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Garrus was scanning with great attention at the last registered information on the Conduit's systems, desperately attempting to find any clues indicating that Shepard was still alive.
And if she wasn't... That they could do the same thing Cerberus once did, and bring her back to the land of the living. He couldn't go on without her once more.
Not again.
"Garrus ?" A small, Human voice brought the Turian out of his thoughts.
He took a moment to compose himself and keep his sub-vocals under control. Even if the young boy couldn't hear them, he wanted to get good habits going while he still could.
"Yes, Casey ?" He retorted while turning around, shifting his attention from the datapad to the Human beside him.
The child shifted his weight from side to side, his gaze staring momentarily at the device still in the adult's hands - with an expression so solemn that he didn't know Human children could wear - before his green eyes met Garrus'.
"What are we having for dinner ?" He wondered sheepishly, and the Turian finally reminded himself that he was supposed to feed himself and that... He couldn't really get away with living off stims and rations when he had a child to take care of.
His child, he reminded himself.
It wasn't like he didn't see Casey as his own. It was just... Difficult for him to wrap his head around the fact that he was now a single father of a young life. That he had to deal with the grief he was all too familiar with and manage it better than last time because now, a someone was depending on him.
The ex-Vigilante forcefully brought himself back to reality to think of a proper answer for the young boy who was looking at him with an expression he couldn't decipher. He wasn't sure how he felt about the fact he couldn't read the kid.
Something told him it wasn't exactly a good sign... But it wasn't like he could do much about it now.
"How does pizza sound ?" He finally answered with a question of his own, crouching to be closer to his son's height.
The reaction was immediate ; the human all but threw himself in Garrus' arms as he nodded vigorously. After the initial shock had passed, he returned the hug just as tightly.
He realised just how much he needed it when he saw his vision blur. He shook the tears away, however. He couldn't allow Casey to see him like this. He needed to be strong for him.
For them both.
The Turian made no indication of wanting to end the embrace, and only did so when the child slowly put his arms to his side once more. He watched the child run towards the large couch to turn on the TV. In Shepard's apartment that was now... His.
Theirs.
He sat next to the Human, grateful that they had decided to change the furniture to be more comfortable for his Turian build. As he opened his omni-tool, he is bombarded by notifications by both his friends and newsletter reporting on the events that had happened not even a few days ago.
Granted, the messages had started as soon as they made it back to the Citadel after...
Garrus shakes his head, trying to shoo the thought away. He cannot allow himself to fail now.
Not when someone he loved so much was counting on him.
Deciding to both ignore all the notifications and mute future ones, he managed to find a promising establishment - Interlude - that prided itself in serving good quality pizza.
"How hungry are you, kiddo ?" He wondered out loud as he scrolled through the options for children, finding out that there wasn't a lot of food worth. Was this a human thing ? "And what type would you like to have ?"
Casey scooted over closer to his dad, peeking over his arm as his small hands with too many digits grasped onto his forearm.
"A lot." He answered casually, but before the adult could add anything else, the child spoke once more, "Do they have pineapple ones ?" He asked, which made the adult quirk an eyebrow. "They do !" He exclaimed himself as he happily pointed towards said listing.
"Aren't pineapple sweet ?" The marksman questioned, a smile in his voice as he already knew the answer to that one.
"Yeah, that's why it's so good on pizza," The child answered without missing a beat.
"But how about those fluffy fruits ? They're also sweet, why not put them on, too ?" He pressed, lightly nudging the brunette.
The ex-Vigilante couldn't help but chuckle as his son's face contorted in one of obvious disgust.
"Kiwis ? On pizza ?" He interrogated, clearly offended, to which Garrus only laughed harder as his heart felt fuzzy and warm.
"I might try that, actually," He retorted, enjoying teasing the little human. "It does sound good, mixing sweet and savoury. How about... Bananas ?"
"Ew," Was the answer he got to this admittedly interesting, dared he say genius, idea.
Soon enough, the food arrived, and least to say that it smelled amazing. The Turian felt - and heard - his gizzard grumble in anticipation.
He ignored how the delivery person looked absolutely in awe at his appearance, reminded that he was now a phenomenon due to his ties with... Everything.
Thanks to her, always bringing him down to hell and back. He never regretted ever saying yes to this woman.
His woman.
"Casey, it's time to eat," He called out, and if he could trust the quick set of small footsteps, his voice had been heard. Going towards the kitchen table, he noticed his child running towards him. "Careful when you run, you don't want to fall now, do you ?" He mused, and the Human did indeed slow down at his words.
"It's fine, I have good balance," He reassured as he attempted to sit on the high chair. He managed to get close, but said furniture was dangerously tipping over.
"Casey, don't go on the high-chairs without asking for help first," The adult warned, eyeing the way it was off balance.
Just as the he was putting down the two pizzas, the balance was lost. He only reacted, scooping his son in his arms before he could get hurt by his own stupidity.
Still in flight, fight or freeze, Garrus spoke before his brain could actually catch up ;
"What were you thinking ?" He hissed as he put the child on the ground and gripped his shoulders firmly. "I told you to not get on," He continued, feeling the build-up stress, grief, and fear overwhelming him. "What would you have done if it fell on you ?" He almost shouted, his sub-vocals translating how terrified he actually was. "What if you had gotten hurt ?" He finished, way softer than before.
He could feel his heart pounding as he assessed his son's physically state, looking for any injuries, thankful for the fact that he still had his visor on.
No injuries.
As the adrenaline came down and he breathed a sigh of relief, he realised that Casey was now tearing up, looking oh so ashamed of himself.
"I'm sorry," The child whispered, barely audible even with the Turian's enhanced hearing. "I just thought that I could and not bother you..." He continued, which made him freeze on the spot. "I'm so sorry," He finished as a sob escaped his lips.
He felt his heart break at the sound of his son's cries.
"No, I'm sorry Casey," He apologised, gently hugging his kid and wrapping his arms around his much smaller body. "I shouldn't have gotten angry and i shouldn't have shouted at you. You will never be a bother to me, alright ?" He reassured, feeling guilty at the turn of events. He was such an asshole. "Are you okay ? Are you hurt ?" He asked, and even though he had scanned the Human numerous times, he wasn't just talking physically.
"I-I'm fine," Was the shaky reply he got. Garrus took a moment to evaluate the truth behind those words.
"Are you sure ? Even just hurting a little bit ?" He enquired further, not exactly reassured by what he was seeing.
Wordlessly and after another moment of hesitation, Casey gestured to the side of his ribs, where the adult's hands had gripped as he was scooping him out of danger.
The guilt he was already experiencing intensified tenfold, and his sub-vocals cried in his place. He tried to make his voice steadier as he spoke ;
"Can I see ?"
When he had the authorisation with a short nod, he carefully raised his son's shirt to inspect the wounds... And he gasped when he saw them. It wasn't serious, but it would leave bruises without the help of medi-gel. He crooned, distressed of the sight before his eyes.
"Let me get some medi-gel for you. I'm so sorry, Casey. I didn't mean to. Please let me know immediately if it ever happens again, alright ?" He begged, locking gazes with his kid.
That he had injured.
Spirits, he really needed to get a hold of himself.
"Yeah," The child agreed with a slight nod.
Garrus went ahead and searched for the appropriate treatment. He didn't allow himself to break once in the bathroom, especially since his kid needed his assistance.
He ignored the shaking of his hands.
He ignored how blurry his vision was getting.
He ignored his sub-vocals crying for him.
Taking a deep breath once he found what he was looking for, he stood up and went back towards the kitchen where the human child was patiently waiting for him. When he heard the Turian's footsteps, he perked up and immediately turned towards him with a bright smile on his face.
He thought to himself that he didn't deserve Casey's kindness or forgiveness, but he would do his best for it to be worth it.
"Let me see those bruises," He said, and the kid complied wordlessly. After applying the medical cream in the right spot - ignoring the fact that he knew he was applying too much of it - he put the shirt back to normal and helped the child up the high-chair he was previously attempting to climb.
Once that was done, the single father gave the small human his meal, glad that neither of them had to worry about eating the right version of food like they used to. It will make cooking food much easier for the adult.
Less dishes to do, as well. Maybe Shepard could finally take some-
He realised his mistake as his glance trailed to her usual spot on the table, only to find it empty.
...
Right.
She wasn't there anymore. How could he forget ?
Garrus realised that his appetite was long gone, but it wasn't as if he could just... Not eat. Not when he had to be a good role model for his son.
So, he forced himself to eat at least half of the pizza, and was surprised that it was... Not actually too bad, given that he had gone for banana toppings.
Not his favourite, but he could live with this choice for a meal. Maybe two.
Even though the ex-Vigilante's datapad was pinging regularly, he ignored them all. He had programmed his notification to be a different sound and pattern if it were anything he had deemed important ; aka anything relating to Shepard.
Casey obviously noticed, his bright and glowing green eyes darting towards the device every time it rang, but when his dad never paid any attention to it... The Turian saw him visibly relax.
He would be damned before he let his own son feel less important than some work. He would never do that. Not in a million years.
Not ever.
He promised himself that he would always prioritise Casey when Shepard and him had adopted him.
So far, he hadn't broken this promise.
---
At first, Casey didn't know what woke him up from his deep sleep. As he looked around his room, he saw that the little crack in the door had let it enough light in to rise him from his slumber.
He could also distantly hear Garrus' voice apparently talking to himself.
'To someone on the phone, silly,' He corrected himself, and paid attention to his hearing to maybe know what his now single father was talking about.
He was under the impression that his mum was back, so he excitedly hopped off the bed and tip-toed down the stairs, thinking that he could surprise her with his stealth skills. Then, the Human finally registered the tone of voice that the grown-up was using, and he froze as his feet landed on the floor.
Should he come back up and forget that this ever happened ? But he was kind of thirsty...
"I miss her so much, Tali," Said the Turian, and even if the boy couldn't understand the full spectrum of his voice, he could tell that he was very sad. "Losing her once was hard enough, but twice ?" He heard a choked sob. "Sorry," His dad apologised, and the human felt the urge to run towards him and hug him tightly.
He took a peek over the guardrails, not knowing why he was hiding his presence. It just... Didn't feel quite right to make an entrance now.
The grown-up was hunched over himself, looking almost... A normal height. Not a giant anymore, just maybe a tall human. He seemed to be in his own bubble, listening to what Auntie Tali had to say about the matter.
"I can't do this alone," He continued with a big sigh. "Casey's counting on me and I can't let him down."
Said Human probably did too much noise while leaning on the end of the guardrail because he saw his dad freeze and whip his head upwards, his sharp and attentive bright green eyes immediately landing on Casey.
The boy gasped and immediately felt guilty, like he was caught doing something he shouldn't be doing, and he started tearing up. Not wanting his father to see him cry once again, he ran upstairs to hide under the bed-sheets.
Surely, that would fix his current predicament and Garrus would not find him.
... It didn't take him long to be proven otherwise as the boy felt the mattress shift when a new weight was put on it.
Neither of them moved at first. The kid was just... Unsure as to how to proceed after what had happened downstairs. He didn't have any reference, since he normally wasn't one to wake up all that often during the night.
After a while, he forgot what he was doing and almost fell asleep, if it weren't for the Turian's voice bringing him back to awareness.
"What did you hear, kiddo ? Do you want to talk about it ?" He gently asked, and it's only then that he decided to shyly peek out from under the blanket.
"I'm not counting on you," The boy decided to reassure. "It's okay to not be perfect, nobody is. I know Shepard is happy regardless, wherever she is."
That apparently wasn't what his dad expected, because he froze on the spot while looking at him with a weird look in his eyes. He held his gaze for a while, before the Human couldn't any more and glanced away.
The silence stretched, and for the entirety of it, Casey thought he had said something wrong to the grown-up.
"I know, kiddo," Garrus finally sighed, stroking his hair just like mum used to do when she was tucking him to sleep.
The thought made his eyes tear up a bit, but he was going to be good and not cry any more than he already had lately.
"I still want to be a good father for you, though," The Turian admitted, sheepishly looking away with a sad expression.
"I never thought you were a bad dad," He whispered as a reply, as honest as he could be.
At those words, the grown-up joined their foreheads gently and lovingly, closing his eyes.
"Thanks, kiddo. It means a lot to me," His dad said in a murmur, which made the boy smile just a bit. "Can I do anything for you ? Do you want to drink something before going back to sleep ?" He wondered after separating himself from his son.
"Water, please," He requested, and his father's mandibles flared in what he recognised was a smile.
"You got it."
After quenching his thirst, Casey had a very good sleep, knowing that he had reassured a big fear for his dad.
---
Garrus couldn't sleep, staring at the ceiling of the room he found too big, in the bed he found too empty.
It had been now two years since Shepard's disappearance. Well, death is a better word.
It didn't matter much, she wasn't around anymore, and the hurt and sadness was just as bad as it had been the first time. Arguably, he found it worse, holding on to the hope that the love of his life, his best friend, would be marching home and wrecking his whole perception of the world one last time.
And this time, he would never leave her side ever again.
He found that he wanted to curse her. He wanted to be angry and mad at her to have instilled this silly hope for miracles, because when it concerned the Commander, nothing was impossible. No task too big, no mission too dangerous.
Spirits, they all went through the Omega-4 Relay and survived, no casualties whatsoever. Only her could accomplish such thing.
So the Turian was wondering why she wasn't home already. She had defeated death once, stared it in the eyes and said it wasn't her time yet.
Why did she have to die ?
Why did she have to die ?
Why did she have to die ?
He couldn't do this alone. He didn't want to live in a world where his love was but a memory in everyone's mind, a legend gone too soon, lost to time and the people dear to her.
'But you have to,' a voice reminded him, 'for Casey.'
Another responsibility she left him with, her legacy to protect. Garrus held back a scream.
It came out as a whimper.
He wondered if he was giving Shepard enough justice when he was talking about her to his son. How could one describe accurately the incredible woman that she had been ? How much his life - among many others - had changed for the better because they had the privilege to get to know her ?
The one person he could trust blindly ?
When his kid had asked what Shepard was like to him... He had struggled to put all his emotions into words that a child would understand. In a way that anyone could understand.
Spirits, he missed her so much. So much that he started to quietly weep, his sub-vocals chanting for his lover to come back.
She better had kept him a spot in that stupid bar, wherever she was.
He curled onto himself, hugging the pillow she would use to sleep with, and he realised that not only was her smell not there anymore... He also couldn't remember what it was like at all.
This thought only made him cry harder, careful as to not being too loud and risk waking his kid up by his lamenting.
He was doing his best to be a good father, but he couldn't stop remembering every time he had done a wrong move, lost his cool, or worse yet, hurt his beloved child. The one person - besides him - that Shepard adored with all of her being.
The ex-Vigilante could only hope that when Casey grew up, that he would look upon his childhood fondly.
That was his only wish as he continuously sobbed into the pillow.
---
Casey sighed as he sprawled himself over one of the numerous couches present in the Primarch's office.
It was nearing the 15th anniversary of his mother's death, and a lot had changed since...
"Casey, I don't mind you being in my office, but please act presentable when you are," His father sighed, momentarily looking up from the numerous datapads on his desk.
Adjusting himself to be able to meet his disapproving gaze, the now adult had a soft if not sad smile at the sight of Garrus working himself to death... Again.
He was trying very hard to uphold his mum's wishes, he could tell, but he also knew that Shepard would absolutely not approve of his current endeavours, and the fact that the Turian refused to see that irked the man.
Breathing out a lengthy exhale once more, the brunette got up from the furniture and decided to make his way to the desk where his only parent was... And sat on the edge of it, ignoring the annoyed small shriek that the Primarch let out.
"You've been working for a while without taking any breaks and it's..." The Human checked the time on his omni-tool. "Almost time for lunch."
Both men started a staring contest then, gauging the other's resolve. While the oldest was the first to look away, the youngest knew he lost the silent discussion.
"I'll eat when I'm done with this report," Was his answer.
Casey wasn't one to go down without a fight, however.
"Dad..." He started, his tone disapproving. The single father knew this tone, and it always managed to make his eyes snap back to his son, no matter what. "You really should go eat."
"I never said I won't," He retorted without missing a beat. The Human squinted his eyes with a frown, and the Turian sighed, putting the datapad on the desk. "What's up, kiddo ?"
He had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He managed to, but barely.
"You're not taking care of yourself," He observed flatly, his green eyes boring into his father's. Already knowing where the conversation was going, Garrus shook his head dismissively.
"You know I am just-" This time, the younger man cut him off.
"-Looking out for the greater good of the galaxy, I know that," He finished, initiating another staring contest as he continued. "But you're not looking after your own," He stated, showing his genuine worry for his parent.
But he could see his words weren't getting through his thick avian skull. He knew it was a low blow, but... Was he going to listen, to see his point any other way ?
"What would have mum said, if she saw you like this ?" He whispered, and he could see the shock painting itself on the Turian's eyes.
He rarely ever pulled the Shepard card. Casey couldn't remember the last time he did so. But it killed him to see his own dad slowly killing himself, only getting worse once he had reached maturity.
The Human had always known that Garrus didn't really... Want to be around after she died. He was aware he was one of the reasons he was even still around, even if they never addressed it properly.
In the Shepard-Vakarian family, it was one of the topics they didn't breach all that often, if at all.
The youngest member wanted so desperately to change that fact.
They were both adults now, and yet, his father was still coddling him. Still "protecting" him from his darker thoughts, his despair, his grief and sadness...
'Rely a bit more on me, dammit. You're not alone, never was,' He thinks to himself, and wish he could simply say those words and fix everything about their relationship.
It never was so simple in this family, however.
His father obviously wanted to object, but he got cut off before he even could utter a single word by his omni-tool ringing once... Then twice.
The man knew the other was about to mute the notifications, but he knew that this phase of preparations was especially crucial due to the scale of the event. He breathed out a sigh, defeated.
"I'll let you get back to work," He stated, and straightened his body, ignoring the distressed croon that his dad let out. "It's fine, I also have stuff to do, anyways," He reassured as he started walking towards the exit. "Just..." He stopped in his tracks, making his voice even before speaking once more ; "Think about what I said, yeah ?"
He left without another word shared between the two of them, and sometimes, Casey wished he wasn't so considerate of Garrus' responsibilities and job.
The week went by without seemingly any improvements from the Turian's side, which frustrated the Human more than he wanted to admit, which was saying something. He could see the exhaustion in his father's body language every time he was checking on him, the not nearly enough food he was consuming, and worst of all...
How much older he looked for his age.
It was now the day of the celebration, and while Casey was enjoying the event with some friends, he couldn't stop worrying about his dad.
He ended up leaving the party earlier than originally planned - even though he was the centre of attention for the event - trusting his instinct telling him that something was off.
Like a little voice giving him hints. He always listened to it.
It hadn't been wrong so far.
The Human stopped in his tracks when he was in front of the Primarch's Embassy. Garrus shouldn't be there. If anything, he should be either at the memorial or home.
Even though it was the last place he wanted to see his father in, he knew he was right. He knew it was where the ex-Vigilante had spent the entire day in. Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door with his omni-tool and entered the room, scanning the dimly lit area in search of the man he was looking for.
It didn't take him long to find him.
Hunched over the desk, he was muttering to himself about Spirits knew what, and didn't even register the new presence in the room. The young adult was glad that he didn't bore any ill will towards his father, but he also knew that the middle aged Turian was way more capable of defending himself than he was.
Before making his presence known, he looked around the desk area silently, counting the meals his father had taken since his son's last check-up, and frowned when he found no new addition to the pile of garbage.
"Out of all the days you should've gotten a day off, I think today should've been on the list," He stated, unable to prevent the bitterness dripping from his voice.
Garrus all but jumped as he straightened his back and whipped around to look at his child, only to see a very disapproving gaze as the Human crossed his arms and shifted his weight.
"Casey," He breathed, surprise written all over his features as his mandibles went slack. He took a glance at his omni-tool, the movement translating his current anxiety and panic. "Did something go wrong ? Why are you here ?" He questioned as he rose from his desk, his eyes observing for any signs of distress and the youngest knew his visor was working overtime.
Despite how mad and upset he was, Casey couldn't help but soften at his dad's worry. Uncrossing his arms, his frown lost a bit of its edge as he put a hand on the Turian's shoulder.
"I'm fine, the ceremony went smoothly," He reassured, and while there was still some tension in the oldest's body language, a small sigh of relief was heard. "I'm just wondering why you weren't there, and why you are working instead of... Doing anything else, really," He said, his expression hardening once more as his hand left the shoulder.
At least the old man had the decency to look bashful.
"There was still some reports to fill out before I could head home for the night," He mumbled weakly, and the Human rolled his eyes.
"How long are you going to avoid visiting her for ? It's been 15 years, Garrus," He retorted without missing another beat.
Those words obviously struck a chord for the single father, and for a while, neither of them spoke another word.
"I'm sorry, kiddo. I've been neglecting our relationship, prioritising work over spending time with you," He apologised, and while it was true and the accountability was welcomed in the conversation, that wasn't exactly what the brunette wanted to hear.
"That's not the only thing you've been neglecting," He noted simply, and Garrus head tilted downwards, avoiding his son's gaze.
His gaze trailed off to the many tissues, back towards his dad's eyes, finding them puffy and shinier than normal.
"Why don't you allow yourself to rely more on me ?" He wondered, trying to show him just how concerned he was for his parent.
He didn't have a reply immediately, and he was willing to wait for as long as was needed.
"Because I can't put you through what I'm experiencing on the daily," The Turian retorted, his voice quivering.
"You know that you won't be a bad person or even father if you show sadness and grief towards your kid, right ?" The Human reminded, both of his hands now resting on the older man's shoulder plates.
That statement seemed to break something in him.
"You're not responsible for my mental health," He replied holding back a sob.
"I know," He smiled softly, taking a step closer towards the much taller man. "But you haven't been taking care of yourself at all, and it worries me," He said honestly, bringing his father into a hug that he immediately reciprocated.
"I'm sorry," He heard his dad sob, tightening the grip on his body.
They held onto each other for a while, and Casey didn't care about how long the embrace lasted. He was just glad that Garrus finally allowed himself to let go.
It was the Turian that loosened his grasp before taking a step back, still sad - the Human could hear the heartbreaking melody of his dad yearning for his long lost lover - but feeling visibly better.
"C'mon, pizza's on me. You can even have your horrible banana toppings, if you'd like," The son teased, which made the oldest chuckle, just a bit.
Still, it was a win by any standards.
"I don't think I had some since that day, y'know," He retorted, and the other man grinned.
"I know. Want to try it with kiwis, instead ?" He mused as he pulled out his omni-tool to get some from Interlude, one of their favourite restaurants.
"You know what ? That is a genius idea."
They stared at one another for a moment before bursting out laughing.