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Castiel needs Dean's forgiveness.
He fucked up. He knows he fucked up. The leviathans were one big mistake that he can never take back and breaking down Sam's wall is unforgiveable but here's the thing: he needs Dean's forgiveness anyway.
Castiel should have listened but being God felt so good. He was finally worth something. He was helpful. He'd thought Dean would be pleased.
But Dean was terrified and that scared Castiel more than anything.
"Love me," he ordered and Dean fell to his knees but the love was gone. That glimmer of sunshine had vanished behind a gathering storm.
Dean did not love him and likely never would again.
And that... well, Castiel could go insane with that knowledge.
So he does.
He takes Sam's burden. He think it's the first step towards mattering again. Sam is safe, which he wanted very badly, and Dean... Dean still hates him.
He wants to ask him, "Where did all your love for me go?"
It has to be somewhere. Such powerful love couldn't disappear in an instant. Castiel doesn't understand. He doesn't understand many things.
Meg loves him and he loves her, although not quite in the way he loves Dean, so he clings on to her. She visits him and plays games with him. She calls Dean when Castiel wakes up and Castiel is filled with immense joy at the fact that Dean wanted to know when he awakened. He wanted to come be there with him.
When Dean and Sam arrive, Castiel can't help but hug them and tell them he loves them.
They don't love him back.
It hurts more than Castiel was expecting it to. No one has ever told him they love him and now no one will. Maybe Meg will if he asks nicely. She seems fond of him and she's looking more and more beautiful to him by the day. It just took him a moment to get past the demon of her.
She kisses him sometimes, on the cheek or on the forehead. It's affection Castiel has not received before, except for with his wife. He doesn't know what Daphne thinks must have happened. He hopes she knows Emmanuel is dead. He hopes she can mourn him and find another husband who she didn't stumble across naked by a river.
Daphne had undeniable bad taste.
Castiel tries to make a joke when Dean comes. He's been buzzing with excitement ever since Meg said Dean was coming. She smiled at him and teased him and Castiel just grinned.
When Dean is here, it doesn't go as well as Castiel wants it to. Dean doesn't laugh. He's supposed to laugh.
No one laughs.
Meg smiles, though. That's something at least.
There's a prophet and angels and conflict, which Castiel hates so he leaves.
He's really very sorry about everything. He hates it. He hates himself. Selfish as it is, he just wishes everyone else didn't hate him for it too.
He gets out the board game 'Sorry' to try and convey his feelings to Dean. Dean sits with him but he doesn't want to play. He just wants to ask questions that Castiel doesn't want to answer. He wants it all to stop being so noisy and for everyone to be happy again. Or, as close to happy as Winchesters get.
"Forget the damn game!" Dean shouts and he throws the board game off the table and onto the floor.
Castiel freezes. He can feel phantom leviathan writhing inside him. He can hear the screams of agony from his victims. He can taste the blood on his lips.
Castiel gets down on the ground and starts picking up the pieces.
Dean doesn't say anything but he seems vaguely remorseful.
Castiel just wants them to get along. Please, please, love me again.
He doesn't know what to do so moves from crouched to kneel in front of Dean, head bowed.
"What are you doing?" Dean huffs.
Castiel moves his hands to press together in something like prayer. He supposes he is praying, although he's never prayed to anyone who isn't God before.
Maybe Dean Winchester could be God. He would make a better one than Castiel.
"I have hurt you."
"Damn right you have," Dean mutters, still sounding confused and a little angry.
That's the opposite of what Castiel wants.
"I'm sorry," Castiel says.
"Sorry isn't gonna cut it this time, Cas."
"I know." Castiel is a coward. He can't meet Dean's eyes. "I could tear myself to shreds for you and never manage to repay my debt. I have torn apart thousands of people out of arrogance and fear and shame because you would not look at me the same way. I was so ashamed of myself, Dean. I was so terrified of you and what you no longer felt for me so I hid and I ruined everything. I ruined the world, your brother, myself and us. I can never..."
He chokes, feelings wetness on his cheeks.
"I can never undo this," he says hoarsely, "or redeem myself. I am unforgiveable. I know that. I do. And it's so selfish of me to feel so much sadness when I'm not the one who got hurt. I ruined-"
"Hey, hey, hey," Dean interrupts, standing up and trying to urge Castiel to his feet. Castiel looks up, fingers clutching at Dean's legs.
He is begging, praying, worshipping and aren't they all the same thing? How could he ever touch such divinity? How can he ever live with himself after seeing who Dean is and betraying him anyway?
He's babbling, still desperate and heartbroken and utterly, utterly selfish.
Dean has his hands on his shoulder, his jaw, his face. He swipes away tears and raises his voice and shakes Castiel and...
"Dean," Castiel says, holding tighter to the fabric of Dean's jeans. "I need you to listen. You don't owe me anything. You don't. Just please, please."
Dean bends slowly down to the floor, his knees thudding on the ground. He holds Castiel's face and tips their foreheads to rest together. Castiel closes his eyes, breathing heavily.
Dean's voice is filled with unreadable emotion.
"Cas," he says, voice cracking. "Cas, I thought I lost you. I carried around your trenchcoat for months and I thought you were dead."
Castiel isn't sure why that matters but he opens his eyes and suddenly Dean is crying, his fingers curling in Castiel's hair.
"You don't do that," Dean continues. "You can't do that to me, Cas. It isn't fair."
"I know," Castiel whispers.
"I'm so pissed at you," Dean says, not sounding very pissed at all, "and I'm gonna be awful to you sometimes because I'm hurting. You hurt me. Okay, but that doesn't mean I am not so relieved you are alive. You can't forget that."
"Okay, Dean," Castiel says. His arms feel useless by his sides.
He feels useless.
So he composes himself because he needs to help Dean. He always needs to help Dean.
"We should look at the bees."