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Beatrice loved Ava’s voice. She was used to Ava’s voice surrounding her all the time. She noticed Ava loved to talk, filling the silence with questions, observations, and laughter. It wasn’t strange, considering that for 12 years, her voice was the only way she could interact with the world.
Beatrice, on the other hand, had always been quieter. Being a nun didn’t help with that, often having to spend many hours in silent contemplation. Still, she tried for Ava. Answering her endless questions and teaching her the things she missed growing up, like cooking or swimming.
Beatrice was so attuned to Ava’s voice that she was surprised when she woke up in their apartment in silence. It was early morning, and Ava wasn’t in bed. Usually, Beatrice woke up before her, and in the rare instances that Ava did, she always put on some music or the television—anything to fill the silence. When she woke up earlier than Beatrice, it was probably because of a nightmare.
Neither was a stranger to nightmares, even years after the end of the Holy War. Everything that happened and all the people they lost still hunted them. Still, Beatrice worried since the apartment was silent and Ava wasn’t in the room or the bathroom. Feeling her heart beating loudly in her ears, she made her way to the kitchen, where she found Ava sitting and staring at the wall, a cup of something warm in front of her.
“Ava? What’s wrong?”
Ava turned to look at Beatrice. Her eyes were red like she had been crying. She shook her head, and her eyes filled with new tears.
“Darling, please tell me.”
Ava stood up and hugged Beatrice, her tears wetting her chest.
“Ava, you are worrying me. What happened?”
Ava finally calmed enough to look at Beatrice, but no sound came out when she opened her mouth. Beatrice was surprised. "You can’t talk?”
Ava nodded, glad that Beatrice understood her.
“Come here, write the answers to my question, ok?”
Ava sat at the table while Beatrice brought her a notebook. “When did this start?”
Today, when I woke up.
“Does anything hurt?”
Only my throat.
Beatrice put her hand on Ava's forehead. "You don’t have a fever. Has anything out of the ordinary happened in the last few days? Is there something that could explain this?”
Ava furrowed her eyebrows while thinking. Suddenly, her eyes lit up, and a blush raised from her chest.
“Ava? What is it?”
I’m embarrassed.
“You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
Ava nodded and started furiously writing in the paper. When she was done, she passed it to Beatrice and looked away.
Beatrice took the paper and started to decipher Ava’s writing. Even when it improved over the years, it remained hard to follow.
Remember when I arrived late from work the other day? I told you I was covering a coworker's shift. The truth is that I wanted to surprise you. I was planning a little picnic for us in the lake, so I wanted to check out the best spot to do it. I wasn’t careful enough and tripped straight into the water. I was too embarrassed to come home like that, so I just walked around waiting for my clothes to dry up. I guess that wasn’t that smart at the end of the winter.
Beatrice couldn’t help but laugh when she finished reading Ava’s story. Ava pushed her lightly in her arm, pouting. “I-I’m sorry,” Beatrice said, trying to regain her composure. “You should never be embarrassed, Ava. Not with me. Or don’t you remember the seagull incident?”
Ava took back the paper. How was I supposed to know that seagulls ate French fries?
Beatrice kept her smile. "My point is, I love you, Ava. All of you. No matter how embarrassing it is.”
Ava’s eyes softened, and she moved forward to kiss Beatrice, but she was stopped before reaching her destination. “Sorry, but no kisses if you are sick.”
Ava crossed her arms and pouted, using her best puppy eyes that always worked on Beatrice. Not this time, though.
“Let’s eat breakfast, and then we’ll go to the doctor. We need to check out your voice.”
The walk towards the doctor's office was quiet. Usually, Ava would point out things and make jokes, but now she could only look around. The doctor made them enter after half an hour, the benefits of living in a small town.
Ava didn’t like going to the doctor; she was reminded too much of her childhood, and with the Halo's healing power, she rarely needed to. But they had discovered that the Halo couldn’t protect against diseases. So there they were.
“Beatrice, Ava. What brings you here?”
“Hello, doctor.” Beatrice said, as proper as always, “We are here because Ava has lost her voice.”
“Has she had any other symptoms?”
“Only a dry throat.”
“Has she been in contact with anyone sick?”
“No that I know of, but she works in a bar, so it’s possible.”
The doctor nodded and finished writing some things. “Come here, Ava. Let me examine you.”
Ava sat on the stretcher, and the doctor examined her throat and heard her lungs. The doctor didn’t make Ava take off her shirt, for which she was grateful, not looking forward to explaining the Halo scar.
“It looks like laryngitis. I will prescribe some medicine, and you should take plenty of fluids and lemon and ginger tea.”
Ava tapped Beatrice’s arm, motioning with her hands. Beatrice didn’t understand at first, but then she noticed Ava counting. “How long will Ava remain without a voice?”
“It usually lasts about two to three days,” Ava deflated at that, “and after that, you shouldn’t be forcing your voice, or you could damage your vocal cords permanently.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
Ava's energy dimmed on the way back to the apartment. Beatrice stopped to get the medicine and the tea ingredients, and Ava followed, not even touching Beatrice.
The apartment was silent, and Ava crashed on the sofa, closing her eyes and breathing deeply.
“Are you ok?”
Ava shook her head and motioned for a paper.
I just feel useless.
“You are sick, Ava. It’s totally normal, and I’ll be here to take care of you.”
Ava smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.
“There’s more, isn’t it?
It just reminded me too much about the orphanage. How my own body betrayed me and couldn’t function properly. When I woke up today, I felt something was wrong. And when I couldn’t talk, I felt transported to then, to those feelings of helplessness.
A tear fell on Ava’s face, which Beatrice wiped. “I won’t pretend to understand your feelings about that, but I’m here for you, Ava. I told you before I wouldn’t leave you, even if you were stuck to bed again.”
I know. I just can’t control these thoughts sometimes. I feel like I’m going to wake up back in the orphanage, and all of this would have been a dream.
Beatrice hugged Ava, murmuring assurances in her ear. Ava fell asleep in the arms of the woman she loved.
When Ava woke up after a couple of hours, her mood was improved. She put on the radio and motioned at Beatrice to dance with her. They danced in the kitchen, only the music breaking the silence.
Ava then decided they needed to do a horror movie marathon ( I won’t scream. She wrote to Beatrice, who rolled her eyes.) Beatrice liked horror movies, not for the genre itself but for how Ava would curl over her, hiding at her side. Even after all they had seen, Ava still got scared by those types of movies. Beatrice suspected Ava was faking most of her reactions, using them as an excuse to touch her. This was ridiculous since they could touch each other freely, but maybe it was a habit that Ava had developed during their time in Switzerland.
They lay on the sofa, popcorn, and tea ready for the films. Even when Ava couldn’t make a sound, she still reacted to the jumpscares, hiding her face in Beatrice’s body. Beatrice would then caress her back and tell her when it was safe to look again. The marathon didn’t last long, with Ava falling asleep in the middle of the second film and Beatrice taking her to bed. She must have been really sick since she didn’t even stir.
Beatrice was working in the living room when she heard a voice coming from the bedroom. It wasn’t Ava's voice, but another woman’s. Curious, she went to check the room. Ava was lying on the bed with her phone in her hands, a face of concentration.
“Ava?”
Ava almost dropped the phone, but she managed to grab it and started typing on it.
Look Bea. I can communicate like this. A robotic voice came from the phone.
Beatrice raised her eyebrows, “Ok, Siri, Are you hungry?”
After typing, Ava’s phone replied, yes, could we have soup? My throat hurts.
“Of course. You are welcome to join me in the kitchen if you want. Or I can bring you the food here when I’m done.”
I must be dying if you want to bring food to the bed, Ava smirked at Beatrice.
“I’m just taking care of you, Ava. But since you seem to have more energy, come on.”
Beatrice liked to cook for Ava, even when Ava now surpassed her abilities in the kitchen. But from time to time, Ava would insist she made some of the dishes they used to eat in Switzerland. Tonight’s menu would be Miso Soup, something simple but comforting.
Since discovering her phone could speak for her, Ava couldn’t stop writing on it. But when she wrote too fast, she made many typos that the robotic voice repeated. Beatrice just laughed with her, happy that Ava was finding a new way to communicate that wasn’t in writing, even when the phone’s voice had no emotion and a British accent. Something that Ava had chosen on purpose, she was sure.
They ate in silence, Ava too preoccupied with eating to bother using her phone. Beatrice didn’t feel the need to fill the silence. She would rather wait for Ava to be able to communicate with her than have a one-way conversation. From time to time, she would catch glimpses of Ava looking at her, eyes full of emotion.
When they were in bed, Beatrice decided to tell Ava something she had noticed during the day. “I know you miss being able to speak, but I can hear you anyway. It’s the way your body is always looking to touch mine, the way your eyes reflect every emotion you are feeling, the way you smile or cry. I love your voice, but I also love all of you. Even at dinner, I could feel everything you would be telling me. How the soup reminded you of when you first fell sick when we were training, or your thoughts about the movies we saw. About the dreams you had during the day. Or how pissed your boss is going to be since he won’t have his best worker for a few days. Ava, I don’t need words to hear you loud and clear.”
Ava looked at her with eyes filled with emotion, and when she went to kiss her, Beatrice didn’t stop her this time.