Me neither.» Tobio confesses «But I like you. You remind me my friends back in high school. Please, don’t break up.» it seems to him that he’s giving Seito a great advice, a valuable positive feedback that can only help to improve, irrefutable- it seems to him that he has given a solution to everything. What Tobio does not know is that being in a relationship is a puzzle made of very small pieces.
Seito looks at him with is usual soft pity: all that honesty makes him feel an impossible tenderness, make him forget that he’s mad at him and offended by his nosiness. «I like us too, she is so special. I think that is the reason why she can’t be only with me, I am too bland for someone like her. She should be with someone artistic, interesting….special, even, but she is struck with me. I am too selfish to break up with her. She has no choiche but to cheat on me, I would not leave her in any other case.»
Tobio thinks about it. For the first time ever, he fully agrees with Seito: intimately, he knows that he would never break up with someone unless there is cheating involved. When, in a few days, he will be faced with the heaviness of his feelings for someone in his life, as inescapable as the changing of seasons, he will understand why he never left him. All because, despite everything, he never betrayed Tobio.
However, now that he is with Seito, he just nods «If she cheated on you and you break up, we are going to get drunk and then we will throw eggs at her windows.» he offers a solution that makes Seito laugh by heart, for a long bit.
«“I didn't take you for that kind of thing! Poor your ex girfliends!» he is still chuckling, finally at ease in the same space as Tobio. He has a cute laugh, that makes the top part of the nose that brings a sense to his whole face scrunch. Then, Tobio notices how different this laugh is from the ones he hears when they are with the rest of the ream. For this, he looks at him. You fake so much, don’t you?
«Listen.» Seito says once he calmed down «I have to go to doctor Fuki in a while, it’s near here. Do you want to come and meet him?»
Tobio does not even register he said yes, such is the hurry in which he says it. They are already out of the locker room when he processes what has just happened, and already in the waiting room when he comes to his senses fully. He looks at the door, ready to bolt out at the first chance: «Now I get how Sho feels when I bring him to the vet.»
«Sho?» Seito has understood everything, Tobio knows he did, he can read it in his eyes that he associated the orange cat to the name Sho and now knows all his secrets. Now Seito knows how pathetic he is.
«My cat.» he explains, defensively, ready to attack. Seito chuckles in a way that is not compatible with the anger Tobio is ready to embrace.
«I expected him to be called Ball, or Spike, or something about volleyball. Sho is a very cute name…is it from shot?» he inquires. Tobio wants to reply you know exactly where it is from but, maybe, he does not. He did not understand. He does not know all his secrets, and actually thinks Sho is a cute name for a cat.
«No, it comes from….I never tought about it, actually. I just thought he had a Sho face.» in the nick of time he decides to eat up his honesty, it’s not like they’re so close. «But I might call the next one Ball, or Spiker.»
«Do you want another cat?» Seito asks, completely interested. Tobio feels like when he is playing with Sho and manages to get all of his attention: the coolest person on earth.
«I say it to Sho to threaten him when he would not get close, but now I am actually thinking about it. I would like to find him like I found Sho.» he admits. If he finds the cat around he does not have to choose, and does not risk to take home every single cat in a shelter.
«I can really see you with a black cat, you know? You would be twins.» Seito is a lot more relaxed around Tobio, now. Are we friends, now that we go to therapist together? Tobio wonders, but he forces himself to not to think about it at all. He finally made a friend in this new team, he had lost hope many months ago.
Before he can say anything, the doctor opens the door: he’s a pretty tall man who wears glasses, and he bears a striking resemblance of professor Takeda in high school. The resemblance is so strong that he opens his mouth wide, leaving him speechless for a couple of seconds after the doctor had asked him something. Seito helps him «Yes, he is my teammate, Kageyama. Kageyama, have you just seen a ghost?»
It is a ghost the man he sees, so he says something absolutely normal when he is able to speak again: «Are you by chance a relative of Takeda Ittetsu?»
The doctor laughs «He is my brother. Why do you ask?»
Tobio's lives come together like the two ends of a kimono, bandaging his body with extreme, suffocating, comforting precision. He blinks, wearing a completely indecipherable face, but he knows too much time is passing.
Again, Seito helps him «While he thinks about it, can we start?» he gestures with his head towards the doctor’s office.
«Of course. It was a pleasure meeting you, Kageyama.»
«See you tomorrow, alright?» Seito asks, finally able to extort an answer out of him. Non verbally, Tobio nods, then politely salutes the doctor too.
His feet walk to the subway without him having to do anything about it, and once he gets home, he does the only thing that makes sense: he calls Sugawara.