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There had been no reason to believe in superficiality. He hadn’t thought about it, nor had the chance or want to believe it. Maybe it all happened after he started to lose the sleep he could so rarely get. Being a first-responder had those kinds of responses, especially with all the trauma that could occur. But his situation was a personal endeavour, something he couldn’t have changed even by being there. All he had to do was send money. Help him.
Even if the world stopped for a moment, Mateo would still be able to see it move. His hair flowing wildly in the wind, it was always so much longer than his. He could never forget the pink that stood out so much more than it should. It only reminded him of unpleasant memories. It kept replaying like a hateful symphony in his mind afterwards.
Mateo still awoke that night. As much as he tried to block it all out from mind, it pursued further onto him, leaving the lingering taste of regret on Mateo’s tongue. He felt bitter and saddened. He had convinced him earlier that he had moved on, that it wouldn’t bother him no longer, but no matter how many lies he would tell himself there would be no way for him to get rid of that wretched death grip of guilt.
His heart pulsed, a beat he has heard too often; quick, loud, inconsistent, and maybe even a bit out of tune. He took hold of the covers and pushed them away from his hot body, it was overwhelmingly warm yet cold at the same time. In an instant, he took back the blanket and wrapped it around his skin. Mateo sniffed in his pitiful state.
The night felt even longer than before. He refused to move much, every fibre of his being chilled to the bone every time his skin made contact with the night, cold air. A warmer heat reached his head and grabbed ahold of his aching brain, every touch to his body had felt overbearing.
He left it at that. Shivering while feeling hot in the dark room, he had no other choice other than to wait for the morning dusk to fill his vision and remind him of the time he had spent wasting away. Pitifully, he had work to get to.
Mateo got out of bed begrudgingly, having regretted once again how he never found himself sleeping the past few days. Sitting awake wallowing himself in the guilt that had been following him ever closer after the funeral. There was no running away from it; he couldn’t get away.
The reflection of his dishevelled being taunted him in the morning. There were eye bags that plagued his soul and a haunting figure that stood behind him, whispering ghastly comments of sorrow. He almost found himself punching the mirror, hoping it’d stop. Yet time continues.
The moment he stepped into the fire station he was overwhelmed by everything. Nothing too overbearing but also too haunting, like there were whispering ghosts surrounding him. They would prey on him until the day he would finally lose it. Yell at them and send him insane.
Mateo’s ragged breaths echo in his ears. He hadn’t done much, a few exercises to start his day and wear his head to not think about the figure in the corner watching him with burnt eyes of amber. It’s the only thing he can discern about the figure.
It’s not until he almost drops a weight on his foot does he stop wearing himself out. The figure laughed and Mateo looked down shamefully. He shook his head and pressed his sweaty palms against his still ever burning face. Mateo shook his hands to stop himself from trembling.
Mateo carefully made his way down the steps to the kitchen to get a drink of water he desperately needed. To help alleviate his heart and lungs and to help cool down his burning body. He knew that if he was sick he should check, but Mateo couldn’t help but avoid checking his temperature. It wasn’t for a real particular reason, his body naturally rejected it.
Mateo rolled his eyes at nothing and closed the fridge door after drinking the ice-cold water. He settled in the comforting coldness of the water and closed his eyes for a brief moment. He released a deep breath and opened his eyes.
“You getting into yoga lately? What was that?” Marjan asked jokingly, her tone light and carefree as she patted Mateo’s shoulder. Mateo released a sigh and flashed her a gentle smile.
Mateo laughed lightly to not roughen his throat again, “Nah, I’ve been just on edge lately.” He responded truthfully. A vague statement but seeing the glassy eyes on him made Marjan not press him further on the topic.
Mateo gratefully accepted the way it ended and decided to sit down to alleviate the pain in his aching legs. Sitting silently, it gave Mateo the horrible chance to take in his mind, body and surroundings more. Fortunately, the comforting presence of Marjan beside him blocked that side of the noisy figures.
Every noise made in the fire station sounded twice as loud as it followed the tune of his beating heart resonating his mind to make the figures close on him further. Thinking they had the chance, Captain Strand entered the room allowing the room to become larger for Mateo to breathe again.
“What’s for lunch today everyone?” He asked with a genuine smile on his face as he rummaged through the fridge and cabinets. TK followed closely behind him and looked from behind him with anticipation.
“Well, if you stopped looking through the fridge like some starved animal then you’d notice the sandwiches Carlos left for us.” Marjan commented with a snicker. Mateo attempted a light laugh but felt his cheekbones ache from the act.
As Captain Strand bickered with his crewmates, Mateo felt his mind become lighter as if the corrupting effects of guilt were slowly being picked away as the room filled with laughter, conversation and the people he knew were kind, trusting and most certainly alive. It was like a wake-up call to his consciousness; to remind him of the present he lived in, to focus on what’s in front of him.
He kept a steady breath as he felt his lungs expand, welcoming the freshness of it all. Mateo took in his surroundings once more, a hopeful beat in his heart that the figures would be too afraid to consume him for the time being.
They cowered miraculously away and Mateo allowed himself to sink in the comforting warmth and presence of his coworkers. He had no idea why they dispelled them away, so quickly too, but he figured he’d find out some day.
Mateo willfully conversed and laughed freely, the aching in his heart and head gently subsided for the moment. That image of him in his head seemed to brighten, then a lingering sense of peace settled into his mind. It was comforting.
They stayed there conversing for as long as they could. For until the bells of the firehouse will ring, they will stay there enjoying each other’s company to the fullest.
It hadn’t been long. One minute they were eating their food, the next they were in the firetruck heading towards a building that had caught on fire due to a car crashing and exploding into it.
The immense familiar air of smoke and raging fire burning passionately made Mateo more aware of the danger that laid ahead. Orders were made immediately by the captain and Mateo made good use of the time he was given.
“Mateo and Marjan go look for survivors; there was reported to be at least 4 individuals left inside the building.” Ordered Captain Strand, the two made no time hesitating and got to work, they grabbed their safety gear and made their way in through the back.
Marjan quickly looked around before she settled her eyes on a shaking person on the floor. “I’ll go get them, you go look for more upstairs.” She said, ensuring the affirmative nod from Mateo was made she looked towards him. He smiled gently and nodded.
Mateo rushed up the stairs that were luckily not broken and searched each room. “Call out if you can hear me! Austin FD, call out!” He shouted down the long corridors. He was about to head to the next floor before hearing the lightest of whimpering.
As quickly as he could, Mateo tried the door and opened it strongly, leaving it swinging wildly before stopping. He looked down and found a dog that had been burned slightly by the fire, “Hey buddy, is there anyone else here?” He asked towards the dog while gently comforting them.
The dog barked softly and ran towards the bathroom where an unconscious male laid still on the floor. Mateo, who hesitated for only a slight second, rushed towards them and checked the man’s pulse. Feeling it beat faintly, Mateo almost panicked. He rushed his hand towards the radio and spoke, “I found a young man unconscious on the bathroom floor with a very faint pulse, second floor.” Hearing the radio send it over, he awaited a response.
“Mateo, check for injuries. We’re sending you Paul with a backboard to help transport the person down.” Mateo heard Captain Strand say. Nodding to no one, Mateo turned the male over on his back and felt around for injuries.
“Some light burns and scratches… oh, there seems to be a head injury likely made from a blunt object.” Mateo reported. As he did, Paul came into the room with the backboard and laid it on the ground. They assisted each other to help the male onto the backboard and once that was settled, Mateo helped the dog down with the owner as well.
As Mateo walked up the second last floor, the fourth, he caught sight of the figure of a person. He stared down the flaming corridor and shouted for them to stop. “Captain, I’ve caught sight of a person running towards the top floor. Going after them now.” Mateo radioed before rushing down the corridor with plenty of obstacles that could trip him if he weren’t careful.
“Mateo? Mateo!” The calls of his name spoken from the Captain are the last thing he hears from the radio before he tunes every other sound besides the runner’s footsteps.
Reaching the top floor, like a rushing waterfall, the world blackens just as quickly. Mateo runs into an empty black void as soon as he thought he caught up to them. His feet stop in place as fear is instilled within him. It’s the moment when Mateo glanced ahead of him, he thought of himself as insane.
Mateo stood still. He had no intention of moving from the spot he will ingrain in the non-existent floor. It all seemed too familiar. How did those black figures catch up to him? He found it hard to breathe, he found it hard to even think properly. He just wanted to crawl up and cover his ears until they bled.
Mateo wanted to see him again.
Maybe that’d make it all go away. The pain, the guilt or maybe even his ability to feel sad ever again. Mateo widened his eyes when the pleas in his mind subsided and the floor seemed to reconnect back to him. It grew clearer into the floor he remembered chasing that figure on.
Mateo quietly stood up with a stumble, not knowing when he fell to the ground, and shook harshly as he moved his head upwards to face the figure standing a few metres ahead of him. He stared for who knows how long. The world stopped and it was silent.
There was no more fire, no more debris, no more walls that tightened the space, just a straight strip of floor that the both of them stood on. All Mateo did was stare, he couldn’t say anything, nothing at all. The empty void that surrounded them seemed to move as if it were an inky substance dripping in the endless void that he didn’t dare to look at.
The figure. Mateo could recognise it anywhere, that face, those eyes, and that hair especially. Alarmingly pink.
A sharp pulse in Mateo’s chest resonated within him and caused him to gasp in pain as he made his way to the ground. One knee on the floor, one hand on his chest, and two eyes facing towards the end goal. Mateo needed to reach him. If not then, when?
“Marvin…” Mateo called out pitifully, his voice raspy and quiet. The pain in his chest doesn’t subside and all he can do is struggle and watch with hazy eyes as the cousin he missed dearly stood unmoving in front of him.
Marvin stared at him with no expression. Mateo couldn’t discern the specific facial features of his face, everything seemed so blurry yet so clear at the same time.
Mateo gritted his teeth and heavily relied on his legs to carry his weight and lift him to his feet, as he stumbled further and further towards the light. The light that took the shape of his cousin, his brother, Marvin. He desperately needed to take a hold of and grasp onto that light.
Gloved hands to a cold back, oil-stained hands to a burned back. Mateo didn’t want to let go, Marvin had to let go. Lost ones reunited, their arms entangled with one another, for they will cry, laugh and stay for as long as they can.
Mateo doesn’t believe in ghosts. He’ll keep saying it until it’s true, but until then all he can do is hug a memory shrouded with guilt and pain and cling to it just to remember the person in the frames of his mind.
Reality became cruel.
-
Owen made his way up the staircases hastily, he had no time to waste. Thinking back to the male Mateo had gotten, if there were an armed criminal in the building and Mateo had rushed after it alone he didn’t want to imagine what would happen.
“Please be safe..” Owen whispered.
“Don’t worry Cap, we will get him safe and sound.” The voice behind him spoke up quite confidently that masked his worry. Owen nodded hesitantly.
Following the Captain closely behind was Carlos, Judd and two other police officers. After hearing of a likely running suspect on the scene, the police were called quickly. The fire had dimmed down but the building was likely to collapse due to the damage of the fire and the car itself exploding too.
They called out for Mateo as soon as they reached the fifth floor, looking around carefully for him amongst the debris and small fires. As they reached half-way down the corridor, they found Mateo sprawled out on the floor half-way into an apartment.
“Search the room quickly.” Carlos ordered the other two officers as he glanced around lightly then to the ground where Mateo was being put onto a backboard while being searched for any other injuries besides the obvious burns.
As Mateo began being taken away, Carlos took one last glance after the two officers left the room to report there was nothing suspicious, and found himself drawn to the stable lit pink candles on the ground beside where Mateo had laid. He took a quick mental note of it and rushed out with the two.
-
Mateo awoke from the darkness. He was about to be placed onto the gurney but then all action stopped when he whacked a hand away from him. He looked around hastily, glancing over the shocked and worried glances of his teammates, then looked down at his hands.
The no longer gloved hands displayed his calloused, pink, and burned hands. He felt another sharp pain in his chest then the dark figures emerged from the shadows. He looked past them, and found in the crowd the light.
Mateo’s eyes followed the light and his eyes widened with insanity. He didn’t want to believe it again but something was calling him desperately, they needed his help.
He brought his hands up to his hair and lightly pulled at it as he leaned down in his sitting position as light tears finally spilled out of him. There was no use making sense of the sensations around him.
-
Believe it…
Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.Believe it.
Believe in the light.
-
‘Even if the world stopped, I’d still hold on to you. Do you remember my face, Mateo? The words I told you that day too. Do you remember?’
Mateo laughed lightly.
‘Mateo. Won’t you…”
Mateo smiled.
‘Won’t you believe in the light?’
-
Mateo recovered from the burns he suffered quickly. Even if... Though his mind hadn’t recovered he never dared say a word to his teammates. He brushed it off with “an overstimulation of emotions” and they gave a reluctant nod in return.
Mateo doesn’t dare to say a word. Mateo will never say a word of the oil. Not a word of the figures. Not a word of the light. Not a word of the grotesque figure of Marvin standing in the corner of his hospital room, watching over him with burns that disfigured him, with guts spilling out of his abdomen, and blood that made sure to drown him.
Not a word of the pink.