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It falls quiet for a moment, both of them enjoying to be in each other's presence and feeling no need to contribute to the tired conversation. Their shoulders and knees bump together as their legs hang down from the desk. Papers are strewn aside, awkwardly interrupting the peace. It doesn't feel like things such as documents should be involved in such a moment of sheer calm and trust but they tower over the pair demanding to be noticed.
"I should carry on working."
Cas makes a slight noise of agreement but neither make any effort to move. In the moment Cas almost forgets why he came into Dean's office in the first place. Happily falling into the same routine of ease and comfort, he could have let the heavy feeling in his heart rise and his hands stop shaking but he doesn't. He needs to say what he had been trying to get out since he walked into the room.
"I'm in love with you."
There was no sugar coating it. He doesn't even move his gaze from the clock at the far end of the room as he says it. He had become strangely detached. It was only when he heard a deep intake of breath that he turned to his friend.
"What?"
Dean forced out. He was so perfectly content sitting in the silence that the sudden out burst shocked him. It took a while to process what Cas said and the feeling of comfort quickly evaporated.
"I'm in love with you."
He repeated strongly. Even as the words left his mouth he could practically see the walls reforming themselves around his friend. Dean drew back and slid off the desk, paying no attention as the once ominous papers fell to the floor. The air was thick and felt difficult to swallow for both of them. A new silence came for a while: one both wanted to break but neither knew how. Finally, Dean lifted shaky fingers to slot through his hair and grasped tightly as if trying to ground himself.
"No..."
He breathed out. It was so quiet had the room not been dead silent Cas wouldn't have heard a thing. But seeming to have grown into the sound of the word, he strengthened and repeated the statement louder.
"No. You can't. Take it back."
Cas stood and walked to stand directly in front of him. They stood so close it would be easy to close the gap and pull him into a kiss. He doesn't. He places his hands on Deans shoulders, demanding him to face him and they stare at each other. They can feel the warmth radiating off the other but neither melt into the feeling like usual: both solid and unmoving.
"I do."
He feels Dean try to pull back. Deciding not to let him, he tightens his grip, knowing that if he allowed him to leave he would build up lies and jokes to pretend it never happened. But it needs to be said. Dean looks positively broken. He looks so distraught that it would be an understatement to say that Cas is shocked when he starts laughing. A sharp harsh sound that affronts the ear. He draws back and watches as Dean bends over, clutching his belly as if he is throwing up the horrid noise.
"Of course you do. So fucking stupid to think you'd be any different."
Is panted out between laughs. When they meet eyes again, Deans are too shiny and glassy. His smile is shaky and he can feel the seams holding him together ripping. So dumb. So stupid. He tries to pull himself together but he can't help but feel betrayed. Cas was his friend, he trusted him, let his walls down and now... Now it's all fucked up. He knows that really it isn't Cas' fault but...
"Of course it was too much to ask for a friend right?"
He asks bitterly, shaking his head. Cas is at the other side of the room now and it feels so odd for the two of them, who were always so close, to be stood as far apart from one another as possible. It seems to symbolise the break, the split clear as day, with the unspoken words pushing them apart and taking up the large space in the centre of the room.
"What do you mean?"
It suddenly feels like an odd place for this conversation. The glass walls leaving them too exposed in such an intimate time, although no one can hear what is being said. He feels on display for the whole world to watch as he falls apart.
"It's never enough. Seems like no one wants to be around me unless I spread my legs."
Cas flinches as the vulgarity of the statement. He wants to argue that that's not what it means; he wants to cherish Dean and love him. Never wanted to push him away. Hating the new void between them Cas finds his voice.
"I don't expect anything from you. Being with you is enough but I thought you should know how I feel."
Dean resits the urge to laugh again.
"You say that now but it won't be long before 'you can't do it anymore' and 'it's too hard for you to be around me when you feel this way' or 'you just need time to get over me' and 'you can't do that near me'. Don't think I don't know that that bit of time is eternity, that I lost you as soon as you admitted those words to yourself."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because it's happened before! Because it happens every goddamn time I try to have a relationship! Born with this stupid fucking face everyone seems to love and I just hate it. Hate that everyone seems to think I'm so goddamn attractive they can't resist. Maybe if I put on weight, grew a beard or let a monster have a good go at my face it would stop. You know, I don't even like sex. I figured I would if I just gave it a try, you know? Never really saw the appeal but everyone seemed to think it was such a big deal. I didn't like it with girls so I tried it with guys and I didn't like that either. Who knew not liking sex would be such a big deal? But I seem to be cursed with loneliness or just putting out and dealing with it."
"But all those one night stands-"
"I was just giving it a go. I thought if I found the right person it would be good or it'd get better or something. It was stupid I know."
Cas honestly doesn't know what to say to that so he remains quiet. The silence stretches on until Dean sighs and perches on the edge of his desk again, wondering what will become of them now. His best friend just- and he honestly doesn't know how to handle it. Cas on the other hand is seeing a new layer to his friend and unfortunately it is no less depressing than his others.
"I think you're asexual."
Cas says after a long time. Dean looks at him, so lost in thought that the statement confuses him, bewildered and uncertain.
"What?"
Cas clears his throat and approaches the desk, tentively sitting down next to Dean. He now feels very aware of the closeness of their bodies in a way he never has before now that he knows how uncomfortable his friend is. He pushes thoughts of unrequited love aside and focuses on Dean. Dean needs him and it's very rare he ever opens up so Cas has to take his chance now.
"Have you ever felt attracted to someone?"
Dean looks confused. Of course he has, he flirts with the pretty girls for a reason instead of the ugly ones.
"Well yeah... It's pretty obvious to tell if someone's good looking or not."
Cas shakes his head and edges slightly closer.
"No. I mean have you ever looked at someone and desired them... Physically, sexually?"
Dean seems to think on it for a moment, pursing his lips in a way which is very distracting to Castiel. He seems almost timid when he responds.
"No? Is that not- you just go out with people who you like and who are attractive right? I mean, just cause I don't wanna kiss em or anything doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It's fine once they initiate it I guess."
He finishes weakly. He seems to have slumped into himself and Cas aches to soothe him.
"Asexual isn't a bad thing. It's just a thing. You probably just didn't realise because a lot of people don't know what it means and the asexual population is very minuet. Having no sexual attraction is perfectly acceptable."
Dean seems to think this over before he smiles.
"So... Not everyone likes sex stuff and that's fine?"
Cas nods and smiles encouragingly. Dean now focused on his recently discovered sexuality completely forgets about what brought them to this point of conversation. Cas is happy to indulge and enjoys the closeness and intimacy while it lasts. Before Dean remembers and freaks out about 'personal space'. Their shoulders and knees bump together as their legs hang down from the desk. The papers are still on the floor interrupting the peace. It doesn't feel like things such as documents should be involved in such a moment of sheer calm and trust but they tower over the pair demanding to be noticed.
"I should carry on working."
But he doesn't.