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Pidge Gunderson would not say they were the smartest person in the universe. They had met multiple people that were definitely smarter than them, such as Ryner (they should really visit Olkarion again), Slav (who was really annoying but also managed to piss Shiro off in the funniest way possible so it balanced out), and even Hunk who was on the same team as them. So no, they weren’t the smartest person ever, but they were still pretty smart!
Pidge also didn’t think their level of brainpower was necessary to see the shit going on between the red and blue paladins of Voltron. A child could probably figure it out (no, Pidge did not count in that category thank you very much Lance!)
Honestly. It was so obvious sometimes.
Lance had a very amusing habit of draping off Keith’s shoulders mid-conversation and randomly deciding that Keith just had to hear everything about his day. Yes, Lance did do those things to the others (Pidge threatened to put dye in his shampoo every time he pulled that shit on them. They still hadn’t followed through), but he subjected Keith to his woes far more often. Pidge had run the statistics and everything. Keith was an extreme outlier.
Keith, for his part, also had a habit of unconsciously seeking out Lance and spending time with him. The only other person on the ship who saw him nearly as much as Lance did was Shiro, Keith’s literal older brother and mentor figure. And Shiro still didn’t get as much attention as Lance did! Shiro also didn’t get the tiny little smiles that Keith thought he was oh so good at hiding (he was not. Please kill Pidge.)
The two of them were clearly in a secret relationship and hiding it from the rest of the team!
So then why was Shiro so confused about it?
“Wait, hang on,” he interrupted Lance’s rambling explanation, holding up a hand to cut him off. “Let me get this straight. So you’re telling me that, in the seven hours that you were on the surface of Greinzac and uncontactable because of the storms, you somehow managed piss off their ruler and be sentenced to execution by firing squad,” Shiro shot a glare at Keith as he opened his mouth to argue, “save the heir to the throne from an assassination plot by the rebels, then join the rebels, lead an assault against the capital city, broker a peace treaty between the rebels and the crown, broker another peace treaty that included the Voltron Alliance, and be named the divine, prophesied heroes? Shiro’s voice steadily increased in volume until he was almost yelling the last few words. Pidge grimaced. They did not envy Keith and Lance right now.
“We also got married?” Lance squeaked, shakily smiling and shrugging his shoulders.
“Oh yeah, sure, let me just add that to the–” Shiro began, his voice soft and incredibly sarcastic, “You got married?!”
Okay, by this point Shiro was actually yelling. How great for Pidge’s poor, poor ears. If only they could go back to listening to old Green Day albums and coding. But nooooo, they had to be here to deal with this bullshit of a debriefing. “Why do you sound so surprised they got married?” they interrupted before Shiro could continue his lecture. If they were going to be forced to be here, then they may as well ask what was wrong with Shiro. “I could understand being annoyed they didn’t tell us beforehand, or disappointed they didn’t wait to tie the knot on Earth with everyone there, but not surprised that it happened at all. It was only a matter of time, right?”
Lance’s mother was going to be pissed. Pidge couldn’t wait to see that fallout.
Speaking of Lance, the boy in question (who was absolutely going to be eviscerated by his family. Pidge should start the betting pool with a seven month grounding) whipped around to stare at Pidge. They just raised their eyebrows, leaning back further in their chair on the flight deck. Alteans apparently weren’t the best at designing armrests that were comfortable to rest against with their legs slung over the opposite side. How unfortunate for their poor back.
“Uh, I have a better question. Why do you not sound surprised? Lance asked, pointing at them. Next to him, still clad in his dirty and somehow slightly smoking paladin’s armor, Keith’s eyes had widened slightly. Actually, how did Keith manage to make his armor smoke? Did he get set on fire or something?
No, no, that wasn’t the problem at hand. Pidge refocused their attention on apparent denial coming from the red and blue paladins.
This could not be happening. It just wasn’t possible. “Because you two are clearly in love with each other and secretly dating and are just waiting for the right time to tell everyone else?” they explained instead of confronting the horrifying possibility that their calculations might be incorrect (they weren’t. They legally couldn’t be.) “I mean, this wasn’t really the best way to reveal your relationship, but it’s certainly one way.”
Hunk’s face slammed into his palm. How rude.
“What the fuck Pidge?” Keith spat out. Also rude. Was he cursing Pidge out for blatantly saying what the entire room must know by now, or for criticizing the way they revealed their relationship? If it was the second, then their criticism was highly warranted and Keith could go fuck himself.
“Yeah, I’m gonna have to second that Pidgey,” Lance added, switching to point at Keith instead of them. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Coran hummed and stroked his mustache. Pidge didn’t think the man could get more cliche. They had been wrong. “No, no, Number Five’s got a point there.” Maybe Coran could make some sense after all! Finally, someone else who seemed to have a single brain cell! “You two are like a couple of dancing Quarxlakles!” Nevermind. Coran was still completely incomprehensible.
“Ooh, you’re right Coran! They even have the hair to match!” Allura agreed, smiling widely. There were practically sparkles coming off her cheeks. Allura swore they weren’t real. Pidge would continue to swear that her quintessence magic bullshit (Pidge would figure out how it worked eventually) did something whenever she smiled.
But Pidge had bigger things to deal with right now than Allura’s mystical sparkles. “What do you mean ‘what are you talking about?’ Am I going insane right now?”
“We’re not secretly dating!” Keith and Lance spoke in unison. Pidge raised their eyebrow, and Lance rolled his eyes before elbowing Keith in the gut. Keith sneered and punched Lance lightly on the shoulder. Lightly of course. Because he was actually madly in love with the blue paladin and refused to actually hurt him, clearly.
That brought Pidge back to the problem at hand. They raised one finger. “Okay, so either I’m currently passed out from sleep deprivation and having the wildest lucid dream of my life and that’s saying something,” they began, flicking up their second finger, “I somehow invented multiversal travel, hopped to another universe where you aren’t actually in love and promptly forgot I did just that,” third and final finger up, “or I shattered my skull open on the last mission and am having vivid hallucinations as I slowly die in the real world.
“Pidge what the fuck–” Hunk tried to say, but Pidge kept going. They weren’t done yet!
“Because there is no way I’m wrong about this. I did the math and everything!” they finished, throwing their hands up in the air. Yes, one of them collided jarringly with the edge of their console and sent a shock of pain up their wrist.. No, they didn’t care right now.
“Look, Pidge–” Shiro began.
This couldn’t be happening. They just didn’t understand! “No, no, look!” Pidge interrupted, twisting very awkwardly to reach the keyboard on their pilot’s chair and connecting their smaller monitor to the much larger screen at the front of the flight deck. A large spreadsheet appeared in front of the team, custom coded in Pidge’s own organization software, and meticulously color coded (because they weren’t an animal). Each cell in the spreadsheet, hundreds of them, carried a wide variety of information from type of interaction, people involved in said interaction, time duration, location, practically everything!
“Lance’s primary love language is physical touch, we all know that,” Pidge began, practically rambling at this point. “He displays that regularly with the rest of the team and Hunk is his second most common target. Hunk is tracked down for affection approximately 16.7% of the time. Keith, however,” Pidge switched tabs in the spreadsheet, pulling up a page that was almost entirely color-coded in red, “was tracked down 34.2% of the time, much higher than anyone else on the team. The same trend continues in Lance’s secondary love language, quality time.”
“I–” Lance tried to speak, probably to cook up some bullshit defense for himself.
Pidge didn’t let that happen. They just switched tabs again, this time pulling up one covered in mostly blue. “Keith’s primary love language is also quality time. He spends the majority of his time alone, but when he does purposefully seek someone out, it’s almost always Lance. Keith seeks out Lance approximately 48.6% of the time, with Shiro being the next closest at 35.1%. Shiro has the excuse of being Keith’s older brother and mentor figure.” Pidge turned away from the keyboard to glare at the rest of the room.
The paladins had frozen in place. Lance and Keith’s eyes were both trained on the screen, wide open. Allura and Coran practically bounced in place, elated. Hunk’s face was still in his palm, and Shiro rubbed the sides of his head gently.
“Lance does not have that excuse. And, again, the same trend continues in Keith’s secondary love language, acts of service.” They paused and tilted their head. “Do I need to go over the secondary languages and their statistics as well?”
“No Pidge, I think you’ve done enough,” Shiro rushed to say, before groaning. “You’ve done plenty.”
Pidge opened their mouth to continue speaking, perhaps to bring up the way that Lance routinely focused on Keith’s appearance in their arguments, almost like he was obsessed with it, but a sudden burst of movement stopped them. Keith’s hand clasped tightly around Lance’s wrist and the red paladin practically dragged him out of the room, ignoring his protests and insults. The door slammed shut behind them.
Oh.
“They really weren’t in a secret relationship after all, were they?” Pidge murmured, frowning. Now they kinda felt bad.
“No, they weren’t,” Shiro began, slowly walking over to Pidge’s perch at their station. “I assume they’ll be returning and telling us that they are actually in a relationship soon. Now,” he placed his hand heavily on Pidge’s shoulder. Oops. “Let’s talk about your apparent stalkerish tendencies.”
Nope. No way. Not happening. Pidge had more important things to do with their time.
“Sorry Shiro, but Green needs an update to her cloaking device, and I recently got a request to hack into an encrypted system from the Blade, so…” they drawled, subtly summoning their bayard and sliding it into their hand, “I’m afraid I don’t have time for that.”
Pidge whipped the bayard up, jabbing it into Shiro’s arm and electrocuting him (on the lowest setting of course). Shiro stumbled backwards, releasing his grip on Pidge’s shoulder, and Pidge was out of the chair in a flash.
They darted over to the vent grate hidden amongst the floor tiles next to the wall, screws already carefully removed for situations exactly like this, and yanked it open.
“Pidge! Wait!” Shiro cried out.
“No can do!” Pidge yelled over their shoulder as they dropped into the vent system. “I have other things to do than sit through another one of your lectures!” They yanked the vent cover back into place and scrambled down the tunnel. Shiro’s arm followed as soon as he managed to wrestle the vent cover away from its insert, but Pidge was long out of his reach by then. Perfect. Shiro and Hunk were too big to fit in here, Allura and Coran probably wouldn’t help Shiro, and Keith and Lance were almost certainly too busy making out to care.
Pidge was home free.