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“Do you remember when you poured your drink all over that girl?” Nam-gyu mentioned in a whisper, cautious to bring attention to them in the room of 200 sleeping bodies. Thanos snickered in response, covering his mouth to muffle the sound. Nam-gyu continued, turning his head towards Thanos with a sentimental grin “dude she was so mad”
The room was dim, the only source of light being from the golden piggy bank and markings on the floor from the votes. Under this light, Nam-gyu looked especially good. At least in Thanos’ opinion. The yellow highlighted only a fraction of his face, making his facial features more subtle. The shadows on his face hid half of his face and provoked Thanos to stare to make out what was obscured, but he deterred his gaze to prevent Nam-gyu feeling uncomfortable.
The two were sat on a bunk on the highest level, making themselves feel superior to everybody else as they had a better view, able to spot and judge every small movement. Their backs were leaned against the wall, which made them have to sit very still to avoid falling off and brought a small sense of unease. But, with their knees and elbows touching like this, it was overshadowed by feeling secure in each other's presence.
They sat there reminiscing, their conversation couldn’t help but lead to what life was like before they got here. Unable to sleep from being scared, even if they wouldn’t admit it to seem cool but also since it was kind of an unspoken harmony, how could you not be scared in this situation?
Thanos had his legs propped up with his elbows resting on his knees and Nam-gyu sat to his right, his legs crossed with his hands in his lap, sometimes fidgeting with his rings.
Thanos adored being this close to him, he reasoned to himself that it was because having a similar face in such a foreign environment prevents him from being overwhelmed. Being next to someone who knows so much about him in general, no matter the situation, brought comfort as he didn’t need to explain himself. They knew what he meant, and they had to enjoy him to willingly sit next to him like this.
Thanos thought for a moment how crazy it was that the man who ruined his life was sleeping in that room, resting peacefully. But even then, he wasn’t so determined to get revenge at the moment, choosing to sit here with Nam-gyu instead.
He knew that his feelings for Nam-gyu were unusual, weird. He kept it bottled up, though. Afraid that it was one-sided, but even more just wanting to keep their friendship as is, comfortable in the way it stayed stagnant no matter the circumstances. He dreaded change as this, the way they felt completely at ease around each other, was the only consistent thing in his life for a while.
Nam-gyu had never seen him at his highest, only bad and worse. The best stage Nam-gyu witnessed was when he’d club often, he was incredibly impulsive and immature. Sure he could’ve been fun to be around but there was a reason why he indulged in substances so often, but yet again, he feels like Nam-gyu silently understood that. It came from a feeling of unfulfillment and loneliness, which Nam-gyu helped manage when he’d go out of his way to be around Thanos. Then, when he got worse, Nam-gyu fell with him, going into debt from some stupid cryptocurrency.
Even as Nam-gyu has only ever seen him unsatisfied, needing more, at this moment, he probably felt the most fulfilled he ever has. Sure if he had to choose to be anywhere else, he’d choose to be home, even if he insists that he loves being here, but that wasn’t an option. Out of everything he could be doing right now, this was the best choice; sitting next to someone who understood him, not needing context. He’s comfortable just now, even if he’s on the brink of death, either from falling off the bunk, other players killing him or dying in whatever game he plays next. Completely living upon a base of unease, it was overshadowed by that loving sinking feeling in his heart, his breaths slower than usual.
Thanos finally said something. Usually he was the talker in conversations but he was bad at expressing his emotions. Sure, he’d compliment anybody, but it was hard to articulate what he was thinking in a genuine tone.
“I’m glad I’m here with you” he admitted with a small smile, he looked at Nam-gyu with fond eyes, who mirrored the sentiment. “I’d never wish what happened on you, of course, but it’s cool to have you here with me”
This conversation was extremely out of character for the two, the most serious conversation they’ve ever had by a long shot. While Thanos talking sincerely like this was new, Nam-gyu didn’t question it, understanding that it came from him speaking earnestly. His smile widened with passing glances that switched between Thanos’ eyes. “I get what you mean bro, and I agree”
The two just stared at each other in silence, Thanos sometimes glancing at Nam-gyu’s lips but he restrained the temptation. Afraid that it was one-sided, that every sign of a reciprocated love he saw from Nam-gyu was Thanos perceiving them that way out of hope. He thought he was delusional, but not in a bad way, just optimistic.
“I had to sell my dog because of it” Thanos looked down longingly, his whisper more monotone and soft than usual. He didn’t name what ‘it’ meant but Nam-gyu knew. The scam didn’t need to be said, both were haunted by it, it caused a small tension between the two, unspoken words. He looked at his nails to give him some form of stimulation “that asshole was so old, I was gonna lose her anyway. But I wish I was there, yknow?”
Nam-gyu kept his gaze, slowly nodding. Thanos appreciated the silent empathy, Nam-gyu knew exactly how to make him feel heard. He looked back at the other with a smile “but at least I had you, huh?”
Nam-gyu smiled in response with a small chuckle, he was flattered. He blushed a little bit, now realizing how much he cherished this friendship. How much he cherished Thanos in general. Even in his darkest times, Thanos was loud, smiling, impulsive, even in complete rage he’d express himself through jokes. Nam-gyu respected how unserious it was, and admittedly, he needed someone like that. Someone to balance out how constantly aware he was, constantly in thought, constantly second guessing his actions.
The way he could always return to Thanos and be met with open arms kept him encouraged. Always aware that someone was there to not judge him and laugh with him no matter the circumstances. He loved that it went the other way, too. That he knows that he could never in his life hate Thanos. Even if he killed him, he wouldn’t hold a grudge. Even if Thanos blamed him for something to get out of jail time, he wouldn’t hold it against him.
He’d never felt so loyal to someone, and he knew that this wasn’t a feeling he’d have for a friend. He knew that seeking Thanos’ touch, no matter how brief, wasn’t how you’d feel about a friend. He knew that craving his voice, no matter the subject, wasn’t how you’d feel about a friend.
He remembers when their friendship was simple. When they still had to hold barriers between each other in fear of being faced with judgement. What a hard time. Maybe they enable each other's bad behavior; substance abuse, impulsiveness, unsafe driving and just being mean to others. It probably came from wanting to impress the other, but also from not having even a grain of doubt that they’d never judge each other.
Thanos didn’t care if Nam-gyu laughed loudly at a joke or rolled his eyes, Thanos didn’t care if he’d sit through a boring show that Thanos showed him or if he would beg to turn on something else. Just as long as it was authentic, he liked Nam-gyu, the way he expressed himself and his small mannerisms, his thought process. It wasn’t what he did, but how he did it.
Nam-gyu didn’t know that though, he just thought that Thanos didn’t care. That he just went along with anything he’d do. But he admired that careless demeanor anyhow.
Nam-gyu stopped fidgeting with his rings and readjusting his legs to be bent up as well, matching the way Thanos was sitting. He made a conscious decision to lean his legs onto Thanos, physically showing affection.
Thanos got flustered at the intimacy, finally snapping his eyes away but only for a brief second as he looked back at Nam-gyu in response to the other resting his hand on Thanos’ thigh. It wasn’t an act out of lust, but it still made Thanos burn up anyways; his breathing and heartbeat gaining speed.
Nam-gyu physically engaged like that to connect with Thanos more. Still wearing a wide smile and engrossed in eye contact, he affirmed “it may sound bad, but I’m glad that we’re in this together” Thanos watched his adam’s apple bob with every word, attracted to how it showed Nam-gyu’s every movement, intentional or not.
Thanos knew what he meant and agreed. In an attempt to dissuade himself from kissing Nam-gyu, which was what he really wanted to do, he turned his head back at the floating Piggy Bank. It was a horrible disco ball; a sign of hope, yes, but a showcase of death.
“We’ll get out of here” Nam-gyu vowed, subtly and gently brushing his fingers up and down Thanos’ clothed leg. This made Thanos purse his lips, tensing from the touch. Nam-gyu softened his voice, asserting “and we’d be filthy rich”
Thanos laughed at the small adjustment in his tone, being less serious. Still hesitant to do anything more but seeking even more affection, he leaned his head onto Nam-gyu’s shoulder, who accepted it and rested his head against it.
Taking a risk, Thanos confessed “I love you, bro”
Nam-gyu, without hesitation, replied “I love you, too” and took his hand away from Thanos’ thigh, lightly grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. Thanos stroked small circles onto the skin of Nam-gyu’s hand with his thumb. Nam-gyu continued ensuring the future, his smile warm and hopeful “I can’t wait til we get out. It’ll be so fun” Thanos nodded against his shoulder.
Thanos would die the next day. And Nam-gyu took a role in it, contributing to the tension that led to the fight. For the first time ever, he blamed himself.