Chapter Text
Everything has a beginning. Sometimes you don’t notice it happening till years down the line.
“Take your brother outside as fast as you can!”
“It’s okay, Sammy.”
Dean imagines that if he ever had to name the day it all started… Yeah, that would be it. Maybe he should feel bad that the day he found his purpose is the same day his mother died.
He doesn’t have room for more guilt.
Dean can’t sleep so he’s just watching. In the dark, he can see the rise and fall of Sammy’s breathing. Watching. It’s what he does best, isn’t it? Watching, protecting, if he were a thinker, he’d compare himself to a dog but he doesn’t need any more of those kinds of thoughts.
So, he watches. Sammy is there, safe and sound. Dean wonders if Sam still dreams of happier things. Maybe he relives his college days or…
Dean doesn’t want to think about it but he does anyway. He knows. Dean knows what Sam dreams of. He knows they don’t involve him or dad. They don’t involve mom. They’re filled of strangers and old college friends. The days where Sam was actually happy. Something Dean could never bring him. He knows. He knows.Heknows.He knows.
No one knows better than Dean how useless he is. All he’s good for is to keep Sam safe and he even fails at that. God, if dad saw him now he’d grab Dean by the collar and shake him. Maybe give him a good smack.
Keep Sam safe.
It just scares him that maybe Sam knows too. And Sam will leave because Dean’s useless. So fucking useless.
What if he knows? Oh, God. What if he knows?
He grabs his flask and lets the alcohol burn away the emotion. Burn it all away.