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Obi-Wan knows he should’ve seen this coming. Knows that he’s the stupidest, most trusting, most naïve Jedi in the whole damn Order. That, of course, Anakin could never be happy with just him. He had always wanted more, and love was at the very top of the list.
Currently, heartbreak feels a lot like being shipwrecked, he thinks. The hope of the water sending you to shore, to safety, to comfort, only to ram against the jagged rocks. During a thunderstorm. On a pontoon boat. Everywhere he looked, he thought he saw little daggers, each carefully pushing through his chest cavity with precision. It was almost as if Anakin had done it on purpose. It was as if he knew it would destroy Obi-Wan, yet they’d keep having to see each other in the Temple, on joint missions, sparing, and at meals.
What crime did he commit to make Anakin betray him in such a way? Had it been because of their slightly arduous relationship during his apprenticeship? He could turn over every stone, every leaf of the past thirteen years, and still find nothing. Most likely, it was something small and insignificant that Anakin took personally.
He sucks on his teeth as the door to his quarters closes. More signs of Anakin. Spare robes that Obi-Wan couldn’t get rid of nor Anakin would come back for, the caf that he liked that Obi-Wan couldn’t get rid of, his fucking toothbrush in the cup in the fresher. He went over to the robes, the tunic, the obi folded neatly on the couch and stooped to smell. It smelled of the generic laundry soap they all use but also something uniquely Anakin. A spicy, musky scent to it. He had become acquainted with it over the past couple of years.
It reminds him of every first.
The first kiss, which was when they were both undercover and Anakin, frankly, sucked at it and was about to blow both of their covers when Obi-Wan (already in love with his former Padawan) kissed him. The softness of Anakin’s lips, how even when the target left, he tried prodding his tongue into Obi-Wan’s mouth.
Then, their actual first kiss. They had just gotten out of Geonosis after the second time. Bloody and dirty and exhausted. Anakin admitting that he was scared that they were going to lose Obi-Wan. Which, of course, just made him laugh, much to Anakin’s dismay. That it would take much more than that to kill him. Anakin apologizing for caring about him and going to stomp away, when Obi-Wan grabbed his wrist and pulled him to him. “Ridiculous boy,” he murmured before kissing him again.
The first time they fucked. How Anakin had almost timidly admitted that he had never slept with a man before, and so Obi-Wan went slow, savoring every noise, look, and sensation. How it felt as they fit together. The way he had kissed his spine and the back of his neck and told him that Anakin was made for him. Obi-Wan sweet-talked him the entire time, praising him and telling him what a good job he was doing. Then they showered together and Obi-Wan was more than happy to take care of Anakin once more, shampooing and conditioning his hair and cleaning his body.
Which was then followed with the first time Anakin stayed in his bed. How he had to pull Anakin on top of him and how he rested his head on his chest and listened to Obi-Wan’s heartbeat. The sunlight was still coming through, just enough to illuminate his beautiful boy. He kissed the top of his head and murmured an “I love you” so quietly that even he doubted that he ever said it.
And, of course, the real first “I love you.” It had been said by himself. Obi-Wan doubts that Anakin could ever work up the courage to make the first move. They had been lying in bed, Obi-Wan on his datapad with one hand, the other running through Anakin’s hair while he sleepily tried to remain awake. It had just…come out. A sense of contentment so strong that all he could think about was taking Anakin away from the war, the Temple, from everyone. He had never said those words to anyone before, but they felt perfect when he said them to Anakin. The way Anakin had jolted his head, looking up at him with those wide blue eyes, staring at him for a moment before surging to kiss him and saying it back to him over and over and over again.
Obi-Wan had thrown attachment to the wind at that point. Figured it was worth it to break that one rule to have Anakin. Besides, it wouldn’t compromise his position in the GAR. And it didn’t. He knew he could lose him, but that was war. And he knew that he’d find Anakin again in the Force someday.
The only rule they had as they went forward was that he had to stop seeing Senator Amidala. Obi-Wan wouldn’t share Anakin in that regard. They had something only the two of them could understand, something that went far beyond just lovers. They had completed each other.
And Anakin had agreed. Promised he’d break it off immediately, then gave Obi-Wan his word that it was over. That he was all Obi-Wan’s. That he only wanted to be Obi-Wan’s.
When they were on separate missions, they were able to send a quick message through a secured line to at least check-in. If they were close enough, they’d holo-call. Even with Anakin’s figure breaking up due to the distance and his voice becoming distorted, he had at least gotten to see his boy.
But more than that, they had a bond that dipped into the Force itself—weaved its way through the entire galaxy. Something cosmic that tied them together. He could sense when Anakin was in trouble, no matter how faint the feeling was. Could feel his victories and happiness even while they were apart. They could look at each other, and an entire conversation could happen.
Anakin was part of his soul, the very fabric of his being. The fabric that was currently getting shredded every day since the fight. The fabric that was just scraps now. Their bond and looks and conversations remained, but Anakin wasn’t listening anymore.
It was early one morning; they were still intertwined. Dawn was breaking. Obi-Wan had gotten up to make tea and meditate when Anakin’s comm kept flashing. He had tried to ignore it, but he could see the flash of light even with his eyes closed. He had thought that it must’ve been important. Could be the Council calling him for a meeting about a new mission, so he had checked.
p.amidala: I miss you. Visit soon?
It was like a blaster shot to the stomach. Surely…it was just friendly, he thought. Maybe they had remained friends, and Anakin could undoubtedly have those. Of course, he’d rather he not be friends with her. In an instant, Obi-Wan found himself scrolling through backlogs and backlogs of chats. As innocent as just saying ‘hi’ to messages so explicit that he wondered when his Padawan had gotten so bold. They went forever, it seemed. Each one was like a little dagger until he felt himself bleeding out. Everything poured out on his floor.
He had to wake Anakin immediately and question him about it immediately. There must be, has to be, some answer. Some perfectly good reason. Something that wasn’t the obvious answer.
Anakin had tried to talk his way out of it but finally sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair and asked why Obi-Wan cared so much.
All his breath left him in one exhale. “I love you, Anakin,” he said. “I thought…” He had to look away. Anakin. His beautiful, perfect Anakin was starting to look like someone who was never his as if all of this had been pretending and acting. One extended undercover mission where Obi-Wan was the idiot who fell in love. “Break up with her,” he said a bit forcefully. He could still have him. He would take him back in a heartbeat. They could start anew again. It didn’t have to matter.
“Why?”
Had he not asked him to before? Obi-Wan thought he’d understand that they were exclusive and not to bring other people into their relationship. That this was just for them. Away from the Order and the war. He had…he had talked about whisking him away after the war—a vacation. “We were made for each other, Anakin,” he swallowed thickly, going to his knees by the bed as Anakin sat up. “Please, break up with her, and…nothing has to change between us.” Obi-Wan could have a short memory. He’d forget how his Padawan went behind his back and destroyed him. The fabric could be sewn back together.
“I think you’re making a huge deal out of this. I love both of you. I don’t understand why I have to pick.”
Of course, he knew Anakin could be headstrong, but he figured he’d realize his errors here that the rational part of his brain would tell him that what they have is far different from what he had with Padme.
When it was clear that they couldn’t come to some agreement, that Anakin did not care about the pain he was causing, Obi-Wan quickly went from begging to berating. How, of course, he’d never be good enough for Anakin. That he could barely follow the Code of the Jedi Order; how could he even follow one for a relationship? That he was childish. Immature. That Padme’s an idiot if she can’t see that.
Anakin threw it right back to him. How Obi-Wan always wanted impossible things from him, even as a child. That he was also breaking the Code by falling in love with him. How he was an idiot for building Obi-Wan up into the perfect Jedi when all he’d be was a pathetic man. Soon, the Council will see how wrong they were to grant him a spot and expel him.
And like that, he was gone.
Obi-Wan shakes his head, returning to the present rather than a fight that wasn’t all that long ago. He picks up the tunic and holds it tight against him, taking a deep breath. If he closes his eyes, he can pretend he’s hugging Anakin; if he pretends enough, he can hear him joke about sniffing his clothes.
Their bond works just as well as it always did. He can still tell when Anakin is safe and happy, when he’s depressed about something, when he’s on a mission, when he’s with Padme. Obi-Wan wasn't sure how he hadn’t picked up on it before. It was such a powerful emotion that he must’ve been delusional to ignore it. Obi-Wan tries to put in their bond and says that he’ll take him back, even now. That he still loves him, will always love him.
They don’t eat together, don’t train together, haven’t been put on missions together since the fight. His bed feels so cold without Anakin, the human furnace. And somehow, his bed feels too big for just one person. The most important person in his life is just…gone. The person he had dedicated his life to for over a decade. The person he raised. They became men together through the war. Anakin had thrown all of that away.
He is sure that Cody is annoyed because Obi-Wan finds himself being more and more reckless and taking more and more risks despite what his second-in-command thinks. Hears Cody grumble about how he didn’t realize he was working with Skywalker now. That makes it stop, and he’s back being controlled and measured.
One time, their eyes catch at the dining hall, and Obi-Wan gives him a small smile, a small lift of the hand as a wave, praying that maybe today Anakin will come back. Anakin breaks contact first and goes to sit by himself.
Obi-Wan tries to check in on Anakin by asking anyone else. He just says that Anakin is mad at him and wants to make sure that he’s okay. Each person has almost the same response: a shrug and that they have noticed little of a difference in him. Right. Anakin still had someone to go to. It wasn’t like he was the heartbroken, destroyed one. It was Obi-Wan who was easy to toss to the side and forget about.
They end up running into each other, and Obi-Wan smiles. “Anakin,” he says, voice almost breaking. Oh, how he wants to reach out and run a hand through his curls. However, something looks different about him. A new hardness to his face, more and more like a man rather than the boy he had loved.
Anakin’s facial expression looks bored, lips pursed together slightly. He even yawns. “Master Kenobi,” he replies before brushing past him.
“I hope you’re well,” he calls after him.
There is no reply
Time passes too slowly, but soon, it's two months with nothing. Every bone, every joint, and every muscle tells him to stay in bed, to forget about eating and the war, and to go back to sleep. It works a couple of times a week. When he doesn’t listen to his body, he goes through his day sad and goes to bed sad. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming. It’s a loss worse than death. Though it certainly makes Obi-Wan wish he was dead. What was his life without Anakin?
Before Anakin, Obi-Wan had thought about leaving the Order. He didn’t feel like he belonged, like he wasn’t good enough, and it was Anakin who changed all that—changed him. The only reason he was able to turn into the Jedi he is now is because he had Anakin. Anakin, who challenged and pushed him just as much as Obi-Wan, did the same to him.
Everything was pointless now. He didn’t care about the war; he didn’t care about the Council; he didn’t care about his duty. Which is why, after two and a half months, he asks for a break from official duties. Just for a couple of weeks. While hesitant to let their best general take leave, they eventually grant it to him.
And that’s precisely what Obi-Wan does. Sleep and sometimes eat. The best part is that no one ever comes to bother him because everyone is busy with the war.
After three months, he decides he needs to humble himself truly. Beg for forgiveness from Anakin. Tell him he can stay with Padme if he just comes back to him and that he’ll share Anakin happily. He’d be overjoyed just to have a small slice of him if it meant not waking up alone, Anakin resting on his chest, kissing him every once in a while.
Thankfully, Anakin answers.
“Can I come in?” Obi-Wan asks, trying not to get too eager. He’s sure that Anakin will take him back if it means having Padme and himself. If Obi-Wan begs for forgiveness like he knows, he’d want him to. He can almost picture the smile on his Padawan’s face, how he’ll laugh and accept him.
Anakin tilts his head and then steps out of the doorway wordlessly.
Obi-Wan follows him inside and waits for a greeting, question, or anything from Anakin, but it never comes. “I…I just want to say I am so sorry, Anakin, for how I behaved that morning,” he says, bowing his head. “I should not have let my anger get the best of me, shouldn’t have given over to that side.” Again, he waits for Anakin to say something but doesn’t, so he continues. “I miss you terribly. I miss your laugh, I miss sharing my bed with you, I miss having those quiet mornings together. I am more than happy to share you with Padme. You can love both of us, be with both of us. I shouldn’t have tried to force you to break up with her.” Another pause with no reply, so he gets down on his knees, head still bowed. “I’m here to beg for your forgiveness. I will do anything it takes to have even a small slice of you, Anakin.”
There’s a long silence, and Obi-Wan doesn’t even think about raising his head. He’ll stay like this as long as Anakin wants him to.
“You’re an idiot, Obi-Wan,” he spits out. “Pathetic. Begging for my forgiveness to just have a small piece of me three months afterward?” Anakin scoffs and Obi-Wan imagines he rolls his eyes as well. “A little too fucking late, don’t you think?”
He’ll let Anakin express his frustration and anger. “I know, Anakin. I was pathetic. I was scared to say something. But I need you.” Then, Anakin lifts his head with his thumb and pointer finger and smiles. This is it. Forgiveness. “Thank you. Thank you.” But when he finally makes eye contact, his mouth instantly dries up, and his smile falls off his face.
There’s a fire behind Anakin’s eyes. Like Obi-Wan just woke a sleeping Krayt dragon. “You tossed me out first. You started the fight. You called me childish and immature before insulting Padme’s intelligence.”
“I know, I know. But it was wrong, Anakin. I was wrong about it all,” he pleads. Surely, he can see the look in his eyes and tell that he’s being truthful. “I love you. I always have. I always will.”
Anakin takes a deep breath and then stands. “Padme’s pregnant. She doesn’t want me seeing other people.”
Obi-wan is positive that he misheard him. He skips past Padme being pregnant and right to the fact that Anakin’s listening to her about not seeing other people. He has made his choice. Padme had gotten to him before he did all those years ago. It was Padme that he had always been in love with. He was just…a stop along the way. “I…” He stands up. “I’m sorry.” And Obi-Wan quickly leaves his room. Anakin doesn’t come after him.
For the first time since breaking up, Obi-Wan allows himself to cry. Hot tears streaking his face, snot running out of his nose, his breathing coming in just short bursts and never enough. This is what he gets for becoming attached. This is why the Order warns against it. He deserves this for wanting to leave everything, the Order, Coruscant for Anakin. He wants to rip his heart out and give it to Anakin, anyway as if it was ever anyone else’s, including his own.
He should’ve known the other shoe would drop. He was never picked. Never anyone’s first choice. Why would Anakin, beautiful, incredible, perfect Anakin, ever pick him when he could have Padme? Beautiful, kind, and gentle. Padme, who probably always wanted to be a mother. Anakin, who always wanted a family of his own.
Of course, Obi-Wan had thought and hoped that he’d be enough. Anakin was right. He was pathetic. But all he could think about was his smile every time he praised him, every time he found out they got to go on a mission together, every time Obi-Wan would hold him close after fucking him into the mattress.
His life was over.
Nothing would ever feel right again. He couldn’t keep being a Jedi, seeing Anakin around. He couldn’t go on missions with him.
But what would he do otherwise? This is what he’d trained for his entire life. The Temple was his home. The Jedi were his family. But he couldn’t stay. No wonder no one wanted him as a youngling, a Padawan. He was destined for failure.
Obi-Wan looks over to where his lightsaber is resting on the top of his dresser. It’d be over before you know it, he tells himself. His hand twitches, but he doesn’t move. No one needs you anymore anyway, his brain tells him. Not Anakin. Not the other Jedi. Not the Council. He licks his lips and crosses the room, his heart beating so loud he thinks the entire Temple could hear it.
This weapon is your life.
That’s what he told Anakin in what feels like a lifetime ago. Before the war. Before they got together. But if it protected his life, then clearly, the opposite could be true as well.
He grabs it, and his hands shake as he turns it over. Points the emitter at himself. His finger hovered over the button. He’d only be missed for a moment. Everyone would quickly move on. It was the Jedi way.
He could find peace in the Force. Clarity.
It’ll only burn for a moment.
The saber had been designed for a quick death so as not to cause prolonged suffering.
Obi-Wan closes his eyes and puts one last burst of love into the bond with Anakin.
His finger presses the button, and there’s a white-hot heat for a moment. His body falls to the floor.
And then.
Nothing.