Chapter Text
Dave Strider is 38 years old. He's basically a single father, though the child he's raising is his little brother, Dirk. And now that Dave's back in the dating game, it’s time to run the gauntlet of hiring babysitters. Rather, it’s time to run babysitters through the gauntlet of supervising Dirk.
Karkat Vantas is 21 years old. He’s a university student working as a babysitter for some extra income. His stoner moirail Gamzee hardly contributes his half of rent, so both trolls could use the money. Karkat is surprisingly good with kids; treat them like they're people, and they'll treat you like you're people.
Despite the human's warning that Dirk is a handful, Karkat took up Mr. Strider’s babysitting gig online for Friday night. The troll knocks on the door of the Striders’ apartment, bracing himself to meet this “problem child.”
The knock startles Dave, who’s still in the bathroom putting on his red dress shirt. With his shirt still mostly unbuttoned, he scrambles to the front door with a shout.
DAVE: COMING!
When Dave opens the door to his apartment to welcome Karkat in, he's stunned at how pretty the troll is in person. White it’s clear the troll has a serious case of RBF (Resting Bitch Face), the annoyed scowl softens in the cutest way when he looks up at Dave. The wide, yellow eyes blinking up at him are framed by thick eyelashes, and Karkat’s sharp overbite is adorable. His black sweater is cute too.
Ashamed of himself for thinking this, Dave blinks the thoughts away, trying to remain professional. This troll is almost two decades younger than him, and there's no way Karkat would be interested in someone as old as Dave anyway. Dave finally opens his mouth to greet the troll.
DAVE: oh hey karkat
KARKAT: HEY.
DAVE: i didnt expect you to be so precisely on time like your life depended on it
KARKAT: WHY WOULDN’T I BE?
DAVE: was worried you might bail last minute after i told you the last four sitters refused to watch dirk ever again
KARKAT: PLEASE, MR. STRIDER. I CAN HANDLE ONE ROWDY BRAT. I'M MORE OFFENDED YOU HAVE THIS LITTLE FAITH IN ME.
Karkat is a bit of a smart-ass, but it's playful. He's confident in his abilities to wrangle a handful of a kid, even after Dave texted him a laundry list of things that happened to previous sitters. The troll’s tone is brash and loud, but genuine.
Also, he's not sure why this human is wearing sunglasses indoors. When Karkat’s eyes trail down from the shades to Dave’s shirt, he catches a glimpse of the human’s chest, as Dave’s still buttoning up. The older man isn’t exactly ripped, but seeing the body of such a handsome guy definitely makes Karkat’s face warm.
Clearing his throat and adjusting his black sweater, the troll quickly looks back to the human’s glasses. Karkat’s here to babysit, not ogle the dad.
KARKAT: UH. DIRK LIKES ROBOTICS RIGHT? THAT'S AMAZING FOR A TEN-YEAR-OLD. I'M SURE WE CAN BOND OVER THAT, I USED TO WRITE CODE MYSELF.
DAVE: yeah hes kind of a little genius
DAVE: speaking of which
DAVE: DIRK THE SITTERS HERE
DAVE: AT LEAST COME AND SAY HI PLEASE
He motions for Karkat to enter the apartment. It's a typical single guys' apartment, small and a bit on the sparse side. There's a few of Dirk’s baby pictures framed on the wall, most of them involving Dave as well. One photo is of Dave standing next to a woman with long, black hair.
Everything’s rather normal, aside from the coffee table covered in wires and robotic parts.
DIRK: Hi.
Following the sound of small footsteps, Dirk appears in the hallway, wearing a pointier pair of sunglasses than his older brother, and a white t-shirt. He's holding an iPad with a My Little Pony case on it, which Karkat finds amusing compared to the kid's stoic demeanor.
KARKAT: HI, YOU MUST BE DIRK. I'M KARKAT. I'LL BE KEEPING YOU COMPANY TONIGHT, THAT COOL?
DIRK: Yeah, that's cool.
KARKAT: HEARD YOU ELECTROCUTED YOUR LAST BABYSITTER PRETTY BADLY. YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T DO STUFF LIKE THAT, BUT I'M WILLING TO BET HE DESERVED IT, HUH?
DIRK: He did.
Dirk smiles, a good sign that he might actually get along with this sitter.
His older brother can't help but laugh quietly, shaking his head at the way Dirk so readily agrees to committing assault with no guilt whatsoever. But Dave needs to be the responsible adult here.
DAVE: no dirk, in this house we dont injure people even if they “kind of deserve it”
DIRK: Too late.
Karkat has to stifle a laugh at that dry response, also taking a liking to this kid’s attitude already. The little, blond human’s face is practically emotionless as he stands there, staring up at the two adults.
DAVE: well id lecture you more if i didnt have a date to get to, so im letting you off easy this time
DIRK: Ok.
DAVE: alright little man come give bro a hug
Whenever Dave leaves or comes home, he always makes sure to hug his brother. It’s the kind of thing Dave’s father never did, but he knows it helps a kid’s development a lot. Plus, he loves his little brother.
Dirk trots over, setting his iPad on the coffee table, and hugs his brother around the waist. Dave kneels down into the hug, ruffling Dirk's blond hair before putting a serious expression back on.
DAVE: promise me youll behave for karkat, ok bud?
DIRK: As long as he behaves, too.
KARKAT: I'LL TRY MY BEST. YOU'RE INTO ROBOTICS, RIGHT?
DIRK: Yeah.
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU COULD TEACH ME A THING OR TWO ABOUT CODING. I WAS ALWAYS PRETTY CRAP AT IT.
DIRK: Coding's easy. Robotics is more fun because it's challenging.
KARKAT: EASY!? OKAY, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME SOME TIPS.
DIRK: Do you know the basics of building electronic components?
KARKAT: HA! NOT AT ALL.
DIRK: I can show you.
The kid’s subdued expression lights up, and Dave smiles as he watches his little brother lead Karkat to the tech-cluttered coffee table. Dirk waves his hands around as he describes all the little gadgets he's been working on. Most adults aren't really interested in listening to him, so having Karkat’s attention clearly delights the boy.
And Karkat is listening intently, sharp teeth grinning in a way that makes Dave's heart flutter. Most of Dave’s dates don’t like Dirk very much, so it's sweet to see Karkat getting along so well with Dirk.
But Karkat is just Dave’s babysitter, NOT his date. Dave really needs to get going to his actual date, before he falls for this college troll.
DAVE: looks like dirks got you held hostage in robot town now karkat
DAVE: good luck getting him to stop yapping about microprocessors
KARKAT: HA. I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
DAVE: great
DAVE: heading out now so feel free to text me if you need anything or obviously if theres an emergency
The thought of Dave's date comes to Karkat's mind too, and his smile falters for just a second. He wonders if whoever Dave is seeing deserves this sweet, handsome stud. Karkat turns his attention back to Dirk, not wanting to think about his employer like that.
KARKAT: OKAY, HAVE A GOOD TIME ON YOUR DATE.
KARKAT: I'LL TRY NOT TO LET DIRK BUILD ANY KILLER ROBOTS WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.
Dirk giggles at this.
DAVE: im pretty sure like half of the robots lying around here are already capable of killing
DAVE: but i appreciate the sentiment
DAVE: alright little man, be good
DIRK: I'll try.
So Dave grabs his jacket and keys, leaving for the night. For once, he’s confident that a babysitter will actually be able to handle his little brother.
After Dave is gone, Karkat turns his attention back to Dirk.
KARKAT: SO. YOU'VE ALREADY MASTERED CODING AND MOVED ONTO ROBOTICS, HUH? YOU'VE GOTTA TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.
Dirk nods, his expression still mostly blank. It’s a bit unsettling, but Karkat knows not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve.
The little human takes a seat beside Karkat on the couch, pulling up images of various projects on his iPad, while pointing at robotic parts on the table. And boy can Dirk TALK when he's passionate about something. He goes on and on about technology that Karkat doesn't even understand, but the troll is genuinely interested, asking questions along the way.
After about an hour, all that chatting gets tiring, and the boy yawns, his eyes drooping behind those silly sunglasses. It’s 8:39, a bit past Dirk’s usual bedtime. Karkat notices Dirk's eyelids getting increasingly heavy, and smiles at him sympathetically.
KARKAT: YOU GETTING TIRED? ME TOO. I HAD A REALLY DARN LONG DAY.
Stifling another yawn, Dirk shakes his head. He knows Dave probably told the sitter to put him to bed around this time, which is why he tries to resist the tiredness. It's not even that late, and he doesn't want to feel like a little kid who needs a babysitter in the first place.
DIRK: I'm not tired.
KARKAT: DUDE, I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED. YOU DON'T GOTTA ACT ALL TOUGH, TRUST ME.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT TECHNICAL SCIENCE, BUT DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NEUROLOGICAL SCIENCE?
Even in his tired state, Dirk perks up when Karkat mentions more science jargon. Dirk shakes his head, rubbing his eyes after finally removing his shades. Karkat notices that they're a bright orange, uncommon for humans.
DIRK: I only know a little bit. It's brain stuff, right?
KARKAT: YEAH, BRAIN STUFF! BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT SLEEP IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERY ASPECT OF A PERSON'S HEALTH?
KARKAT: HERE, LEMME SHOW YOU.
Karkat takes Dirk's iPad, pulling up a search result on Google.
KARKAT: LOOK AT THIS! "SLEEP IS CRUCIAL FOR BRAIN FUNCTIONS, INCLUDING HOW NEURONS COMMUNICATE. WHILE YOU SLEEP, YOUR BRAIN STAYS ACTIVE, HELPING CLEAR TOXINS THAT ACCUMULATE DURING WAKEFULNESS."
Oh, now Dirk's full attention is hooked. The ten-year-old scoots closer to Karkat, reading over the results from over the troll's shoulder. He listens intently, thinking about all of that, before nodding a little.
DIRK: Oh yeah, I read that once. You can actually start forgetting stuff from lack of sleep. I forget what it's called.
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU FORGOT IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.
Dirk's orange eyes go wide at that suggestion, and he shuts off his iPad, snatches his shades, and hops off the couch.
DIRK: Ok, I'll go to bed now.
KARKAT: AH, GOOD CALL. I'D HATE FOR YOU TO START FORGETTING HOW TO CODE OR BUILD ROBOTS.
KARKAT: AND YOU BETTER BRUSH YOUR TEETH. UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO START PULLING UP SCIENCE ARTICLES ABOUT THAT TOO.
Karkat follows Dirk to the bathroom, watching as the kid gets his toothbrush ready. The troll yawns, surprisingly sleepy as well.
DIRK: I know how to brush my teeth. Jeez, I'm not a baby, you know.
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’RE NOT. I WAS JUST REMINDING YOU SINCE YOU FORGET THINGS WHEN YOU'RE TIRED.
Dirk looks in the mirror as he sticks the toothbrush into his mouth, brushing with creamsicle-flavored toothpaste. After Dirk finishes spitting into the sink, Karkat questions him again.
KARKAT: DO WANT ME TO TUCK YOU IN TO BED?
His tone is non-judgemental and kind, genuinely okay with tucking Dirk into bed if that's what the kid is used to.
Despite being a pretty mature and capable kid, Dirk still likes being taken care of sometimes, and getting tucked in is one of those things that Dave still does for him. He glances at the floor sheepishly, mumbling.
DIRK: ...Yeah.
Karkat can't help but smile as he watches Dirk go from stubborn to shy, and the troll chuckles faintly. It's endearing.
KARKAT: YOU GOT IT, DUDE.
The babysitter leads Dirk to his bedroom, helping him into bed before lifting the covers and tucking the kid in. Karkat walks over to the door, turning off the lights with a smile.
KARKAT: NIGHT NIGHT, DON'T LET THE BED GRUBS BITE.
DIRK: Night.
Leaving Dirk to his sweet dreams, Karkat quietly shuts the door behind him before making his way back to the living room. The troll plops down onto the couch, staring idly at the ceiling as he's left to his own thoughts. The small apartment is strangely quiet without Dirk talking his ear off about tech.
Glancing over at the front door, Karkat immediately wonders how Dave's date is going. He wonders what kind of person Dave is seeing tonight. It’s easy to imagine Dave with some beautiful human woman, laughing it up during a candlelit dinner.
For some reason, the thought of it makes Karkat’s blood boil.
Instead of ruminating on this, the troll heads to the fridge, taking out some of the leftover pizza Dave said he could eat. He turns on the TV, trying to drown out his jealous thoughts. It’s clear to him that Dave’s out of his league, anyway.
* * *
So far, Dave's date is going great. Terezi is everything he's wanted in a partner: energetic, sarcastic, funny, cute. She’s 30 years old and doesn’t have a problem with dating above her age. The only thing Dave's nervous about is her being a troll, but that's nothing he can't adapt to.
In fact, he's been gravitating to trolls a lot lately. Maybe it's his way of forgetting his human ex.
Tonight’s the first time he’s meeting Terezi in person, despite flirting a ton over text. At first, he was hesitant to go on a date to a diner with a blind girl, most of all worried he'd make some stupid joke about her not being able to see. But it turns out she has a great sense of humor about it.
DAVE: so terezi
DAVE: do you need me to read the menu to you
DAVE: or can you somehow smell everything theyre cooking in here and visualize it all in your mind?
Terezi's pointy grin widens at Dave's question as she sniffs the table, feeling around for her copy of the menu. She's wearing a pair of red shades, which Dave thinks compliment his own eyewear.
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 MY W4YS
TEREZI: BUT 1 LOV3 TH3 1D34 OF YOU R34D1NG 1T TO M3, D4V3
TEREZI: 1T'S SO ROM4NT1C, L1K3 YOU'R3 MY P3RSON4L COOLGUY FOODR34D1NG BUTL3R
She cackles at this, doubling over slightly in her red dress shirt. (Ironically, they both ended up wearing red dress shirts, Terezi in black suspenders to match while Dave sports a white jacket.) Once the laminated paper is in her hands, she sticks out her tongue and drags it across the printed surface, causing Dave's eyes to go wide behind his sunglasses.
Dave is equal parts fascinated and grossed out, watching as she runs her tongue over the menu like it's some kind of taste encyclopedia. He knows Terezi's sense of taste must be heightened by her lack of sight, but this is ridiculous. He can't tell if she's doing this ironically or if this is just a troll thing.
DAVE: oh wow youre a weird girl
DAVE: also thats kinda fuckin gross
DAVE: does that actually help you read the menu or are you just messing with me?
TEREZI: DON’T WORRY, 1T H3LPS
TEREZI: 1'M B4S1C4LLY L1CK1NG MY W4Y THROUGH 4 BUFF3TT R1GHT NOW
TEREZI: 1 C4N T4ST3 3V3RY M3D1OCR3 1NGR3D13NT 1N 34CH D1SH 4T TH1S F4ST C4SU4L 3ST4BL1SHM3NT
TEREZI: 4ND TH3 GRUBLO4F BOLOGN3S3 1S D3L1C1OUS!
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: so you werent joking about licking your phone screen when we sexted
Facing him with her red sunglasses, Terezi’s black lips part to expose her sharp teeth as she laughs like a hyena. Yeah, this girl is basically perfect for Dave.
TEREZI: NO L13S H3R3! YOUR HUM4N BULG3 T4ST3D L1K3 4N 1RON1C4LLY COOL CUCUMB3R
DAVE: oh my god stop hahahaha
TEREZI: 4ND YOU'R3 R1GHT, BY TH3 W4Y
TEREZI: 1 *4M* 4 W31RD G1RL, D4V3
TEREZI: 1S TH4T GO1NG TO B3 4 PROBL3M?
DAVE: hell no thats not a problem
DAVE: just makes you more interesting and i fuckin love it
DAVE: only problem here is i might get jealous of you being able to taste my delicious images
TEREZI: W3LL, YOU'R3 MOR3 TH4N W3LCOM3 TO F1ND OUT WH4T MY "1M4G3S" T4ST3 L1K3 L4T3R
Terezi's smile becomes a mischievous smirk as she slides her tongue across her lips, cackling at her own flirtatious remark. Dave feels his heart beat a little faster, laughing along with her boldness.
DAVE: might have to take you up on that
Dave’s surprised by how much he's enjoying talking with this troll girl. Not only is she sarcastic and quick with comebacks, she's completely unique.
After ordering their meals and making small talk, however, Dave starts to question if this is actually going to work out.
The waitress brings them their food, some alien pasta for Terezi and a simple human cheeseburger for Dave. The diner is dimly lit at this hour, car headlights in the parking lot illuminating them more than the rickety lighting overhead. Dave is taking the first bite of his burger when Terezi brings up her qualms with humans.
TEREZI: YOU KNOW, 1 4M CUR1OUS 4BOUT *ON3* TH1NG THOUGH, HUM4N
DAVE: hit me with it
TEREZI: WHY DO 4LL TH3 HUM4NS 1 D4T3 H4V3 TROUBL3 *TRULY* UND3RST4ND1NG QU4DR4NTS?
DAVE: what do you mean?
Dave leans forward in his chair, resting his elbow on the table and rubbing the scruff on his chin. He's starting to feel a bit self conscious as the troll scrutinizes him. Even though she can't see, Terezi is staring right at him, as if she can sense more than he can comprehend.
TEREZI: YOU KNOW, TROLL ROM4NC3 QU4DR4NTS
TEREZI: TH3R3'S FLUSH3D, P4L3, P1TCH, 4ND 4SH3N
TEREZI: BUT 3V3RY T1M3 1 TRY TO S3DUC3 4 HUM4N, TH3Y DON'T BOTH3R DO1NG 4NY R3S34RCH 1NTO TH3S3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT ROM4NC3 C4T3GOR13S
TEREZI: 4ND TH3N SUDD3NLY G3T 4LL 1MM4TUR3LY J34LOUS WH3N 1 M3NT1ON ON3 OF MY OTH3R P4RTN3RS
TEREZI: 4S 1F TH3 HUM4N 1S TH3 *ONLY* ON3 3NT1TL3D TO M3!!
She sighs, shoving a forkful of grubloaf into her mouth, chomping on it with her sharp teeth while continuing to talk.
TEREZI: YOUR SP3C13S 4R3 L1K3 4L13N ROM4NC3 4M4T3URS!
TEREZI: 4ND BY HOW N3RVOUS YOU SM3LL R1GHT NOW, YOU'R3 H4V1NG TH3 S4M3 J34LOUS R34CT1ON, 4R3N'T YOU?
Clearly anxious, Dave looks a little shaken after that last comment. It's hard to deny it when Terezi can smell it. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, trying to find the right words to defend his species in some way.
DAVE: look, dating is complicated for us humans
DAVE: the concept of quadrants is totally new to like 99% of the population
DAVE: so its hard to blame us for being caught off guard by this shit
DAVE: especially when it involves you having multiple partners
TEREZI: OH PL34S3!
TEREZI: QU4DR4NTS 4R3 SO S1MPL3 4ND STR41GHTFORW4RD
TEREZI: WHY DO HUM4NS COMPL1C4T3 3V3RYTH1NG?
TEREZI: 1'M T3LL1NG YOU, HUM4N ROM4NC3 WOULD B3 W4Y L3SS DR41N1NG 1F YOU JUST C4M3 TO YOUR S3NS3S 4ND 4CC3PT3D TH4T LOV3 1S N3V3R *ONLY* ON3 TH1NG B3TW33N *ONLY* TWO P3OPL3!!!
Terezi's typical smirk disappears, replaced by a disappointed frown as she faces Dave, still chomping on her green, alien meatloaf-pasta.
TEREZI: SO 4R3 YOU OK4Y W1TH 1T?
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1 H4V3 4 D4T3 W1TH MY K1SM3S1S, G4MZ33, L4T3R TON1GHT
TEREZI: 4ND 4M S331NG MY MO1R41L, VR1SK4, TOMORROW TOO!
TEREZI: 4ND 1F YOU'R3 NOT GONN4 B3 CH1LL W1TH TH4T, 1 DON'T TH1NK TH1S 1S GONN4 WORK OUT B3TW33N US, D4V3
Dave looks up at her from his burger, surprised at the shift in her tone. He has to admit, it's a little heartbreaking, considering how cute and playful she was only a few moments ago. He can only guess how sad she'd look if he could see her eyes.
DAVE: wait whoa i didnt say that
DAVE: i mean not gonna lie, the whole hate-love bullshit does make my head spin a bit
DAVE: but i can be open minded
Trying to keep his cool, Dave runs one hand through his light hair. Would this be easier if he was also a troll? What would a troll say at a time like this?
DAVE: um
DAVE: so whats your kismesis like?
Terezi groans, baring her teeth with a bit of a growl at the mention of her hate-date.
TEREZI: UGH, G4MZ33 1S 4 *R34L* C4TCH
TEREZI: H3'S TH1S STUP1D H1GHBLOOD, 25 Y34RS OLD, 4ND 4 SMUG W4ST3-CHUT3 OF 4 TROLL
TEREZI: W1TH 4NNOY1NGLY T4LL HORNS, 4ND TH3 MOST 1NFUR14T1NGLY H4NDSOM3-Y3T-PUNCH4BL3 F4C3 1'V3 3V3R FUCK1NG S33N!!
TEREZI: 4ND H3 S4YS TH3 STUP1D3ST SH1T 4BOUT M1R4CL3S 4ND CLOWN G4RB4G3 4ND 1S 4LW4YS H1GH OUT OF H1S M1ND
TEREZI: H3 C4N'T 3V3N SP34K PROP3RLY H4LF TH3 T1M3 4ND H3 KNOWS 3X4CTLY HOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS 4ND 1 H4T3 1T!!!
TEREZI: 1’M SO P1TCH FOR H1M 1T’S 4CTU4LLY STUP1D
Dave listens intently to her description, trying to wrap his head around how a romantic relationship built on hate is supposed to work. He feels a twinge of envy when she describes her kismesis as handsome, but he shoves it down. The fact that Dave gets jealous so easily doesn’t bode well for this relationship.
DAVE: alright so what do kismesises even do?
TEREZI: K1SM3S3S
DAVE: ok well what do kismeses do then?
DAVE: because im open to the idea of you having one while dating me but...
DAVE: is it still a romantic thing?
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T'S ROM4NT1C
TEREZI: JUST 1N 4 D1FF3R3NT TYP3 OF W4Y
TEREZI: FOR 3X4MPL3, 1F YOU 4ND 1 K1SS3D, 1T'D B3 B3C4US3 W3'R3 FLUSH3D 4ND W4NT TO SHOW ROM4NT1C R3D 4FF3CT1ON FOR 34CH OTH3R
TEREZI: BUT WH3N 1 K1SS MY K1SM3S1S, 1TS MOR3 L1K3 4 CONT3ST
TEREZI: 4 SP1T3FUL ROM4NC3 G4M3 WH3R3 W3'R3 CONST4NTLY TRY1NG TO ON3-UP 34CH OTH3R 1N 4 B4TTL3 OF BL4CK 3MOT1ON4L S4D1SM
As much as he doesn't want to picture his potential partner on a "spite date" with somebody else, the thought of Terezi and her kismesis trying to dominate each other is still kinda hot.
Dave quickly tries to distract from his horny thoughts. He’s been tiptoeing around the real question he wants to ask for too long now.
DAVE: alright fuck it im just gonna ask you straight up
DAVE: so its still a sexual relationship then?
DAVE: because im not sure im chill with you sleeping with some hateclown on the side
He tries to say this like it's a joke, but there's a bit of a serious edge to his tone.
Terezi's ears prick up under her dark hair. She looks as if she's about to burst out laughing, but it's unclear if it's because she's amused or offended. Probably a bit of both, and a small snort of amusement does slip out.
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL, D4V3?!
TEREZI: 1 R34LLY C4N'T T3LL 1F YOU'R3 JOK1NG OR JUST STUP1D, BUT 1 L1K3 TH4T 4BOUT YOU HUM4NS
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T'S S3XU4L!!! 4LL TROLL ROM4NC3 1S
TEREZI: WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1T'S C4LL3D "ROM4NC3," YOU CH3RRY-V4N1LL4 DOUCH3 W4FFL3
Trying to keep a straight face, Dave feels his stomach twist up. He can't help but feel a little envious, knowing Terezi has a sexual relationship with someone that isn't him. In his mind, it’s as if the sexting they did meant nothing. But Dave tries to remind himself that she just has a different view of romance than he does.
Maybe she’s not the one for him after all.
DAVE: well sorry its kind of a foreign concept to my human ass
DAVE: im just trying to understand here, thats all
TEREZI: F41R 3NOUGH
TEREZI: H3Y, C4N 1 TRY SOM3 OF TH4T B4RNB34ST M34T S4NDW1CH? SM3LLS D1V1N3!
DAVE: what
DAVE: oh uh dunno if thats what this is but sure
The rest of their date is awkward as they finish their meals, Terezi eating way too much of Dave’s burger while she talks about all of her very successful, other relationships. Dave sighs with relief once the check comes. He politely parts ways with Terezi, wishing her a good hate-date, and heads to his car.
As Dave grips the steering wheel, zoning out while he drives, he fights back tears that blur streetlights in his vision. He really liked Terezi, and it hurts to know their relationship priorities are just too different for it to work out. It’s his fifth date this week, and he’s completely drained, ready to slow his roll with the meetups for a bit. Maybe Dave will try meeting with a human next time, though he still feels a bit uncomfortable with that prospect all these years later.
However, Dave wonder’s if he’s better off single and alone for the rest of his life, at this rate.
* * *
Karkat is sitting in the living room of Dave’s apartment, eating pizza and watching some shitty romcom, when he hears someone unlock the door. 9:30 is an hour earlier than he expected Dave to return, so Karkat panics for a second. Is this an intruder? Could he fight them off? He’s good at yelling, and his teeth ARE sharp as hell. The troll braces himself for the worst.
But he’s relieved to see that it’s just Mr. Strider entering the apartment.
The human's expression is more serious than earlier, though mostly hidden behind those ridiculous sunglasses. Karkat’s first instinct is to make some sarcastic jab about Dave's date ending early, but knows that would be cruel. As the older man takes off his jacket and silently sits at the dining table, Karkat expects him to say something.
But Dave doesn’t. So Karkat speaks up first.
KARKAT: WELCOME BACK. DIRK WENT TO BED AN HOUR AGO, SHOULD BE ASLEEP BY NOW.
Dave sighs, rubbing the back of his neck while trying to gauge the babysitter's reaction. Is it too obvious that Dave’s been crying? Hopefully not. He knows what he looks like: a grown man with little dating success who had to hire a college troll to watch his little brother. Absolutely pathetic. But it’s time to talk now, so he forces himself to speak.
DAVE: sorry im back so early
He peels off his sunglasses, trying to rub the desperation out of his eyes.
Feeling his heart skip a beat, Karkat does a double take at the glimpse of the crimson irises and light eyelashes. The human’s eyes are really pretty, and it's a shame that he hides them.
However, Dave quickly returns the shades to his face.
DAVE: date couldve been better
DAVE: hope dirk wasnt too insufferable
KARKAT: SORRY ABOUT THE BAD DATE.
KARKAT: BUT NO, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ISSUES WITH DIRK, HE WAS GREAT! I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH HIS PREVIOUS NOOKSNIFFING SITTERS.
Now that Dirk's in bed, Karkat's typically foul language is back in full force.
Dave's mood softens the slightest bit at the reassurance that Dirk behaved, and the fact that Karkat is very much a potty-mouth. It’s endearing to Dave, considering he also has a penchant for profanity. He lets himself relax a little and leans back in the dining chair, matching Karkat’s tone.
DAVE: good to hear
DAVE: dirk can be a real fuckin handful, even if he isnt nearly as shitty as the previous sitters made him out to be
DAVE: they just didnt treat him as an equal and that really gets on his nerves
DAVE: my dates never like him either which makes things harder on me as well
DAVE: ...not that you need to know that
KARKAT: YEAH, I'LL BET THAT MAKES DATING A HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS.
KARKAT: PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING JUDGEMENTAL ON DATING APPS TOO, MIGHT WRITE OFF SINGLE-DADS FROM THE GET GO.
KARKAT: BUT YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY SWEET GUY, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEBODY.
Karkat isn't sure why he added that last part, diverting his gaze to the television while awkwardly focusing on shoving more pizza into his mouth to shut himself up.
Feeling warm from Karkat's reassurances, Dave wonders if Karkat realizes how flirtatious that last comment came off. Dave can't hide the smile on his face.
DAVE: thanks man
There's another moment of awkward silence in the apartment, the only sound being voices from the TV combined with traffic droning outside. Dave can’t deny how attracted he is to Karkat, glancing over at the adorable way he’s sitting criss-cross on the couch. Maybe Dave could go sit next to him, wrap an arm around him, get nice and cozy, and–
No. As warm as the thought makes him feel, Dave stays at the dining table and resists his desire for physical affection. He needs a conversation to distract himself from his stupid touch cravings.
DAVE: so...youre in college right?
KARKAT: YEP, IT'S MY THIRD YEAR. MAJORING IN LITERATURE, BUT HONESTLY, I MIGHT SWITCH MAJORS.
DAVE: why?
KARKAT: WELL, IT'S A LITTLE LATE IN THE GAME, BUT I KIND OF WANT TO GET A MORE PRACTICAL DEGREE.
KARKAT: WHO KNOWS THOUGH, MIGHT BE MORE FINANCIALLY VIABLE TO JUST FINISH UNDERGRAD AND SWITCH GEARS IN GRAD SCHOOL.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT MY COUSIN, KANKRI, TOLD ME, AT LEAST.
Dave has to hold back a laugh at the idea that a literature major isn't a "practical" path. His whole career is centered around making dumb comics and even stupider movies. The human could write a whole college course about the value of non-practical pursuits.
DAVE: im honestly the last person to ask about whats "practical" or not, so i say go with your gut
Karkat hums at Dave's words. It's not a bad suggestion, following his gut. But that’s easier said than done, especially considering there's no one path that his gut seems to point him towards anymore. He glances at Dave before letting out a slightly frustrated sigh, slouching against the couch cushions.
KARKAT: OK, CAN I BE HONEST AND SAY I’M FEELING COMPLETELY LOST IN LIFE RIGHT NOW?
Dave leans back in his chair, crossing a leg over his knee. He's honestly a bit surprised Karkat is opening up to him so fast, but he's not complaining. The alien isn’t the only one feeling lost.
DAVE: i can relate to that
DAVE: and im pretty goddamn sure 90% of college kids feel the same way as you
DAVE: i know i did when i was your age
"When I was your age." That makes Dave feel even older than he is, and he winces after saying it. Why did he have to say that?
The statement makes Karkat even more aware of the age gap between them, an idea that has been bouncing around his mind quite a bit. He feels warm when he thinks of how he’s always been attracted to older guys. But he shakes the thought away. There's no use entertaining that train of thought.
KARKAT: I DON'T WANT 90% OF COLLEGE KIDS' OPINION, I WANT YOURS.
DAVE: well goddamn thats a bit of a tall order and im not sure im qualified heh
DAVE: i went to college for paleontology and then switched my major to music, right before dropping the fuck out
DAVE: directed a few short films and mostly make money through various indie projects online
DAVE: which is why i say just go with your gut because that worked for me
DAVE: but i know thats not always the case
Chuckling, Karkat rolls his eyes playfully. Yeah, hearing about Dave's strange choice of majors, and subsequent failing at college, doesn't help at all. It does, however, confirm his theory that Dave is a very interesting man. Karkat takes another bite of pizza and shrugs.
KARKAT: I THINK THE ISSUE IS MY GUTS ALWAYS SEEM TO BE ON TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIDES. WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE DUE TO TROLL-HUMAN GASTROINTESTINAL DIFFERENCES.
KARKAT: BUT THANKS, MAYBE I DO NEED TO TRUST MY OWN INSTINCTS MORE, RATHER THAN LOOK FOR SOME OTHER ASSHOLE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. WHICH IS IRONIC CONSIDERING YOU JUST TOLD ME TO DO THAT.
DAVE: hey im chock-full of irony and bad advice
DAVE: dont listen to a thing i say
KARKAT: THANKS, THAT’S REALLY FUCKING CONTRADICTORY AND HELPFUL.
KARKAT: MAYBE I’LL ASK DIRK INSTEAD. I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF HE’S SECRETLY THE ONE ADVISING YOUR INCOMPETENT ASS AROUND HERE.
Dave laughs at the troll's sarcastic remarks. How is this troll exactly his type? Dry humor, a cute face, and short, with an adorably raspy voice. Dave can't help it; he's completely taken by the younger guy.
But the human’s smile falters. This is incredibly inappropriate. From the troll’s babysitting profile online, he knows Karkat is 21. And Dave is pushing 40 at this point. It makes Dave feel like a dirty old man, and he hates that. Why couldn't he be younger? Or better yet, why couldn't Karkat be older? Sure, Dave isn’t THAT old. But old enough.
As Dave processes his internal crisis, Karkat’s looking at his phone. It's getting late, and he really should head back home. Not that Gamzee would care how late he shows up; while Karkat adopted a diurnal schedule for college on Earth, Gamzee remained nocturnal.
Karkat just hopes he gets back before Gamzee’s kismesis shows up. He’s definitely not jealous about that or anything. Nope. Karkat is a completely mature, well-adjusted troll who has totally never yelled at Terezi for stealing his moirail. Panquadrancy be damned.
The troll directs his attention back to Dave.
KARKAT: WELL, I'D BETTER GET GOING NOW.
KARKAT: DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME?
After walking to the dining table, Karkat holds out his hand in front of Dave with a sarcastic frown, raising his eyebrows.
DAVE: oh shit right
DAVE: what kind of asshole doesnt pay his damn babysitter
The human reaches into his pocket and pulls a few crumpled bills from his wallet. He hands them to the troll, careful to brush his fingers against Karkat's hand. It's warm. Dave pretends not to notice. He gives Karkat a solid $100, 30 more than they agreed on, hoping that's enough to bribe him to return and babysit Dirk another time.
At the brief touch, Karkat feels tingles spread from his palm to the rest of his body. He gives an awkward smile at the extra 30 dollars he's given, and it’s more than enough to tempt him to come back. He really needs the money, though he would’ve returned regardless, just to see Dave again.
KARKAT: THANK YOU, MR. STRIDER. THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU!
KARKAT: I CAN REALLY USE THE EXTRA MONEY; GAMZEE ONLY CONTRIBUTES A QUARTER OF OUR RENT.
KARKAT: I HAVE TO PAY THE REMAINDER BECAUSE HE SQUANDERS ALL OF HIS FUCKING ALLOWANCE ON WEED.
Dave nods, taking note of Karkat’s pointy smile. It’s so cute, he wants to make Karkat smile over and over again. But he can't help but be a little bothered that the extra money is for this Gamzee guy.
Wait. Gamzee? The same Gamzee his date mentioned earlier?!
Maybe it’s just a common troll name. Dave pushes the thought aside and tries to sound lighthearted.
DAVE: sounds like maybe youre hanging out with the wrong folks
DAVE: if youre the one pulling all the weight, this gamzee guy better be doing all the fuckin dishes
KARKAT: UGH. I WISH!
Dave hesitates, and then asks another question, a mixture of curiosity and jealousy getting the best of him.
DAVE: is he just a friend?
KARKAT: HE'S MY MOIRAIL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
Dave looks a bit sheepish, and he shrugs when Karkat asks that question. He's somewhat aware of troll quadrants, but not exactly an expert. But based on what Terezi told him earlier, Dave can feel his stomach drop at the idea of Karkat having a moirail.
Regardless, Dave tries to keep a neutral expression.
DAVE: uh thats the quadrant thats kinda like the buddy system right?
KARKAT: I GUESS? BUT IT’S MORE ROMANTIC THAN THAT. A GOOD MOIRAIL RELATIONSHIP USUALLY ENDS UP BEING A STRONGER FORM OF BEST-FRIENDSHIP. YOU WATCH OUT FOR EACH OTHER, PICK EACH OTHER UP WHEN THE OTHER’S DOWN.
KARKAT: MOST IMPORTANTLY, MOIRAILS SERVE TO PACIFY TROLLS THAT WOULD OTHERWISE BE VIOLENT OR GENERALLY UNRULY. I STOP GAMZEE FROM BEING A LITERAL FUCKING PSYCHOPATHIC MURDERER, AND HE STOPS ME FROM COMPLETELY BLOWING A GASKET.
KARKAT: IT’S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T EVER HAVE PROBLEMS TRUSTING A GOOD MOIRAIL.
Or so that’s how it’s SUPPOSED to go. Karkat's been doubting his moirallegiance with Gamzee for a while now, considering the taller troll has been growing quite distant lately. Additionally, Karkat’s been quadrant-smearing again, pining for his roommate in every quadrant like a desperate fool. Regardless, he loves Gamzee as his moirail.
Dave's honestly really envious of the concept; he would've definitely appreciated having a moirail around when he was in college. Shit, he could use one now!
DAVE: so moirails are basically a voice of reason?
DAVE: kinda like when your conscience says "yo dont do that"
DAVE: and youre like "oh you right my bad"
DAVE: except in person form
KARKAT: THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD ANALOGY.
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S ONE ASPECT OF IT.
DAVE: i could really fuckin use someone like that
The desperate tone in Dave’s voice catches Karkat off guard, and he suddenly feels bad for the human. If tonight’s supposedly bad date is anything to go by, Mr. Strider’s probably been lacking in the romance department. But before Karkat can respond, Dave interrupts him.
DAVE: its getting late
DAVE: you should probably get going
DAVE: you got any plans with that gamzee guy after this?
Why did he ask that!? Dave wishes he could go back in time and undo that statement, but tries to keep his expression calm. Dave Strider time traveling, what a horrifying concept.
KARKAT: YEAH, I WAS GONNA HEAD BACK TO MY APARTMENT AND HANG OUT WITH GAMZEE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, MAYBE CUDDLE.
KARKAT: BUT HE'S PROBABLY JUST GONNA GET HIGH AS FUCK, EAT ALL OUR GRUB ICE CREAM, AND FALL ASLEEP ON ME AGAIN.
Turning away with a nod, Dave grips the dining table as his expression tightens and his jaw sets. He can't help hollow envy burning in his chest. The idea of this stupid troll getting to cuddle with Karkat instead of him makes him angry.
DAVE: sounds like a fuckin blast
DAVE: yeah hanging out with a stoner dude thats clearly mooching off you and contributing jackshit is a good idea that you definitely wont regret when youre older
This statement was supposed to be a joke, but Dave's not sure how convincing it is, considering his harsh tone. He winces at how much it sounds like he’s lecturing Karkat like a goddamn dad. Force of habit, probably.
Still standing across from Dave at the dining table, Karkat crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow at that comment. He's a little annoyed with this human pressing into his personal life. At the same time, Karkat can’t help but wonder if that’s jealousy he’s detecting in the older man’s tone.
And Karkat can’t help but retaliate with resentment, his default setting.
KARKAT: OK, WOW. DID I ASK?
KARKAT: I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE YOU SUGGESTING THAT IT'S SOMEHOW DETRIMENTAL FOR ME TO HANG OUT WITH MY OWN GODDAMN MOIRAIL.
KARKAT: WHAT, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SUDDENLY SEE THE LIGHT, LIKE, “OH GEE, THANKS FOR NEEDLESSLY PRYING INTO MY FUCKING ROMANTIC LIFE AND JUDGING MY ASS-TASTE IN MOIRAILS, MR. STRIDER!”
KARKAT: “HERE, LET’S CALL GAMZEE NOW AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH OF A NOOKSNIFFING MOOCHER HE IS, WHILE I KISS YOUR HUMAN WASTE CHUTE FOR BEING SO FUCKING PROPHETIC!”
KARKAT: DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A *LITTLE* GODDAMN CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE?!
At Karkat’s ranting, Dave feels his heart sink. And he hates it. He’s 38 years old, damn it. He knows better than to be petty with a 21-year-old babysitter right now.
DAVE: sorry, sorry
DAVE: i was just trying to make a shitty joke
DAVE: im still a little upset my date didnt go well, but i shouldnt take it out on you
DAVE: didnt mean anything by it, seriously
DAVE: hope you have some nice quality time with your moirail
He offers Karkat a tight smile, putting on the most genuine tone he can muster despite being so clearly envious.
And Karkat can practically feel that jealousy radiating from across the table. His expression softens out of pity. Is the human specifically jealous of Karkat, or just other people receiving affection in general? Not that it would be appropriate for the troll to ask. Instead, Karkat heads for the door.
KARKAT: UH, YEAH I WILL.
KARKAT: I HAD A GREAT TIME BABYSITTING DIRK, SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU EVER NEED ANOTHER SITTER, MR. STRIDER.
KARKAT: HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
DAVE: ill let you know
DAVE: night
Waving in response, Dave’s tone is still a bit cold as he watches Karkat leave. Once the troll exits the apartment, Dave lets out a frustrated groan, throwing off his glasses and dragging his hands down his face.
DAVE: god fucking damn it
Dave wants a drink. But he also knows what happens if he starts drowning his sorrows in alcohol again. He’ll just feel worse, so he opts for apple juice and heads to bed. At his age, Dave can't really stay up as late as he used to.
To him, it seems like everyone else enters relationships so easily, while he’s always the one left struggling to connect with people.
His bed has been feeling increasingly empty lately, with no one beside him. Hugging his pillow for comfort makes him feel more pathetic than relaxed, and he really wishes he wasn’t imagining the pillow as Karkat. He’s been starving for intimacy for ten years now, and it’s starting to take its toll.
For a moment he considers texting Terezi, but knows deep down that he’s not in the right headspace to be hooking up with people who he won’t see long term.
As he drifts off to sleep, all Dave can do is hope his next date will be a better match.