Chapter Text
His tentacles? Immaculate. His tie? Straight. His shirt? A little stained, but that’s what blazers were made for. Yes, today, Agent 4 was prepared. Which was unusual, as Agent 4 wasn’t usually the well prepared type, usually preferring to take on his missions a little more carefree and improvisational, but this… well, this wasn’t a mission. This was a date. Well, kind of. Not actually. But it was dinner alone with the one and only Marie Cuttlefish, à la Agent 2, à la the best Squid Sister, à la Squod’s most perfect angel, à la yadda yadda yadda, and it had been years in the making. That meant extra gel for the rebellious left tentacle of his slicked back hair, a Squidtube tutorial on how to tie his one tie, and a blazer he’d picked up especially for the occasion. He couldn’t screw up today, not after all the blood, sweat and tears (mostly the last one) he’d gone through to get to this point.
See, in all his five years in the New Squidbeak Splatoon, he'd never been able to get a chance to be alone with the quieter, smugger half of the Squid Sisters, though, in his defense, there’d been a shortage of good times to arrange one. He'd joined the splatoon right in the middle of a skirmish against the Octarians in Octo Canyon, and the following reunion of the Squid Sisters had resulted in Callie and Marie being glued at the hip while they made up for all the lost time from their separation, though 4 suspected that Marie was also staying close to her cousin partially to try and (not always successfully) keep her from re-hypnotizing herself. Couple that with their celebrity dealings and their Agent meetings and canyon patrols and Callie re-unhypnotyzings, and it really didn’t leave much room for 4 to try and get a relationship going. And then, as if things hadn't been busy enough, things got downright hectic when 4 was informed that the cousins had found their missing gramps along with an entire underground metro-based society that had somehow hidden in plain sight under the most thriving metropolis in the world. That investigation had taken years, and while it involved a lot of working with idols, there was very little time for chatting up idols.
Not that Agent 4 complained. Well, not about the job. He complained plenty about his relationship woes. No, the job was great. He got to be a kick-ass secret agent for a secret government branch no one knew about, he was working for the greatest idol of all time(‘s grandpa(‘s protege)), his phone’s address book kept getting the numbers of more celebs, and hey, 4 had long been told by his folks that government work was the best way to get a good job with good benefits and a steady career and a house in the suburbs and whatever, but he’d never been all too keen on working a stuffy office job. So to get a job that had all those benefits but actually let him be a secret agent? Boo, freakin’, yah. Though, for his parents and his friends, he let them believe that he worked a boring office job when he wasn’t out turfing it up in the S ranks.
However, if he did tell them about what he actually did for his job, they’d probably ask him how he seemed to keep getting involved in exploring secret underground societies. The latest one he'd found himself patrolling was Alterna, the one the new Agent 3 (or Neo 3, as she liked to be called) had found outside of Splatsville. Maybe he’d have to ask if they could start looking for secret societies above ground when they finished with this one. Maybe in the mountains? 4 had always thought it'd be cool to check those things out sometime.
But that was a matter for another day. Today, Agent 4 had an exceptionally well planned dinner to get to. Step one had been Agent 4 suggesting a New Squidbeak Splatoon dinner at a fancy restaurant. For the other steps, which he hadn’t bothered numbering, he may have had to bribe Neo 3 into not going. He may have purposely chosen a day that Off the Hook was performing. He may have given Deep Cut a tip off to a heist that may or may not actually exist. He may have begged Captain 3 and Agent 8 to not go, and, despite the captain’s reservations, 8 may have even agreed to come up with an excuse that would get Callie at their place, and not at the dinner.
Note that these are, however, only allegations, and, were he to be confronted about them, Agent 4 would vehemently deny them, then promptly break down into a blubbering mess.
But for now, Agent 4 was spraying the finishing touches of cologne onto himself, and after swiping one last palmful of gel through his immaculate hair tentacles, he leapt out the doorway, and onto his way to his date-but-not-actually-but-also-maybe-please.
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Comfortably seated across from Marie in a secluded restaurant booth, 4 found himself with a real good feeling about this whole thing. He’d met up with Marie at a nearby train station to walk with her to their destination, which he’d left a mystery, the only hint he would give being that it was the fanciest place he knew. He knew that he must’ve picked a good place because she stopped in surprise as they walked up, and then regarded the restaurant (Squolive Garden), and then him, with her usual crooked grin. Well, actually, he couldn’t actually quite tell what the expression was indicating in this situation, but he didn’t want to waste time deciphering that, so he instead decided to dedicate all the time he could to admiring that smile before Marie covered it with her mask, a simple white face covering she wore to prevent anyone from recognizing her as one of the Squid Sisters. Speaking of admiring, 4’s eyes seemed to find that they had become magnetized, the way that they always drifted back to Marie’s outfit for the night, a white turtleneck sweater paired with a white-collared green blazer. It was one of Marie’s more covering fits, but the effect on his eyes left 4’s intentions practically naked. Fortunately, 4 was playing it cool, cooly sweating sweat stains underneath his blazer, cooly sweating his left tentacle loose of its immaculate gel-powered hold, and cooly rambling small talk in Marie’s direction between mouthfuls of bottomless breadsticks.
Though, to be quite frank, things really were going very well. The two were actually able to hold a conversation as they waited for their order, and not once had they been interrupted by one of Pearl’s impromptu rap battle challenges, an exciting technological breakthrough from Marina, Shiver’s challenges to duel for a raise, Frye’s incessant demands for a raise, Big Man’s half-hearted pleads for a raise (a task he had been put up to owing to him having the best puppy dog eyes of the group), and most incredibly of all, they hadn’t even had Callie barge through the doors to loudly proclaim her existence (though 4’s eye’s did periodically scan the entrance for any signs of pink), and that meant that Captain 3 and 8 were doing their job. Things were well and truly coming up squidhouse.
“Y’know 4, it’s kinda impressive you’ve kept up your cover story so well.” Marie remarked as she made her way through a breadstick. “I don’t think I’d have ever thought to come up with ‘Government Worker.’”
4 laughed. “Well, hey, y’know, as long as they never ask what kind of government work, huh?”
“Yeah, none at all!”
The two shared a long laugh in their quiet corner of the restaurant, right up until a thought caught up with 4. “Wait, none?”
It took a moment for Marie’s laughter to die down enough for her to shake out a response. “No, pft-sorry, 4, I don’t mean to say that you’re not a hard worker-”
“But it is government work, right?”
Marie blinked, her last laugh dying down quickly, her hand stopped mid-wiping away a tear. “No? 4, you-” her face went serious- “...did you think that the New Squidbeak Splatoon was a government entity?”
“Wha- Well- I mean, uh-” 4 stammered out, the world shattering shock of the revelation serving to draw out his long-hidden talent for imitating a pufferfish. “Yeah? I’m- and you guys- we- aren’t we soldiers fighting against the Octarians?”
“4, the government disbanded the military after the great turf war.”
“Yeah, but- I thought-, like, as a diversionary thing? Disguising your true strength from the enemy?”
“No, 4, they- they really did disband the military. That’s why Gramps took it upon himself to form the New Squidbeak Splatoon in the first place.” Marie sighed, and slumped back into the booth chair. “He knew that the Octarians weren’t going to sit around in their domes forever, so he grabbed me and Callie, got some of his old war buddies to make us some gear, and the next thing you know, well, we were out fighting Octarians.” There was an awkward pause, which gave 4 time to really feel his life turn upside down. “Sorry I never told you. I, uh… guess I really didn’t do a great job on the recruitment speech, did I?” Marie sent a weak grin to 4 from her side of the booth. 4, a man who could normally appreciate a Marie grin no matter the signal strength, found himself wholly unable to comprehend it, a testament to his current condition. “So… not a government entity. At all.” Was all he could deadpan.
“Nope.”
“Not even a little bit.”
“Not unless you count Gramps’ pension.”
“But… so… If we’re not funded by them- how are we getting paid?”
“Well, for you, the 3s, and 8, well, we- me and Callie- we’ve been paying your wages with our idol work.” Marie saw how shock gave way to an expression of pure crestfallenness on 4’s face, and the guilty pangs she’d been developing threatened to turn terminal. “It’s no trouble, really. I- I’m not sure if you’re aware but, we’re like, the Squid Sisters, y’know? ‘Stay Fresh?’” Her hands struck a little half-pose while her eyes looked on helplessly at 4, who was slowly leaning forward, his head on a slow collision course with the table. “It’s cool. We- We’re, uh, kinda loaded. And stuff.”
Thump. 4’s head made contact despite Marie’s best attempts to buoy it, eliciting a soft klink from the silverware, and he could’ve swore he heard another thump on the floor as one of his hearts fell out of his chest.
“...4?”
“I…” He groaned. There was a lot going on in his mind. For starters, his parents were going to be so disappointed. But most importantly, “I can’t believe I was going to take a girl on a date with her own money.”
“Please, 4, don’t be so hard on yourself,-”
Thump. Another heart hit the floor. He hadn’t actually meant for her to hear that.
“-you’re still working for your- wait, a date?”
Thump. Oh, he had especially not meant for her to hear that.
“Oh cod, I am so, so sorry 4. If I had known, I- I wouldn’t have come.”
Flump. 4 didn’t have any more hearts to drop out of his chest, so they just kinda flopped a bit to try and emulate the effect.
“I should’ve insisted when I told Callie I would help 8 so she could come. I- I’ve ruined it.”
Flu-, huh? 4’s floorstuck hearts weren’t quite sure how to react to that.
“I mean, I should’ve guessed, you always asked if she had anything going on whenever we did anything-”
4’s head slowly rose from its tenure on the table, his mouth spilling half hearted objections at the sight of Marie, head held up by outstretched fingers, falling down a spiral of guilt. “No- Marie, I- that’s not what I-”
“I can’t believe I’ve been so-”
“You- no, I- it’s-”
“First the government thing, and now-”
“Cod, Marie, I’ve been trying to see you!” 4’s voice rose as he said it, half shouting it across the table, stunning Marie out of her spiral. “I-, I bribed Neo 3 into not coming. I’m the one that tipped Deep Cut off to a ‘big score.’ I didn’t forget when Off the Hook were touring. I’m the one that asked 3 and 8 to- to-” 4’s brain finally caught up to him and tried to pull the plug on his sudden confession, though it was wholly too late.
“...-to come up with something to get Callie to not make it?” Marie’s eyes were wide as she quietly finished his sentence.
“Well, um, no, I, uh, um-” 4, confronted but lacking the energy for vehement denial, went straight to blubbering.
“4, you,- you really wanted to make this a date… with me?”
“Well, that’s uh- a matter of- uh.”
He nodded.
“4, I-”
“Who had the Dove and Shrimp Carbonara?” The two jumped in surprise, the interruption sending Marie scrambling for her mask, while 4 could only muster a wide-eyed stare at their waitress, a decidedly un-energetic inkling with mid length chopped tentacles dyed in corporate mandated Squolive Garden Purple™ ink (Pantone 2725 C), who had seemingly materialized at the side of their table.
“I- I did.” Marie eventually stammered out.
“Then the spaghetti and meatballs for the gentleman. Enjoy.” And just like that, she was gone, the only evidence of her visit being two plates of pasta and the most suffocatingly awkward silence the two had ever experienced in their entire lives. Neither spared their dishes an inkling of thought though, despite the lock their eyes had on their respective plates. Most of 4’s brain was spinning in circles, sending the majority of his brain through an extremely immersive and lifelike facsimile of a tumble dryer, while his few remaining brain cells capable of real thought were instead spending their time googling his knowledge of Inkopolis geography for the nearest suitable bridge.
“Are- are you sure you… that you wanted to make this a date with me?” Marie was the one to break the silence, putting the brakes on 4’s doom spiral. 4 looked up slowly at Marie, her golden eyes misty with tears that were running down into her mask. “I’m not as cute as Callie, and I’m not as energetic,-”
“Hey-”
“And she’s stronger, and outgoing-”
“That’s not-”
“And I’m-, I have this bad habit of insulting my friends-”
“Marie.” 4 pleaded, finally catching her attention. “Of course I’m sure. Cod, I’m so sure. I’ve- I’ve been wanting this for five years, Marie.”
Her eyes locked to his. “Since… Since we worked in Octo Canyon?” Marie’s voice quavered.
“The whole time.” 4’s was resolute.
“Did you…” A sniffle. “Well… before you knew I was one of the Squid Sisters? That we were actually famous?”
“I’ve loved you since I plunged down that manhole after you.”
“And- and… do you… still love me, even if your employer isn’t the government, just… me?” 4 let out a soft chuckle. He reached across the table and lifted one of the earhooks of Marie’s mask, letting it fall away to reveal that the crooked grin had returned. Squod, that crooked grin.
4 leaned across the table, and kissed his employer right on her crooked lips.