Chapter Text
I slowly rose from the bed, groaning softly to not wake the person next to me, as I felt an itch on my feet. I pulled the sheets off and sat on the edge of the old bed. I brought my foot to my lap and saw the multiple red bites on my ankles, all the way to my toes. Flea bites. Not bed bites, but fleas. Of course. I hissed and groaned as I scratched them, the itch still lingering no matter how much I scratched. Until satisfied, I stood up, looking at the man I screwed, sleeping on the other end of the bed. Rolling my eyes, I walked over to the nearby table in the motel room to snort up the rest of the coke. My eyes fluttered as I rubbed my nose, feeling the drug already taking its effect.
I sat down at the table, gazing at the man, hoping he doesn’t wake up. Most guys who I sleep with have a weird savior complex when it comes to me. So, if he woke up now, he’d either beg me to stay with him, or he’d get violent. I can’t afford either of those. As I sat there, preparing to leave for the next town, I took a deep breath. Contemplating if I should take my chances on this man to try to get a few more hours of sleep or suck it up and get dressed. I decided not to take that chance.
I got up from the chair and started to grab my clothes from the floor. The carpet was moist and had spots of mold, like any motel in the East of Los Santos. I looked at myself in the mirror as I put on my clothes. The kind of life I live doesn't allow me to be very fashion forward, but hopefully I'll be able to buy something pretty with this guy's help. As I thought about it, I looked over at his sleeping body again then gazed around the room for his jeans. I spotted them in the corner, I tipped my way over to them and reached into the pockets, retrieving his wallet. I quickly stuffed it in my bag and left the motel room without a second thought.
It was early in the morning, so there were very few people outside as I walked down the stairs. The sky was dark blue, barely being able to spot the sunrise but I could hear the morning birds chirping in the distance. I sighed as I started my journey again, as I walked across the parking lot, I looked at the many different cars, imagining the different types of people staying here. Some of them clearly being family cars. I couldn’t help but find it humorous how much different I was compared to the people who were only a few rooms away from me. Seeing how far I come, I had no room to dawn on the past like that so suddenly. Especially not now when I was so close.
I walked down the street, barely being able to see the motel anymore. The more I walked, slowly the sun started beaming on my face, I cast a shadow over my vision with my arm for a moment until my eyes adjusted. I looked at the sky, admiring the daylight as I continued walking. Before I knew it, it was approximately morning. I took a break at a gas station. I entered the small, half empty station and grabbed a map that was near the entrance, trying to figure out how much closer I was to the next destination. I temporarily looked at the man behind the register, hopefully to not look suspicious. I already looked a bit rough around the edges, so I began to walk around the store a bit to make myself look a little normal and sane, but looking at the cashier, he looked exhausted just as much as me. I walked to the back of the shop, behind one of the shelves, looking at the honey buns and other small pastries. I shot glances over at the droopy cashier as I quickly snatched up the honey bun with the map in my other hand, stuffing the treat in my pocket. I made my sweet escape from the gas station, leaning against the station side as I dragged my finger along the map. I looked around to look at any nearby signs to find out where I was. Still currently in East SA, only a few more miles to Blaine County. This is going to take a while. But hopefully, this would probably be the place I’d be able to afford when staying in Los Santos. But if it were up to me, I wouldn’t even want to be here in LS at all.
As I was lost in thought, a man approaches me. My head shoots up to meet his gaze. An obese truck driver. His white t-shirt was noticeably covered in greased stains, his skin almost moist and sweaty like. A bit of disgust washed over me as I took a step back from the stranger. I knew that whatever he was going to say to me would not be worth my time, probably to ask for my number. I don’t know how many times I must tell these men I don’t have a number to give out.
“Well, hello little lady. What’s a thing like you doing out here so early?” Before I could even respond, he leans over to look at the map in my hands. I move the map away from his gaze, shooting him a mean look and looking visibly uncomfortable. His expression turned into a smirk as he put up his hands into a surrender motion, taking a step back.
“Woah there girlie, I aint mean no harm. Just wondern’ if ya needed a lift.” His country accent is now prominent. I looked him up and down, I have too much experience out here on the streets to just go around trusting anybody. Especially a man like this, getting in my business so unexpectedly. I folded up the map and put it in my pocket.
“Really? Do you always ask random people at gas stations if they need a ride, or just me?” I asked as a raised an eyebrow, my tone was a bit annoyed and uneasy. The trucker chuckled a bit, placing his hands on his belt as he chewed on the gum he had in his mouth.
“Nah girlie, only the ones who look a bit lost and by the looks of it, somebody who got it going on wouldn’t steal a fifty-cent honey bun.” he replied. I glared at him, staying silent and battling in my head if I should run for it, or if he was going to attack me, guys like him always want something out of me. He noticed my silence, taking in the fact that he knew that he had me cornered. But he then said something unexpected.
“Now, now, I aint gonna turn you in little lady. Just seein’ is all. Now I’m headed my way to Sandy Shores, then my next stop is Paleto County for a drop off. If you’re going to either of those, you’re more than welcome to come. But I aint gonna force you or nothin’.”
My eyes stayed on his, trying to decide if I wanted to risk being alone with another stranger. This is unfortunately a situation I’m put into a lot, always having to fend for myself and being put in danger. Each encounter chips away at my sense of security and leaves lasting scars. The constant need to be on high alert drains my mental and emotional energy. It's a heavy burden to carry, knowing that danger is a recurring part of my life. It's possible for me to go with him and save myself more hours of walking, but I might be exhausted before I even get there if I go alone. But if I were to be honest with myself here, whatever he does to me isn’t something I haven’t already experienced. I sighed as I took the risk.
“Okay… yeah sure.” I said hesitantly, looking away from his gaze as I adjusted the bag on my back. I couldn’t help but feel very small in situations like this, especially the power scale weighing onto me.
He began walking towards his truck, and I followed him slowly, getting in the truck before he did, he filled his tank before we hit the highway. I looked around his truck, noticing the cigarettes in the cup holder, crumbs on the dashboard, and loose fast-food bags around. Once his presence was in the car, he quickly started to try and clean up his mess as if I didn’t already see it. He chuckled as he threw out the trash from the window, feeling embarrassed. But I didn’t mind the mess, I was just more than grateful to just get a ride. Soon enough, he started up his truck and we drove off, the gas station getting smaller and smaller in the side mirror as I stared out the window.
I sat quietly, my thoughts racing with every bump in the road. Despite my gratitude for the lift, I couldn't shake the unease that gnawed at me. Each passing mile felt like a test of my instincts, urging me to stay alert and cautious. As he drove down the road, soft country music played on the radio, filling the awkward silence in the truck. I stared out the window, observing the far ocean in the distance, followed by desert sand surrounding us. The bright blue sky followed by the summer sun. It shined against the sand and water, making everything else around burst more. The truck driver kept his focus on the road, but I felt his eyes glance over at me from time to time.
I tried to ignore his looks as I was already uneasy being alone with him, I kept my eyes on the ocean as he continued to drive. But then my feet started to itch again suddenly, I hissed as I reached down to scratch at it, pulling up my pant leg to reach the other areas. He watched silently for a moment before speaking.
“Well, now, you lookin' mighty uncomfortable there scratchin' at yer leg. You alright?” the trucker asked, letting out a light chuckle as he spoke with a hint of concern in his voice, glancing over at me but also managing to keep his focus on the road. I looked at him momentarily before putting my pant leg back down to help cover up my bites. I crossed my arms, rubbing my forearm slightly to help ease myself. I didn’t respond back; I didn’t want to. I just wanted to get to my destination without trying to make a brief connection with someone I didn’t know. I hoped that when I get to Sandy Shores, I could find better opportunities compared to every other place I hopped from, I didn’t want to waste my time with this trucker. But my silence was defeating as the trucker’s face dropped. His eyes now fully focused on the road; I heard him let out a small sigh.
“What’s yer name girl?” he asked in a calm yet firm tone.
“I clearly don’t want to talk, why keep pushing it?” I snapped back, continuing to rub my forearm to attempt to keep myself collected.
“Seem to me ya need the push. I get it, you’re troubled, but that aint no way to live, bein all closed off like that.” I glanced over at him as he said that then back on the road ahead of us, taking in his words but not responding. He was aware how on edge I was. There was silence for a moment before he started to speak again.
"Now, listen here, darlin’, I ain’t gonna hurt ya, alright? I’m just a good ol' truck driver tryin’ to do my job and lend a hand where I can. I can tell you’ve been a bit on edge since you climbed up in this rig, so how 'bout we ease that up a bit and get to know each other? Name’s Darell, what’s yours?" he inquired, still looking at the road, silently respecting my boundaries by not looking at me.
Apart from me didn’t believe him, but my shoulders started to relax a bit, I cleared my throat as I fiddled with my fingers, trying to be open with him.
“It’s Penny.” I responded in a soft tone while still trying to sound nonchalant. He nodded with a slight smile, noticing that he managed to help, even if it was small.
"Well, that’s a real nice name ya got there. So, what brings ya all the way out here in this neck of Los Santos? Don’t exactly seem like your kinda place, if ya ask me." he asked, but I can tell by his tone that he didn’t want to push too far with the questions.
I slumped down in my seat a bit as I listened to the statement that felt like a lecture. I find this question to be like bingo for me. When I have the time to be surrounded by people, I get asked this a lot. I personally don’t see a big deal about it. I'm just a human, trying to survive this life in the happiest way I can. We all make mistakes, we all learn and grow, and we are all just trying to figure it out. I don't think I'm any different from anyone else.
“I do drugs, lots of them. This scene is exactly right for me, and I love it. There is no doubt in my mind that my parents made the right decision in kicking me out all those years ago. Now I can do whatever the fuck I want." I said confidently as it also didn’t feel right coming out of my mouth, I sighed looking back out the window. I continued to rub my arm, motioning up and down, trying to relax. Darell didn’t react, silence filled the truck again. It was agonizing letting the silence sink in.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it to come off like that. I just- it’s all very hard to explain, I was forced into all of this so suddenly at a young age. I don’t really know how to really talk about it.” I said, constantly looking over at him for some sort of understanding, trying to see his reaction. He didn’t respond for a moment. Still processing my rash statement.
"Look, I ain't here to judge ya or nothin’. We all got our own mess to deal with, and I can tell you’ve been through the wringer a time or two. What I’m doin’ here, it’s just me doin’ what I can, helpin’ out someone who's been wrestlin’ with their own troubles." His voice was sincere, cutting’ through the quiet like a warm breeze on a cold night.
I kept my eyes locked on him, wondering' if he had more to say, hoping' he did. His gaze stayed on the road, patient, like he was waiting for me to let my guard down. He glanced over at me, but when I tried to meet his eyes, I couldn’t. My stare dropped to the floor, that familiar weight settling in my chest, making’ my heart feel like it was sinking’.
He must’ve noticed, because he added, "But hey, seems to me you’re real determined to get where you’re goin'. Whatever’s waitin’ for ya down the road, I hope you hold onto that courage, just like you did when you hopped in my truck today. Took guts to do that."
His words hung in the air, and for the first time in a long while, I felt a flicker of hope stirring inside. Maybe this journey wasn’t as lonely as I’d thought it be. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t as alone as I’d always feared. I sat comfortably in my seat, resting my hands in my lap.
“Thanks.” I whispered quietly, but he heard me clearly, and a smirk crept over his face. His contribution was significant, even if it was a small one.
The rest of the drive was quiet, making small talk with him every now and then as we reached closer to my destination. I felt a lot more at ease with him after our talk, tempted to fall asleep during this small road trip but I couldn’t, even with everything my body still didn’t let me. It wouldn’t be that easy after all, with all these years of fear and anger inside me still burning on the surface. No way that a guy that I just meet today was going to change me with a snap of a finger. Soon enough though, we arrived at my destination. I spot a blue sign that says “Welcome to Sandy Shores’ as the trucker turns right into the small town and stops at a market. He parks his truck on the side of the road and turns to me.
“Welp, looks like this is yer stop girlie, I hope you find what yer lookin’ for.” He says genuinely with a slight smile.
“Thanks.” I replied as I gave him a nod. I started gathering my things and hopped out of the truck. I backed away from the automobile as he started up his engine again, his loud engine roared alive as he waved goodbye to me. I waved back as he started to drive off, dust from the sandy road flying up.
I gazed at his truck one last time as he drove off before I started to walk away. I leaned against the side of the market to get out of the sun to get some shade. I grabbed the untouched honey bun from my pocket I had earlier and started eating. I devoured the entire thing in no time, not realizing how hungry I was. It’s not unusual for me, though—I sometimes go days without eating. I additionally tend to forget to eat when you’re running on nothing but alcohol and coke. Which is something I could really use right now if I wanted to get through the day.
I walked around the market, hiding behind the building and away from prying eyes. In my jeans, I pulled out a pocketknife and sat on the concrete. Opening my bookbag, I grabbed the coke I still had from the motel this morning. I scooped the powder with my knife into the plastic bag and inhaled it through my nose. I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, feeling all my tension and stress wash away. I was tempted to take some more, but I needed to save it. No matter how strong my addiction was, I needed to stretch this out and save money for another bag in the future. As I started to wind down, I put away my drugs and I pulled out my map again, gazing at the area I was in. However, soon enough I had to get up to try and find a place to clean up or at least get some new clothes. If I wanted to make more money, no man, or woman, would want to fuck me looking, and smelling like a homeless person. Although I could try getting a job, but I never had luck finding one, especially when I have no ID or verification of my identity. I’m basically living off the grid, but as I look around, seeing the suspicious looking people around here, looking just as lost as me, I don’t think I’m the only one. Business in these parks should be easy then.
As I walk around, and asking a few strangers, I find a clothing store. I enter inside and make brief eye contact with the woman behind the counter. She’s uninterested and greets me with a short wave before getting back on her phone. I started to look around the store, I don’t need anything too flashy to get people’s attention, I just need something decent looking so people won’t kick me to the curb and assuming I’m begging for money. But as I walk through the small, short aisles of clothing, I spot a petite, bright sundress. It has flower petal designs and spaghetti straps. I stare at it, admiring the dress. I had never worn or owned anything like this for a very long time, a part of me just wanted to bite the bullet and just buy it but I knew it wasn’t practical for someone living on the street like me. I gently grab the dress, brushing my fingers against the fabric, feeling the softness of the attire. But I was soon interrupted by an older woman’s voice, laced with a fair rasp, as if she’s been smoking for a while.
“That would look cute on you.” The woman said as she stood on the other side of the clothing rack. The woman looked like straight up white trash with faded lipstick, dark eyebags, and her hair dyed red, clearly cheaply done as I can see her hair is practically damaged. She seemed like she was a bit out of it, clearly from drugs as her eyes rested and her tone surprisingly soft, even with a slight rasp. But despite her appearance, I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed as I was caught in a moment like that, I let go of the dress, looking at the other hung-up clothes to try and be casual again. She chuckled as she took a smoke from her cigarette, her eyes never leaving my form.
"Why don’t you just get it? You obviously like it." She asked. I glanced up and her before turning my attention back to the clothes on the rack.
“I don’t think I can afford that, besides I have nowhere else to put it.” I responded, implying that I am indeed homeless, but I tried to just be honest, it felt like this woman could see right through me. She nodded as she started looking through the clothes as well, her cigarette on the side of her mouth as she continued to conversate with me.
"I get it, kid. I can tell you ain't from here. What're you even lookin' for in a place like this?" She asked me.
The woman calling me “kid” made me hesitate on my answer, unsure if she would fully understand my position here. Being called "kid" felt dismissive and undermined my confidence. It made me question whether she saw me as an equal or if she doubted my capabilities. This condescension added an extra layer of pressure to the already tense situation. I recalled other instances where I had been underestimated due to my age, and how I had to work twice as hard to prove myself. Each time, I managed to overcome the doubt, but it never got any easier. This situation was no different, and I knew I had to stay composed and assert my value once again.
“I’m looking for stability. That’s all.” I said sternly, giving her a dry response, not even looking up at her. She picked up on my attitude, looking at me as she twirled her cigarette in between her fingers. Pushing the clothes on the rack to look at the rest of the options.
"Well, you ain't gonna find no stability if you ain't bein' social." She responded as she sighed.
I was about to respond quickly, but then I suddenly remembered the conversation I had with the trucker on the way here. Maybe I should try to at least take a chance at something different. Meeting and conversing with new people have never been my strong suit for years, but I’m in a new town now after all. I may try this once. I sighed and swallowed down my pride.
“Okay, maybe you’re right, I guess. So, what?” I said looking at her, putting my hands in my pockets, trying to keep eye contact with her. She smiled a bit, noticing my sudden change of heart, she smoked out the rest of her cigarette before tossing it on the floor.
“Got a name kid?” She asked me, checking her phone as she did so.
“Penny.” I responded back nonchalantly.
"Well, I’m Ashley. So, listen, you should totally come hang out with us tonight. Johnny K and the guys are getting together, and it's gonna be a good time. You gotta meet them – they're like family. Trust me, you'll have a blast. Grab that cute dress of yours and come join us, okay?" She suggested in an inviting tone. I thought about it for a moment, caught off guard a by the sudden suggestion as I raised my eyebrows. Thinking to myself, it can’t be this easy. I thought about how much of an opportunity this was as my voice stammered a tad.
“I, well… yeah sure.” I said, pulling out the wallet I stole this morning, checking to see how much money I had inside. Seeing a single twenty-dollar bill inside, getting disappointed due to the lack of cash but having plenty to buy the dress. But unexpected anxiety came over me. I wasn’t sure if this was all guaranteed after all, I had no idea if I were to end up back on the streets the next day or not. The worst part is that I wasn’t sure if I’d have enough for drugs and food. I need both to survive. I slowly put away my wallet, rubbing my head.
“I-don’t have enough, but its fine. I don’t need it that bad.” I lied, avoiding eye contact with her. “We can just go.” I said, turning to leave. That’s when she suddenly walks over to me and grabs the dress herself, she looked at the price then she observed me as if she was sizing me up in her head to see if it’ll fit me or not.
"Hold on a sec," she said with a smirk, pulling out her own wallet. "Don't worry about it. I got you covered."
I watched in surprise as she paid for it. Ashley then handed the dress to me with a warm smile. "You're gonna look great in this. Now, come on, let's go have some fun tonight. Trust me, you'll fit right in with Johnny and the crew."
Feeling a mix of gratitude and apprehension. I thought to myself, would I really fit in here? Everything felt like it was all happening so fast, excited and nervous. But I couldn’t shake off the fact that there was something weird about this Ashley woman.
I followed her out of the store, looking down at the dress and feeling eager to wear it soon. I then looked up at her as she walked to her parked truck nearby. As I followed behind her, I couldn’t help but read the back of her shirt. “The Lost MC” it read. I tried to make small talk with her as we walked together.
“The back of your shirt.” I said pointing to it. “I’m guessing that’s your crew?” I asked as we started approaching her truck. Ashley looked at me confused for a moment, then making a surprise gesture as if it took her time to understand what I was talking about.
“Oh yeah kid, that’s the place. You’ll love it, I promise, okay?” Her response was strange, but I tried not to overthink it, despite her being unusual this entire time. Instead, I shrugged it off and got into the vehicle with her, settling into the passenger seat as she started up the engine. Although I wasn't entirely sure if she was stable enough to drive. However, I had a feeling that this wasn't her first time driving in such a state.
After a short drive, we arrived at a camp, parking near Ashley’s trailer. It was located outside of Sandy Shores town, but not so far that we had to deal with any significant traffic. As we entered the small, cluttered trailer, Ashley kicked off her shoes and collapsed onto the bed in the corner. She sighed deeply and yawned, giving the impression that she didn't get nearly as much sleep as the average person. With her eyes closed, she lazily waved her hand at me, indicating that I should make myself comfortable.
“Make yourself at home kid, I don’t fuss.” She said as her arm flopped down on the bed.
“Right.” I responded. I took off my shoes as well and placed down my bag near the door. I look around with the dress in hand, locating the bathroom door, wanting to clean myself up. I walk towards the bathroom, stepping over clutter along the way. Once inside, I close the door behind me then gaze at myself in the mirror, noticing my dirty attire and glad to get into something more comfortable and cleaner. I started stripping away my clothes, I didn’t own a bra, or anything fancy like that, so I stood there in only my underwear. Using the thin bar of soap that sat next to the sink, I washed my hands then used my hands to wash my face and under my arms. On the floor, there was toilet paper that I used to wipe away the soap. While I know this isn't the best way to clean up, it is quick and easy.
Lastly, I wore a dress. I looked decent. To be honest, I didn't expect to look this good. Taking a step back, I turned my body to see it better. The sight of myself like this made me chuckle since I hadn't seen myself in this way for a while. It was a weird feeling, but something was missing. My hair was a mess. I ruffled my hair to give it more volume, trying to run my fingers through it to self-comb but it was tangled. It didn’t look that shabby though. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment, a smile creeping up on my face, feeling hopeful for this new start. I never expected to give myself a makeover, but I didn’t look too different from before, which was a nice charm in a way.
I exited the bathroom, looking over at Ashely, her body still spread out on the bed, snoring softly. She really was exhausted, just sleeping like that. I should probably try relaxing too. But I couldn’t. I still felt on edge from today. I needed to wind down. I looked over at my bag where I left it, deciding if I should take some more or not. Perhaps a little couldn’t hurt for tonight. I walk over to my bag and reach for my coke, inhaling straight from the bag. I felt an energy boost, but I also felt my anxiety melt away. This stuff isn’t something you want to take if you’re looking to get some shut eye, but I just needed to rest my thoughts just for a little while. I sat down on the old, stained couch on the other side of the trailer as I slowly laid down, staring up at the ceiling. Trying to focus.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps and drawers opening frantically, I slowly opened my eyes, and I saw Ashley pacing around the trailer, looking for something. I slowly sat up, my head pounding with pain, my head hurting from the coke. I started rubbing my head, thinking how I could really go for a drink right about now. My eyes adjusted to the light on the ceiling. I blinked a few times as I let out a groan, I looked over at a nearby window. It was now approaching sundown now, the sky a dark orange. But then I turned my attention back to Ashley, wondering what she was doing. I was fully sat up from the couch now, watching her move around.
“Ashley, is everything okay?” I asked her, my eyes half lidded due to the brightness and my headache kept raging on.
She glanced over at me multiple times, as if I was distracting her for this important mission she was on, or whatever she was doing.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright kid. I just need to find something nice for Johnny boy. I don’t want to show up looking like dirt, you know? You look nice, I need to look like you.” She said as she continued to look around. She then suddenly looked at me again, as if something caught her eye. She then rushed over towards me, looking at me closely. I couldn't react to her suddenness because my head hurt so much. Her eyes were fixated on my nose, where some coke powder had been left by mistake.
“Ugh kid, clean up. We can’t have you looking like a junkie.” She said as she turned her heel to look for an outfit again.
Looking at her move around again, I wiped away the powder. Feeling put on the spot by her comment but also confused. “Don’t you do drugs too?” I asked her nonchalantly; I don’t think it’s a secret between the both of us that we need to hide, it obvious, we can always recognize each other.
She finally found an outfit as I spoke to her, throwing it on the bed she headed to the bathroom to fix her makeup and hair.
"Nah, kid, I used to, but I'm gettin' clean now. Ain't touched that stuff in a while. Gotta do it for my Johnny." She spoke to me as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, putting on concealer to cover up any meth scars.
I watched her for a moment, not fully believing her. Getting out of habits like that isn’t that easy, and when I first saw her this afternoon, she didn’t seem that clean to me. But who am I to try and pry into her issues. I slowly sat up off the couch as I reached for my bookbag and opened it up. I checked the plastic bag of coke that I had left, I was getting low, too low for my liking. My heart sank a bit at the result, this amount wasn’t going to last me another day. I couldn’t help but beat myself up for taking too much earlier. Trying to calm down and not freak out Ashley, I took a deep breath. I just know that I need to get to that bar quick so I can find a way to settle down. I shoved it back in and tossed my bookbag away from me, looking at Ashley again, wondering when she was going to be finished.
The time came shortly enough for her to be done, since we were already in the car, headed to the bar. I sat in the passenger seat of the car while Ashley drove. At the time of our arrival, the sky was already dark. When Ashley finally pulled in the parking lot, I gazed at the scenery, looking at the atmosphere of this place. Ashley stepped out the car as I followed her, I didn’t want to express how I felt in this moment to Ashley, I don’t think she would even care honestly due to her heart set on seeing this man named Johnny she keeps mentioning. As we started walking towards the bar, I saw that bar was called “Yellow Jack”. It had a few people standing outside of it with intense rock music coming from the inside, but the most noticeable thing was the number of motorcycles outside the bar. I suddenly started feeling nervous again, feeling intimidated by the scenery, not knowing what I was truly getting myself into here. Before we entered, I was already getting stares from the strangers from outside the bar, it made me uneasy. Was it the dress? I couldn’t help but start feeling self-conscious, I haven’t been out like this in a long time. I just know that the only thing that could help me right now is a tall glass of hard liquor to help myself get through this night.
We entered the building, hearing a bunch of old, loud bikers. The bikers weren't the only ones in here, a few hillbillies and citizens of sandy shores crowded around as well, either talking to one another or just too drunk to do anything but yell. As I followed Ashley for a moment, we were both stopped by a tall dark-skinned man. As I stood behind Ashley, I noticed that his gaze was primarily directed at her rather than at me.
"What the hell you doin' here, Ashley? Johnny ain’t in the mood to see you right now." The man said sternly, putting up his hand to block her path. Ashley groaned, flying her head back dramatically as she tried to brush pass him.
"I ain't here to stir up any trouble. I just wanna see him, okay? Plus, I've been gettin' clean, you know? Just let me through and let me talk to him for a minute." She protested as she glanced around the bar to try and spot him.
"Nah, after what you pulled, I’m shocked you even had the nerve to show your face around here." He said trying to catch her gaze so he can make eye contact with her. Before anything could escalate, another man come up to him from behind, grabbing his shoulder, turning his attention away from Ashley. “It’s okay, let her through.” The other man said.
He was hesitant, but he then put down his arm, letting us through, giving Ashley a dirty look as she walked past him. I didn’t dare to make eye contact with them as I walked by, feeling anxious, I kept following Ashley from behind. Swimming through the crowd of people, I couldn’t help but wonder what that was all about, my thoughts on this whole idea that Ashley had- started to look more like a failure as the night progressed. First her acting a bit strange from our first encounter, now all of this. The music was too loud, and the dim lighting made it hard to see anyone clearly. People were dancing, chatting, and laughing, seemingly oblivious to the tension that hung in the air. But I continued to follow her anyways, unsure what to do.
We finally reach this Johnny K guy that Ashley has been talking about, his back was turned as he was occupied in a conversation with someone else already as they all played eight ball together, pool sticks in their hands. He was a bit tall and was bald with a few lasting scars on his face. He wore that same black leather jacket that everyone else around here was wearing, with a pair of light blue, stained jeans. He stuck out the most in this bar, I can tell that he was the leader just by how tough he looked. Ashley approached Johnny, rubbing his back to get his attention.
“Johnny, baby, how have you been? I’ve missed you so much.” She spoke. Johnny turned around, I got a clearer look at his face now, and he didn’t seem too pleased to see her. “Jesus Christ Ashley, what the fuck are you doing here? You look a mess.”
“I know Johnny, I know. I just haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately, you gotta understand baby.”
“Na-uh, not after what you pulled, I’m done with chances. You still taking that crystal shit?”
"No, Johnny boy, I'm tryin' to get clean, remember? I did it for you. And I brought someone along, you know, to give you a little helpin' hand."
As Ashley said that my eyes darted towards her then to Johnny. He looked at me briefly, dismissing me as he turned his attention back to Ashley. The silent interaction only made me uncomfortable and showed that Ashley was not being completely honest with me here. Johnny dropped the stick in his hand as it hit the ground, grabbing up Ashley by her arm, but not too roughly.
“Fuck, Ashley. You got to get yourself under control.” Johnny says as he tugged on Ashley’s arm, pulling her away from any more attention they were drawing themselves too.
I stood alone as I watched them both leave through a nearby door that led to the back of the bar. I was unsure what to do, as I’m not good with social interaction that much, especially in a bar filled with biker men. I felt myself coming down fast, due to the anxiety, and the lack of coke in my system. I turned and started to swim through the crowd of people again, whispering and mumbling, “sorry” and “excuse me” along the way, trying to get to the bar quickly so I can numb myself.
As I approached the wooden bar, I luckily found an empty seat near the end, I sat down, leaning against the surface and staring down, lost in thought as I glanced at the bartender, seeing her serve someone else. I waited, but I felt impatient, lightly tapping my finger on the wood as I would kill for just a sip. I then suddenly feel a presence next to me. I slowly look over to my right and see a man staring at me, leaning against the bar with a sly smirk on his face. He looked a bit drunk due to his half-lidded eyes that gazed into mine. I would usually feel uncomfortable by guys like this, especially when he had a look in his eyes that spoke that he wanted to fuck me, but I saw this as a clear opportunity for a free drink, and maybe even something more.
“Hey there cutie, you’re not from around here, are you?” he asked as he eyed me up and down, I noticed the number of dirty thoughts that was already rushing to his head, he tried hard to seem like he was cool, but his polo shirt, dirty stained jeans, and his greasy hair wasn’t fooling anyone. I sat up in my seat and straightened my posture, keeping my eyes on him, slowly trying to win him over.
“I’m not, I’m new in town.” I said, gazing away for a second as I rested my hands on the bar then locking eyes with him again. He smirked and chuckled lightly as he got closer to me, his elbow rested against the bar as well. “Yeah, I can tell, you stand out in this old ass place, you have a lot of eyes on you. You might just be the hottest girl in here.” He replied.
I smiled slightly as I let out a giggle, stroking his ego a little knowing that was the corniest thing that a guy can say to you. “Thanks, you’re not too bad yourself. I bet you have a girlfriend though, a man like you can’t be walking around here single, huh?”
He then got close, placing his hand on my lower back as he whispered. “You can be my girlfriend tonight.” He said, holding eye contact with me.
This guy is drunk out of his mind for him to be this bold. I tried not to react as I hid my disgust with a smile, he stunk of pure alcohol and sweat. But I couldn’t complain too much, we are in a crowded bar with nothing but alcohol here. He then looks away, grabbing the bartender’s attention as he starts ordering us a round of drinks, keeping his hand in place, rubbing me in circles.
The more I started to drink, the more this guy started to get more attractive suddenly. Not dateable, but attractive enough so I can sleep with him for a quick buck. He kept talking to me for a while, although I only wanted to get shit face due to the lack of coke I had left, I started to listen more to what he was saying. He kept complimenting me and saying how pretty I was. I was slowly getting swooned, but I knew that it was the alcohol doing all the talking. But he’s probably going to think that he is a master at charisma after this night. He then leans in close again, whispering in my ear as I just got done finishing off a drink. His hot breath hitting my ear lobe, sounding like he was going to cream his pants any moment.
“So, are you down to come home with me tonight or what?” he said as a sly smirk creeped up on his face. I turned to look at him, our faces inches apart, I leaned in close to his ear as I whispered back.
“Only if you’re willing to pay for a night with me.” Clearly hinting at the fact that I’m not doing anything with him for free. He then moves back so that we’re making eye contact again. He still has that same gross looking smirk on his face, he lets out a short laugh as he suddenly orders us another round of drinks. Not even responding to what I said, it was clear that he wasn’t interested in paying. Bummer, but I wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity to drink more.
I started to drink more with him, starting to feel dizzier. I started to wobble side to side as I had to keep forcing myself to stay conscious. I started to follow the music in the bar to keep myself up, meanwhile the guy next to me was completely fine, still drunk but he looked like he could keep going all night. I groaned as I felt like I couldn’t drink anymore, but a part of me wanted to keep going, I needed to keep going. None of it felt like it was enough. I rubbed my head out of frustration as I slowly stepped down from the seat I was in, the guy getting up as well, he grabbed my shoulder, his voice echoing in my head. “Hey, you okay?” he asked me, shaking me lightly to grab my attention.
I couldn’t look at him right now, the bar was too bright, and the music was too loud as I kept rubbing my head, my eyes closed halfway. I moved his hand off my shoulder as I started walking away from him. “Yeah, yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom.”
My words slurred slightly as I started walking away, swimming through the crowd. It was a lot more riled up as the night went on, people jumping and dancing to rock music, their sweaty clothes hitting my skin as I tried to find my way to the bathroom, even though I was unsure where it was myself. I then made it to a nearby wall away from the crowd, I leaned against it for a moment to catch my breath and try to not fall over. As I look up, I see the same bikers that stopped Ashley and I when we first arrived. They were both speaking to each other, arms crossed as they leaned against the same wall as me. I then lightly grabbed the guy’s arm to get his attention, my eyes fluttering in frustration because I just wanted to hurry up and find the toilet.
“Hey, excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?”
They both looked at me for a moment, noticing that I was drunk and vulnerable. One of them then pointed to the direction to their left without saying a word. I looked in that direction, squinted my eyes and I spotted the bathroom sign. I nodded at them as I lifted myself up off the wall to get over there.
“Thanks.” I said, but before I could walk away, one of the guys stopped me from moving, grabbing my shoulder but not too roughly. I looked at the man confused and irritated; it seems like a lot of guys here just think they can grab me however they want.
"Ain’t you rolled in here with Ashley earlier?" he asked with a hint of concern in his voice, trying to get some answers.
I didn’t care about Ashley right now, I just wanted to go to the bathroom, and why is this guy worrying so much anyways? I let out a drunk, exaggerated groan, pushing his hand away. Glaring at not only him, but the other guy standing next to him.
“Yeah, but she ran off with her boyfriend or something. I don’t know, why are you so annoying about it?”
He noticed my irritation, but he seemed to brush it off knowing I was drunk and all. He kept his hands to himself as he folded his arms again, knowing not to touch me.
"Listen, kid, I’ve seen this kinda thing before. Ashley ain't exactly new to playin' games with folks tryin’ to get back at Johnny. Just lookin' out for ya—don’t go countin' on her too much. Leavin' ya alone like that ain't a good sign, especially when you don’t seem all that steady on your feet right now. If you need a lift or somethin’, just holler. We’re all about watchin’ each other’s backs 'round here." The biker guy said, holding eye contact with me.
I felt my throat become a bit dry listening to him, I knew not to fully trust Ashley, but I wasn’t expecting to hear all of that, especially not now. She did all of this, convincing me to buy that dress, inviting me into her trailer, taking me out to this bar to try to make me feel comfortable in this new town, just for her to get back with her boyfriend. My eyes squinted and fluttered, looking away from the biker as I tried to make sense of it all. I then quickly glared at them both again, starting to walk away.
“Does it look like I need your help? I’m perfectly fine and I don’t need your pity! Fuck off!”
I yelled, slurring my words a bit as I started to rush to the bathroom, trying to hurry and get away. Despite just lashing out like that I still felt angry and on edge. I still couldn’t believe that all of this felt like it was for nothing, I started to rub my arms up and down, trying to give myself some sort of comfort, but it didn’t help, maybe another drink would for sure. But the thought of getting another drink right now only made me sick.
I enter the bathroom, not bothering to scan my surroundings and wonder about the other women around the restroom. I enter a stall, closing it behind me. Once I looked at the toilet, my body reacted instantly as I started to hurl into the toilet, getting down on my knees as I puked out my guts. My body jerked every time more came out, it got to the point that only stomach acid came out due to the lack of food I ate in a day. I sat on the dirty floor, catching my breath as my sickness started to subside. My body trembled lightly as my body ached in pain. My stomach was completely empty now, with only some stomach acid left, burning my throat. I groaned trying to suck up the aftereffects of the pain I was feeling. But feeling all this agony still felt like it wasn’t enough. I felt like I needed to punish myself further for being so stupid and gullible once again, thinking I can finally find a peaceful place by “trying something new”. It done nothing but get me into shit like this. I can’t stand this feeling, I need more. I need something more.
I slowly stood up, still feeling dizzy. I coughed as I covered up my mouth, leaning against the stall. I gazed at the amount of writing and carvings in the wooden stall, trying to concentrate on something to get my mind back on track so I can get out of here. I took a deep breath as I stepped out of the stall, my feet dragging as I walked over to the sink. I didn’t dare to look at myself in the mirror right now, feeling discontented with myself. I turned on the sink as I put my hands under the water, filling my palms with liquid as I then proceeded to drink it. Only enough to soothe my stomach, but not enough to sober me up, thankfully.
I walked out of the bathroom, my eyes half lidded as everything around me started to become harder and harder to see clearly. The lights blurring as the music started to fade in and out, I walked lifelessly around the bar as I spotted a table that had a beer bottle on it. I didn’t give it a second thought as I grabbed it and started to drink it. Chugging down the liquid as I started walking out the bar. Once I step outside, the cold air hits me, the amount of sweat on my body from being in that crowded bar finally cools off, but my body still warms on the inside because of how much I drank. I leaned against the side of the building, the light above me flickering slightly as I rested my eyes. Feeling myself slipping in and out of consciousness. The bottle from my hands clanks to the ground as my head slowly droops down. I then quickly jolted up, catching myself from passing out. I rubbed my face as I started to smack myself lightly, trying to stay up. I got up from the wall once again as I started to walk, my steps slow as I stumbled my way to the road. I wasn’t sure where I was going, I hoped that I could at least get to Ashley’s trailer, I just had to wing it and try. I just didn’t want to be at this bar, but I barely stepped away from the place as I suddenly felt a heavy arm around my shoulder, making me almost fall over due to the suddenness.
“Hey, hey, be careful cutie. Where are you going?” The guy said with a light chuckle followed up. I looked up trying to figure out who this was but based off his smell and annoying voice. I recognized that it was the other guy I met at the bar who bought me the drinks.
I shook my head as I groaned, trying to get his arm off. I could barely stay conscious; I can’t deal with him right now. “No, stop.” I mumbled, barely above a whisper. I sighed in slight frustration; I was too drunk and exhausted to get him off.
“You okay? Here, you’re fine. I’ll take you somewhere safe, just us.” He said as I felt him slightly lift my body to turn in the direction of the parking lot, his arm slithered around my waist as he was now practically dragging me to his car, knowing exactly what his intentions were. The parking lot was dark, I could barely see if there was anyone around, my vision already fading already. My heart started to race as I started to silently panic.
I kept trying to push him away, but I felt so weak against him, I swear he wasn’t this strong before, but I knew this was all the alcohols doing. I felt so helpless, his arm around me, dragging me so easily. The sound of his feet hitting the concrete, getting closer and closer to his car only made my skin crawl. But I still tried to fight to get away, I got control of my feet as I placed them on the ground to try and stop in my tracks, he noticed that and chuckled, lifting me up again as my shoes dragged.
"Come on now, don’t play stupid! You know you want this. You were giving' me those looks, remember? No girl dresses up like that and comes to a bar if she isn’t looking' to get fucked." He said, his tone a bit more aggressive now as he continued to take me to his car.
Apart from me feeling disgusted hearing that, his voice echoed in my head as I continued to battle with consciousness. But sadly, there was some truth in what he said. I bought this dress hoping to get a guy for his money, tempting them and then never seeing them again. I entertained him, and I drank all the drinks he gave me. I knew it was all risky and dangerous, I saw all the red flags and ignored them all. Maybe a part of me did want this, and maybe I deserved it. I feel like I need to stop running from myself and accept my place in this world. I’m not going to be anything but a whore on the street, only to be used by the people around me. I closed my eyes, letting my body fall into consciousness. Alcohol once again, drowning me, making me powerless. We made it to his car as he opened the door for me. But unexpectedly, I hear loud footsteps approaching, making me open my eyes slightly.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s this, a midnight abduction?” I different man’s voice can be heard. His tone is aggressive, gruff, and a little raspy.
The guy holding me turned his attention to him, I leaned against the car as his hand still lingers on my shoulder just in case I try to run off. But it’s not like I’d be able to anyways. I glance at the other man that suddenly approached us, I can barely see as everything felt like a blur, his stance was intimidating as I can see him clenching his fist. My head drooped down as they continued to talk.
“Why don’t you mind your business old man? She’s with me.” The guy responded as he chuckled, seeing as he took this whole situation as a joke.
“Oh, oh really? ‘Cause she looks more like she’s with the floor at this point.” He said as he stepped a bit closer to the guy with a small grin on his face, but it simmered with something far more dangerous. I briefly looked up to see the commotion, they both were staring dead at each other as silence took over for a moment. The man decided to break the silence and speak again.
“Let me make this real clear,” The man hissed, his voice cold and menacing. “You touch her again, and you’ll be eatin’ through a straw for the rest of your life.” The man said, his hand up as he pointed at him. The other guy chuckled again as he grabbed me, trying to shove me in the car, completely brushing off the other person.
“I told you she’s fine with me, I’m just giving her a ride hom—” Before he can finish his sentence, the other man lands a solid left hook to his jaw. He stumbles and groans from the collide, sending him back a few steps, then was soon yanked away from me, causing me to get pushed against the car.
The interaction waking me up, a stared at them both, my eyes widened as my vision slowly started to focus more. The guy that got punched slowly looked up at the other, his lip bleeding as his face held nothing but fury, but also a hint of fear in his body language. He tried to throw a punch back, but the other man quickly grabbed his fist, twisting it as he held his arm behind his back. He slammed his body against the hood of the car, he was helpless and fully restrained due to the tight grip that held his wrist. He kept squirming and yelling, trying to get the other man off him, but the other man wasn’t letting up. I watched as he grabbed a fistful of the guy's hair and began smashing his head against the car’s hood, grunting with every ounce of strength he put into each slam. He didn’t stop until the guy’s face was a bloody mess. His nose oozing with blood as his lips were busted. His eyes struggling to stay open. I trembled in fear, seeing the terrifying and gruesome scene. I felt like I should run but I couldn't. I couldn’t even look away. I panted as I was unsure what to do. With one final head smash against the hood, his nose breaks on the impact, making a bone-crunching noise. The man finally stops, letting him go, but I knew that he wasn’t finished.
I saw how he watched the other guy’s body fall onto the concrete. His body language laced with pure anger as he stalked him. The injured man coughed up blood, trying to crawl away as the other one towered over him, looking down at him as he watched him plead.
“Please stop, man, I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry!” the man gasped, his voice gurgling as blood filled his mouth, soaking his words in desperation. He tried to crawl away, dragging himself across the rough concrete, but the man’s shadow loomed over him, unyielding.
For a moment, the man paused, tilting his head as if considering the guy’s plea. His breathing was heavy, his chest rising and falling with each breath, but there was no sympathy in his eyes—only a dark, twisted amusement.
“Oh, you’re sorry?” The man mocked, crouching down beside the man, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “You’re sorry? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Like I’m just gonna forget what you did?”
The guy whimpered, trying to crawl away, but the man grabbed him by the collar, pulling him closer. His grip was iron-tight, and the man winced as the man’s fingers dug into his flesh. “You think sorry fixes everything?” He continued, his tone teetering between anger and dark humor. “You think a little ‘sorry’ is gonna erase the fact that you tried to take advantage of someone tonight? Nah, that ain’t how this works.”
Without warning, he starts to beat him again. Punching him in the face time after time until his knuckles were covered in blood. The sound of the punching echoing in my head, the sound of flesh and blood being mashed together, I couldn’t help but wince every time I heard his fist collied with the guy’s face. But with only a few punches, I didn’t think the guy was breathing anymore. I let out a quiet gasp, covering my mouth, trying to process how I practically witnessed a murder. I watched as the man sat there, catching his breath as he continued to look down at the now unrecognizable face of the guy who tried to take advantage of me. Then the man slowly stood up, his chest still rising and falling as he then slowly turns to look at me. His knuckles dripping with blood.
“Now that,” The man muttered, wiping his bloodied hands on his jeans, “is what sorry really looks like.”
He let out a light chuckle, as if he was getting a kick out of this, as he started to approach me, my vision still a bit blurry but not just from the alcohol now, but the feeling of fear and adrenaline washing over me. This was all overwhelming as it felt like my heart was about to burst out of my chest. Before the man could get any closer to me, I did something unexpected. I started laughing. I leaned over a bit as my hand stayed on my mouth as I couldn’t stop laughing, feeling the weight of the situation finally starting to crash down on me. I couldn’t stop. The man stopped in his tracks, looking down on me as he watched the odd display.
“What’s so damn funny?” The man asked, his tone still a bit rough as he gave me a slight push, not too hard to knock me over but to try to put some sense into me.
I started to simmer down my laughs as I slowly started to feel my throat dry up again. I sniffled as tears started to suddenly form in my eyes now. Letting out a gasp as my emotions took over as I started breaking down in tears. I was flooded, caught between terror and relief, unsure how to process what had just happened. My body slouched over as I covered my face, the area around us growing quiet as we could only hear rock music from the distance, echoing from the bar. The sound of my crying could be heard in this empty, dark parking lot.
For a moment, he stood there, watching me, unsure what to do himself. He didn’t seem used to dealing with this—people breaking down, crying. I was standing there, shaking and crying, and somehow, that cut through the haze of violence in his mind.
“Hey, hey… stop that,” He muttered, his voice rough but softer than usual as he approached me. He reached out, hesitating for a split second before placing a hand on my shoulder, his touch surprisingly gentle for a man who had just been so brutal. “None of that cryin’ stuff, alright? You’re safe now. Ain’t nobody gonna hurt you while I’m around.”
I sniffled, uncovering my face as I wiped away the rest of my tears. Still trembling as I lifted my hand, tempted to shove away his touch, but as I looked up at him through my tear-filled eyes, I had a strange feeling, like I was being seen in this moment, and there was no use and trying to push away the comfort I’ve been craving to have for so long. Still a bit intimidated by him, I somehow felt less scared due to his reassurance. I looked away, trying to calm down. Despite me still being drunk, I couldn’t shake off how weird this situation was as well.
“I… don’t know what to do.” I muttered as my gaze shifted from his. Trying to focus on something else rather than the murderer or the dead guy behind him.
He continued to look at me a bit dumbfounded as he frowned. I somehow had a feeling this isn’t his first rodeo of killing someone like this because of his shift to such calm nature afterwards. But unfortunately, comforting others like this wasn’t his strong suit. Yet here he was, still here with me.
“Listen to me,” he said, his voice firm but laced with an unexpected warmth. “You don’t gotta do anything right now. Just… breathe, okay? Just breathe.” He kept his hand on my shoulder, a steadying presence amid the chaos. “You’re tougher than you think, alright? You survived this, and that’s what matters.”
I nodded weakly, still refusing to look him in the eye as my tears started to lessen. Just trying to focus on my breathing like he said, and it worked. I closed my eyes for a moment, sighing to myself. Feeling strangely relaxed despite everything. He cleared his throat a bit as he started to rub my shoulder. He shifted his grip, pulling me slightly closer in an awkward, but genuine attempt at comfort. “I ain’t exactly the best at this kinda thing,” he admitted, his tone gruff but sincere. “But I’m here, okay? You don’t have to be scared anymore. Not while I’m around.”
I leaned into him, my breath hitching a bit as I wasn’t used to this sort of thing. Especially by a man I didn’t know. I rested against his chest, letting the rest of my tears fall. He stood there, holding me in his own rough way, his mind still racing. But his actions are clear. He could tell I wasn’t all there. That was enough to convince him to stay, even though he couldn't quite explain why.
It didn't take me long to find myself sitting in the passenger seat of his rusty old red truck. My body felt like it could shut down at any moment. I heard him enter the driver’s seat, slamming his side of the door shut, I looked over at him as I watched him start up the truck. His knuckles still have a bit of dried-up blood left on them as he placed his palms on the steering wheel. I looked away, leaning my head against the passenger door as he started to drive off. The sound of the sand underneath the tires slowly faded away as I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. No matter what happened to me, or what was going to happen to me tonight, it didn't matter. Even if this feeling of safety only lasted for a moment. That’s all I’ve cared about. As the ride in the murderer’s truck continued, I shut my eyes and fell asleep.