Work Text:
Why?
Why don't I feel anything? I was the one who walked in on my dad that day. I was the one who watched as the last ounce of life drained from his face. I was the one who found him hanging from the ceiling. So why don't I feel anything?
I remember the day like it was yesterday. My dad was off work for the first time in months and we were going out to eat as a family. “Iris, go see if your dad’s ready, we need to leave in five minutes.” My mum said. I dragged myself up the stairs and knocked on my parents’ door.
“Dad?” I called out “Are you ready yet, we need to leave.” Silence. “Dad?” I called out again, banging on the door. “Fine, I'm coming in,” I said, opening the door before me. That's when I saw him. That's when I saw the lifeless body of my dad, hanging from the ceiling fan. I should've screamed, I should’ve cried, I should’ve done something, but I just stood there. I stood there like an idiot, not helping my own father.
“Iris? Is everything okay up there?” My mum's voice echoed from downstairs. I could hear her light footsteps creeping up the stairs. “Iris?” She repeated, her voice becoming louder as she crept further and further up the stairs. “Iris, what on earth is going on, what’s taking so long-” and that's when everything shocked me back into reality. My mum started to wail, “Call 999!” she shrieked. My hands shook as I looked at the lifeless body of my dad. “Hurry!” she shrieked again. I grabbed my phone from my pocket, hands fumbling as I did so and called 999. The phone rang once, twice as I put it on speaker, then a voice answered.
“999, what’s your emergency?” Her voice was calm, too calm for this moment. “Hello? Is anyone there?” the soft voice spoke again.
“H-hello,” My mum’s voice trembled. “I-i found my husband, hanging from… from the ceiling.”
“Is your husband breathing?” The voice responded.
“His- his chest isn't moving. I-I think he's dead” That's when my mum broke down.
“Okay ma’am, I'm sending an ambulance, can you tell me your location?” My mum didn't answer, so I did instead.
“We live on 137 Apple-Appleton Lane” I responded.
“Okay, sweetheart, stay on the line with me until the ambulance arrives. Is there anyone else that can stand outside so the paramedics know where to enter?” Oh god. My sister. My sister Astrid was still downstairs.
“Y-yea, my little sister. I’ll… I’ll go tell her.” I made my way downstairs, slowly but surely. My sister was still sitting on the couch. How was I supposed to tell her?
“Iris? Is everything okay? I heard Mum crying.” Astrid’s sweet little voice questioned.
“Something,” I breathed in, gaining my composure. “Somethings happened to Dad so I need you to wait outside for the paramedics and lead them into Mum and Dad’s room when they get here. Can you do that?”
“Is Dad going to be okay?” her innocent voice replied, her small eyes welling up with tears.
“I don't know Astrid. But… I do know that whatever happens, I'm going to be here, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied running out the door as fast as her little legs could take her.
I made my way back upstairs, legs shaking as I did so. My mum was still crying as I entered the room, mascara running down her face. “I’m b-back” I stuttered to the 999 operator.
“Okay sweetheart, is your sister waiting outside for the paramedics?”
“Y-yea” I replied. I don't remember how long I just sat there, listening to the constant sound of my mum's cries. A fog covered my mind, I didn't know what to do, my eyes were dry when I finally snapped back to reality.
“Hey kiddo, we’re here to help you okay” I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.
“Oh no, Astrid, you can't let her see him” I panicked.
“Don’t worry, my colleague is downstairs with her right now, why don't you and your mum go too?” his voice was soft, as he handed me my phone, the 999 operator no longer on the other side. I softly grabbed my mum's arm, helping her down the stairs slowly. We made it to the living room and she collapsed immediately onto the couch. I, instead sank slowly next to my sister who was being consoled by the paramedic. My mum's sobs were just light whimpers but they soon turned into a wailing screech as they brought my father’s corpse down the stairs.
“Daddy? Daddy!” Astrid shrieked trying to run towards him but landing in my arms instead. I felt one side of the couch rise as the paramedic got up, following her colleagues. That was the last time I ever saw my dad.
That was three months ago. My mum insisted on having a closed-casket funeral, I don't think she could face seeing my dad. She tried to give a speech at the funeral, but she couldn't make out the first sentence in between her sobs. I didn't cry at the funeral. I just stared at the closed lid of the casket that contained my dad as they lowered it into the ground. I cared about my dad but each time I tried to get at least one tear rolling, nothing came out. It was like my brain didn't want me to be sad like it didn't want me to show weakness.
Life is strange now, I'm lucky to see my mum once a week and even then it's just so she can get a collection of food and water. She doesn't go to work anymore, so I have to instead. I mean sure, my dad's life insurance and inheritance have helped but it won't last forever. I don't think Astrid fully understands so I'm trying to make life as normal as possible for her. Luckily, our schools are right next to each other so I'm able to walk her to school and get myself in on time with little to no stress.
I don't sleep much anymore. Whether it’s night shifts or Astrid waking up crying, there's always something going on. My family helps out from time to time, my auntie’s the greatest help. She babysits Astrid on the weekend for free so I can work. I don't know what I'd do without her.
I still don't know how I feel. Actually, I don't know how I feel at all. I mean, sure, everyone deals with grief differently, but I just thought that after three months I’d at least feel something. So why don't I feel anything? Why don't I feel anger? My dad left us, my dad left us with no note no nothing, not even a goodbye. Why don’t I feel sadness? A pivotal part of my life is gone, my dad is never coming back. Why do I feel none of these things?
Why is the universe so cruel?
Why do I feel nothing?
Why?