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Or, a short list of terrible financial decisions things that Dazai Osamu spent his mafia salary on:
1. The naming and ownership rights to 520 stars to form the manmade, super-constellation that spells out “Chuuya, you’re my dog for life” over Yokohama’s sky.
This means that Dazai’s incredibly incensed on the first time that Chuuya volunteers to go on a solo assassination trip to Indonesia, without even giving him a heads-up. How could he allow the little man to live somewhere where the sky above him doesn’t spell out the reminder of his ownership? Dazai ends up paying for another set of 520 stars to cover the sky in the southern hemisphere.
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2. A fully-owned private publishing house that specializes in printing and distributing full-colored newsletters proclaiming all of the embarrassing failures that happen in Chuuya’s life. Things that are covered in the newsletter include things such as Chuuya’s arms bulging unattractively as he fails to open a can of pickles, or Chuuya’s feet not reaching the ground when he’s riding his new bike, or Chuuya blushing weirdly at the sight of another ugly hat.
The publishing house also includes paid treatment for its employees to undergo regular eye-bleaching and wellness checks, to ensure that they don’t become sickened by glancing at inadvertent photos of a silly small slug jumping around.
On an unrelated note, this publishing house is also one street away from a morgue and a cemetery.
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3. An entire community—complete with properly faked backstories and credentials—all for the sole purpose of trapping Chuuya in a scenario where a stranger professes his love to him, only to eventually reveal that said stranger can’t be with him because her entire family suffers from phobia over small-sized men. In Dazai’s totally unbiased opinion, it’s a screenplay worthy of the Oscars. Dazai has skipped multiple meetings just so he could draft all the scripts for everyone in that community, from the hired stranger, the hired stranger’s fake family and neighbors, and the hired stranger’s fake schoolmates and coworkers.
It’s such a wonderful screenplay, that it’s a shame that all of the meticulous preparation that he has done all become naught in the face of a dog’s bloodhound-level instincts.
Dazai comforts himself by thinking that Chuuya’s probably already resigned to the fact that his short height isn’t going to get him in the radar of anyone interested in dating or romance. Chuuya’s probably just using an excuse when he declines the hired actress’s invitations to meet her parents. Chuuya’s probably just accepting that he’s such a shorty and won’t compare to someone of Dazai’s charm and height.
“I could smell your fishiness anywhere,” is what Chuuya tells him, right after spotting him immediately in his hiding spot. “Why the hell are you hiring some randos to try and flirt with me badly? Do you think I wouldn’t know that you’re the one behind this? When her opening line calls me a slug?”
Dazai shudders as he avoids the kick that Chuuya sends towards the tree he’s perched on. “Wow, I can’t believe that such stupid people exist in this world.”
“I also can’t believe that you somehow exist,” comes the snippy retort.
“My instructions were very clear for her to call you a Chihuahua, how dare she call you a slug without my permission?”
Chuuya gives him an unimpressed look. “Maybe you should spend your money to have your brain checked, oi.”
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4. A whole collection of romance self-help books. Not because Dazai is losing confidence in his flirting skills, of course. But mastering the craft oftentimes require immersing oneself in terrible, elementary-level versions of it.
Once he gets ownership of all the romance self-help books in the city, it means that he could publish his own version, and make sure that it floods the market instead. His books would not only help pitiful souls unable to maximize their charm, but they’d also include subliminal messaging about how and why Chuuya is his dog for life, and why Chuuya is just a little man who can’t defeat him in their bets.
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5. An entire room full of engagement rings.
This comes after Dazai is particularly moved to witness the evolution of a slug—Dazai is very surprised to hear the words ‘engagement ring’ coming out from Chuuya’s mouth. The context is irrelevant in the face of his surprise at the fact that Chuuya’s mind has evolved to the level of saying a four-character kanji.
Why is Chuuya even talking about such a thing? It doesn’t matter! The important thing is that not only is Chuuya evolving to know such a phrase, but his eyes are also sparkling as he says it. It’s such an ugly sight, that Dazai has no choice but to exterminate all engagement rings, just in case they make Chuuya’s eyes glow like this again.
…Of course, after some time, it’s obvious that Chuuya’s just talking about something he has heard over the latest television drama that he’s watching. Regardless, it’s very uncomfortable to witness Chuuya’s eyes sparkling more than the gems on such rings, so it’s best that Dazai buys them all so Chuuya won’t ever see such a thing again.
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6. A television channel specializing in one thing alone: playing a 24/7 loop of Dazai reciting his preliminary list of Top 1000 Most Hateful Things About A Certain Slug. He uses a voice changer and a mosaic over his face, because he’s a mafioso whose presence decorate several ‘Most Wanted’ lists.
It’s a shame that he has to condense the list to just 1000 items. He really should skip several meetings so he can record another 1000.
Anyway, it’s very important that the world is aware that #969 is how Chuuya’s thighs are so muscled that they don’t work as comfortable pillows. Isn’t that very hateful? Aren’t dogs supposed to provide a safe haven for their owners? Chuuya’s really such a useless dog, urgh.
On an unrelated note, he has to pay extra fees to make sure that his channel doesn’t get taken down for suspicions of spreading terrorism.
And to make sure that Chuuya tunes in to that channel so he becomes more aware about his long list of personality defects, Dazai also has to hire a plane to write several marquee messages on the sky to let Chuuya know about the channel’s existence.
“…You know that you could have just sent me the link so I could watch it, right.” From beside him, Chuuya’s face is flatter than the ground after he stomps it down using gravity. “Instead of doing all this nonsense while I’m in the middle of kicking our mission target’s ass?”
As the strategist, Dazai can just sit on top of a rock, look cool, calm and collected, and lord over Chuuya with his height. He smiles and crosses his arms. “Fufufu, are you saying that you can’t multitask between destroying someone and reading a message in the sky?”
“I’m saying that your choice of fonts is ugly as hell.”
He purses his lips, because the effects really aren’t that good, even from the perspective of a tasteful person like him. “Mm. I’ll send you the link instead—oh, does this mean that you’ve stopped your futile attempts at blocking me?”
Chuuya breaks their target’s legs casually using one hand, while his other hand takes his phone out of his pants. “That reminds me. Let me unblock you, just so I could block you once again.”
“You do know I can just make multiple accounts? You can’t escape me, little man.”
“…Urgh, why do you sound so happy, you bastard.”
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7. A full season of a television drama starring Oshamoo and Chewya, two enemies turned lifelong friends.
This is in response to Mori’s constant comments about how the two of them—urgh—get along so well. It’s such a disgusting concept, but Dazai is committed to harming Chuuya any way that he could.
Each time Mori makes that comment, Chuuya always makes such an animated expression of disgust. If Chuuya could see such a concept as a television drama, he might end up crying out of horror, to the point that all the water would leave his body and he’d shrink like a pitiful slug who could only be so small that he’d end up in Dazai’s palms.
In any case, Dazai becomes the shadow investor, producer and director for the whole production. Since he can’t be there to supervise everything directly, he has to spend extra money to ensure that everything is done according to his vision.
It’s another screenplay worthy of international awards, in his unbiased opinion. The drama over two youngsters—one tall, one small—over the last cup of pudding in 7-11, and then the thrilling fight over the last available seat in a crowded train… It’s sure to invoke feelings of hatred and enmity.
Sadly, Dazai himself has to cancel the streaming of the drama. While making sure that he gets to watch the first episode with Chuuya, his ears have to suffer through hearing Chuuya’s commentary, such as:
“Why do they have to hold hands like that when they’re supposedly teaming up to beat someone up?”
“I thought he said he hated him? Why is he making fake love confessions to his face? What kind of shitty character setting is this?”
“I’m so glad I don’t have anyone named Oshamoo in my life, I would have punched him immediately just for that name.”
…Urgh, his dog is unbelievably stupid, not even knowing that his name is Osamu!
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8. Several paired and matching phones and game consoles. Just in case he has to challenge Chuuya to a bet using those devices, it never hurts to have an extra—tampered—device ready for his use.
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9. A wine estate in Hokkaido, complete with two mansions: one with European-style architecture, and another with a more traditional Japanese layout. It’s hidden away from the rest of the world, making it an excellent getaway destination.
Dazai’s not an idiot who is addicted to wine, but he can appreciate good alcohol. The estate is an idea that he hears from Chuuya’s drunken mouth directly. That said, it’s not that he has Chuuya in mind when he bought and furnished this lovely vacation home that could also serve as a retirement home.
It’s only that he can’t wait for Chuuya to realize that his dream retirement estate has already been made into reality by Dazai. Oh, how mad would he be once he finds out? How jealous would he be? How much would he beg for Dazai to bring him there so he could see such a well-maintained wine estate?
…Fufufu, he can’t wait to find out.
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10. Pet microchips are unfortunately unable to implemented on humans, so Dazai has to make do with buying a lot of trackers and bugs. After all, even if he’s not around, it doesn’t mean that he can just allow his dog to run around on his own.
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Atsushi squints as he looks at his mentor’s wallet, one that manages to be more pitiful and emptier than his own. “So you mean to tell me, that even though you’re ex-mafia, unlike Akutagawa, you don’t have any money?”
Dazai doesn’t look bothered by the state of his finances, and his cashflow rivaling a corpse with its flatlining. He smiles, brighter than the sun outside. There’s a large headset hanging around his neck, presumably from his… observations and tracking all over Yokohama’s important hubs. There’s a suspiciously familiar voice coming from the headset, one that’s suspiciously similar to a certain gravity manipulator.
Dazai’s smile widens. “You’ll understand once you become older, Atsushi-kun. There are some things that only money can buy.”
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end