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Today, Annie and Matthias just moved into their brand new house somewhere. It was a really nice house that was probably white or something, and like, with a yard probably.
Anyway, they were having a house warming party and inviting all their friends! Except they were all Annie’s friends, because Matthias is a loser with no lore and nobody likes him.
Thanks, Netease.
There was a bunch of balloons and stuff for decorations, but that’s it. Because houses in this economy are expensive and this couple is broke. And also there was a really hideous blank cake from Walmart because they couldn’t afford any icing on the ugly frosting.
Suddenly, the first guest rung the doorbell. Annie was the one to open the door, being greeted with the scary face of her least favourite friend, Aesop Carl. “Hello, Aesop!” she greeted with a strained smile. “Come in! The party’s just getting started!”
Aesop wordlessly stepped into the house and stood in the center of the room menacingly, not knowing what to do.
Why is he doing that? Is he stupid?
Matthias walked up to Annie and cowered behind her, frightened by the spooky man. “Pookie, he’s scaring me,” he mumbled into her shoulder before hiding his face behind her back.
“It’s okay, Kitten,” she consoled, “Mommy’s got it covered.” She cleared her throat, standing tall as she drew Aesop’s attention to her. “Why don’t you have a seat right over there?” she asked him, gesturing to the couch.
And then Aesop did that, and he continuously slid off of the couch and slid back up like when survivors sit on the interactable furniture in the shop.
By the way, he didn’t bring them a gift, and that was really rude.
The doorbell rung again, and on the doorstep was Ganji, Annie’s bestie forever.
Annie let out a squeal of excitement and jumped up and down with even more excitement, which scared Matthias, who ran away to the kitchen to get away from the noise. “Oh em gee, bestie Ganji!”
“Hello, ‘Bestie,’” Ganji said, waving at her. He didn’t say bestie, but just for Annie, he did, because they were besties.
“Thank fuck you’re here, Aesop freaked out my husband!”
Aesop freaked out everyone, actually, but he was there anyway because Annie loved all her friends equally.
“Ew what a wicked man,” Ganji replied, scowling at Aesop who was still doing that weird idle animation thing. “Oh yeah also this is for you.”
Ganji handed her a small box full of something. “Aw, thank you!” Annie cupped her hand over her mouth and shouted, “Matty Watty! Come look at this present bestie Ganji got us!”
Matthias scurried over to the front door and looked at the box warily. “Oh… It’s very nice,” he said, wringing his hands together. “Thanks, Ganji.”
“You’re welcome.”
As soon as the door closed behind Ganji, an agitating, grating dog burst through, making a big dog sized hole in the wood. It was Victor’s stupid ugly dog that drooled everywhere and stank up the place.
“I hate that dog,” Matthias said, glaring at the creature while it ran around the entire house. “Why did you invite it?”
“I didn’t,” Annie said. “It comes with Victor wherever he goes.”
“Then where’s Victor?”
“I don’t know.”
And then they kissed for two seconds really disgustingly with really nasty slurping noises. It looked like that one drawing people on Twitter draw all their ships as. The kiss ended as if nothing happened. Love wins!
They were all disturbed when they noticed Victor emerging from the hole that Wick made, contorting like a spooky TikTok video that would get on your for you page in the middle of the night before you went to bed.
This whole party sucked just as bad as Identity V.
Victor waved hello and tried to speak, but instead all that came out was “Mrph mrph mrph” because his mouth was sewn shut. He opened the door, which he could’ve done to get in but chose not to, to reveal a package sitting on the floor.
“Oh?” Annie was the one to pick up the package. “It’s for you, Matthias!”
“Oh… But I didn’t buy anything,” Matthias said, confused. He picked it up anyway and looked at it suspiciously.
“Maybe it’s the maid dress I bought for you for when we get freaky!”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Anyway, they turned around to sit on the couch because everyone was there now, only for Aesop to show up behind Victor with a menacing glare. Matthias let out a girly scream, Ganji backed away, Victor fell to the floor, and Annie jolted like a normal person. “This reminds me of the time I was a cashier at Publix,” Aesop said with some Family Guy music in the background.
Suddenly everyone saw a vision of Aesop working at the customer service counter at a random Publix, almost like some sort of cutaway gag.
The customer he was helping? Florian Brand. Everyone cheered.
“I hate this sandwich,” Florian said, slapping a half eaten Publix Sub on the counter. “I think it has lead in it.”
“Oh,” Aesop said, staring at the sandwich that made the entire counter dirty with all the mustard Florian ordered on it. I think Florian got mustard for Christmas. “Sorry, I can’t refund that. You ate it.”
“I hate this fucking store! Fuck you!”
Florian took out his water hose that was a hose and not something that shoots the Epcot ball at you, and sprayed Aesop in the face with ten identitrillion gallons of water.
“What did that have to do with anything we were doing?” Matthias asked, annoyed now.
Aesop didn’t say anything. In the distance, you could hear Peter Griffin’s laugh haunting the house.
Wait… Did they live at… 31 Spooner Street in Quahog Rhode Island?!?! That’s crazy!
“Uh… Open the package, Matthias!”
Matthias tore open the box only to find…
A Louis doll?! What the fuck?!
Looking at the label showed that it came from one Orpheus DeRoss, all the way from the Oletus Manor somewhere in Great Britain.
“Fuck!” Matthias shouted, slamming Louis onto the floor. If Louis were a normal doll, he would’ve either shattered into a million peaces or scratched a little bit. But Louis wasn’t a normal doll, so he was completely fine.
“I can’t take this shit anymore!” Matthias lit a match that he conveniently had in his pocket and lit the entire house on fire with everyone in it.
“Yippee! I love fire!” Annie exclaimed, hugging Matthias. “I love you, my pookie dookie cupcake kitten! To die by your side is the most heavenly way to die!”
And then they kissed and made out while everything and everyone burned around them. And the house burst into flames and they all died. Except Louis because Orpheus made him out of evil Louis materials so he was immortal.
Peter Griffin also showed up doing his default png pose. “Look! I’m in the Identity V fanfic too!”
The end :)