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Their father was waiting for them as they got off the train.

"Fuck," said Sirius at the sight of him. He turned to James who was hovering behind his shoulder.

"No letters this summer, mate. I have a feeling mum has already killed my owl." He smiled as he said it. James' eyes flicked between Orion and Sirius. He squeezed Sirius' shoulder

"Keep safe mate. Remember you can always pitch up at my place. Just get the Knight Bus." He smiled at Sirius.

"Thanks mate," Sirius said. He looked around. The Potter's were waiting for James, waving from a distance. Peter had shuffled over to his family.

"Remus?" Sirius asked. James shrugged.

"Sorry mate, he already left. I think he's still angry after, y'know, everything."

'everything' was a polite way of describing the nuclear level fallout that had occured after Sirius tricked Severus into entering the Whomping Willow. Remus hadn't looked his way once the rest of the year. It seems he was going to continue the silent treatment into the summer.

Sirius tried not to let it sting.

"Guess I'll see him on the first of September then," he said lightly.

"Sirius," said a polished voice. It was Regulus, already changed out of his robes and looking identical to his father. 

"I know, I'm coming," Sirius said. He squeezed James' shoulder. "I'll see you back here, then."

"I've always enjoyed buses more than trains," James winked. Sirius laughed.

"See you later then, mate," Sirius said, "Remember, no owls!"

James grabbed his trunk and headed off to his parents. Sirius turned to face the music. Time to go home.

At least he had managed to change our of his robes before everything went tits up. He changed into some Muggle clothes, blue denim flares, white shirt, black jacket, just to piss off his mum that bit more. It definitely worked.

"You are a disgrace," she hissed at him when the front door closed behind them.

Sirius said nothing. No point talking back. He stared at the mirror in the hallway. There was a crack in the corner no one had noticed yet.

Walburga was still ranting. Honestly, Sirius didn't hear much of it. Something about pureblood values and the responsibilities of the heir.

"At least it was the Snape boy and not someone more important, but to one of your brother's housemates, it's bad enough you failed to get into Slytherin."

Ah, she was already onto the failure part of the rant. Hopefully she'd be done soon and Sirius could slink off upstairs, plan his escape to the Potter's as soon as possible. Walburga was still speaking.

"Enough is enough," Walburga said, "We have waited over the years to see some improvement in your behaviour, an indication you were moving in the right direction. But clearly the opposite is true. You are becoming more deviant by the day. You are no longer part of this family."

Sirius laughed, "What? I wish I wasn't part of this family, it would be so much easier," he said.

"Very well," said Walburga, "Expelliarmus."

Sirius' wand flew threw the air and into her hand. 

"Hey!" She strode into the parlour and Sirius followed. "Give me back my wand!"

Walburga brandished her wand at the family tapestry. Sirius' name disappeared into a scorch of black. He shuddered a breath. He'd felt that one. The wards of the house no longer recognized him as heir. He was a guest in this house. Vaguely, he thought it should feel more oppressive than this. *You haven't been welcome for years* whispered a voice in his head. Fair enough. Now wasn't the time to worry about that.

"Wand. Now." Sirius said, voice low and angry. Walburga laughed.

"Disinherited for less than a minute and he has already forgotten his manners!" she said. She held his wand in between her hands.

"This is not your wand, Sirius," she said, "This was the wand of my eldest son, the heir to our great house. And he is dead."

She snapped his wand in half.

If the disinheritance had felt like a punch then this was a bullet. Sirius cried out before he could stop himself. He was on his knees, when had he ended up on his knees? Walburga kept breaking the wand, horrible snapping sounds. Sirius couldn't look up. He looked out the door instead.

Regulus was standing there, watching him, his eyes wet. He looked like he had just watched Sirius die. In some ways, Sirius guess he had.

He pushed himself to stand and stumbled into the hallway past Regulus.

"Bye, Reggie," he said, and ran out the door. He could hear his mother screaming behind him.

He kept running until he couldn't run any further, his lungs choked and painful. He stopped, pressing his hands into his knees and tried to breathe. Tears fell to the floor. How strange. He didn't know why he was crying.

Remus Lupin heaved his trunk over to the luggage carriage. The first of September had arrived with all the aplomb and excitement it deserved, and Remus was relieved to be going back to school.

His summer had been quiet, which was usual, but it had been more boring than expected. He had received letters from James and Peter, had even met up with Peter once over the summer months, but the rest of the time had been empty days of reading and staring into space.

Sirius hadn't written even once. Remus tried not to feel bad about it. The Black heir was not known for his humility, and Remus knew he didn't feel guilty for what he had done to Severus. But he should have felt guilty about what he had done to Remus. 

Remus walked down the length of the train, looking for a free compartment. He always tended to be the first one to arrive, taking his time to choose a good place to hunker down for the journey. His friends would find him eventually.

James had tried to talk to him about Sirius, and Remus had sent a Howler in response. Peter hadn't even tried, thank Merlin. So the summer had been blissfully free of Sirius Black. No wonder Remus felt so anxious now.

He found a good compartment and settled in, he sat facing the direction of travel and took out a book to pass the time. He fiddled with his new prefect badge, pinned to his jumper, before pulling it off again and shoving it in his pocket. He didn't want to think about that yet. 

"Hiya Remus," Peter had arrived, a nice new rucksack hanging off his shoulder. He grinned and threw it up above the seats. "Have a good summer?"

"Lovely, thanks," Remus said automatically, "You?"

"Did I tell you we went to the Cotswolds?" Peter said, and launched into a story about the beauty of the place. Remus half listened, a finger keeping his place in his book. The train started to slowly fill up with students chattering, but none came into their compartment. He checked his watch as Peter waxed lyrical about the quaint Muggle market towns. It was nearly nearly eleven o'clock.

James barrelled through the door at 10:59 breathing heavily.

"Nearly missed her!" he said. 

"The train?" Remus asked.

"No, Lily Evans," James said as he collapsed onto the seat. "I wanted to start this year off on a better foot so was waiting to help her get her stuff into the train."

"How chivalrous," said Peter.

"I am the epitome of chivalry," said James grandly.

Remus smiled as James and Peter chattered. The train started gathering speed, the landscape of London smudging into a grey brown blur. Sirius still hadn't arrived.

"Was Sirius with you?" Remus asked.

"No, haven't seen him yet," James said, "He's probably found some girl to flirt with."

"We won't see him till Hogsmeade if that's the case," Peter said with a smile.

"Too true!" James laughed. Remus smiled stiffly and opened his book.

The journey passed as it always did, with little deviation. The trolley went passed and the closer they got to Hogwarts the more Remus relaxed. Sirius was clearly avoiding him, making himself scarce, and it made Remus feel important. It took a lot to get any sort of real reaction out of Sirius Black. Avoidance was a strong reaction. He bit into a liquorice wand and listened to James and Peter debating the upcoming Quidditch transfer window.

It was approaching dusk by the time the Hogwarts Express steamed into Hogsmeade. The three of them jumped off the train onto the platform.

"Can you see him?" said Peter, craning his neck to try and look over the crowds without much success.

"You go on, Peter," James said, "Grab us some good seats. We'll have a look for Sirius and meet you up at the castle."

"Sure thing," Peter nodded and headed up towards the carriages.

James and Remus stood at the edge of the platform and scanned the crowds of schoolchildren pouring off the train. No sign of Sirius. They watched as the flood soon turned to a trickle, the last students making their way off the train. They watched until the train sounded its horn and moved slowly away from the platform. Sirius had still not appeared.

"Did he not get on the train?" Remus asked.

James shook his head, "He would have told us if he was getting here another way, he wouldn't be able to keep that to himself."

Remus frowned.

"Let's head up towards the carriages, maybe we missed something."

James nodded and they started walking in tense silence. This wasn't like Sirius. He didn't just disappear.

They made their way up towards the gates of the school where the last few carriages were waiting to ferry the students up the hill. The light was dim.

"James, look," Remus said, and pointed over towards a group of three younger boys huddled together, Slytherins. Nott, Greengrass and Regulus Black were huddled together, discussing something.

"Regulus will have some answers," James said, "Come on."

James walked over to the small group. They were oblivious to his approach, looking down at something between them. 

"Hey!"

 James reached up and pulled Regulus around by his shoulder. The group flinched. One of the other Slytherin's already had his wand out.

"Watch it, Potter," he said.

"It's fine, Nott," Regulus said. "What do you want?"

"Where's your brother?" James asked. 

Regulus grimaced.

"I don't have a brother," he said stiffly.

"Don't give me that shit, Regulus," James said, "Where's Sirius?"

Regulus was stiff and silent, his mouth a thin line. Nott sniggered behind him.

"You heard him, Potter," Greengrass said, "He doesn't have a brother."

Remus didn't like the sound of that. 

"When did you last see Sirius, Regulus?" Remus said quietly. He was staring straight at Regulus, his posture relaxed but he knew his eyes would flash in the dim light.

Regulus wouldn't meet his eye. He sniffed. 

"Not for months," he said, "Not since mother snapped his wand."

A terrible silence stretched between them.

"She did what?" James' voice was a growl, barely human. Regulus took a step back.

"You head me. He's a blood traitor." Regulus said, his voice shaking slightly. 

"When did she do this?" James was snarling now, walking closer to Regulus. The three Slytherin boys moved closer together. Regulus pulled out his wand. Remus slid his out of his sleeve quietly and moved behind James.

"Our affairs are none of your business Potter" Regulus said. James moved quickly, pressing himself close to the younger boy, hiding the fact he was digging his wand into Regulus' ribs. Regulus whimpered slightly.

"Do you want to rephrase your answer, Reggie?" James said softly, "When did she kick Sirius out?"

"First day of the summer holidays," Regulus said. He raised his chin in an attempt to look proud, but the twitch in his jaw gave the impression he was trying not to cry. James dug his wand in deeper. Regulus twitched bodily.

"That's enough, James." Remus nudged James' shoulder. "He won't know anything else."

James spun away from the Slytherin with a curse. He scrubbed his hand over his eyes. Remus stared at the younger boys.

"Leave. Now." he said. 

They didn't wait for him to finish speaking, immediately turning on their heels and sprinting towards the castle. It was dark now, Hogwarts visible in the distance, a shadow covered beacon promising warmth and good food. 

It was the one place they knew Sirius wasn't.

"He told me not to expect any letters this summer" James said quietly. "Told me she had already got rid of his owl. I didn't think, Merlin, fuck." 

He turned round violently and kicked the nearest tree, sinking to his knees and swearing under his breath.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." 

Remus nodded in the dark. He rubbed his hands against his trousers and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing would come out. He could see James perfectly in the darkness, a crouched figure amongst the leaf litter, rocking back and forth slightly. He walked over and stood next to him, pressing his leg against James' side, like how Sirius used to press up to him when he was Moony. 

Used to. Fuck. He was already thinking the worst.

"We'll find him," Remus said, nudging James with his leg, "We're going to go find him."

James stopped shaking and breathed heavily for a moment before pushing himself upright. He had got mud on his face. 

"He's not at Hogwarts," James said.

"I know," Remus said, "So that's one place we don't have to look." He looked back up at the castle twinkling invitingly. Peter would be waiting for them. He'd send him a letter from Hogsmeade. 

"Let's go get a drink," Remus said, "We'll work out the rest from there."

There turned out to be the Hogs Head. The two of them stumbled in and ordered a drink. The barkeep eyed them beadily but said nothing when he pushed two pints over to them.

James was still swearing under his breath.

"Fuck. Remus, fuck." he muttered.

"Just have a drink, James," Remus said. They weren't going to get anywhere while James was panicking. He needed to be focused for this. Remus stared at the peeling wall. There was a spider web in the corner so old it had collected masses of dust. He took a gulp of his pint. 

"We need to find him, Remus," James said.

"We're not talking about this until you finish that drink, James," Remus steadily drunk his pint, not too fast but not savouring it by any stretch of the imagination. His mind was already far away. Sirius had disappeared, and who knows where he might be. A sick guilty feeling roiled in Remus' stomach. He drank more beer and tried to drown it.

James was making progress with his pint. He was shaking slightly, but did as Remus said and drank steadily. Remus watched in silence until he had drunk it all. James took a sigh and relaxed his shoulders. Finally.

Remus stood up and got two more pints, placing one in front of James.

"Now, we talk," he said. 

James stared at the pint and put his hand round it.

"Sirius didn't get on the train," he said.

"We have to assume as much," Remus said. "I think it's also fair to assume he hasn't been at the Black house all summer."

"The first day of summer, fuck," James scrubbed his hand across his face. He dropped his hand and looked at Remus.

"I told him to come to mine, Remus, if there was any trouble. Why didn't he reach out?"

Remus frowned, "I don't know," he said. He ran his finger through the wet ring on the table left behind by the pint glass. 

"What was the last thing you said to him?" Remus asked.

James frowned, trying to remember.

"I told him to get the Knight Bus to mine if there was any issues."

"Ah," Remus said. He took another drink. "Have you ever told Sirius exactly where your house is located?"

"What? Of course," James said, "He knows the Floo name and the Owl Post address, what more does he need?"

"His wand was snapped, James," Remus said tightly. "He wouldn't have been able to get the Knight Bus."

"Oh, shit," said James, eyes wide. "Why didn't he just Floo then?"

"Do you think his Mum would have let him use the Floo after breaking his wand?" Remus said. His voice was shaking a bit. He clenched his hand, trying not to imagine how Walburga had treated Sirius. 

"He would have headed out into Muggle London. Without his wand he wouldn't have been able to get into any Wizarding Spaces," Remus said.

"You're right," James said, "Merlin, even I wouldn't know how to find my house in the Muggle way. It's not like we have any of their roads nearby or anything."

Remus nodded tightly and drank some more. Thank fuck for alcohol. It was the only thing that was stopping him from losing his mind right now. The guilty little dark thing in his stomach had settled down, turning around and over and solidifying into a heavy determination.

"So, most likely he went into Muggle London. Where could he be? No wand, likely no money as well. Fucking hell, Remus, how are we going to find him?"

Remus nodded slowly. He already knew what they were going to do.

"We go to Muggle London, that's what we do."

Sirius Black was smart, a flirt and above all, adaptable. It hadn't taken him long to realise he was unlikely to be able to access any Wizarding spaces without his wand, let alone find an owl to send a letter with. He spent a couple of days wandering around Islington, before heading further into the city centre of London. Muggle London was a maze, full of loud cars and building works, people hurrying from place to place. It was easy to be invisible here, and easy enough to find the bed of a girl to crash with and get a shower.

Sirius closed the front door of last night's bedroom quietly, slipping down the stairs before the girl could wake. He had nicked some money from her purse, but he was far gone from any sense of guilt at that point. Stealing meant food after all.

He wandered a good forty minutes away before he stopped into a caf for some breakfast. Full English, cup of dark coffee, perfect. Sirius dug into the sausages with gusto.

"Slow down, darling, you'll choke if you're not careful," said the lady who had brought his plate over. She left some napkins next to his plate with a nice pat on his shoulder.

He smiled in thanks and picked one up. There was a leaflet underneath. *Single Men Homeless Project*, it read.

Sirius swallowed and took a sip of coffee, before looking round. The lady was busy on the other side of the caf, sorting orders for a group of labourers who had just come in. He looked back to the leaflet.

*Pimlico* it read. Sirius tucked it into his pocket and dug back into his meal, savouring every bite. Finally he sat back, satisfied.

" Enjoy that, darling?" asked the caf lady as she picked up his plate.

"Very much, thanks," Sirius said. "Can you tell me how to get to Pimlico?"

Muggle London was just as chaotic as Remus remembered. It was dirty and loud and Kings Cross Station was filled with pigeons. One nearly flew into his face.

They stood at the entrance to Kings Cross and St Pancras. It had been easier to get down to London than Remus had expected, apparently there were regular overnight trains from Hogsmeade to London delivering heavy goods. They had disillusioned themselves and snuck on board.

"Where to now?" James asked. Remus looked at him. James was staring out at the mass of people, a look of sheer confusion on his face. Remus didn't feel much better himself. He scanned the crowds and spotted a police officer.

"Let's try the Muggle Aurors first," he said. "Try not to say anything too Magical."

They walked over to the man wearing a black uniform with silver buttons and an unusual black hat.

"And they think wizards wear weird hats," muttered James under his breath. 

"Shush," said Remus. He smiled politely at the officer.

"Excuse me," he said, "I was wondering if you could help me. Our friend has gone missing."

"Go report it to the station office, they can put out an announcement," the officer said.

"No, he hasn't gone missing here," said Remus. "He went missing a couple of months ago. We only found out today."

The officer frowned at them.

"Is there a missing persons report filed?" He asked.

"We don't know," said James. The officer nodded.

"You can go check in the station, it's round the corner. You can file a report if it hasn't already been done. But you might have more luck in the back copies of the newspapers. There's a library that will have sections that report missing people and the like. Might have some names for homeless shelters as well."

Remus couldn't speak. James nodded.

"Thank you, er, sir," he said, and pulled Remus away into the crowd.

"Are you ok?" he asked. Remus swallowed tightly.

"Not really," he said, a bit too honestly. "But I don't want to think about it. Let's keep going."

James nodded.

The police station was only a short walk away and filled with more men and the occasional woman. The man at the desk was disinterested and unhelpful, but he did at least tell them there had been no missing people reports filed for Sirius Black.

"That's a name and a half, ain't it?" The officer said. Remus wanted to punch him.

"Do you have a photo of him?" James was about to say yes when Remus stepped hard on his foot.

"No, sorry. But he's about 5"9', shoulder length black hair. Probably wearing blue denim flares, white shirt, and a black jacket."

James waited to explode until they left.

"I have a photo right here!" He pulled it out and brandished it at Remus. It was from last year, before everything went bad. They were gathered in front of one of the oaks by the Lake, smiling and waving at the camera. Remus rubbed between his eyebrows. He was getting a headache.

"Muggle photos don't move, James," he said. "Are you a fucking idiot? Why am I the one who has to keep reminding you of these things?"

"Fuck off Remus, I'm focused on finding Sirius, not on practical application of the Muggle Studies syllabus"

"And if you break the Statue we'll never find Sirius, will we?" Remus shouted. He was taller than James, and now, in his full anger it was very obvious. But James was stronger.

"Calm down Remus!" James said, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him a bit. "If you want to punch me, go ahead, but maybe not in front of the Muggle Auror station, alright?" He pushed Remus again, trying to shock some sense into him.

"Fucking hell," Remus pulled himself away from James and started walking down the street. His eyes felt hot and itchy. He could hear James behind him, following him silently.

He kept walking, taking random turns, pulling them deeper into Muggle London. He had no idea where they were, no idea how to get to Diagon Alley from here. He felt the reassuring warm wood of his wand in his pocket. Sirius didn't have a wand any more. He had barely stepped into Muggle London until Remus had started meeting him at the Leaky and dragging him out to Muggle bookshops and cinemas. They had giggled round Covent Garden, quoting Young Frankenstein at each other. Remus had shown him how to use the Tube.

Small mercies, Remus thought. At least he would know a little bit in the city. But where was he staying? Two months stretched between him and Sirius, two months of summer heat when Remus had been bored out of his mind and took stubborn to reach out. And now Sirius was lost, in time and in space. Now the two of them were trying to follow footsteps that were getting fainter with every second.

He'd brought them down to the river. Remus crossed the road without looking, ignoring the taxi that blared its horn at him. He stared out over the brown water of the Thames towards Waterloo.

"Remus!" James jogged up behind him. "You ok, mate?"

Remus closed his eyes and turned to James.

"Sorry mate," he said gruffly. He didn't have any words, didn't know where to turn. James looked at him sympathetically.

"If you wanna talk, just let me know yeah?" James said. He waited until Remus nodded mutely. "Good. Let's just look for a library now, yeah?"

James led them along the river for a while. They ended up following a lot of the tourists, walking past the Muggle Parliament Buildings and Buckingham Palace. Remus answered James questions about Muggle politics and royalty, but didn't push the conversation. James didn't press him to talk, instead letting him walk in silence for the most part.

They wandered through Belgravia and Pimlico. Remus was exhausted by now. He was barely looking where he was going. James suddenly spoke.

"Remus, a library," he said. Remus looked up. James was right. The building stood opposite the Tube Station, a small sign proclaiming it open. They went in. Remus went up to the desk.

"Do you have back copies of newspapers?" he asked the lady at the desk. She directed him to the right section.

"Follow me," Remus told James. They made their way through the isles to the microfiche and newspaper section.

"You look through the papers," Remus said to James. "I'll look on here," he pointed to the microfiche machine. He could see the question in James' eyes but he ignored him.

They sat down and got to work. James flicked through the newspapers and Remus the machine until their eyes started blurring. Remus focused in, reading pages and pages of Muggle politics, complaints about road services, entertainment news. Nothing about Sirius anywhere. 

By the time he looked up, hours had passed. James had fallen asleep, his arms pillowing his head on top of an open newspaper. Remus blinked as a cup of tea was placed beside him. He looked up at the lady from the front desk.

"You looked like you could do with this," she said. "Want to tell me what you're looking for? I might be able to help."

He picked up the mug and took a sip. Milky and full of sugar. He realised it was the first thing he had had all day. He took a long drink. His hands were cold. The lady watched him softly.

Before he knew it, he was telling her about Sirius. About how he got kicked out, when he had gone missing, everything he could tell her. She listened without saying anything. At some point, James had woken up. He was watching them both with wary eyes. Remus finally stopped talking. The lady nodded thoughtfully 

"I have an idea of where you can look," she said. "One second."

She stood up and left. James looked at Remus. Remus held out the mug to him. James shook his head.

"She gave me a biscuit," he said, "Earlier when you were deep in your weird box thing."

Remus laughed softly and drank the rest of the tea. 

"Here you go." The lady had returned with a few different leaflets.

"These are local homeless charities, specialising in young men. You can give them a call using our phone if you like."

"That would be great, thanks," Remus said.

"Even if they haven't seen your friend they'll be able to point you to others who might have seen them. It's a tight community." She smiled again.

"Thanks for your help," James piped up.

"I hope you find him," she said. "Let me know if you need anything else."

The guy in the room next door sung badly when he was drunk. Not that Sirius could complain. It wasn't even his room he was staying in.

He stretched out on the floor, trying to get comfortable. Each day it got worse. He missed cushioning charms more than he could ever imagine.

The room was small and Spartan. It belonged to a guy called David. They weren't meant to be, the whole point of this shelter was that you got your own room, but David had been the only one in when Sirius had turned up. 

He'd taken one look at Sirius and told him he could crash with him for a while. It was working out, for now. David was a nice guy, and he was a similar size to Sirius. He didn't mind sharing clothes so long as Sirius got them some food and cigarettes each day.

The shock of leaving Grimmauld Place was finally starting to wear off. The first couple of days, Sirius had slept like the dead, but now he couldn't get himself to turn off. He wandered the streets during the day, lingering in pubs and coffee shops as long as possible. He found a couple of record stores and libraries who didn't care how long you sat there so long as you didn't cause trouble.

Thoughts were starting to leak into Sirius' everyday, and that was a problem. So long as he didn't think, he could keep going. So long as he kept going, he would survive. Thoughts did not help right now. He didn't think about James or Peter, or how he would get to Hogwarts. He didn't think about his wand, broken beyond repair.

But he couldn't help and think about Remus. It wasn't intentional, really, it was just flashes of moments. Remus was the only person he had ever seen in Muggle London, the only one who knew how to navigate the place. More often than not Sirius would think to himself, *What would Remus do here?*, and he would do that. It seemed to be working so far. 

It worked up until Sirius lay on David's floor at the end of the day, when suddenly he had no idea what Remus would do. Then he was left with what Sirius would do, and that always ended badly.

"Here you go, mate," David came through the door and chucked a plastic bag on top of Sirius' stomach. He let out a groan.

"What is it?" Sirius said. He sat up and pulled open the bag. There were a pair of solid leather boots inside.

"Friend of mine was getting rid of them, so they're yours now. Too small for me."

"Great, thanks, these are amazing." Sirius was already pulling off his shoes and putting them on. They were worn but not cracked, proper leather and not badly taken care of.

"Come on, give me another packet of fags," David held his hand out.

"Here," said Sirius. He was very good at going unnoticed now. His professors would be shocked to hear it, but Sirius Black had learned how to be quiet.

"The room is going to be all yours soon, by the way," David said, "I've managed to get my hands on a ticket home."

"Home?" Sirius said

"Northern Ireland," said David, "Surely you know the accent?"

"I'm not good with accents," said Sirius.

"Clearly," said David with an eye roll. "Normally folk here hear the voice and tense up. You didn't even bat an eye when I opened the door. That's how I knew you were alright."

"Ah, right," Sirius said. Who would have guessed his total lack of understanding of Muggle people and places would work in his favour? "I'm glad of that, then."

"So yeah," David continued, "Room will be yours, then."

"Thanks mate, that means a lot," Sirius said.

"Don't mention it," David said, "you can come out and celebrate me leaving next week."

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius said. He lay back on the floor and listened to the sounds of David getting ready for bed. He was still awake long after David had fallen asleep.

"Sirius Black? Can't say I remember the name," said the young guy who came to the door when Remus and James knocked. 

They had phoned all the homeless shelters and had had no luck, until one  of them had mentioned a new initiative offering single rooms to young men. They didn't have a phone number but they had given an address, so Remus and James had headed over.

"He would be about my height, black hair," James said to the guy leaning in the doorway. 
"Last we saw him he was wearing blue jeans, white shirt, black jacket."

"Who are you looking for?" Another young guy had come to the door.

"Some guy called Sirius, black hair, remember him?" said the first.

"Ah, shit," said the second, wincing. 

"You know him?" Remus pressed forward. The guy winced.

"Not well," he said, "I had only met him that night"

"What night? What are you talking about?" James said. The guys face dropped.

"I'm really sorry mate - " he started to say. 

Remus' ears started ringing. He could see James talking to the guy. James face went white. He was talking more urgently now.

"Look, why don't you come in," the first guy said. "We'll get you a drink."

They were in a shitty living room, barely decorated. The lightbulb shone weakly, casting swinging shadows round the room. A lukewarm can of lager was pressed into Remus' hands. His ears were still ringing. James and the second guy were still talking.

"Bad batch," the second guy was saying, looking genuinely upset, "There was nothing anyone could do."

"Where did they take him?" James said. He looked like he was trying not to cry.

"To the hospital, but mate, he was already gone when the paramedics arrived."

"No," said Remus, "No, no, no."

"Remus," said James, his voice shook.

"No James, no, he's not gone" Remus stood up, turned to the second guy.

"He's not dead, Sirius isn't dead, don't lie to us." He pointed angrily at the guy.

"I'm sorry mate," he said. He had his hands out, beseeching, "There was nothing any of us could do."

"No!" Remus shouted, "You don't tell me he is dead! I know he's not dead."

"Remus, please," said James.

"What's going on in here?" A third guy had put his head round the door frame. 

"Friends of that guy who died," said the first guy.

"Friends of David?" said the new guy.

"Who's David?" asked James. The guy looked at him like he was mad.

"David was the guy staying here, died a month and a half ago. Bad batch, laced with some shit. A real shame."

Remus wiped his eyes, "It wasn't Sirius?"

"Who's Sirius?"

"That's who we're looking for, our friend," said James.

"Not David?"

"No." James said, shaking his head.

"Wait," said the first guy, "Is he the guy who was meant to take the room?"

The third guy nodded. "Yeah, Sirius," he said. "He was staying with David. Hush hush mind. Wasn't meant to be here. David had organised to transfer the room directly to him."

"So he's here," said Remus, "He's alive."

The third guy shook his head, "He was here the night David died," he said, "But I didn't see him again after that."

Stranraer was grey and industrial, a fishing village that had accidentally become a major transport and logistics port. Sirius walked down the street lined with low roofed whitewashed buildings. The town sat at the end of a sea loch, the ferries coming in and out from the Irish Sea. It was nothing like the Scotland Sirius had known from school.

He hadn't meant to take David's ticket. But he had watched his new friend's face to blue and before he knew it he had been back in David's room. He'd grabbed what little cash there was, and the cigarettes. The ticket had been lying in the bedside drawer, ready for use. David had already pack a back. Sirius hesitated for a moment before grabbing it as well.

"I'm sorry mate," he whispered, "I home you can forgive me wherever you are."

The train had left the next morning. Sirius had slept fitfully as it made its way up through England, all the way to the West Coast of Scotland. They had finally arrived in Stranraer, and Sirius had followed the other passengers as they disembarked and headed towards the large metal boat.

He had never seen anything like it. How did it float, it was made of metal? For the first time, Sirius wondered at Muggle construction. He shouldered David's bag more carefully and continued walking. He followed the other foot passengers through the terminal and over the footbridge onto the ferry.

The ships horn sounded as they cast off, and a recording played with safety warnings for all passengers. Sirius found a door to the outside and went to stand at the stern. He watched as the water boiled and the turbines started up. They made their way slowly out of the sea loch and onto the Irish Sea proper. 

Scotland faded into the distance behind him. Sirius had never traveled like this,. He had only ever travelled by Floo or Portkey, the occasional Apparition. This was entirely different. He thought it would be like the train, but it wasn't. The boat moved smoothly, cutting through the water and leaving white foam in its wake. Gulls cawed over head and the wind whipped around his head.

The air was full of salt. Sirius breathed in deeply. He let himself cry, then, where no one else would see. He faced out to the Irish Sea and grieved for his friend David, who had died unfairly far too young.

Remus and James were standing on a street corner when the owl from Peter arrived. James grabbed it and read it carefully.

"They've noticed we've not arrived, and the Professors are worried, but the students all think we're planning some massive prank," he said, reading from the letter. "Peter says we can send a letter back with his owl."

"Ask him for location spells," Remus said. He leaned his head back against the brick wall. His stomach rumbled.

"Location spells?"

"We should have started with them to begin with," Remus said, "But we were both too panicked, don't even deny it. Peter should be able to find some specific ones in the Library."

James nodded.

"Do you have a quill and ink?" he asked.

"Here," said Remus, and passed him a pen he had taken from the library. James admired it for a moment before scribbling a message on the back of Peter's letter.

"Make sure he gets this when he's alone, ok?" he asked the owl. The owl hooted and flew off. They watched it leave in silence.

"Let's go get some food," Remus said eventually.

They made their way into the nearest pub that looked clean enough to serve mediocre food and sat down. A plate of chips and two beers were soon in front of them. They ate and drank quietly. James looked over to Remus.

"I really thought he was dead for a minute," he said.

Remus ate a chip.

"So did I," he said, "But it didn't want to."

James nodded. Some men across the bar laughed loudly. 

"We have to find him," he said. "And soon.. We're still a month and a half behind him."

"The guy he was staying with died, James," Remus said. "Who knows where Sirius went to after that?"

"That's why Peter's going to find those spells for us," James said, "But for now let's eat up and find a place to stay tonight."

Remus nodded. He was too tired to argue. The stress of the situation was weighing on him. They needed to rest.

In the course of the ferry crossing, Sirius Black had realised a couple of things. Firstly, it wasn't as long to Northern Ireland as he assumed, just over two hours. Secondly, there appeared to be a war on.

He didn't know how he had missed it before, but he sat in the bar on the boat and chatted to some Scottish guys heading over for work. They started talking about The Troubles.

"Anything new that you've heard?" asked one to the other. He had a thin moustache that quivered when he talked.

"No much," said the second who was bald. "Apparently blanket protests have started in the Maze, but Belfast has been quiet since the peace rallies started in August, you know after that PIRA guy was shot in his car."

"Where was that again?" said moustache. He took a drink of his pint. 

"South Belfast, out towards Colin Glen."

The words rolled over Sirius. Protests, a Maze? Peace rallies? PIRA? It was a different language. Suddenly he realised he might be heading somewhere much more dangerous than where he had left.

He ordered another pint and stared into it. He could feel someone was watching him. He looked up.

A man was staring at him from across the bar. He was wearing normal clothes, with a close cropped haircut. Sirius rolled his eyes internally and raised his glass to him. The guy nodded and turned away. Thank fuck. Sirius turned back to his pint. He was going to want to have a bit of Dutch courage for arriving in Northern Ireland.

There were a few of families on the boat, late summer holidays returning home, and lots of truck drivers and intinerant workers. Sirius didn't stick out too much, really. He focused on his invisibility once again.

The man who had stared at him came up to the bar.

"You're English," he said to Sirius. Sirius took a drink before responding.

"What of it?" Sirius said.

"Why are you heading over to Belfast?"

"Why do you want to know?"

The man sighed and pulled out his wallet. He paid the bartender, then pulled out a small rectangle and put it in front of Sirius.

It was some sort of ID. It said BRITISH ARMY at the top in large letters and a photo of the man to the right hand side. The bottom left said his name was Rory Kerr.

"Why are you heading over to Belfast?" the man repeated.

"My friends from there," Sirius said.

"Where is your friend from?"

"Somewhere along the coast."

"Nothing more specific?" The soldier asked.

Sirius shook his head. His hand was shaking slightly. He gritted his teeth.

"I'm trying to find his family," he said, "He died last week."

The soldier looked him straight in the eye. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Wasn't your fault," Sirius muttered. "Just an accident."

Rory picked up his pint and took a drink. Sirius did the same.

"Good luck, then kid," he said, "Hope you find them."

Sirius nodded. Rory walked away. Sirius downed the rest of his pint and left the bar.

They arrived into Larne soon afterwards. Sirius was first off, already sick of the ship. Larne was just as depressing as Stranraer, the white and grey buildings drearily holding themselves up. Union Jacks fluttered in the street.

The way to the train station was pretty simple and surprisingly uneventful. An army truck drove passed full of soldiers but otherwise it seemed like any other town. Sirius waited for the red coloured train to draw into the station and bought a ticket for Belfast.

It was a short journey around the edge of Belfast Lough. The city was small, red bricked terraced housing and a couple of large motorways. It was a surprisingly flat city after London, no skyscrapers or glass buildings. Warnings about what do in case of bombs or suspicious packages were placed. It was a beautiful day. Sun shone out across the water. Sirius saw a cormorant dive into the water.

The train arrived into Belfast Central, a brand new station, shiny and clean. Sirius got off the train and made his way into the terminus. There was a small shop that he ducked into to get a soft drink. He opened the can and took a drink before lighting a cigarette and sitting down. The station lights were too bright. Sirius rubbed his temples.

"I never caught your name."

It was the soldier, Rory, again. He sat himself down next to Sirius and pulled out a cigarette.

"Why aren't you with the other soldiers?" Sirius asked.

"I'm not on duty," said John. He lit his cigarette and turned back to Sirius.

"What's your name?"

"Sirius."

"Jesus Christ you're a posh fuck," said Rory. 
"No offence, meant." 

He looked at Sirius slyly. Sirius shrugged.

"It's true enough."

"Why are you here then? Don't not ally get your type in Belfast."

"My friend -"

"Come on, Sirius. You look like you've been sleeping rough for a couple of weeks at the very least."

Sirius went silent. He was so tired.

"Got kicked out," he said, "Things happened, ended up here."

Rory nodded.

"Are you a druggie? Alcoholic?"

Sirius shook his head. 

"What school did you go to?"

"Posh one up in Scotland," Sirius said, "You wouldn't know it."

"Gordonstoun, aye?" Rory said, "I was right, you are posh." 

He stood up and gestured at Sirius.

"Come with me."

"Where?" asked Sirius.

"If you go into Belfast by yourself you're asking for trouble," said Rory, "I'm going to take you somewhere you can get on your feet, and maybe get a few friends who will make sure you don't get shot being an eejit."

It sounded better than sitting in the train station. Sirius stood and nodded.

"Let's go," he said.

"Belfast?" said James.

"That's what Peter is saying," said Remus. It had taken Peter two days to find the spells they needed and to send them by owl. Thankfully he had tried the spell before he sent them the details. He had sent the results he had got alongside the spell itself.

"I've tried it myself, it tends to be accurate to the largest city," Remus said, "So it is likely he is near Belfast."

"At least he's not dead," James muttered. "How are we meant to get to Belfast?"

"We can't use Magical means, Peter says the school have notified the Aurors. If we use any spells we'll be found immediately."

"Muggle methods it is, then," said James with a grin, immediately diving into potential routes. Remus smiled and dug out the map he had bought. It almost felt like an adventure again, now they knew Sirius was alive and they knew where to look for him.

They got the train the next day up to Stranraer, arriving into the small town. James went to scope out the town.

"Last ferry of the day left an hour ago, so we have to wait till tomorrow," he said upon his return. Remus was lying down on a small bench. He was more and more tired.

"What day is it?" He asked without opening his eyes.

"The seventh of September," James said. Remus sighed.

"We can't go tomorrow. The moon." He said.

"Merlin how did I forget," said James, "How are you feeling?"

"Like my body is preparing to be broken and reconstituted," said Remus.

"Fair enough," said James, lifting up Remus' legs and sitting down on the bench. He looked out over the loch.

"We'll find somewhere quiet, away from the Muggles," James said, "It'll be ok."

Rory took Sirius to a town called Bangor. It was cute, honestly, a seaside town with pretty boats and small gulls flying about. They got off at the train station and walked down to the sea front. A Union Jack was fluttering in the wind next to the marketplace clock. 

"Do you get trouble here?" asked Sirius.

"Not too often," said Rory. "It's too close to the Palace Barracks in Holywood. That's where I'm based."

Sirius relaxed, but Rory kept talking.

"There was an incendiary bomb on Main Street two years ago, but other than that it's not too bad."

Rory kept walking. They were further along the sea front now, terraced houses in Georgian style. A number offering B&B accommodation.

"Bangor's always been a seaside destination," Rory said, "it's just in recent years people have forgotten what with all the fighting. But Lorna will have some space for you."

There was a small pub up ahead, facing out towards the marina. Rory headed in the door, gesturing to Sirius to follow.

"Lorna? Where are you?" He called out.

A woman's voice floated down the stairs.

"Is that you Rory? I'm upstairs, give me a second." 

They stood there for a moment until the sound of footsteps began, slowly revealing a middle aged lady with a no-nonsense expression.

"Good to see you, son" Lorna said, giving Rory a peck on the cheek. "How's your mummy? And tell that father of yours that if he doesn't come over to see me soon I'll stop sending him traybakes."

Rory laughed, "I'll make sure he knows," he promised, "Mum is well, she wants to make the trip down from Glasgow for Christmas maybe."

"It may be easier for us to come to you," said Lorna, "Where will you be at Christmas? Do you know yet?"

"My leave is up tomorrow, so I'll find out then," Rory said. He turned to Sirius.

"This is Sirius," he said. Sirius nodded.

"Nice to meet you," he said.

"Bless isn't he polite," said Lorna, "Is this another of your strays, Rory?"

"Something like that," Rory said, "Do you have a room at the moment?"

"I do, and my last lad just left for university so you can work behind the bar in return, alright Sirius?"

"Really?" Sirius looked at Rory in shock. Rory laughed.

"I think Sirius isn't used to how we do things over here," Rory said, "But on his behalf I'll say thanks Lorna. Look after him, will you?"

Lorna nodded.

"Come on, son," she said to Sirius, "I'll show you the room."

 It was easier than Sirius imagined to settle into life in Northern Ireland. He kept quiet to begin with, working behind the bar, serving locals. They were funny, and willing to teach him the quirks of the place. He didn't ask about the violence in the pub, but if someone brought it up he listened carefully. Lorna kicked a guy out one night for saying something that to Sirius sounded entirely innocent.
 
"It's complicated," she explained as they cleaned up after closing. "They say things in front of you because they know they'll get away with it. But they're not trying to make things any better."

"How?" Sirius asked. Lorna had sighed and put down her dishcloth. She stared into space for a moment.

"I'm Northern Irish, and I'm proud to be," she began, "But that doesn't mean I like the violence that's going on. For the last decade or so it's gotten worse, neighbour turning against neighbour until the first thing you do when you meet someone is to try and work out where they're from, are they friend or foe."

"I try not to encourage it, not in here. This is a nice pub and I like to keep it that way. But these lads are growing up and being told that to protect who they are they need to destroy the other lads. And the other lads are being told the same thing."

She shook her head.

"Their father's and grandfather's were all forced to fight in wars. You would think they would be fed up of it by now. You would have thought they wouldn't want their sons to end up worse off than they did."

Sirius thought of home. He thought of his parents and their upbringing. He thought about Regulus, always following their father to the letter.

"I think they think their sons are there for them to use, for their own ends," Sirius said. "Why else have sons?"

Lorna shook her head.

"Rubbish," she said. "You have sons to love them, no more, no less."

She turned to Sirius and spoke again,

"We love because He first loved us. John 4:19"

"John loved us?" Sirius said. Lorna laughed.

"You joker, you" she said with a smile. "Did they not teach you the Bible in school?"

"Not that I remember," Sirius said. Muggle religion. He still didn't quite understand it, but he knew Lorna got up early every Sunday for church.

Lorna laughed again. 

"We're done here," she said "Off to bed with you."

Lorna wanted a couple of things from the butcher, so she shoo'ed Sirius out the door early the next morning.

"Get a couple of rolls from the bakery as well," she said.

"Will do, bye," Sirius called. He closed the pub door behind him and made his way up High Street. Bakery first, then butcher, then he'd sit down by the marina for a while and feed the gulls. A nice morning.

It was strange, he realised as he paid for the rolls. He didn't miss magic at all, now. The first couple of weeks had been hard, especially in London.

But here, everything felt different. It was like magic didn't exist here, like as he watched Scotland fade away, the feeling of magic faded with it. It was just normal, a world that Sirius had never seen, never been part of.

He picked up some sausages from the butchers and made his way down the street.

Sure, he missed his friends, but he actually didn't miss much else, strangely. He was starting to get to know the people here as well. They were nice people, friendly and down to earth. They put on the rugby in the pub one evening and had all shouted at the screen when Ireland lost. 

Sirius hadn't understood how the rugby team was based over what was technically two countries but he didn't ask questions. He had told them he was a Man United fan in a panic, and now the locals petitioned Lorna to put on the game if Sirius was working. It was nice, kind even.

On the tenth of July, Lorna had closed the pub.

"We're going to go away for a couple of days," she said with a smile, and took him in her tiny car up the North Coast. She showed him the Giants Causeway and the Bushmills Distillery. She packed sandwiches and they stayed at her sister's house on a remote hill. There were standing stones nearby. Lorna told him stories about the giants and fairies and the like.

"I used to tell my wee ones these then they were small," she said, "They're great stories."

Sirius wondered how much was magic like he knew it. It felt older. Occasionally he would run his hand over a tree or a rock and feel a spark similar to his wand felt. He would stop and hold his hand there longer, but it never happened again in the same place. 

When they had come home the pub was fine, and some of the locals said they had missed him on the eleventh night at the bonfire. Lorna told him to smile and always make sure he was elsewhere.

"It's too dangerous," she said, "You'll end up mixed up in something you would rather avoid, trust me on that."

Sirius walked down towards the marina. There had been a bad storm last night. Some of the boats had sunk off Ballyholme apparently. Unusual for this time of year. Sirius tried not to think about how it was already September.

He made his way down to the promenade by the marina, the boats bobbing gently up and down. There was a boy standing watching them. Sirius walked a bit closer. The gulls cawed overhead.

The boy was tall and slender, his hair rumpled and a mess. He lifted his head upwards, his eyes closed. Sirius knew that boy.

He walked closer, hardly daring to breathe.

"Remus?" he said.

James had wandered up the street to try and buy a drink for the two of them, and now Remus was here alone staring at some boats.

The storm had been intense yesterday, but it had covered the sounds of Remus' transformation. Getting through it without using any magic had been tough, but they had managed. Remus had woken curled up into Prongs side. He was in pain, but he didn't want to wait any longer. They needed to get closer. James had managed to get them on the first ferry out of Stranraer. Remus slept the entire journey.

Peter's spell could refine down to the nearest population based, so once they had got to Belfast they risked trying it again. 

"They won't be able to find us as easily, over here," James said. Remus agreed. It was impossible to Apparate over the Irish Sea, and the Floo systems had been disabled in an attempt to prevent wizarding groups from getting involved in the Irish conflict. They were arguably safer from the wizarding authorities here.

Bangor, the spell had said, so that's where they went. No one turned up to detain them.

The train was nicer than they would have imagined, and such a short ride compared to the one through England. They arrived in Bangor within an hour and wandered down to the sea front. And now Remus was waiting for James to choose what type of sugary Muggle drink he preferred.

A gull cawed above him and the sea breeze blew his hair back. Remus breathed it in. It was so nice. This was nothing like what he feared when he heard Sirius was missing, nothing like what he imagined when he realised they would have to go to Belfast. 

He hadn't explained anything to James, not least because he didn't know much himself. All he knew was from news reports about the occasional bombs and terror attacks caused in English cities from the IRA and others. It wasn't the best basis from which to navigate Belfast and the surrounding areas.

So he had kept quiet. He listened to the starlings that were mimicking car noises above him. He closed his eyes and raised his head up. He missed Sirius.

"Remus?" a voice said, low and tentative.

Remus opened his eyes and turned. Sirius was standing there, holding a couple of brown paper bags. He looks good, strong, well rested. He's wearing a t-shirt and jeans, Muggle clothes, he looks like a local.

Remus is running towards him before he even knows what he's doing, he's clutching him and is he crying? Yes he's crying, sobbing even, he can't stop, all the stress, all the fear, it all comes pouring out of him. We thought you were dead, he tries to say, we thought you were gone, we were so worried.

Sirius feels strong and warm and alive. His arms are around Remus and he's holding him tight.

"It's okay," he says, "I'm okay."

"Sirius!" Remus hears James shout and suddenly another body is barrelling into them, holding them tight, whooping in exhilaration, and they're laughing and crying and laughing again.

It takes a while before Remus is ready to let go of Sirius.

Sirius takes them back to his place. He introduces them to Lorna and she smiles and welcomes them. Remus and James are dazed. It is just over a week since they got off the Hogwarts Express and now they're on a totally different island with Sirius who has been living as a Muggle. There's too much to say, so they don't say anything. They have dinner and drinks and watch Sirius as he works his shift in the pub. 

That night they pile into Sirius' room.
They all sleep in there, Remus curled on the bed next to Sirius, James sprawled out on a hastily transfigured pillow, snoring before he even takes off his glasses. Remus takes them off for him and puts them carefully on the bedside table. He lies down again, facing Sirius. He is awake, silent, watching Remus from a mirror position.

"I thought you were dead," Remus said.

Sirius's eyes softened. He stares at where he knows Remus' face is, but he can't see it properly. He can't see in the dark like Remus.

"I'm sorry," he said, "It kind of felt like I was dead though."

"What do you mean?"

Sirius was silent for a moment. Remus held himself very still, waiting.

"When she snapped my wand, Reggie was watching from the hallway. I couldn't watch her, but I saw his face. He looked like I had just been gutted in front of him. And I guess he was right. No magic, no point, right?"

"You still have magic," Remus said. Sirius shook his head.

"I know, but it doesn't bother me. The first couple of weeks, yeah, they were hard without the wand, but just this morning I was thinking that I actually prefer it."

"That's not true," Remus said, "Don't say that."

"Why not? I never guessed I would feel like that. London was terrible without magic. Some really bad things happened."

"We went to the shelter," Remus said, "We learned about David" 

Sirius sighed.

"David, poor David. Merlin, I have never wished for a wand more than in that moment. I don't even know if I could have saved him but I wanted to, I really wanted to. But he died so quickly. It was so horrible Remus."

He fell silent again. Remus' throat felt stuck.

"We thought it was you who had died," he finally said.

"What? No, no, of course not," Sirius said. He looked shocked at the idea, worried. He stretched out a hand and grabbed Remus' fingers.

"I didn't touch any of the stuff they would take," he said, "Wasn't sure how it would work with a magical body. So I avoided it."

Remus squeezed his fingers.

"I'm glad," he said. Sirius squeezed back.

"I think that's why ended up here," Sirius said, "David was Northern Irish, I don't know if you know that. I came because I thought it would be a good place to end up destroyed, and instead it seems to have done the opposite. I feel more alive than I ever felt in London, in Grimmauld."

"How did you end up here?"

"A good Samaritan, pretty much," said Sirius.

"How do you know what a good Samaritan is?"

"You can't live here and not pick up on a few Bible references. Lorna keeps picking on me for not knowing any so I try and pay attention."

Remus laughed softly, "That is so weird. Sirius Black, theologian." 

Sirius chuckled.

"I know, I never would have guessed it. But it helps for getting along with people and these people, Lorna and all, they're fun, and hardworking, and they keep on fucking going. They know what it means to have seen bad things and to live through difficult times and it's such a fucking relief, Remus. I can't explain it."

He shook his head and kept talking.

"Sure they joke with me about being English but they don't press on the painful parts, because they know just how painful they can be. But they don't ignore it either. I don't know what else to say, I'm not that good with words."

"I get it," Remus whispered.

"I met another werewolf over in Wales during the summer, just by chance. It was tense. We stood and stared each other for a while, waiting for the other to make the first move. Neither of us wanted to say anything that would upset the other. But there was also this understanding. We could ruin each other, but we shared something in that. We could ruin and love each other in a way no one else will understand."

"You loved this werewolf? Damn Remus."

"No, you prick. You know who I love."

Sirius went very quiet and stroked Remus' hand again. Remus tried to calm down his heart. It was hammering to get out of his chest.

"Will you ever say it?" Sirius said. Remus held his breath. 

Say what? He wanted to ask, but he knew what. He had always known what. It was why Sirius' betrayal had been so bad. It was why Remus had dropped everything to come and find him. James was reckless, but Remus couldn't afford to be so, not with his condition, not with the prejudice. And yet he had been heedless, reckless, blindly running to find Sirius. Because there has never been another option. There had never been another person.

Remus swallowed. Sirius asked again, more tentative this time.

"Will you ever say it?"

"Only when you're far out of hearing." Remus said. Sirius relaxed and squeezed his hand.

"You'll still say it, though," he said, voice warm.

"I'll still say it."

"That's good enough for me."  Sirius sighed and burrowed into his pillow. "Let's get some sleep, night Moony," he said.

"Night, Padfoot" Remus whispered back.

They slept very late the next day, so late that Sirius only had an hour or so before his shift began. 

Remus awoke to the clanking of the shower and James stumbling about.

"Glasses on the bedside table," Remus said, voice muffled by his pillow.

"Ah, thanks," said James, feeling about until he found his glasses and pulled them on. He stretched and groaned, popping his shoulder.

"Sirius is in the shower," James said, "Apparently he's got work soon so I think we're spending the day in the pub."

"What do you mean, work?" Remus pushed himself up. "Aren't we going home now? Back to Hogwarts?"

James shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you, he just said he has a shift."

They got washed and dressed and headed downstairs to the pub. The TV was already on, a good day for matches apparently. That would pass the time at least. 

"Hiya guys!" Sirius was already behind the bar, setting up for the day. "Here's some crisps for now. I'll get a proper break at about six-ish, we can go get some food then, yeah?"

Remus looked at the clock. 2pm.

"Sure thing," smiled James.

"Why aren't we leaving?" Remus said quietly to him.

"Why do you think?" James said, "He's not ready yet."

They sat there for the rest of the day, chatting to Sirius, meeting his new friends. They were friendly, like Sirius has said, though they had more to say to Remus being Welsh than James.

"There ya go, Sirius, got the Man U game on for youse'uns."

"Cheers Gordon," said Sirius, "Let's see if they do better this week, eh?" He smiled at Gordon and pulled another pint.

"I need some fresh air," said Remus.

"See you in a bit," said James. He was staring at Sirius, his eyebrows knitted together with concentration. Remus already knew what conclusion he was coming to.

He pushed his way out of the door and breathed in the cool evening air. The sun was near setting, the water coloured with orange and yellow on blue. It was beautiful. 

Remus hated it. If it had been awful it would be so much easier. Sirius would come back and be with them and everything would be as it should be. 

But it wasn't awful. It was one of the most gorgeous views Remus had ever seen. And Sirius wasn't going to leave this willingly.

Remus went back inside. James was still nursing his pint. He sat down heavily next to him.

"He's not going to come back," James said.

"I think you're right," Remus said.

They both stared at Sirius behind the bar, his sleeves rolled up, laughing and chatting with the guy at the counter. He looked happy.

"I can't stand this," James said. He stood up and waved his hand at Remus.

"Give me a smoke?"

"I don't have any," Remus said. "Ask Sirius."

James nodded and grabbed his pint before heading away from the table. The buzz of the pub rang through his ears, the smell of malt and tobacco and men. 

James' pint had left a ring on the table. Remus ran finger through the wet patch, smudging it. Somebody, somewhere scored a goal and a couple of the men cheered. 

When James came back he seemed calmer. Remus watched as Sirius slunk back behind the bar.

"You talked to him?" Remus said.

"If you can call it that," James said, "I shouted at him for a bit."

"What did he say?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," James said, "He's not coming back." He sat back on the seat, defeated.

Remus shrugged.

"it's his decision," he said. His heart had imploded, leaving behind an empty space. Sirius wiped up a spill on the counter.

"Did he say why?" Remus asked. He rubbed his wet finger on his sleeve.

"He said there wasn't anything left for him," James said.

They decided to leave the next morning. Sirius walked them to the train. The silence was terrible. James and Sirius had tried to break through it a couple of times but it seemed impossible, like a Dementor had taken residence in their throats.

It was a nice morning, quiet, relaxed. Birds sang in the trees and the bin men were tidying the town centre. There were flowers in the middle of the roundabout. It all felt very quaint.

They were nearly at the train station when Remus turned to Sirius.

"Why do you want to stay here?" He asked, loudly. He was shaking slightly. James turned to watch the two of them, but he didn't intervene.

Sirius shrugged, "I just don't want to leave," he said.

"But why? What does this place have that Hogwarts doesn't? That the Magical World doesn't?"

"It's normal, Remus, it's something that doesn't change every day, and it doesn't ask me stupid questions." Sirius was annoyed now, it was obvious.

"You're hiding," Remus said. 

"No I'm not," Sirius said.

"You're being a coward"

"I'm being braver than I've ever been in my whole damn life, Remus Lupin." Sirius snapped. He stepped closer to Remus, speaking passionately. He pointed to himself.

"I have a chance here. A chance away from all the bullshit. That's why I'm doing it, for me."

Remus was floored.

"And what about us? We came here for you! We came here to save you."

Sirius shook his head.

"I don't need saving, Remus. I never did."

Remus shook his head.

"There's a war coming, and you're not going to help us?" he said. Sirius laughed.

"There's war everywhere, Remus, look around. You're standing in a warzone. Doesn't change anything." He looked at Remus sympathetically. 

"I know you don't get it yet, but I need to stay here. It's important I stay here."

"Its important for yourself," Remus sneered, "Of course, how did I forget you have always been a selfish bastard."

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'll be here, you know. When you need to get away. And I'll be saying it back."

"It's not enough" Remus said.

"You haven't given me anything to make it enough, Remus."

"I love you, Sirius" Remus blurted out, desperate. James sighed and turned away, walking towards the train station.

Sirius looked at Remus with the face of a man who's world had just broken. He looked absolutely wrecked. Remus felt like a truck had driven through his soul.

"I would have given anything to hear you say that at one point," Sirius said.

"But I can't give you what you want, Remus. I can't come back."

The truck inside Remus exploded into a thousand fiery pieces.

"Fuck you, Sirius," he said, "Just fuck off."

He walked towards the station, catching up with James.

"I bought our tickets," he said, "Train leaves in five minutes."

"Why aren't you more upset?" Remus demanded. James shrugged.

"I was angry last night. But it's his life. He deserves to live it in the way he wants to."

Remus took a shuddering breath.

"And I think he means more to you than you ever admitted," James added quietly.

Remus gritted his teeth and nodded. He could see Sirius walking towards them.

"Let's go up to the platform," he said.

"We need to say bye, first."

"On the platform," repeated Remus. James sighed and followed him up. The train was already waiting, ready for departure.

Sirius walked up behind them, his hands in his pockets.

"Have you got your ferry booking?"

"All sorted," James said, "There's a Floo near Stranraer, apparently round the loch in Cairnryan. We'll be able to get to Hogsmeade from there."

Sirius nodded.

"Say hi to Peter from me," he said. 

"Will do, mate." James said, pulling Sirius into a hug.

"Keep safe, yeah? We'll see each other soon, I promise you." He smiled at his friend, squeezing him tight.

"And I'll write to you, too, Muggle post yeah? Bet that will get me in Evans good books." James winked.

"Sounds good Prongs," Sirius laughed.

They let go of each other. James looked between Sirius and Remus.

"I'll go get us some good seats, yeah? Don't be long, Remus."

They stood on the platform, facing each other. Sirius was looking at him. Remus couldn't meet his eye, couldn't look him in the face. If he didn't look at him, then it wouldn't be real.

Remus gritted his teeth and held out his hand towards Sirius.

"Good luck," he said stiffly. 

Sirius smiled and took his hand.

"Thank you Remus," he said. His voice was tight. "I will miss you, you know."

Remus couldn't speak. He dropped Sirius hand. 

"Bye," he said, voice thick. He walked onto the train. Sirius started towards him, reaching out.

"Remus - "

Remus pulled the door shut behind him. The window was down, Remus fumbled with the catch.

The whistle sounded. Time to go. Sirius ran up to the window. He spoke through it, even as the train started moving away.

"I'll still say it, Remus," Sirius said, "Even if you aren't listening. I promise."

Remus can't look at him. He gritted his teeth again. He felt like one of them was going to crack.

"Remus, please," Sirius said. The train was picking up speed now. Sirius was jogging now. Remus couldn't take it anymore.

He looked up. Sirius had tears running down his face. Remus had never seen him cry. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the prefect badge he had stuck in there so many days earlier. He stuck his arm out the window and tossed it at Sirius. Sirius grabbed it reflexively.

"Don't forget me," Remus shouted over the sound of the train. 

The platform had finally run out of space. Sirius was rapidly disappearing behind him, a small finger looking down at his hands and crouching down on the floor. He looked like he was praying. Remus knew he was crying.

"I'll listen, Sirius, I promise," he said to the small figure. The train took a bend and Sirius finally disappeared from sight.

Remus took a shaky breath and closed his eyes, leaning against the shuddering train. They had both made their decisions. There was nothing else that could be done.

Remus opened his eyes and went to find James and their seats. They had a long journey ahead of them.