Work Text:
Florida: Why are we doing this again?
Texas: The people demand answers!
Florida: I know right? Why is Disneyworld technically not in Orlando?
New York: Not those kind of answers you (speaks in New York) idiot.
Texas: Today we’re finding out who invented you.
Florida: Well isn’t it obvious?
Cali: It is?
Florida: Pfft yeah! It happened 530 years ago with a combination of volcanic activity and marine sedimentation during the early Ordovician Period.
Everyone: (stares)
Florida: Maybe you’d learn something if you passed out in front of the TV once in a while.
Texas: No, clearly you’re of supernatural origin so I’m calling in the experts.
New York: Greg tried calling them Buzzfeed Unsolved boys, he got laughed off the phone.
Texas: Not them! (cups hands) God?
Cali: Really?
Texas: You got any better plans?
Cali: God doesn’t exist!
Florida: Haven’t we talked to him before?
Texas: God if you can hear me, can you come down for a second we gotta talk.
God: (pops in chair) What.
Cali: Holy (beep) it’s you!
God: (sarcastically) Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus, look what do you want? Lucifer is on one of his ‘creative binges’ again and if I don’t get back he’s going to invent the platypus again.
Texas: Ignoring that. We want to know who invented (points) that.
God: (looks at Florida)
Florida: (waves)
God: I thought you were dead.
Florida: You can’t kill the original Florida man.
Cali: So you answer his prayer but when millions of starving people want food-
God: I know who to call. (snaps)
Aziraphale: (pops in) -and really dear the waitress was just doing her job….
Crowley: (pops in) She gave me the driest white wine imaginable it felt like I was swallowing a dessert!
God: AHEM.
(Aziraphale and Crowley both stop. They look at the states who are equally as horrified. Aziraphale is as white as a sheet.)
Aziraphale: O-Oh heavenly father I didn’t realize I was needed-
Crowley: Get behind me angel I’ll sort him.
God: Stop. Neither of you are in trouble, I mean Crowley might be because….
Crowley: All I did was ask questions!
Cali: (snorts) I feel that brother.
Crowley: Oh shut up you hipster.
God: The states want to know which one of you invented (points at Florida) him.
Florida: (staring into a bottle of moonshine) Hey Loui betcha ten bucks I won’t go blind if I drink it all.
Texas: Well ain’t it obvious? It was clearly the work of a demon.
Crowley: WHOA, WHOA WHAT?
Aziraphale: Uh…
Cali: He is a servant of the devil.
Crowley: Oh that’s rich coming from you.
New York: Admit it, creating Florida was one of your diabolic works.
Florida: Awww (wipes tear) I’m one of your diabolic works?
Aziraphale: If I can just cut in here….
Crowley: No! For once I’m telling the truth! I didn’t create Florida!
Texas: Prove it.
Crowley: HOW?
Texas: Exactly. Devil.
Crowley: Okay look I had my hands in a few things in America okay, New Jersey I’m pretty sure was one of mine.
New Jersey: (speaks in Jersey)
New York: (smirking) I knew it.
Crowley: But it wasn’t me!
Aziraphale: Everyone….
Florida: Oh yeah? What’s my favorite animal?
Crowley: Ngk, I don’t know, flamingos?
Florida: I KNEW IT! You created me.
Crowey: THERE’S FLAMINGOS ON YOUR HAT-
Aziraphale: I DID IT!
(Pause)
God: (with popcorn) (chuckles) This is about to get good….
Texas: (horrified church lady gasp clutching his pearls)
Cali: YOU?
Crowley: Angel you created Florida?
Aziraphale: Oh Crowley I couldn’t help it! I heard those explorers talking about ‘la florida’ and it meant ‘flowers’ and I thought ‘oh wouldn’t that be pretty, a state filled with flowers’ so I created it. I was hoping someday I could bring you because of how much you love your plants.
Texas: (cough) Gay (cough)
Everyone: (stares)
Texas: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Florida: I don’t know how I feel about being created by an angel. (pause) It does give me incentive to translate the Bible how I want to in order to take away more rights.
Aziraphale and Cali: No!
New York: Wait, you said you had a hand in creating other things here, what else did you make?
Crowley: Nothing important.
Gov: (pops in) Florida! How many times must I tell you, when you fill out your paperwork, you can’t just skip the questions you don-(sees Crowley)
Crowley: You
Gov: You
God: (laughs with a mouthful of popcorn)
Crowley: How’s a million dollars in government spending but not enough to fund schools going for you?
Gov: Just as well as you making an entire roadway a sigil of Odegra just to piss off other drivers!
Crowley: I GOT COMMENDATION FOR THAT!
Cali: Huh I always knew Gov was evil but I didn’t think he was created by the devil evil.
New York: Really. You didn’t see that coming at all?
Texas: I’m honestly surprised I didn’t put two-and-two together before….
Aziraphale: Crowley, dear, maybe we should go….
Crowley: YOU SPEND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN DEFENSE AND KEEP CANCELING STUDENT DEBT RELIEF
Gov: AT LEAST I’M TRYING! YOU CAN’T EVEN SAVE THE WORLD PROPERLY!
Florida: (tugs on Aziraphale’s coat) Papa look! I drew me and you going to Disney together! This is us drinking around the world and getting smashed in Mexico.
Aziraphale: Any chance I could get a refund on the whole…Florida thing?
God: Nah no returns.
Aziraphale: Fuck.