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“Look what I got,” Megan says conspiratorially, cradling a new book like it’s the most valuable thing in the world. She has recently stopped wearing her hair in pigtails and Howell thinks she looks quite grown up. She holds out the book for him to see: The Two Towers.
“You got it!” Howell squeals and runs to look at it.
“I’ve been saving for it,” Megan declares proudly.
“Let’s read it right now!” Howell all but yells, sprinting around her in excitement.
“Will you calm down,” Megan says, trying to grab his arm. “Listen, I have chores. Don’t you dare start it without me.”
Howell knows she’ll only be a little mad if he starts without her, but he faithfully waits for his sister until they can start the book together in the evening. They read well into the night, whispering to each other through yawns – they are both well versed in picking up on their parents’ footsteps and pretending to be asleep when needed, so it is not a risk – until Howell almost falls asleep in Megan’s lap. “Until tomorrow, then,” she whispers, and he hums in agreement.
Megan has the biggest outburst Howell has seen in his life after a three-day cold war with their parents. He sits at the top of the stairs where they can’t see him, shuddering every time his mother raises her voice but too interested in the argument to run away and lock himself in his bedroom. He can hear Megan scream, “It’s years till Howell goes to college! Why do I have to sacrifice now?” and he thinks she has a point. Isn’t it too early to be arguing about him going to college?
Eventually Megan stops screaming and she’s crying, begging, “I’ll work, I’ll pay for him, please,” and then her voice tapers and she’s just sobbing quietly. Howell peeks from the stairs and sees their father sit Megan down and talk quietly to her.
After that, Megan slams doors and doesn’t speak for the rest of the day. Howell watches her curiously and stays out of her way. When he is in bed, she finally approaches him and he quickly pretends to be asleep.
“Howell,” she says quietly. He can tell she doesn’t buy his act – she is the one who taught him the art of feigning sleep, after all. But he doesn’t move. What can he say to her in this situation?
“I’m sorry I’m upset,” she says after a moment. “I knew it was a long shot, but I really hoped I’d be able to continue studying – but it’s not your fault. Just – do well for yourself, will you? Mum and Dad are doing this for you.” She falls silent again, perhaps waiting for a response. Howell feels bad, he knows it’s unfair of their parents to not let her go to college when she wants it so badly. He wonders if he should be happy that they are supposedly doing it for him, but all he feels is unhappy for Megan and uncomfortable for himself. He didn’t ask them to. But what can he do to make her feel better? Finally, Megan sighs, whispers “nos da” and leaves.
By the time Megan has her second big outburst, Howell has already put up his first David Bowie poster in his room and allowed his hair to grow a couple of inches longer than is socially acceptable. It is a relief that their mother never pays much attention to him, and when she does, she doesn’t scrutinize his appearance like she would Megan.
Megan’s arguments with their parents are less dramatic this time – she has grown more restrained with age – and spread out over several days. Howell keeps out of the way as much as he can, staying in his room and trying to tune out the heated conversations from downstairs, hiding his face behind sports magazines if Megan comes to his room. She sits with him more often than usual now, ranting under her breath about things their parents have said about her boyfriend. She never speaks to him directly, but he thinks she wants him to hear her. It’s a routine, Megan muttering and knitting, Howell pretending to be busy but following her tirade.
“All my life,” she mutters, her hands working almost comically fast at her knitting. She has picked up knitting recently and seems to take her anger out on the yarn when she is upset. “All my life I’ve done everything they asked me to, and now they expect me to – ugh!” Howell lowers his borrowed copy of Twelfth Night to watch the repetitive motion of her hands. “What do they take me for, honestly? You’d think they’d be happy I’ll be out of their hair soon, but they don’t even trust me to … Well, it’s my decision, and he’s serious about me, so there.”
“Gareth is perfectly respectable,” she says on another occasion when they are on an errand together. It’s Megan’s errand, really; Howell tagged along because it’s a Sunday and their father is home and he didn’t feel like being in the house with both their parents without Megan there. He tries not to think about the inevitability of Megan moving out after her wedding. “I know why they don’t like him, of course – they’re awful!” Howell is only slightly surprised at that outright condemnation of their parents – if anything, he is proud of her for that. He is also unsurprised at her indirect confirmation of what he already suspected – that their parents only oppose her marriage with Gareth because of his race.
It's a while before she comes to his room to complain again. She looks dejected rather than fired up, slumping down at the foot of his bed and turning her knitting over in her hands listlessly. “They won’t come to the wedding, will they?” she says finally. Howell turns to look at her a bit too fast, and she notices the movement and instinctively turns to him too. They make eye contact. It’s not part of the routine. Howell looks away quickly.
“Will you come?” Megan asks unexpectedly, sounding almost resigned.
“You need someone to give you away,” Howell says immediately. He sees her freeze out of the corner of his eye and gets up and runs out of the room, just in case she gets sappy.
Megan gets the house when their parents pass within months of each other. When she moves back in, Gareth holding her elbow and whispering about how this house will be a better place to raise the child, Howell is in the living room, trying to recline on the sofa but feeling oddly stiff. It’s strange to be alone in the empty space, after spending the past few years holed up in his room or out of the house.
“Help with the things, Howell,” Megan says drily. Her belly is protruding already and she looks pale.
Gareth tries to talk to him as Howell helps him carry the bags in, muttering condolences, asking after him. Howell avoids answering, not sure what to say.
Megan sits on the sofa looking away from him and rubs her eyes tiredly. He wonders if she feels blank like him, if she feels guilty for not being grieved. If she is sad – because she is older and knew their parents longer than he did, because in some way, her relationship with them was different from his. If she felt relief for a moment when she heard. If she is happy to be back in their family home or if she feels trapped all over again. If she is stressed that they have to support him now on top of their coming baby.
He doesn’t ask.
On the morning of Megan’s wedding day, Howell locked himself in the bathroom with Megan’s foundation and put it on meticulously, telling himself it was only to cover up his acne but his heart racing like he was doing something vulgar.
He wants to tell her, sometimes. The way the makeup made him feel. The desire sometimes to change everything about himself so nothing remains of his childhood. That shortly after she moved away to live with Gareth, he once wore one of her skirts on a whim, staring at himself in the mirror and wondering when he got so tall and what he would do with the ambitions their parents had for him. That he likes watching older boys play rugby and it’s not just for the game. He wonders what it would be like to banter with Megan about male celebrities like it was a normal thing to do. If it wasn’t so nerve-racking to think how she’d react. If he were braver. If he were capable of having an honest conversation with his sister without wanting to run away.
He comes close to telling her once, standing at the kitchen door watching her cook, asking with feigned nonchalance, “Meg, how would you feel if I was … not respectable at all?”
She is in a good mood that day. “Are you implying you are respectable at all?” she says cheerfully, and all of a sudden the conversation is too real. Howell does not bother to answer her or clarify anything before ducking out of the house.
There is a bit of a scandal with the first girl Howell gets serious with. He didn’t expect her to follow him home in tears, demanding an explanation, and it was only by chance that he wasn’t at home at the time. (If he is honest, though, he wouldn’t have been home anyway if he knew she’d show up on the doorstep). But Megan is furious when he gets home and doesn’t want to hear anything he has to say. She tells him things he already knows, that he is a disgrace for doing things like this, that he is wasting his potential by not paying attention to his studies, that he will ruin his own future if he continues like this. He is used to ignoring her hounding and acting like it doesn’t affect him, so he is about to quietly make his way to his room, when he notices that Neil has stopped paying attention to the television and is watching him and Megan intently, listening to her. It reminds him of being small and listening in on his own mother yelling at Megan, and the memory fills him with distaste. He marches to his room and shuts the door without a word.
When Mrs. Pentstemmon asks him his last name, he casts around for a fancy name and settles on Pendragon. He wonders, briefly, whether Megan would be amused that he has still retained his fascination with the legends of King Arthur, or if she would think it’s not respectable to stick to childhood interests. It doesn’t matter, either way. She won’t know about this. It feels right to shed his family name, as Megan did when she got married. Wandering the streets of Kingsbury, sticking out like a sore thumb in his jeans and jacket, he wonders what he can call himself here. An alias for when he is a proper wizard. Something less manly, perhaps. He doesn’t correct Hunch when he pronounces his name as Howl.
Telling his family is excruciating. Megan is up in arms when he returns to Wales, ready to give him an earful for disappearing without a word for two days. She brings up the things she always does, college and responsibility and being respectable, and for a moment, he wonders how it would be if he simply moved to Ingary permanently without telling her anything. But no matter how averse he is to uncomfortable conversations, even he is not that heartless, so he tells her he found a place and immediately locks himself in his room to dodge any further questions. He continues to avoid her questions for the next few days and lets her ramble to herself, taking turns being frustrated and worried and angry and trying to reassure herself. When it’s time to leave, he ruffles Neil’s hair and hugs Megan, promising to visit soon, and almost runs out of the house, casting the spell to open the portal before she can follow him.
It all settles down, eventually. Howl gets on well in Ingary; it’s easy enough to focus on magic and get people to leave him alone. This is the life he always wanted, since he was a child. He imagines Megan is doing well with her family in Wales now that she doesn’t have to put up with him anymore. He doesn’t think about young Megan, still with a spark in her eyes, reading him fairy tales and indulging him when he asks hundreds of questions and asking him in a hushed voice, like they were sharing a secret, what he would do if he ever found out magic was real.
He almost misses her hounding sometimes, when he spends hours in the shower, trying out makeup and bespelling hair dyes he brings from Wales. But it’s better for both of them this way. He doesn’t actually want to be around her all the time, having her relentlessly criticize him or worse, ask questions about what he is up to now. It’s easier to put off visiting her as much as possible. And he knows she doesn’t want him causing problems and disrupting her respectable life. He still visits, of course, but allows it to grow less frequent over time. It’s best not to disturb the routine too often. Even if Mari, after she has grown up a little, clings to him every time he visits and tells him to stay longer and she’s harder to ignore than Megan. (It’s a good thing she was born after he left to live in Ingary, because he doesn’t know if she would have forgiven him if she was there when he walked out on them. He doesn’t think Megan did.)
Even if, when brainstorming the moving castle with Calcifer late at night, Wales is the first location he decides on.