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He’s 6 when he gets his first crush on a girl. She sits at the table across from his in class and rides the same bus home as him. He picks her flowers at recess, he shares his scant lunch with her when her mom forgets to pack one, he defends her against the second-grade bullies, and he’s totally, fully, irrevocably in love with her.
Subsequently, he’s 6 when he gets his heart broken for the first time. Little Penny Nguyen kissed Jared Locke on the cheek one spring afternoon and tiny Tim Bradford vowed to himself to never fall in love again.
That worked well and true until he was about 12 or 13 and rising in the ranks on his baseball team.
His dad coached for three miserable days, and in those three days, he watched his father eye his teammate’s moms and treat them with an unfathomable amount of disrespect. Tim promised himself if he ever fell in love again, he’d treat his girl like a princess; like she was the most incredible person in the world and he was lucky to be in her sights.
He made himself that second promise and almost immediately spotted the prettiest dark-haired girl he’d ever laid eyes on. Bellamy Roberts, age 14, so out of his league, and yet, returning his gaze? Blushing when he kept staring at her? Giggling when his teammate threw their mitt at him to get his attention?
Tim Bradford was in love again.
His first kiss– Bellamy, happened behind the dugout after a late Friday night win. He’d hit a home run and gotten the girl all in one night.
They “ended” things the following school year when she went off to high school and he was still in middle. It was a perfect whirlwind first romance for a young boy. Absolutely perfect.
Tim was finicky his freshman year. Puberty had just started to make its presence known. Things at home weren't great and he was old enough to see the wear it was creating on his mom’s face. He saw how his dad’s drinking, his infidelity, his abuse, pushed his mom away from him, away from the family. He saw how miserable she was, how much he needed to take care of her since his father clearly couldn’t.
So he made excuses to his friends when they all started getting girlfriends.
I’m dedicated to the team, he’d repeat at the start of every new sports season. I’m failing math, I need to study, he’d protest when his friends begged him to go out on group dates. I’ve got to look out for my mom and sister, he admitted in response to his friends' nags that he didn’t have a girl in his life like the rest of them.
The locker room talk didn’t get any easier as he got older. In his junior year, he finally gave in to the peer pressure and found a nice girl to spend time with. He wasn’t dating for love, he wasn’t even dating for sex. He was dating because she was sweet, and he was lonely after Genny declared she could take care of herself after their mom moved out.
Theresa Diaz… As sweet as she was, she was an uncontrollable fire Tim was unable and unwilling to contain. She was in the marching band, incredibly studious, and culturally catholic in the way her parents were strictly religious and she gave Tim blow jobs in the back of his dad’s truck, promising to repent her sins with a twinkle in her eye that showed no intent in stopping any time soon.
She was older, graduated, and off to college before Tim could break up with her, finding help with homework and help with the boner that seemed to be ever-present in his pants wasn’t the kind of relationship he wanted to have with a woman.
Tim wanted that all-consuming, romantic love that seemed so fulfilling in the books he tried to read and the movies and TV shows he was able to watch. He wanted a partner, a woman he could talk to, make love to, and spend time doing things together that they both liked to do.
He went on a few first and second dates his senior year but found the whole thing dissatisfying. He wasn’t going to find love at his high school, so what was the point of trying?
After graduation, he said a heartfelt goodbye to his sister Genny then enlisted in the army.
Bootcamp took all his energy and focus. The mental and physical demands didn’t leave much room to pursue other interests. He found solace in the company of his hand, giving in to the need to release while resisting the temptations around him. The other boys were too rowdy and unserious, disrespectful, and demeaning, for him to want to discuss his romantic past with them. Somehow, he made it through basic training without anyone ever finding out he’d never rounded home plate before, other than in the literal sense.
Then he met Dana off base while attending one of Genny’s high school sports meets. She was the older sister of one of Genny’s friends, four years older than him explaining why they’d never met before. She was a serious professional with a passion for her work and a spark for life. Tim was pulled in fully and richly by her dark brown eyes and deep, warm skin tone. She was her own woman, and Tim fell to her feet with her name as a prayer gasping from his lips.
She taught him about love and sex, and how to give a woman what she needs inside and outside the bedroom. She showed him fire and passion, fighting with him just as much as she made love to him. Dana had him wrapped around her finger and there was no place he’d rather have been. He’d have traveled oceans just to get back to her.
And that’s exactly what he did– or at least, he gave it the good ole college try (which was ironic considering he’d never given college the good ole college try). He got shipped off for his first tour not long after they were serious about each other, almost an entire calendar year's worth of dates. He was freshly 20, still unable to drink a beer after shooting a dozen men on the front line, but he was all in on Dana and she loved him back just as much.
They passed sappy, long, descriptive love letters back and forth for another year before the ills of war tore Tim down to his most basic instincts. He could hardly remember who he was when he was with Dana. The Tim who was in love felt so out of reach from the Tim who was in war, with himself, with his squad, with his country, with his past…
He let her go, unable to bear the crushing weight of fear, of holding her back in life, of meaning more to him than he meant to her… He unattached himself from love, reminding himself of the little 6-year-old’s promise to himself.
Bradford men just weren’t suited for love.
For the remainder of his time in the military, he resigned himself to short flings. Addison, the aide worker, Kate, the war correspondent, Erika, the corporal from another unit…
Then his second deployment was over and he found himself sitting in a police academy classroom next to someone who shared his defeatist sense of humor, someone who challenged him, someone who clearly grew up with brothers.
At first he found a friend. A best friend that very quickly blossomed into love. And finally, it was a love that would last.
He married Isabel shortly after they finished their rookie year.
She was the first partner he’d ever lived with, and as far as he knew, she’d be his last. They talked about everything together in the moments they weren’t fighting for sleep or fighting with each other. He took care of her when she was sick, he pampered her when she was well, he remembered his lessons from Dana and attempted to fulfill every need she could ever have and then some. He prided himself on the fact that he was a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good man.
They were in love.
Then slowly, right before his eyes, it all began to crumble.
They were hardly even roommates anymore once she made detective and started getting pulled for undercover work. He compensated for the loss by becoming a training officer, though it took him longer without his college degree. So in the time he worried about his wife coming home from work in a casket, he studied his ass off and poured himself into his job. Kids seemed like a blurry, far-away image, making him lose hope for the future he dreamed of. He sent away rookie after rookie, scaring them off with his harsh demeanor and uncompromising adherence to the rules, something steady he found himself always able to rely on in the midst of a slowly breaking heart.
Baseball, football, his mom and sister, his country, his job… those things would always be there for him. But his love? She’d come and go like a ghost haunting his greatest desire.
Isabel started lying, making up excuses, avoiding him, avoiding home— he thought she was stepping out on him. Had found someone better, more worthy to spend her time with. It was only when the hook was in too deep that he realized it was the drugs, the other man her drug dealer.
The IA investigation was a nightmare. But like the good husband he was, Tim covered for his wife. He lied and told them everything was fine at home, no issues that raised any flags of any color. They didn't charge her, didn't try to turn the tables on her, they just fired her quietly, like she was a used gum wrapper and the gum had lost all its flavor and consistency and needed to be thrown away.
Then she vanished for good one night. She left her house, her job, herself, and she left Tim. Without a word, without a clue, without seeing how much it broke and shattered the fragile heart of Timothy Bradford who was understandably desperate to love and to be loved…
It wasn’t until Lucy pushed him toward Rachel that he opened himself up again and no longer could his floodgates hold back the rush of love built up from years of stagnation.
He always fell fast and fell hard and when he did fall, he was committed, unwilling to break a promise or to turn into a man like his father. He fell in love deeply and forever. He considered moving to New York for love… Until he realized what he felt for Rachel wasn’t quite love.
At least, not the love he longed for as a child. Not the love he needed as an adult.
He didn’t try again until Ashley. She was… a happy… accident. Unwilling to admit to himself that Lu– That dating a subordinate was something he was able to compromise, he turned his head away from work– well, as much as dating your co-worker’s daughter is turning one’s head away from work… Ashley reminded him a lot of Isabel, but she was so different from her in so many ways. Ashley was magic for the season of his life which crossed over with hers. And predictably, he held on too long, and that damned gopher or whatever didn’t pop his head out to predict a few more weeks of winter.
It was spring and Tim Bradford was single once more.
And in love enough to be willing to take a risk.
To take the biggest leap of faith he could imagine.
To start something real with Lucy.
To let his heart do the talking and open himself up to his greatest love of all.
Maybe he could prove to himself that Bradford men were more than worthy of love- that they were deserving of a love returned tenfold.