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Once, when Jess was eight, he’d fallen off his bike and cracked his head on the pavement. Hard enough that he’d needed five stitches. Liz, although mother of the year nominee she was not, had been so worried that she’d stayed home all week and fussed about him. They’d watched movies and ordered pizza and concussion aside, it had been the best week of Jess’s life.
After that, Jess had realized Liz was at her peak when she was worried. When he jumped off the jungle gym at recess and broke his wrist, she took him out for milkshakes. When he twisted an ankle skateboarding, he got a weekend of Liz bringing him breakfast in bed. A fall from a tree had her reading him a bedtime story.
The problem of course was that all those stunts were less than pleasant for him. He wasn’t actually too keen on wearing casts for the rest of his life, so he found new ways to worry Liz. Getting brought home by the cops was always a sure fire way to make her pay attention. Failing a class or getting into a fight had similar effects. By the time he was ten, he had gotten attention seeking down to an art form.
Eventually, Liz had gone from worried and doting to annoyed with him. Quickly she stopped being willing to come down and pick him up from the principal’s office, stopped answering the door when the cops brought him home, just an all around stoppage. She still yelled occasionally, and Jess appreciated the half hearted attempt, but she’d quickly tire of it.
It really shouldn’t have surprised him when she woke him up one morning, just a few weeks after his sixteenth birthday, and told him he was going to live with the uncle he only saw at occasional holidays. Really, he should’ve always expected to find himself on a bus leaving her and their life behind for good. It shouldn’t have stung so bad.
Things were rocky from the first words he exchanged with his uncle. Under any other circumstances, Luke’s clueless ramblings about Frosted Flakes would’ve been amusing. But all Jess could feel was fucking pissed.
And sure, he can admit that he didn’t exactly help the situation. He wasn’t renown for being able to charm adults. According to every teacher since kindergarten, ‘a pleasure to have in class’ he was not.
But Luke was a fucking anomaly. Every other adult Jess pissed off, Liz first and foremost, wanted nothing to do with him by the end. Sure he’d get a lecture, get their undivided attention for an hour or two, but then it was all ‘sayonara, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.’ Lorelai Gilmore, example numero uno. She’d given him the stink eye ever since he met her (and stole her beer and maybe implied she was screwing his uncle or something but who can remember little details like that?). He’d even overheard her once telling Luke to ship his ass back to New York. While he would love to get the hell out of Stars Hollow, he didn’t really appreciate Lorelai so adamantly agreeing with that sentiment.
But Luke. Luke just wouldn’t ship him off. No matter what. It was truly bizarre. In fact, Jess had gotten to listen (eavesdrop) while he told Lorelai off for even suggesting it. He gave some speech about family and helping each other out and blah blah blah. It was pretty easy to tune Luke’s lectures out, he gave a lot of them.
Even after Jess pulled his usual stunts, stunts that would’ve made Liz yell and scream—and then leave for a week long stay with some new boyfriend—Luke never wavered. Jess steals garden gnomes from Babette’s yard; Luke makes him bring them back; he stays in Stars Hollow. Jess covers Taylor’s market in ‘wanted’ flyers with the man’s own face on them; Luke forces him to take them down; he stays in Stars Hollow. Jess skips school; Luke walks him to and from school like a first grader; he stays in fucking Stars Hollow.
Sure, Luke was a yeller. He was a lot like Liz in that way.
Like his sister, Luke would yell and rant and rave at Jess. But unlike Liz, he had follow through. He was a lot of things, but apparently a quitter was not one of them.
Jess really wished he was more of a quitter, right now.
Luke was standing in front of him, literal steam about to start shooting from his ears, and teeth clenched so hard Jess thought he ought to see a dentist after this. Clearly the stress of having a teenager has driven him to need a mouth guard.
“I have had it, Jess. Absolutely up to here,” Luke demonstrated his level of ‘had it’ with a hand held just above his head. Jess fought the urge to point out that Luke wasn’t holding his hand as high as he could, so presumably he could actually stand to have it a little bit more.
“Wow, that’s high.” Jess diplomatically said instead.
Luke’s face went up a few shades on the red colour spectrum. “You–“ he yanked his baseball hat off, wringing it in one hand while running his other through his hair. “Jess–“ nope, still couldn’t find the words, this time the hand scrubbed over his face.
“Don’t worry, deep breath. You’ll get there.” Jess supplied helpfully. Luke’s eyes shot to him.
It was too bad his uncle would definitely abhor the idea of weed because there were probably few people on Earth who would benefit more from smoking a joint right now.
At least the outraged indignation at Jess’ lip reignited Luke’s ability to speak. “What in god’s name were you thinking Jess?” The question came out low and grumbly. It was mildly disconcerting, making Jess shift around and swallow. Luke loud and flustered was easy to handle (and frankly rather funny). But quiet and serious? Not as much fun.
What had he been thinking?
Like most things, he’d really just been thinking that it seemed like fun. And there were so few fun things to do in this little house on the prairie knockoff town, so Jess had to take his kicks where he could.
Also. It was Taylor’s fault anyway.
See, last week Taylor had come into the diner going on and on about some first annual 4H festival they were having in town. He wanted Luke to contribute burgers or put up signs or something. Jess wasn’t really listening, another Taylor versus Luke showdown was old hat by now.
Then Taylor mentioned the petting zoo.
That got Jess’ attention.
There was going to be a bunch of livestock in the town? That could have some interesting possibilities.
Taylor kept yapping, talking about how reporters were going to come to town and people from all over were going to come. But Jess’ mind was already whirring with possibilities to liven up that crowd.
So yeah, naturally, Jess had stolen some goats. And chickens. And pigs. He left the donkeys behind because he wasn’t insane.
On the eve of the big festival, Jess had snuck out of the apartment in the dead of night and crept quietly to the makeshift barn. It had been set up in the town center, a perfect distance from Jess’ targets.
It had taken him a couple hours, but determination and hard work really did get the job done. Wouldn’t his guidance counselor be happy to hear him thinking that? She always wanted him more motivated. And the thought of the look on the locals’ faces when they woke up brought him plenty of motivation. Maybe this was how the Grinch had felt on Christmas Eve?
In total, he’d stuck two goats in Taylor’s market, a pig in Miss Patty’s studio, a few chickens in the video rental store, and half a dozen various barnyard animals in the high school. He’d considered bringing one into Luke’s diner, for fairness sake, but he was bold not stupid. Besides, he’d be the one having to clean up after it in the morning.
After returning home, Jess was woken up much earlier than he’d ever willingly be up by hollering in the street. For the first time in his life, Jess was alright with hopping out of bed at the crack of dawn, eagerly throwing the window open to watch the commotion. Luke was already awake, standing on the street below, confusion rolling off him while he watched Taylor losing his mind.
For so early in the morning, the town was already bumping. A dozen people were down there, all gesturing wildly, voices blending together into one angry symphony.
Jess couldn’t contain his audible laugh as a goat came running out of Taylor’s market, ripped up magazine dangling from its mouth. Luke’s head turned to look up at his window, their eyes locking. Jess saw the moment Luke realized his role in all this, the man’s eyes narrowing. Luke turned on his heel and headed back to the diner, not bothering to excuse himself from whatever rant Taylor was spewing at him.
Jess groaned, ducking out of the window. He shut it once more, not wanting the whole town to hear the inevitable lecture he was about to get.
“Well? What were you thinking, Jess?” Luke looked like he was actually expecting Jess to have a good answer. Like he was really hoping Jess would tell him that some guy held a gun to his head in the middle of the night and made him release all the animals inside.
He didn’t seem to appreciate the shrug Jess gave. “Was bored.”
“Bored? You were bored?” Luke’s jaw had literally dropped. He physically shook himself, reclenching said jaw. “Well, hey, if you’re bored then we can fix that. Rest assured, you’re not going to be bored for another second for the foreseeable future. No, sirree. Starting right now, you just bought yourself town cleanup duty,” Luke spoke louder over Jess’ groans, “yep, you, my nephew, are going to be scrubbing floor to ceiling every single building you Free Willie’d anything. You’re going to be doing any other chores Miss Patty and Taylor and anyone else you wronged can think up.”
“Come on, Luke. You can’t actually think I’m gonna work as Taylor’s maid. You know that won’t end well for anyone.”
“Oh I don’t just think it. I know it. I’m requiring it.” Luke looked like he was getting on a roll here, perking himself up with the joy of doling out repercussions.
Jess leaned against the wall, preparing himself for the long haul here.
“You’re also going to volunteer at the festival all weekend. In fact, you’re going to volunteer for animal cleanup duty specifically. I want you washing out stables and scooping up droppings.”
“Yes Miss Hannigan. We love you Miss Hannigan.”
Luke pointed a finger at him. “This was serious Jess. So be serious. There was real property damage this time, it’s not just some silly little practical joke. You could’ve been arrested.”
“Ooh, Stars Hollow prison. I wonder if they only serve regular muffins and not the pumpkin spice kind? The horrors.”
“Jess.”
Jess rolled his eyes. “Come off it, Luke. They don’t throw people in Sing Sing for a couple loose goats.”
Okay. Maybe he should’ve at least been pretending to be taking this seriously. He could’ve gotten a couple fake tears squeezed out, promised to never do it again and all that after school special shit. Because now Luke looked Mad. Like capital M, someone-call-the-fire-department-because-this-fuse-is-gonna-blow mad.
“You think this is funny? Is this all still just some big joke to you, mister?” Uh oh. The ‘mister’ card. That was Luke’s big guns. Just one step below the- “Am I not making a strong enough impression on you, young man?” Oof. There it was. The dreaded ‘young man.’ The crème de le crème of Luke Danes scoldings. It always felt like Luke had seen a couple episodes of 7th Heaven and just based his lecture style entirely on that. If he was gonna pick a show to model parenting off of, Jess wished he’d gone with something a little more fun. Maybe Full House.
Jess made his eyes as wide as possible, holding his hands up in surrender. “Impression has been made, Uncle Luke. I got it loud and clear. In fact, I think I’ll just go on to my room and think about what I’ve done for awhile.” Jess turned, ready to hightail to back to his room (and more importantly to his bed).
“Freeze.”
Ouch, so close.
“We aren’t done here, Jess.” Jess turned back to see Luke looking worryingly determined. A little butterfly sprouted wings in his stomach at the sight. Was this it? Was this the final hammer dropping where Jess got kicked out once and for all? Would he wind up being sent back to Liz? Or maybe off to some distant third cousin in Ohio or somewhere else equally more dull than Stars Hollow.
“Uh,” Jess cleared his throat, “we aren’t? I think we already got it all. I was wrong. I was bad. I’m gonna be playing maid.”
Luke turned without answering, going over to their kitchenette. He snagged a wooden spoon out of the utensil caddy, holding it firmly. Weird time to cook, but Jess supposed it was technically breakfast time. “Come here.” Alright, they were gonna cook together apparently. A little uncle-nephew bonding time over scrambled eggs. It was a quick pivot, and Jess would much rather go back to bed, but hey? who was he to argue right now.
Jess made his way into the kitchen area, raising an eyebrow at Luke. “What, you want me to start making the pancakes?”
“Not exactly.”
In under five seconds, Jess found himself being snagged by the collar and hauled closer to his uncle. He was forced to bend at the waist, leaning right over the kitchen island. When he tried to stand back upright, a hand kept him pinned down.
“Luke?”
“Yep?”
“Uh, what’s happening here?”
“You’re a smart kid, Jess. I’m sure you’ll figure it out in a minute.”
The cracking sound that rang out through their apartment took Jess by surprise. What took him by even greater surprise was the pain that blossomed across his backside.
What. The. Fuck.
Oh. Oh fuck no.
“Luke! What the hell, man?” Jess wrenched his neck to look behind him. Luke met his eyes, a horrifyingly determined expression on his face as he raised that damned wooden spoon and brought it right back down on Jess’ ass.
This was not happening. Nope. No way in hell was his grumpy, but well-meaning, uncle actually spanking his ass right now. With a fucking wooden spoon no less!
“Really, Luke, quit it! You can’t do that!” Jess sounded desperate even to himself.
“Can’t do what?” Seriously? He was gonna play dumb right now? Jess’ ass was on the line here, dude.
Clutching the kitchen counter with white knuckles, Jess ground out, “Can’t fucking spank me.” Asshole. Making him say the stupid word.
“Huh, that’s so weird then, because it seems like I am doing just that.” Luke demonstrated this fact by smacking the spoon down several times across Jess’ thighs. “Yeah, I’m definitely spanking you right now. And, you know what? I think I’m just gonna go ahead and keep on spanking your obnoxious, antisocial backside for you. At least until you’ve gotten it through that damn head of yours that you don’t get to pull insane stunts like this.”
All the while, Luke had kept whacking away. Jess found himself audibly grunting with each spank. He desperately wished he’d thought to put on anything other than his thin sleep pants that morning, but how the hell was he supposed to know his ass would need a shield?
“I said I’ll do the chores! And volunteer! And whatever else you said to do.”
He didn’t appreciate the scoff that came from behind him. “Oh yeah, you’re doing all that and anything else I think up for you to do. This is the end of your crap, mister. You and me? We’re coming to a new arrangement, right here right now. You’re gonna shape up and stay on the straight and freaking narrow, or you’re gonna wind up back here, each and every time from now. You hear me?”
It was impossible to hear much of anything else over the racket of loud smacks on his ass and Jess’ own sniffling competing for airtime. But Jess got the gist of the speech. Straight and narrow. Behave. Yep yep, just quit whacking, Luke.
“I hear you! Shaping up as we speak!” Jess was gonna be any shape Luke asked if he would just give his backside some peace.
When Luke stopped his lecturing, Jess found himself wishing he would start up again. Because now the only thing Jess had to focus on was the steadily increasing burn in his ass and his own losing battle with tears.
Yup. There they were.
With eyes overflowing, Jess rested his face on the cool kitchen counter, letting it absorb the wetness. He really wished Luke had just been scrambling eggs.
It felt like Luke really gave his all to the final flurry of swats, but, blessedly, it was eventually over. Hallelujah, Hail Mary, etc.
Jess stood up the moment Luke’s hand stopped keeping him down. He didn’t wanna risk staying bent over too long lest Luke decide he actually had a few more sins to pay for. And let’s be real, he had a long list of them.
Luke was still holding that damned spoon when Jess finally managed to rub enough dampness out of his eyes to get a good look at him. He looked a little lost.
“You better be washing that thing.” Jess glared at the spoon. “Or better yet, burn it.”
That seemed to reset Luke, his shoulders loosening and a small smile returning to his face. “Oh yeah? I was thinking we should hang it up. Maybe paint a little smiley face on it, keep it on the wall above your bed.” Thankfully he did toss the spoon. Unthankfully it was into the sink, not the garbage.
The two of them stood in the kitchen for a few seconds, both staring at the sink. “Jess–“ Luke cut himself off. His awkwardness would be funny if Jess was capable of finding anything funny with an ass this sore.
As abruptly as Jess had found himself snagged and upended over the counter, he was once again grabbed. This time, Luke simply pulled him into a tight embrace. Jess hadn’t exactly been hugged by a ton of people in his life, so he didn’t say this with a lot of experience, but it was a pretty nice one. Luke’s arms entwined tightly around him, one around his back and the other across his shoulders. A hand rubbed circles between his shoulder blades. His uncle was still enough taller than him that Jess could rest his forehead on his shoulder. Some of Jess’ residual tears got on the front of Luke’s flannel, but Jess felt like that was just the price you had to pay when you decided to whoop your teenage nephew’s ass. Served him right.
Jess was the first to pull back, and Luke let him go, but kept one hand resting on his shoulder. The other came up to cup the side of Jess’ head briefly. “You okay?” An odd question given what just happened.
“As okay as I can be with a kicked ass and goat crap in my future.”
“Oh don’t worry, you’ll get lots of other kinds of crap. Pigs, horse, chicken. The full barnyard sampler. You’ll have a whole lot of four legged friends by the end.”
Maybe he’d get lucky and animal control would get rid of some of Jess’ new friends before he could get started.