Archive of Our Own

Buck startled awake, his eyes flying open as he gasped for breath, his chest rising and falling with each sharp inhale. Disoriented, he immediately turned to check on his sleeping boyfriend beside him, relief washing over him when he saw Tommy peacefully dozing, unaware of the nightmare that had woken him. Buck let out a shaky sigh and sat up in bed, rubbing a hand through his messy curls as he tried to steady himself.

Sitting there in the quiet darkness, he dropped his head into his hands, willing his heart to slow down. The dream had felt so real—each detail, every emotion seared into his mind—and the ache it left behind lingered, tightening in his chest. He couldn’t shake the feeling, a hollow ache and gnawing worry clinging to him like a shadow, but he took comfort in the warmth and soft breathing of the man beside him.

Tommy shifted in his sleep, starting to wake up due to Buck's movements. He blinked his weary eyes open and turned to face Buck. Seeing him sitting upright, he was immediately worried.

"Baby? What's going on? Are you okay?"

Buck flinched at the unexpected sound of Tommy’s voice, quickly blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill. He sniffled, trying to pull himself together, and nodded with forced enthusiasm.

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm good," he replied, offering a tight-lipped smile as he tried to make his voice sound steady. "Just woke up and, uh... thought I’d grab some water. I’ll be right back."

With that, he started to lift the covers off himself, eager to slip out of the room and shake off the lingering unease from his nightmare

Tommy wasn't buying it, he knew Buck all too well to know he was lying. He sat up next to him and wrapped a gentle hand around his arm to stop him from leaving. He looked at him with gentle but concerned eyes.

"Come on, Evan. I know that look. I know you're lying. I know that look on your face. You had a nightmare, didn't you baby? Talk to me, please. Let me in, let me help."

Despite wanting to avoid the conversation, Buck paused when he felt Tommy’s hand gently wrap around his arm. Resigned, he sighed and sat back down on the bed, glancing at his lap as he picked at the skin around his nails, avoiding eye contact.

“I, uh…” he started, the words feeling heavy. He swallowed hard, barely holding back another sniffle. “I had a nightmare.”

The admission felt silly as soon as it left his lips. It wasn’t like he’d dreamed of past traumas or the life-or-death situations he’d been through countless times at work. It was just… about him and Tommy breaking up. Somehow, though, that felt even more vulnerable, more raw, and his chest tightened just thinking about it. He braced himself, his fingers tightening around each other.

Tommy gently brought his hand up to Buck's chin, taking a hold of it and coaxing Buck to look at him. When their eyes met, Tommy was met with the tears that Buck was trying so hard to keep at bay, his heart aching at the sight. He brought his other hand up to gently cup Buck's face, his thumb caressing his cheek as he held his gaze

"Hey, look at me. It's okay, baby, it's okay. You're here, I'm here, its okay. Can you tell me what it was about?"

Taking a shaky breath, Buck nodded, letting himself drift back to that memory. “Do you, uh… remember a few days after our six-month anniversary?” he started, his voice quiet but a bit steadier. “You came over for our movie date, and I told you that I was the ‘himbo’ Abby had moved on with?” He chuckled, remembering his own nerves then. “And then I asked you to move in with me?”

Tommy nodded as he remembered. He remembered the whole night vividly, how nervous both of them had been. He had been shocked when Buck asked him to move in with him so soon but he agreed immediately without hesitation

"Yeah, of course, I remembered, you were adorable. You were rambling, but once I said yes, you were so happy, you had a big dopey smile on your face and you literally looked like a puppy that had just been told he was a very good boy." He chuckled.

Buck playfully rolled his eyes and rested his forehead on Tommy's shoulder. It wasn’t the first time he’d been compared to a puppy, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. He buried his face in the older man's shoulder, not wanting to look at him as he continued.

“Well, in the dream… when I asked you to move in, you just… you pulled away from me. You told me it was sweet, and then… you said you couldn’t move in with me.” He sucked in a shaky breath, gripping his boyfriend’s shirt like a lifeline. “I asked why, and you told me that you knew how our relationship would end. That I was an incredible guy, but what I was feeling was new and ‘felt like it was going to last forever.’” His eyebrows furrowed because, honestly, how dare Dream Tommy tell him what he was feeling?

“You said I was still figuring myself out, and that was good, but no matter how much you wanted to be, you wouldn’t be my last. But you were my first.” Buck felt tears prick his eyes all over again; the memory of the dream still stung. “I tried to reassure you, to say those could be the same thing, but you… you wouldn’t listen. You said they usually aren’t. That if you moved in with me, I wouldn’t mean to or plan for it, but I’d end up breaking your heart.” And again, Buck was frustrated—who was Dream Tommy to decide that? Buck would never just wake up one day and throw away their relationship.

“You said you didn’t think you could deal with that… and then you said you should go, got up, and walked to the door. I-I asked if you just broke up with me, and you… you said, ‘I guess I did.’ And then—” He cut himself off, almost choking on the words. “You called me Buck, and then… you left me there.”

As Buck continued on, recounting the dream to Tommy, the older man felt his heart break, not for himself or for their relationship, but for Buck. He knew how insecure he got about himself and their relationship and the fact that Buck had a dream about him leaving and it sounded so realistic broke his heart. He hated that dream-Tommy had so easily given up on their relationship. He hated that Buck had been hurt by his subconscious thoughts

"Oh... baby, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry your brain did that to you sweetheart. It was terrible and cruel and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that was not me, okay? That was a figment of your beautiful brain trying to torment you. I love you so much, I promise I wouldn't give up on us like that, you're it for me, Evan."

"I know it wasn’t you," Buck whispered, his voice thick with unshed tears. "But it felt so real, Tommy. It felt like you were just... leaving, like another person was giving up on me, and I didn’t understand why, you know?" His shoulders shook as he tried to hold it together. He clung to Tommy’s shirt tighter, his breath still shallow, as his heart slowly tried to steady itself.

"All I wanted was for you—er, dream you—to just give me the chance to speak, to tell you that you were wrong, that I loved you, and just because you were my first guy, that didn’t mean I didn’t know what I wanted or what I was doing. And I didn’t... I didn’t even get to say that I loved you." His voice cracked as he squeezed his eyes shut, his body trembling with the weight of the unspoken words. "You just... you just left."

Tommy felt so bad for Buck. His heart ached at the pain in his voice, and his body shuddered with every breath he took. His heart broke at the thought of what he put Buck through, even if it wasn't him. He wrapped his arms around Buck, holding him tightly against his chest and he moved so that Buck was practically in his lap.

"Hey, deep breaths, baby. Deep breaths... I know it felt real, it's okay, but I'm here, Evan. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'm right here."

Buck clung to Tommy tightly, almost afraid that if he let go, his boyfriend would vanish. He let Tommy hold him, allowing the comfort and warmth to wash over him, appreciating the way his boyfriend seemed to instinctively know how to calm him down. For a while, Buck remained quiet, focusing on the steady rise and fall of Tommy's chest beneath him, just soaking in the moment of being held.

Eventually, he lifted his head, his eyes still red, but his expression serious as he wiped the remnants of his tears away. "Promise me something," he said softly, his voice a little shaky but determined. He met Tommy's gaze, refusing to look away. "Don't ever call me Buck, okay?" His voice dropped a little lower, the weight of his words settling in. "I'm Evan to you. I'm your Evan."

Tommy met Buck's gaze and cupped his face, his fingers lightly tracing along his cheek bone and through his hair as he gazed into his eyes. He nodded and smiled softly at him.

"Of course. I promise I will never call you Buck again, babe. You are my Evan. You're my adorable, loving, incredible, hot as hell boyfriend, Evan."

Buck let out a small, shaky laugh at Tommy’s words, feeling the tension in his body ease just a little under the weight of his boyfriend’s promise. Hearing Tommy say his name—Evan—was something so deeply comforting to him, something no one else had ever given him. Everyone else called him Buck, everyone he knew, but Tommy never did. From the moment they met, he’d always been Evan to Tommy, and for some reason, it never bothered him. In fact, it was the opposite—it felt right. Tommy had a way of saying his name that made it sound like it was meant to be said that way. Special. Just for him.

"Good," Buck whispered, his voice still rough from the emotions running through him but lighter now, carrying the hint of a smile.

Tommy gently tugged Buck down so that their foreheads were leaning against each other. He closed his eyes, drinking in the moment, taking every bit of Buck in. He was so in love with this man, so in love with his boyfriend that it felt like it was consuming him. It was all-encompassing and sometimes it scared him just how much he loved him and needed him. He moved forward to gently kiss Buck’s nose, holding it there for a moment before speaking.

"You're my Evan. Always have been, always will be. I'm not going anywhere, and I wouldn't give up on you like that."

"Even when I make you dress up in a suit and tie to throw a dead guy a funeral to lift a curse you don't believe in?" Buck asked, a small, shit-eating grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. His eyes were still watery, but the tension in his body had started to fade.

Being held by Tommy like this, with their foreheads resting gently against each other, felt grounding. The older man’s warmth seeped into him, and for the first time since waking up, Buck could feel himself beginning to relax, his heart rate slowing.

Tommy chuckled lightly at the comment. That had certainly been one of Buck’s more interesting ideas, to be fair, and it was admittedly pretty sweet. Despite the light-hearted banter, there was a hint of genuine concern in his eyes. He knew Buck was trying to distract from his own emotions, but that didn’t mean he was off the hook completely.

He couldn’t help but chuckle warmly and shake his head gently, still holding Buck close to him. “Hey, if throwing a funeral for a dead guy to lift a curse is what you think you need to do, you can bet your ass I’ll be right there with you.”

Buck smiled against Tommy's shoulder, his arms loosely draped around Tommy’s neck, savoring the comforting feeling of his boyfriend’s hand rubbing up and down his back in slow, soothing motions. The gentle touch sent pleasant shivers down his spine, calming his lingering nerves. After a minute, he pulled away just enough to look Tommy in the eyes, a trace of hesitation flickering across his face. He needed reassurance, needed to hear it again, just to quiet the doubts that still lingered.

“And you don’t care that I haven’t been with other guys, right?” Buck asked softly. “I know you’re the first man I’ve dated, but... I mean, I’ve had other relationships, so I feel like that’s enough. Right?” His voice grew a little shaky as he rambled, the words tumbling out almost in a rush, but he couldn’t keep the worry from creeping into his tone.