Work Text:
The dreams start when she's 5.
Shi Qingxuan is a bit nervous to find herself alone in an unfamiliar park. Normally, when she dreams, Shi Qingxuan is surrounded by places or people she recognizes; tonight is different. She toddles around, exploring the swings and slides, before returning to the sidewalk where she started. It's a nice park.
Her exploration is halted when she hears footsteps behind her. Shi Qingxuan freezes. Maybe she shouldn't have convinced her brother to let her watch that scary movie with him...
She slowly turns around, her eyes almost cartoonishly wide. And then—she sees her.
"What are you starin' at?" She speaks, a pout on her face.
Shi Qingxuan breaks out of her trance and replies, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to stare... Who are you?"
The girl doesn't reply, she just scrunches her eyebrows, huffs and walks away. She steps over each line in the pavement with ease, carefully avoiding them until she reaches the sandbox. She continues in the sandbox, walking until she reaches the swingset.
"Hey, wait!" Shi Qingxuan chases after her, running wildly. "Do you need help?"
She squints and speaks in a deadpan voice, "Help with what?"
Shi Qingxuan gestures. "Y'know, the swings! My ge usually pushes me, do you want me to push you?"
"No. I don't need your help." The girl sits and starts swinging herself, without any help. Shi Qingxuan is amazed.
"Woah! How do you swing like that? Can you teach me?"
"No." Her answers are sharp and curt, no more than what she needs to say.
"Awhh... Can we be friends then, at least? You're really cool!" Shi Qingxuan rambles, staring at the girl, starry-eyed.
The girl doesn't answer, so Shi Qingxuan continues.
"You can call me A-Xuan! That's what my ge calls me." She gives a toothy smile. There's a tooth missing, Shi Qingxuan having lost her first tooth not too long ago.
The girl mumbles.
"What? Sorry, I didn't hear you!"
The girl mumbles again, this time loud enough for Shi Qingxuan to hear. "Xuan. Just Xuan."
Shi Qingxuan thinks for a moment, before grinning. "Your name is also Xuan? Well then I can't just call you Xuan, that would be confusing. Why don't I call you Xuan-jie?"
Xuan-jie shrugs.
Shi Qingxuan smiles even wider, something Xuan-jie didn't realize was possible. "Nice to meet you, Xuan-jie! I've never met someone new in one of my dreams..."
Xuan-jie looks confused. "What do you mean your dream? This is my dream."
Shi QIngxuan looks over, puzzled. She thinks of what to reply, but it's too late. The dream fades into nothingness and Shi Qingxuan wakes up.
The dreams don't stop there, no. They keep happening—not every night, but almost. The first few times, Shi Qingxuan and Xuan-jie argue over whose dream it is. The settings for the dreams shuffle, but the playground is the most common one. Eventually, they both settle on the idea they're sharing a dream.
Shi Qingxuan and Xuan-jie form a steady friendship. Their twentieth dream takes place the night before Shi Qingxuan's 6th birthday.
"It's my birthday tomorrow, Xuan-jie! I'm turning 6"
Shi Qingxuan and Xuan-jie are sitting atop the playground structure, swinging their legs over the ledge. Shi Qingxuan excitedly talks about her day while Xuan-jie sits and listens. It's a calm routine. Xuan-jie occasionally interjects with an idea of her own but doesn't speak more about herself.
"Tomorrow? You're turning 6 tomorrow?" Xuan-jie's voice has a tinge of surprise.
"Yeah! And my ge is planning me a huge party! He let me invite all my friends and it's gonna be princess-themed and—"
"My 6th birthday is also tomorrow." Xuan-jie interrupts her; the only way to stop her rambling.
Shi Qingxuan slowly turns to face her, her brown eyes even wider than usual. "Oh. My. God. Xuan-jie, we're twins! We're so twins; the name, the birthday, we're matching!"
"Sure. Maybe we are." Xuan-jie smiles. It's a small and short thing, quickly wiped off her face, but Shi Qingxuan notices it nonetheless and annoys her about it the rest of the night.
Shi Qingxuan mentions the dreams to her brother one night. Shi Wudu is tucking her in for bed. It's a week after her birthday and rain softly patters against the window. The sunset peaks through the blinds in Shi Qingxuan's room and tints her room an orange hue.
"Ge?"
"Mhm?" Shi Qingxuan trusts her brother. She also trusts her parents, but they're always at work and wouldn't want to hear about her dreams anyway.
"There's this girl in my dream, I think she's my twin! Her name is also Xuan and—and she has the same birthday as me! Cool, right? She also has these icy blue eyes! And—"
"Sure. Time for bed now, Qingxuan." Shi Wudu barely agrees with her before brushing the topic off. He is tired, too tired to play along with one of Shi Qingxuan's games.
Shi Qingxuan can tell her brother doesn't believe her. She tries to argue back, to defend her very much real dreams. Unfortunately, Shi Qingxuan is even more tired than Shi Wudu. She falls into a deep slumber after only speaking a couple of words.
Fine, Shi QIngxuan thinks. Her brother doesn't need to believe her anyway.
Months after they turn 10, Shi Qingxuan starts asking Xuan-jie for her family name.
"Xuan-jie~ Come on! I just wanna know your family name... It's not like I'm asking you for your address or something."
Xuan-jie sneers. "No. Why don't you share yours, hmm? Since you're so eager to hear mine."
"Nuh-uh! I'm not sharing 'till you do!" Shi Qingxuan crosses her arms and huffs.
The question continues for years, becoming a running joke between the two. However, despite the years-long battle, neither of them have given up a shred of information. Sometimes, Shi Qingxuan wonders if she should. Her conclusion is always no, she needs to keep this spiteful game up.
Xuan-jie is there for Shi Qingxuan's first period, her first crush and even her parent's death. Shi Qingxuan didn't feel much for them while they were alive. She never saw them anyway, why should she care if they died? But she did. And Xuan-jie was there to pick up the pieces with her. Naturally, Shi Qingxuan is there for her Xuan-jie's firsts too, the few that she decided to share.
Of course, as Shi Qingxuan grows up, she realizes her "Xuan-jie" couldn't be more than just an imaginary friend; an imaginary friend made to fill the loneliness in Shi Qingxuan's life. Sure, she had friends. She has many friends, in fact; a consequence of being the social butterfly (or the fault of being stupidly rich, her brain supplies). Despite her lengthy list of friends and acquaintances, she has no one she truly trusts. She especially didn't have any "besties".
So, Shi Qingxuan indulged in her dreams. Despite the lingering feeling of... shame? The shame of being closer to a construct her kid brain created than any real person, that's what Shi Qingxuan felt. But, she was just so lonely. At high school, she could buy as many gifts as she wanted and give as much money as she felt like. None of it created true relationships. By the time Shi Qingxuan realizes this, it's too late. She isn't a friend to anyone, and no matter how hard she tries, she never would be. Just another piggy bank.
Shi Qingxuan could deal with this. She could play the perfect popular girl, go on dates with guys she doesn't care for and spend on her friends' dinner.
High school goes by in a flash and university comes too soon. A fresh start, Shi Qingxuan thinks. She finds a far-past-modest apartment and moves out just in time for her first semester. It feels lonely without her brother, even with the constant calls. Luckily, she still has her Xuan-jie. Soon, she makes new friends, and all is good again.
Until it isn't.
The fight happens fast, too fast. Somehow, 15 years of friendship explodes in less than 14 minutes.
Shi Qingxuan and Xuan-jie are yelling at each other. They are standing on the path in front of their usual park. Somehow, the trees surrounding them feel denser today, casting a large shadow over them. The wind is loud and strong, shaking the tree branches.
"Really, Xuan-jie, you've been so secretive recently! I don't know what's wrong, but it's really starting to bother me." Shi Qingxuan straightens her back, hair billowing in the wind.
Xuan-jie takes a decisive step backward and stares Shi Qingxuan in the eyes. "My life is none of your business. Why do you care so much, huh!? You're always so invasive, disrespecting basic boundaries!"
"Excuse me?" Shi QIngxuan is indignant. "If you were uncomfortable with anything, you could've told me! Instead, you're here, ignoring me and being annoying. Can't you just communicate with me?"
"Oh, communicate, communicate... Shut up! These dreams, they're really just a burden. It'd be better if we never dreamt together ever again."
Shi QIngxuan's eyes widen and she stares harder at Xuan-jie.
Xuan-jie seems to realize this and attempts to back-peddle. "Wait, I... I didn't—" But it's too late. The playground fades into white and Shi Qingxuan wakes up.
That morning, Shi Qingxuan sobs into her pillow, harder than she ever has. She cries more than she did when her parents died. Shi Qingxuan is alone, alone in a new apartment, without her best friend's support.
That night, her sleep is dreamless.
The next night, her sleep is once again dreamless.
And the next.
And also the next.
And—
They stop.
The dreams stop.
Shi Qingxuan couldn't help but feel even more alone.
She picks herself up afterward, of course. She hangs out with classmates, chases her sleepless nights with late parties and works hard on her degree. Eventually, she graduates. She walks up on stage, accepts her diploma and moves on. Her dreamless night only furthurs her sorrows. The first achievement her Xuan-jie isn't here for... She's moved on—or at least, that's what she tells herself.
"Lian-lian~ Those pants just looked too good on you! Of course, we had to get multiple colours..."
Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian are walking in a busy shopping mall. It's early January and the stores are already preparing for Chinese New Year. Shi Qingxuan's arms are decorated with shopping bags, all with different logos. Her companion, Xie Lian, is holding a single paper bag from some pharmacy.
Shi Qingxuan had met Xie Lian a year earlier, at a coffee shop. She was looking for a place to sit and conveniently, there was a free seat at his table. They hit it off immediately. Shi Qingxuan's bubbly personality crushed Xie Lian's awkwardness and created good chemistry between them. Ever since then, they have kept in contact and Shi Qingxuan often invites Xie Lian to get out of his apartment. Despite Xie Lian's financial issues, he almost always refuses Shi Qingxuan's money. Today, however, he agreed to let her style him—his only mistake was thinking that meant one outfit.
After shopping for hours—or at least what felt like hours—Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian decide to take a break at a new coffee shop. Shi Qingxuan hums, she'd never seen this company before. It must be an independent store, Shi Qingxuan mused. They walk to the end of the short line and wait. Xie Lian tries to chide Shi Qingxuan about wasting money, but she doesn't hear any of it. You're a good friend of mine! It's my treat, she smiled.
It's only a minute or so before they reach the cashier. She speaks in a soft voice as she takes their order. Shi Qingxuan contemplates the menu for a short minute before deciding on a vanilla latte and a small chocolatine. Xie Lian orders and Shi Qingxuan takes the moment to look around the cafe. It's small, like most mall coffee shops, but here, its size just adds to the cozy feeling it radiates. A large lever espresso machine sits on the back counter, each inscribed with LA MARZOCCO. They shine a bright silver, clearly well-kept. There's a barista using the machine.
Shi Qingxuan looks at the barista. Her midnight hair is short, styled in a wolf cut. The barista turns around and—
"..."
Shi Qingxuan thinks she's experiencing déjà-vu. She looks her in the eyes and the barista stares back, her icy blue eyes widening. They lock eye contact for what feels like minutes, hours.
She recognizes those eyes...
The same pale eyes she used to gaze into in her dreams.
Xie Lian pulls Shi Qingxuan out of her shock, sheepishly telling her he's finished ordering. Shi Qingxuan nods, breaking eye contact with her and keeping her gaze downward. She taps her card on the PIN pad, enters a modest tip and gives a quiet thank you to the cashier. She's pulling Xie Lian as far away from the counter as she can without completely leaving the coffee shop.
"Ah—Qingxuan? Are you alright?" Xie Lian sounds concerned. He'd never seen her just shut down like that before. Shi Qingxuan dismisses it with excuses of a lack of sleep and mild apologies. If Xie Lian notices her obvious lies, he doesn't mention it as she changes subjects. The coffee is ready fast, very fast. Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian go to pick up their coffees from the counter just about two minutes after paying. Xie Lian comments on how efficient they are, to which the barista, pointedly not her, politely laughs and thanks him. Shi Qingxuan nods along as her eyes trace the back wall again. There is not a trace of the woman who stood there only a minute earlier.
Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian are shops away from the cafe by the time Shi Qingxuan has processed what just happened. Xie Lian offers that they should sit on the bench for a coffee and chat break. Shi Qingxuan agrees if only to stop the gears turning in her brain. They speak quietly, and Xie Lian mentions a handsome youth he met the other day.
Normally, if she heard a story like this, Shi Qingxuan would tease him a bit. She'd ask him if her "Lian-lian" was all grown up now, but today she couldn't speak more than a few words at a time. Her body may be sitting on the bench with Xie Lian, but her mind is elsewhere.
Shi Qingxuan is restless.
She is lying under her fluffy duvet cover, staring at the glowing stars on her ceiling. She has counted them all dozens of times, she knows their count by heart. There are 37 stars. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... She looks over at each and every one. It's therapeutic. It's calming. It distracts her.
She needs to sleep, but the waves of emotions toiling within her make that an impossible task. Is it pain? Could it be eagerness? Or maybe she's nervous. Shi Qingxuan can't tell one feeling from the next. She lies prone in her bed, counting stars.
Somehow, perhaps with the help of some melatonin, Shi Qingxuan manages to fall asleep not too long past midnight.
Shi Qingxuan is in the park. She... is in the park? Shi Qingxuan suddenly jolts into the reality of her situation. She looks around from where she's standing off to the side. The park is just as it had always been, if not a little more eerie. Shi Qingxuan feels her breathing speed up. (Or slow down? Shi Qingxuan isn't sure anymore.) She looks around, the originally bright yellow slides, a faded beige—discolouration from the baring sun. It was more often sunny than not in the dreams.
She walks into the sandbox and she spots her. She, her Xuan-jie, is sitting on a swing.
Shi Qingxuan is still, terrified of ruining this peace. She just stares, looking at Xuan-jie from afar. Her hair is the same wolf cut she saw at the cafe, blue tint and all. Shi Qingxuan almost laughs thinking about how she must look right now, stalking around like some weirdo.
"I know you're there."
Shi Qingxuan stiffens. Her voice... It sounds just like it did all those years ago.
"Stop being so silent. It's... weird." Xuan-jie makes no eye contact, her eyes looking straight down at the sand.
Shi Qingxuan walks over and sits on the swing beside her.
"Xuan-jie..." She doesn't know where to start. She trails off, silently pushing herself on the swing. She looks over at Xuan-jie.
Xuan-jie must feel pity because she breaks the silence, "It was you at the coffee shop." It's a statement, not a question. Xuan-jie's face is as unreadable as ever.
Shi Qingxuan''s silence is an agreement. Xuan-jie hums.
"So is that it? Seems like I wasn't missing much from these dreams."
And so, the dam breaks.
"Xuan-jie! Xuan-jie! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry for all I said and did."
It's always been her, Shi Qingxuan realizes. The one she truly loved. And to think she's real, tangible, a person existing outside of dreams... It feels unreal. She had known for years she was different. She liked boys, sure. Her first crush was the sporty boy in 3rd grade! But... Something about Xuan-jie always seemed different to Shi Qingxuan. She was captivating, beautiful, everything. She was always so much more than just a friend to Shi Qingxuan.
"Please... I love you, Xuan-jie. I always have."
I love you. Three words Shi Qingxuan has never had to courage to say until today. Shi Qingxuan has spent so much of her life pushing down these feelings; indulging in an imaginary friendship was one thing, having an imaginary lover, however, another. But Xuan-jie is real. She's real and Shi Qingxuan saw her.
"Tomorrow, I have work. If that's so true, then come see me. If not..." Xuan-jie doesn't finish her sentence, her eyes forever staring at the grains of sand. The implication is clear, however. If not, it's over. Forever.
Shi Qingxuan makes a decision instantly as she feels the dream begin to fade away.
"I will be there, Xuan-jie. Mark my words!"
Shi Qingxuan prepares to wake up. Yet, consciousness does not return to her. She stays there, in the empty nothingness, for who knows how long. It's silent, desolate, devoid of anything. It's all she has known since the argument. Tonight was different, though. So why is she here? She lies, stands, sits, stays there for longer than she realizes. And then, she wakes up.
Shi Qingxuan feels a bright ray of sunlight hit her face. She groans and rolls over, languidly covering her head with her pillow. She is sprawled there for a minute before her brain catches up to her. Wait! The dream... Xuan-jie. Shi Qingxuan jolts up, eyes wide. (As wide as the day she first met her Xuan-jie.) She looks toward her window and sees the sunrise. Breathing a sigh of relief she goes to stand. She has plenty of time to get ready, prepare herself, think of what she'll say... Shi Qingxuan is nervous, eager, relieved.
That is, until she spots her clock. 6:15...
PM.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck—
The shopping mall closes at 7 PM. It takes thirty minutes to drive to the mall where Xuan-jie works. Maybe fifteen, probably twenty if she takes the metro? Shi Qingxuan shakes away the thoughts. Damnit, no time to think! How did I oversleep so much!? She jumps out of bed and frantically grabs whatever clothes she can find in her closet, putting together a barely coherent outfit. She sloppily brushes her teeth and hair, just enough to look semi-presentable.
6:20 PM. She's out of her apartment five minutes later—the fastest she's ever managed to get ready.
6:25 PM. Shi Qingxuan is waiting for the metro.
6:27 PM. The metro is late.
6:30 PM. Really late.
6:35 PM. Shi Qingxuan almost runs into people when she rushes into the metro.
6:58 PM. The stores are all preparing to close. Shi Qingxuan runs into the mall, almost hyperventilating. She made it. Now, to catch Xuan-jie before she leaves.
Shi Qingxuan runs, full-on sprints. She can't miss this. She can't go back on her words
"I will be there, Xuan-jie. Mark my words!"
The words replay themselves like a broken record in her mind as she runs. She runs, runs, runs and runs. And finally, she makes it. She sees the coffee shop. She also sees a certain someone slowly walking away from it. Her face is as familiar as ever. She's leaving. No. Shi Qingxuan can't, won't let this go.
"Wait! Xuan-jie!"
She turns around. The look of sadness Shi Qingxuan could just barely see is immediately smothered by shock.
"...A-Xuan?"
"Xuan-jie," Shi Qingxuan grins. She feels tears beginning to form in her eyes. Her breathing is unsteady as she stands there. "I'm late, but I'm here."
Xuan-jie just barely covers a grin of her own. Her eyes look as watery as Shi Qingxuan's.
"It really is you, A-Xuan."
Those words were all it took for Shi Qingxuan to jump into Xuan-jie's arms, hugging her tightly. They stand there in limbo, hugging in the middle of an almost deserted mall. Luckily, any possible bystanders seem to be far away from them. Shi Qingxuan looks up and sees her Xuan-jie looking down at her. Her eyes are full of adoration and quiet affection. Shi Qingxuan can feel the tears running down her face; she doesn't care. All that matters now i that her Xuan-jie is holding her, and she is holding her Xuan-jie.
They stare. Gazing into each other's eyes. It only takes a moment before Shi Qingxuan pulls her Xuan-jie down by the collar and holds her face close. Xuan-jie is silent a moment, a predatory scrutiny overtaking her gaze. Shi Qingxuan feels Xuan-jie's cold, large hands cup her face. She nods and is pulled into a kiss.
Ah, of course, Xuan-jie is a great kisser!
It's warm, beautiful and feels like love. Like true love. It's devotion, infatuation. It's lust, passion.
They pull away after what feels like hours. (It has probably only been a minute at most.)
"He Xuan," Xuan-jie breaks eye contact and stares at her shoes. She's wearing classic Doc Martins.
"Huh?"
"That's my full name. He Xuan."
He Xuan... A fitting name. Shi Qingxuan looks at her and smiles.
"Shi Qingxuan. Pleased to meet you!"
They gaze at each other, admiring the moment. Their eyes filled with a mutual fondness. He Xuan is pulled into a tight hug.
"Is it okay if I still call you Xuan-jie?"
He Xuan looks at her softly.
"As long as I can call you A-Xuan."
Shi Qingxuan replies swiftly, "Of course!"
They are back in the park. This time, Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan aren't alone. They're sitting on a bench, it's farther from the park than where they usually sit. Hidden behind trees, they relax under the sunlight. They are close, Shi Qingxuan almost in her Xuan-jie's lap. It's intimate.
Closer to the park, if one were to look hard enough, they would spot two small children standing on the pavement. One of them is fidgeting with their hands, wide-eyed. The other stares blankly, with furrowed brows.
"You know, I was scared," He Xuan speaks softly, so as not to bother the children.
Shi Qingxuan hums, as if to say really? Tell me more.
"This was my park, the one in my neighbourhood. You didn't live in my neighbourhood; I didn't know you. I was scared to meet someone new, someone different in my dream."
Shi Qingxuan giggles. "I found comfort in seeing you. Being in a desolate park I didn't recognize made me nervous. Another person, though? It was a relief."
They lean closer together, looking on at the park.
One of the children has started swinging themselves on the swing. The other one stares in awe.
This is the beginning of a friendship. The beginning of a relationship. The beginning of a story.
No matter what happens, those two will always return to each other. Their love will be an unstoppable force. That force may meet what seems to be an immovable object one day. But, no matter how long it takes, they will always reconnect again. No object is ever as immovable as it seems. They are true love, a match made in heaven, soulmates. They are tethered together. Their dreams are so intertwined one cannot dream without the other.
They belong.
They are meant to be.