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“Eunyung, are you ever gonna tell me when you first fell for me?”
“Huh?” Haejoon’s boyfriend quirks an eyebrow, looking up from his phone.
“I’ve just been thinking about it recently, is all.” He shrugs.
“... Why?”
“We’ve been together for what, a little over six months? And you still haven’t told me when you fell in love with me.”
“Oh, right. Yeah.” Eunyung scratches the back of his neck and looks off to the side. “The secret.”
“Yes. The secret. I know you get embarrassed whenever I bring it up, but–”
“Nah, it's fine, I owe it to you… It’s just…” The blonde sighs. “You know how I am.”
Haejoon smirks as he tucks a flyaway strand of gold behind Eunyung’s ear. “More than anyone.”
“Then you should know I’m gonna avoid the question again.” His focus returns to his phone as he quickly scrolls to find an adequate diversion. “Anyway, look at–”
“No, thanks.” Haejoon readjusts the pillow underneath his back and leans on the headboard. “Sorry if I’m rushing you or something. I guess it's fine if you don’t wanna answer again, but then I’d like to know why . You get all secretive when it comes to how you feel about me. I’m not sure if you do that on purpose.”
“Uh– well. It’s complicated.”
“What’s complicated??” Haejoon frowns, his mouth lightly agape in disbelief. “We’re dating? We’re boyfriends? I love you, and you love me? It’s not like that’s a big fucking secret?”
“That isn’t what I mean.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I was going to get there if you gave me a minute to talk.” Eunyung bats his eyelashes and smiles passively.
Haejoon’s eyes widen. “Shit. My bad. I’m not upset or anything, I just–”
“I know, Haejoon. You’re fine.” Eunyung’s hand moves to his boyfriend’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before moving up and ruffling his hair. “But it’s like I said earlier– you know how I am. You know how I don’t say sensitive shit.”
“Well yeah, but why?”
His eyes stare vacantly at his phone screen, now shut off. “It’s nothing you wanna know.”
“Fuck, you’re like a little roach…” Haejoon rubs his forehead. “You’re really good at dodging questions and giving me nothing-answers.”
“I’m a roach? That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever called me.” Eunyung grins at Haejoon, who looks only further bewildered the more words fall out of the blonde’s mouth.
“No?? No, it’s not???” He suddenly lurches forward and points a finger at Eunyung. “Bitch, you’re doing it again! Stop trying to distract me!”
“Uuuugh.” He rolls his eyes. “Fuck, fine! I don’t like being all sensitive with you cause of weird psychological bullshit! Is that enough of an answer for you?”
“I mean…” Haejoon tilts his head. “That’s a start. Do you know… What the psychological bullshit is?”
“Yeah, I do,” Eunyung blinks at him. “I’m literally in my fucking head, dude. I’m constantly aware of all my psychological bullshits, because I’m victim to them every day.”
“Ah.” Haejoon raises his eyebrows.
“Think of it like… You with your mom? How you still get all tense around streets and stuff?”
“Ahhh…” Haejoon subsequently furrows his eyebrows.
Eunyung nods slowly. “Yeeaaah. That type of psychological bullshit.”
Haejoon takes a moment to think to himself, resting his chin in his hand.
“If that’s why you’re so… Avoidant, for lack of a better word, I guess that makes sense.” He straightens his back and lets his hand fall to his lap. “How am I supposed to work around that, though? You know you can’t hide stuff from me forever, right?”
“I know that very fucking well,” The words sound almost like laughter. “You’ll get sick and tired of my secrecy one of these days. It’s just a matter of when.”
“... Wouldn’t it just be easier to change your shit instead of having me get upset about it?”
“Probably.”
“So…?”
“Hey, what happened to your original question? About how you wanted to know when I first fell for you? Why are we doing a motherfucking Eunyung Baek psyche deep-dive? You wanna be my therapist?”
“No– that’s not— I just want to be your boyfriend, dammit. I know neither of us really have any model to base our ideas on what a healthy relationship looks like, but it’s common sense to talk about stuff like this, isn’t it? I’m supposed to be there for you, Eunyung.”
Eunyung purses his lips as yellow eyes stare at the dimly lit off-white ceiling.
“I want to be there for you.” Haejoon whispers, the words taking up a small space in their bedroom, lingering for a moment before dissipating into silence.
Eunyung thinks the ceiling isn’t providing his eyes enough stimulation, isn’t providing his brain with enough of a distraction. But where else can he look without turning his back to the man he loves? The man who is trying his best to be good to him, even if he makes it hard. That’s not the impression he wants to give off. That’s not the type of partner he wants to be. He compromises by biting the inside of his cheek. Every other muscle in his body is petrified; the weight of expectation makes it impossible to move.
He can’t meet Haejoon’s gaze.
The disconcerting quietness drags on, the air thickening with awkward tension. Haejoon sighs and tucks himself under the covers. Eunyung can’t look, but he knows his boyfriend’s expressions. He knows that his eyes would be narrow, clouded with hurt, and he’d try to keep a neutral expression so he doesn’t let that pain slip. The bed creaks underneath his shifting weight, and Eunyung can feel the stare of his turned back.
“Nevermind. Forget I said anything. I’m going to bed.”
The blankets ruffle as Haejoon tenses up and tries to make himself smaller.
“... Goodnight.”
Eunyung’s chest hurts. This isn’t the first time they’ve played through this song and dance. Whenever Eunyung’s cornered, he refuses to respond. It’s better than the alternative response, what he got used to growing up: Getting mad and starting shit. It’s better to not say anything. That’s a lie. It fucking sucks to not say anything. He doesn’t know how to say what he wants to say, lacks the emotional understanding of how to phrase how he feels. All he knows is deflection and postponement.
His hand moves above his beating heart. It grips the fabric of his shirt with force enough to pop a rabbit’s head off.
“It was a little after we met. After you first came to the dorm.”
“Wait, what?” Haejoon raises his head.
The blonde’s mouth goes dry. “Yeah.”
“... Are you gonna elaborate on that?”
“I was alone.” Eunyung shrugs. “You were alone. I don’t know. I guess my brain thought that was enough to… Well, fuck, was that when I fell for you? That doesn’t feel right. That’d be a really stupid reason to fall for someone.”
“It kinda makes sense?”
“No, it doesn’t. That wouldn’t be love. That’d just be shitty desperation.”
Haejoon flips over to face Eunyung. “That’s fair. We were both desperate though, you have to admit.”
“But that has nothing to do with why I love you.” I love you. I love you. Eunyung turns those words around in his head, comprehending their weight. He doesn’t say it very often. Haejoon hasn’t complained about it (so far). It’s easier to show it– to shower him in gifts and kisses, to cook him breakfast and pack him lunch and make sure he comes home from his classes to the scents of gochujang and steamed vegetables. It’s easier to peel an orange for him, easier to make him evening coffee when he’s cramming for exams, easier to memorize his schedule and his go-to Starbucks orders and his favorite snacks and his favorite color and his favorite clothing brands and
It’s easier to love Haejoon than to say that he does. It’s not for a lack of love– he thinks there’s too much of it. He knows his feelings are real because he smiles with dread at the thought of losing him. He smiles because he knows it’s inevitable, even if he so badly wishes they could last forever. To say it out loud is to hammer another nail into his coffin. Bad things happen when love is left in the open, where it is so easily seen and shot dead.
He’d be lying if he said he never tried to stop loving Haejoon. Lord knows he did. He tried to speak it out of himself and repeat that it wasn’t real like a mantra, and when that didn’t work, he tried to beat it out instead. Consecutive nights spent clutching the sink, slapping himself in front of the bathroom mirror until his cheeks flushed red, lashing in the thought that he could never feel that for someone.
It wasn’t his brightest moment.
They started dating anyway.
It turns out that it’s slightly easier to accept the fact he loves, as long as it’s requited.
“I remember now.”
“Mmm?” Haejoon sits up.
Eunyung’s voice is reduced to a gentle hush. “Remember back in high school when the police thought I was shoplifting?”
He nods.
“I…” Eunyung faintly turns and makes eye contact with his love for the first time in what feels like an eternity. “It was after you made me promise not to shoplift again. I realized it then.”
“Really? You were literally talking about how you hated my guts right before.”
“How the fuck do you remember that..? Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it. I just saw you walking in front of me that night and I thought that it– that maybe it wouldn’t be bad if I kept you around. That maybe I wanted to keep you around.”
Haejoon pulls his knees to his chest and folds his arms, hiding his flustered grin.
“Interesting.”
“‘Interesting.’” Eunyung repeats back, mocking him. “Bitch, didn’t you want some vulnerability? Some sweet, sexy, fucking beautiful emotional intimacy? You’re gonna have to give me more than that or else I’ll really regret it.”
“Sorry, I–” Haejoon chokes on his words and clears his throat. “I underestimated how I’d react.”
“What do you mean?”
“I love you.”
“Whoa. Big surprise.” Eunyung says, his tone as flat as possible.
“You annoying little fucker– come here,” Haejoon lunges into a hug, and his boyfriend falls back on his elbow from the force of his sudden weight.
“Why are you..? It’s not like I said anything much.” Eunyung nervously laughs into his shoulder as he runs his hands up his back.
“I’m just glad you told me.” Haejoon squeezes him tight before letting go and leaning over him. “Seriously? Back then ?”
“Yes, seriously.”
Haejoon caresses Eunyung’s cheek with his thumb and gives his forehead a gentle smooch. “I’m glad you kept me around.”
Eunyung rolls his eyes before grabbing Haejoon by the collar and pulling him in for a deep kiss, cradling his head in his hands. “Me too,” he breathes out when they part. “Me too.”
“I love you.”
“I know,” Eunyung pinches Haejoon’s cheek. “Don’t make me kiss you again, you dumb bitch.”
His lover chuckles and lays beside him, arm wrapped around his body.
“Do whatever. Like I said, I'm just happy you finally told me that. You know I told you how it was for me within a month after we got together, right?”
“Yes, and unfortunately, you and I are different people.”
“I know. I’m just comparing for the sake of it.” Haejoon yawns. “Eunyung... Thank you. We have more to talk about regarding your secrecy issue, but I’m both too tired to bother you about that and too satisfied with this to complain anymore.”
“Has anybody told you how easy you are to please?”
“You, several times.”
“Hah. You should really raise your standards.”
“My standard is you,” Haejoon says like it's nothing.
“That might be my point, I dunno,” Eunyung replies sarcastically.
“Cut that out. Let me have this. I wanna go to bed happy.” Haejoon holds Eunyung closer. “I don’t need you trying to get me to hate you or whatever your goal is. You’re so fucking obvious with it. Just let me love you.”
The blonde is at a loss for words. He stares down at his boyfriend, tucked right underneath his chin, then at his hand, unconsciously suspended over the other man’s body. He brushes it over the back of Haejoon’s head, the blunt strands of hair tickling his fingers, then clutches him tightly, almost desperately. He lowers his head, pressing a kiss to his sea urchin scalp. He smells like shampoo. It’s familiar, the same one he’s used every other day for the past four years. It’s comforting. It’s his. It’s home.
“... Okay.” Eunyung nods.
Please never stop loving me.